I've been having a really bad self esteem week and feel like getting some things out, but would also love feedback from others who have dealt with this and how they overcame it.
Before I start, I've been in therapy before and I'm going to try and go back if I can find someone with hours outside of traditional business hours or on the weekends. Works simply would not allow me to take the time. Lunch breaks are pretty frowned upon here.
So I constantly struggle with my looks. I feel like I'm the ugliest person in the room and that men are likely literally repulsed by me. Probably based on the fact that for a few months just simply saying "hey what's up?" to a dude in line for a drink got the reaction of them physically turning away from me. This sucked and yes I need to get over it. But when it happened a few times and I never got a positive response, one has to wonder you know?
Some days it makes it difficult to even go out and have fun because I'm so preoccupied with how unworthy I feel. And yes I know people are so much more than their looks, but it's the first impression, and I feel like no potential suitors are interested in even trying to get to know me when there is someone so much more attractive to catch their eye.
I know rationally I'm not some horrible hobbit. I do. But I feel that way a lot. And I also realize that this is causing me not to project confidence which is an attractive characteristic. But how do I move past it and accept my looks as they are? Even with years of therapy we were never able to fully crack this nut.
Thoughts? Commiseration? Thanks for listening to me ramble on this topic yet again. My abnormal fixation on my looks just sucks.
Post by pantsoffdanceoff on Jan 29, 2015 15:53:32 GMT -5
I will be following this thread closely because I feel the same way you do. Unfortunately I think it is kind of a circular reference. Guys are attracted to confidence, but then how does one portray confidence when they don't have any?
I will be following this thread closely because I feel the same way you do. Unfortunately I think it is kind of a circular reference. Guys are attracted to confidence, but then how does one portray confidence when they don't have any?
TR that's a great question. I feel most confident in a professional setting. I'm super confident when working. I know I totally kick as at my job in communications (ironic I know). I also feel very confident when cooking or entertaining.
Post by Emerald1486 on Jan 29, 2015 15:58:09 GMT -5
First off, I think you are gorgeous. I know EXACTLY how you feel. I have struggled with my self esteem, especially my looks for a long time. At the end of marriage, I felt really ugly. XH made comments like "Are those stretch marks going to go away?" "How long until you lose that weight?" and this was at the end of my pregnancy, right after DS was born. It really wore on me and I had 0 self-confidence. I decided I wanted to do a boudoir style photo shoot as a way to show myself that I was still attractive. I talked with a friend about it and she got me in touch with a photographer. I did the shoot and I loved it, and the photos. I ended up showing a few friends who loved them. I remember one time, I was venting about how I was feeling and she said "Do I need to pull out those photos? Because that sexiness is what we see." I have done several shoots over the last couple years.
It really is a mind game. I have noticed that more see me as attractive when I feel attractive, even though my weight won't change. Have you done the mirror exercise? You stand in front of a mirror and you really look at yourself. Find something you like about yourself. Focus on that. Each week try to find something else you like. For me: I like my smile, I like my curves, I like my boobs, I like my hair when its straight (its naturally curly). I've also started keeping a journal and writing down those moments when I felt attractive. That helped me too
Feel free to PM me if you want to talk more about it.
Post by shauniemae on Jan 29, 2015 16:10:54 GMT -5
I am going to follow this thread closely as well...I have the same overall feelings of being unattractive and just not appealing to people. I mean, yes, men talk to me and comment on things, but I just don't feel the way I should? I don't know if that's the way to phrase it.
Confidence and self-esteem are what I'm lacking and just hope to find a good balance or something to make myself feel like I'm of worth.
Sorry you're feeling this way. You're very much not alone, whether that provides little to any comfort...hopefully we can figure it out one step at a time.
Hugs @pdx18! I have struggled with this same issue, only my situation went one step farther as in, why do I have to have these health issues along with being the ugliest child in my family.
The only thing that has worked for me is medication (paxil) and positive self talk. I had to change the way I thought about myself, so instead of saying "omg you look horrible today", I would say, "wow my hair looks good today" or "this shirt really brings out my eyes". I had to retrain my brain to think positively.
I won't lie to you. It is a long process. Think about how long you have been telling yourself negative things. I also try to remind myself, people don't see me the way I see myself. You are your biggest critic. If you don't treat yourself nicely and with respect, how can you expect other people to.
For the record, I think you are gorgeous and have really pretty hair!
I'm sorry you feel this way, it's a terrible way to live. I think it's completely normal to go through periods of self-doubt and just not feeling pretty, but yours seem extreme.
Has there ever been a time in your life when you did feel pretty?
What has helped for me is just acceptance. I know that sounds simplistic, but I'm learning to embrace what I can't change and realized there is just no point in dwelling on it. I'll give two examples that might seem silly, but I used to be really self-conscious about the black spots on my legs and my knees being dark. I always wished my legs were smooth and light like my friends. One day I just.. stopped caring. I knew I couldn't change it (I tried with lightening cream) and I also realized no one cares about my legs! Lol. We care so much more than other people do.
I still struggle with accepting my hair. I absolutely hate it, but I can't change it. It's a work in process accepting it.
Sorry so long! In conclusion, what's helped me: 1- realizing no one else cares as much as me. 2- I had to stop comparing myself to others 3- accepted what I couldn't change.
So many hugs @pdx18. You are beautiful and you are enough, just as you are!
I struggle with body image and self confidence. It's gotten better over the past year or so. I'm a bigger woman who has a great *ss, wickedly intelligent, surprisingly strong, snarky at times with a heart as big as Texas. I really never dated in college, law school and as an adult. I married the first man in years that "accepted" my attention. Guess what? He wasn't the one for me. After my divorce, I've gotten more male attention than I ever had. So it's been a bit of a journey. I still get blown off when I'm out with girlfriends on the town though.
As my nana used to say "there is lid for every pot". I know that there are some men that just don't catch my eye so I know it's the other way around and I don't take it personally.
I actually have had a few of my formers tell me why they think I'm pretty/sexy/gorgeous because there are times when I just don't believe them. If you were talking to your best friend, what would you tell her? That's usually pretty enlightening to me. I can give great advice but it's hard to take my own.
I live in the south where it seems a lot of women don't like to wear shorts. The AC was going to be out in my work building for a week so they gave us permission to wear shorts because it was in summer. 99% of the women refused to wear shorts because "I've got cellulite/bumps/veins/pale/dark spots. No one wants to see that.' I looked every single one in the eye and said "I've got cellulite, varicose veins and my right leg is 3-5 inches bigger than the left due to swelling. But I'm wearing shorts because it's going to be hot. Be lucky I shave." Seriously, love yourself. Life is way to d@mn short not too.
Hmm. First, I'm glad you are recognizing this and pursuing counseling. I think that could help a lot with getting back on track.
Honestly - for me, I have never been a hot girl. I'm not ugly, but I'm not pretty either. I'm average. I don't know if there was a truly a point of acceptance of that, but I think it helps that I don't expect to be beautiful. I expect to be me. Some people are going to like the way I look, maybe based on personal preference, maybe based on liking me as a person - and some people aren't. That's just how it is and there is nothing I can do to change it. I also don't need most people to think I'm pretty, I just need to find ONE person who likes the way I look enough to be attracted to me. The rest really don't matter. And stressing about it on my end isn't going to change anything, so why get upset about it? It is what it is.
Now, dating there is definitely an advantage if lots of people think you're attractive - more choices! But still, at the end of the day what most people think of you doesn't matter because most of them aren't the right person for you anyway, if that makes any sense. So that guy in line that turned away? He probably didn't think you were repulsive, but maybe you weren't his type (nobody is everyone's type). Or maybe he was distracted, or has a jealous girlfriend who gets pissed when he talks to girls so he avoids it, or maybe he was having a bad day and didn't feel like making small talk. It likely had NOTHING to do with you.
I do know how you feel though. I'll never forget shortly after I became single, I was sitting at a bar with my friend who is short and tiny and basically my physical polar opposite. I started chatting with a guy sitting next to me - really casual small talk - and he basically said "I'm sorry, but I'm really into tiny brunettes" (my friend) and basically just tried to talk to her, even though she was not paying any attention to him and I wasn't trying to sleep with him, just have a short conversation. It made me feel huge, fat, and awful. But truly - looking back - my friend is a physical type and I'm a physical type. It's really unlikely that the same guy is going to be attracted (on the surface) to a 4'10, 90lb brunette and a 5'9, 200lb blonde the same way. But that doesn't mean some guys aren't going to like me more or some aren't going to like her more.
I'm totally rambling. Anyway, I think you're pretty and you rationally know that. My best advice would be to really try to just accept the way you look and know that you don't have to be ugly OR a knockout, you can just be who you are and the right people will see you the right way. The wrong people don't matter anyway.
Thanks ladies! I had to run to a meeting. It's good to hear I'm not alone and there is a lot of great advice here. Big hugs to everyone else who struggles with this and thanks also for the kind words!
TR I was also teased mercilessly all through school. People called my PDX Ogre.The one guy who did want to be my boyfriend then dumped me and told me he didn't want to talk to me anymore because I was too fat. Girls pushed me in the halls, threw things at me, and I could go on and on.
calle28 there have been moments here and there. I felt gorgeous at my wedding and maybe one or two events I've gone to. I did feel really good about myself when I was in the midst of my eating disorder. I was about 30 pounds lighter than now and it's the only time in my life I felt confident or awesome. Now I see those pictures and hate myself for overcoming the ED.
I also used to have like really wild style and crazy big hair, tons and tons of makeup. And I've really scaled that back. Because I was literally hiding under it all. Maybe it's just getting sort of used to my more natural look? Which people have responded to really positively.
It's really embarrassing how much I just want to feel pretty. A lot of times I feel great at home and then go out in public and I loose it all.
Post by pinkdutchtulips on Jan 29, 2015 17:13:07 GMT -5
I struggle w weight and height !
I'm working on the weight but there is NOTHING I can do about the height !! drives me crazy to see tall guys 6'4"+ dating these teeny tinny 5'2" women I feel not up to par bc I'm TOO tall ! sometimes I wish I was a few inches shorter ....
I'm right there with you. I've been told by family that I am not attractive and fat since I was a kid. It sucks. I'm sad that there are so many of us in this boat.
I'm working on the weight but there is NOTHING I can do about the height !! drives me crazy to see tall guys 6'4"+ dating these teeny tinny 5'2" women I feel not up to par bc I'm TOO tall ! sometimes I wish I was a few inches shorter ....
Post by redredwine on Jan 29, 2015 17:45:40 GMT -5
A. I think you're adorable and I'd hit on you. Seriously girl-you have SO much going for you and I know plenty of people who'd kill for your body! You have gorgeous blue eyes, great hair which has been rocking lately, a body that can do Pilates, Barre, run a marathon, etc.
You know what I try and tell myself when I'm sucking at self confidence?? I don't know a SINGLE GIRL who is happy with their body/appearance. Not one. Women I ENVY and would LOVE to have their butt hate theirs. I compare my flabby stomach to someone with a flat stomach and they say "UGh! I'm so FAT!" grabbing on to their non existant rolls. I see someone with the most shiny perfect straight hair and they roll their eyes said "Ugh, it's so flat! I hate it". I see women complain that their calves are too skinny for boots and i CANNOT COMPREHEND.
I guess, realizing we all hate our body-even the size negative 0's-makes me say to myself no one is perfect. I realize that while I HATE my curves, they are welcomed by others. I can't change the fact I'm curvy. I can't change the fact I have curly hair. I can't change the fact I'm 5'2". I just have to accept, make the best and focus on the things that are GREAT about me, my body, and what its capable of.
Thanks ladies! I had to run to a meeting. It's good to hear I'm not alone and there is a lot of great advice here. Big hugs to everyone else who struggles with this and thanks also for the kind words!
TR I was also teased mercilessly all through school. People called my PDX Ogre.The one guy who did want to be my boyfriend then dumped me and told me he didn't want to talk to me anymore because I was too fat. Girls pushed me in the halls, threw things at me, and I could go on and on.
calle28 there have been moments here and there. I felt gorgeous at my wedding and maybe one or two events I've gone to. I did feel really good about myself when I was in the midst of my eating disorder. I was about 30 pounds lighter than now and it's the only time in my life I felt confident or awesome. Now I see those pictures and hate myself for overcoming the ED.
I also used to have like really wild style and crazy big hair, tons and tons of makeup. And I've really scaled that back. Because I was literally hiding under it all. Maybe it's just getting sort of used to my more natural look? Which people have responded to really positively.
It's really embarrassing how much I just want to feel pretty. A lot of times I feel great at home and then go out in public and I loose it all.
I think you've looked awesome lately...maybe the more natural Pdx18 just makes you glow or something, seriously!
I'm working on the weight but there is NOTHING I can do about the height !! drives me crazy to see tall guys 6'4"+ dating these teeny tinny 5'2" women I feel not up to par bc I'm TOO tall ! sometimes I wish I was a few inches shorter ....
how tall are you?
6' even .. there's something intimidating to some guys (obv BT is NOT among them !) about a 6' woman. xh gave me endless grief over how most guys saw 6'+ in a woman as manly .... sheesh
Are there certain things that make you feel pretty? I have some specific things that I do if I need a boost, like wearing a bold lipstick or my favorite jewelry or a sexy dress. I'm a girly girl and dress up and looking pretty can be so much fun! If you feel like you look pretty you will walk a little taller and confidence shows for sure. I have no idea if I am "actually" pretty, but I feel like I am so who cares.
And those guys that won't talk to you probably are married or have a girlfriend and are afraid if they talk to you they might cheat!
6' even .. there's something intimidating to some guys (obv BT is NOT among them !) about a 6' woman. xh gave me endless grief over how most guys saw 6'+ in a woman as manly .... sheesh
I am 5'11" and far from manly! haha I think it's hard being taller b/c I limit my dating pool but most men love long legs!!
Are there certain things that make you feel pretty? I have some specific things that I do if I need a boost, like wearing a bold lipstick or my favorite jewelry or a sexy dress. I'm a girly girl and dress up and looking pretty can be so much fun! If you feel like you look pretty you will walk a little taller and confidence shows for sure. I have no idea if I am "actually" pretty, but I feel like I am so who cares.
And those guys that won't talk to you probably are married or have a girlfriend and are afraid if they talk to you they might cheat!
HA! I like this line of thinking. I'm actually a super girly girl as well. Almost everyday I have hair and makeup done and cute outfit. I mean I have my days, but generally I'm really pulled together. and I love doing my hair and makeup. And I can look in the mirror and feel awesome and then head out of my apartment feeling awesome. But the minute I see anyone else I'm instantly deflated. I'll see someone who looks better than me and I instantly think it means I look like shit. Which doesn't make sense actually. But that's how I feel. Gah!
6' even .. there's something intimidating to some guys (obv BT is NOT among them !) about a 6' woman. xh gave me endless grief over how most guys saw 6'+ in a woman as manly .... sheesh
I am 5'11" and far from manly! haha I think it's hard being taller b/c I limit my dating pool but most men love long legs!!
I have a 6' minimum w/ guys ... tall and thin I think most guys find attractive (I had to beat them away w/ a stick w/ I was at my happy 160-170 weight) but tall and fat (my current 220+) .. nooooooo
Are there certain things that make you feel pretty? I have some specific things that I do if I need a boost, like wearing a bold lipstick or my favorite jewelry or a sexy dress. I'm a girly girl and dress up and looking pretty can be so much fun! If you feel like you look pretty you will walk a little taller and confidence shows for sure. I have no idea if I am "actually" pretty, but I feel like I am so who cares.
And those guys that won't talk to you probably are married or have a girlfriend and are afraid if they talk to you they might cheat!
HA! I like this line of thinking. I'm actually a super girly girl as well. Almost everyday I have hair and makeup done and cute outfit. I mean I have my days, but generally I'm really pulled together. and I love doing my hair and makeup. And I can look in the mirror and feel awesome and then head out of my apartment feeling awesome. But the minute I see anyone else I'm instantly deflated. I'll see someone who looks better than me and I instantly think it means I look like shit. Which doesn't make sense actually. But that's how I feel. Gah!
I struggle so much comparing myself to others, in all areas of my life. I think she's prettier, better hair, better clothes, better hair, smarter, better apartment, better job, etc. Yes, there is someone who is prettier than me. Who cares?! I am enough and so are you!
I know there are people who look at you and compare themselves to you. We compare our insides to other people's outsides. We have no idea what they are struggling with.
I'm working on the weight but there is NOTHING I can do about the height !! drives me crazy to see tall guys 6'4"+ dating these teeny tinny 5'2" women I feel not up to par bc I'm TOO tall ! sometimes I wish I was a few inches shorter ....
I'm 4'11 and 3/4 and guys don't want to date me bc I'm too short! Also, I'm never pretty, sexy, or hawt. I'm cute! So annoying! One day I wanna be a beautiful woman instead of a cute girl!
Post by Eureka1984 on Jan 29, 2015 18:40:54 GMT -5
First off you are such a beautiful person for admitting this and putting this on the board! I too, will be following this closely as I feel the same way.
As for dating too, I feel like guys have such a distorted view of women. And it's got to also be do to social media. I noticed this the last time I went out with my ex fwb, he kept a few women around and then based on the occasion would bring them to events and always was looking for a better girl. And thankfully I had enough to recognize this and move on.
As for self confidence, whenever I have those bad thoughts I write on my phone in Evernote, why I'm feeling that way. Then after I write it down, I say 3 positives of my experience of writing it down. That has always helped me.
Also, b/c I'm a teacher, I am reminded how many times I have to praise my students to get them to do something and it also works with your thoughts, for ever bad thought say 3 good things.
I am 5'11" and far from manly! haha I think it's hard being taller b/c I limit my dating pool but most men love long legs!!
I have a 6' minimum w/ guys ... tall and thin I think most guys find attractive (I had to beat them away w/ a stick w/ I was at my happy 160-170 weight) but tall and fat (my current 220+) .. nooooooo
I think a lot of guys like a woman with a little meat on their bones! There is someone for everyone
Are there certain things that make you feel pretty? I have some specific things that I do if I need a boost, like wearing a bold lipstick or my favorite jewelry or a sexy dress. I'm a girly girl and dress up and looking pretty can be so much fun! If you feel like you look pretty you will walk a little taller and confidence shows for sure. I have no idea if I am "actually" pretty, but I feel like I am so who cares.
And those guys that won't talk to you probably are married or have a girlfriend and are afraid if they talk to you they might cheat!
HA! I like this line of thinking. I'm actually a super girly girl as well. Almost everyday I have hair and makeup done and cute outfit. I mean I have my days, but generally I'm really pulled together. and I love doing my hair and makeup. And I can look in the mirror and feel awesome and then head out of my apartment feeling awesome. But the minute I see anyone else I'm instantly deflated. I'll see someone who looks better than me and I instantly think it means I look like shit. Which doesn't make sense actually. But that's how I feel. Gah!
There is always going to be someone prettier than you. And there is. Always going to be someone uglier! Plus we are all so much more than our looks.
@bk totally! I think I just figure, well if there is someone prettier than me why would anyone want to bother with me? I am fully aware of how irrational I'm being and I likely just don't have a very inviting look because I"m spending so much time being self-conscious. Uggg. Well I'm definitely going to take some of the advice here. I have a gala tomorrow night for work, so this might be a good space to try and chat up people (just for the sake of chatting, not to like date). I'll be in a space that I feel comfortable with so perhaps that will make a difference.
I have never really struggled with this much which I think is so weird because I look at most of you ladies and think you are way prettier/skinnier/whatever than I am and wonder if I am over confident lol. I think I was lucky enough to be raised in a very self positive environment though.
With that said I do have my moments and have a few things that helped and also have one moment that really helped cement an understanding for me.
About 2 years ago I had some boudoir pics taken as a bday present to myself, they were outside in natural light with much more natural looking makeup, in a cardigan and underwear, and even some reading Harry Potter in a tank and shorts on a swing. I did them for me and me only, in fact my xh asked me why I wasted the money. I ROCKED those pics and felt I looked so flipping gorgeous in them. I have one 16x24 on canvas on my bedroom wall, I look at it every morning (especially when I am having an off day) and remind myself that I've got this. I actually plan on doing some more on the beach this summer with the same photog.
I also feel really powerful and sexy after I work out, so I usually look at myself in the mirror when I get home from the gym a few nights a week and try to notice things like my muscles or things I am proud of. I could stand there and focus on my big stomach or flabby arms, but I make a conscious choice to focus on the things I do love. Focus on the things you do love and when you find yourself having negative self talk drown those thoughts out with the positive, I know its easier said than done, but if you can do this successfully even a couple of days a week its a huge win.
I have about 50-60 lbs I need to lose, so I am not a small girl, but I prefer to not date guys that are significantly overweight. One of my ex's was a pretty tall skinny guy and while we had great chemistry I knew I wasnt his ideal type. I think in my mind I thought skinny guys would just settle for a heavier girl, but that was never their preference. I was out with another friend who is a very skinny skater type of guy (think Adam Lavigne body type, just not his face lol) and was playing wing woman to him while he hit on girls at a cowboys game. I would point out a girl I thought was cute and he would tell me no she was too skinny and would go hit on a girl closer to my size. Fast forward a little and I broke up with my bf and the friend pursued me HARD. To date I have never in my life felt more wanted and sexy (or had better sex) than when I was with that boy. I guess in that moment I realized that all shapes, sizes, professions, styles want different things and will be wanted by a diverse group of people.
Just work on owning the awesome, gorgeous, amazing and unique person that you are and I promise there are absolutely guys out there that will want you over the girl standing next to you that you think is prettier/skinnier/whatever. Though you absolutely don't need the guy to be all those awesome things, and that is something I have really admired about you since joining this board (and several other girls) is your ability to just work on loving yourself and not needing to be with anyone else.
Ok, first off I think you are very pretty. I've felt that way in regards to my body. As a kid, I was always the tallest and made to feel huge. I'm 5'8 as an adult..taller than average, but whatever. I got used to it as I got older. But I've never been thin. At my smallest as an adult, I was a size 12. Now I'm 16. I feel like people think I'm pretty, but my weight is an issue. The average size of most of my friends and coworkers ranges from 0-6. I've always felt massive. When I was online dating I felt like most guys were not interested solely based on my size. Im nicely shaped and not morbidly obese or sloppy, but it didn't matter. It was really hard on me.