Confession... I guess now is a decent time

[rockthisbitch]

Well, I said I'd come out with the reason I GBCNed like a year ago... so here it is.

It's LONG (that's what she said)......

My husband and I have been separated since February of last year. It was 100% my choice.

There are a gajillion reasons why I came to the decision to leave, most of which I don't really want to share, but they are all valid, to me - not petty or things taken lightly in the slightest. We'd been together for eight years, married for almost two and friends for over 15.

We both always agreed that 99% of problems/issues in a marriage can be fixed and worked on without resorting to divorce/separation... I preached it here I don't know how many times. So, the "I told you so"s can fly and I won't turn them away. I just got to a point where I was so miserable being at home with him every day and even though we could get along as great friends, joking, laughing and having fun, every single day, I started to feel like we were basically roommates. I felt like we were growing apart on a higher relationship level and started to feel like he really didn't care about me as his wife. I felt rejected, enslaved, controlled, etc.

I exhausted several resources before coming to my decision. I spoke to pastors, counselors, doctors, etc... I also told him how I was feeling in August of 2010 and gave it an honest effort for six months, but I felt that nothing had changed/gotten better and that I had to get out - I was completely emotionally disconnected from the whole situation.

I spoke to a pastor at my parents' church (non-denominational) the night I left (another story about that in a minute) who told me that if I felt in my heart that we were not meant to be together, then it was probably time to move on... I went to my parents and told them everything, we all cried more than we've ever cried before, and I went home and told him I was leaving and couldn't take it anymore. I was at the house for several hours, we were both extremely emotional and upset, he begged me not to leave, but I did. That weekend, I moved most of my stuff out of the house (which wasn't much - everything before we got married was his and I didn't want to take anything away from him, so I took just my clothes, movies and CDs) and into my parents' house, where I remained for eight months. I talked to him sporadically. I missed him a lot but after a few months of being gone, I started to feel like I only missed the friendship and the stuff (having a house, our dog, my nice kitchen supplies, etc.) and not the marriage. I made the decision to get my own apartment in October of last year, mostly because I couldn't stand living with my parents anymore (my mom is basically Marie Barrone from Everybody Loves Raymond). I started counseling with a new therapist last summer and she helped me to work through a lot of the issues I was having.

I told my husband, shortly before I moved into my apartment, that I did not want to see or talk to him, because I felt like it was confusing both of us and not helping. I asked him several times over the course of the summer to go to marriage counseling together, and he completely agreed, but would not take any initiative to get us there. He saw/sees a therapist on an individual basis, which I appreciate so much. A lot of things have come out that I had no idea about him and I feel that it has helped him so much.

A few months ago, I found out that the pastor I had spoken to the night I left had been cheating on his wife for a really long time. My parents said he stood up in front of the entire church and told everyone what he had done and that he was quitting. I couldn't believe it. I trusted someone to give me sound advice and counseling and he was probably the worst person I could have turned to at that time. It changed how I was looking at the situation a lot. I knew how I felt but the things he advised me on and told me that night really sort of pushed me to make the decision to leave right away.

I called my husband that week, after not speaking with him for several months, and asked if he wanted to go out and talk. He agreed and we talked for hours. I told him I wanted to give it another shot and he accepted. We've been taking it very, very slowly. I'm still living in my apartment and we see each other several times a week. I can tell that he's changed a lot, but we're both still very reserved about the whole thing. We agree that we can probably find a common ground on all of our issues and we're working really hard to do so. Throughout this entire time, I never seriously considered calling a lawyer or filing for divorce... and I'm glad I didn't ever pull that trigger.

Today is/would be our third anniversary. We're going out on a nice date tonight and I'm really excited.

Just wanted to share this. I was involved a lot with MM (and was a mod, which I don't think I want to be over here, lol) and I missed it and lurked every once in a while... but I thought some might have wondered about me and some might like to know why. I also feel like it's a story worth telling.

Hopefully, I can get reacquainted with the peeps and inside jokes.

[Deleted]

RTB Good luck with things.

[ecupirate04]

Wow! This is a great story. I hope you both find peace in whatever you decide in the end.

[Deleted]

::hugs:: Good luck RTB.

[hamster]

Hugs. I was just thinking about you this morning, since I know our anniversaries are around the same time.

I have noticed you were gone, and missed having you around. Glad you're back!

[HoneySpider]

I hope that everything works out for you the way you want it to.

And welcome back to the board!

[hannamarin]

Wow ihope things work out well for you.
I dont think the pastors own relationship matters to his ability to advise. My 2 cents. Dont beat yourself up on that one

[ssmjlm]

Kudos to both of you for being mature about the situation and taking actions to work through the issues. I hope whatever happens is the best for you. Most people wouldn't have done as much work as you two have.

And I hope you have a nice anniversary dinner tonight.

[ijack]

Thank you for sharing your story. I wish you luck with whatever road you take.

[womet]

Wow, thanks for sharing your story. I wish you and your husband all the best, whether it's together or not.

About the pastor... when my friend's parents were going through some difficulties and were separating, my friend's mom sought out a pastor from another church to speak with. See, they're Catholic, and my friend's mom did not feel comfortable accepting marriage advice from someone who isn't married.

{{{hugs}}} I hope you're going to stay and post more often.

[jenny1223]

Thanks for sharing your story. Good luck with however things work out for you.

[bella90422]

Thanks for sharing your journey. Best wishes!

[raangoli]

May 16, 2012 10:44:32 GMT -5 ssmjlm said:

Kudos to both of you for being mature about the situation and taking actions to work through the issues. I hope whatever happens is the best for you. Most people wouldn't have done as much work as you two have.

And I hope you have a nice anniversary dinner tonight.

This. It takes a lot to walk away, but I feel like it takes a lot more to say "Let's try again."

[dreamgirl]

Thanks for sharing! I hope you guys have a wonderful night tonight.

Sending thoughts your way!

[Deleted]

Hugs. Your very brave, both to leave, and to reconsider things. I don't think the pastor's relationship changes his ability to advise you on your's, but I can understand your feelings on that. Our marriage counselor is divorced, but she still does a good job. Good luck as you sort through things. I hope you have a wonderful date tonight.

[Deleted]

I'm glad you're still around. I hope things work out for the best.

[SJ]

Wow- what a story! Thank you for sharing it here.

I wish you the very best and am glad you are on track and doing what feels right to you.

[Deleted]

Hugs, RTB. We're here for you.

[countthestars]

Hi RTB. It's good to see you back. ((hugs))

[Kore]

Thank you for sharing. I've often wondered about you, and hoped everything was going well. I'm so sorry you've been through all of this. It sounds like you're being very level-headed & not taking anything lightly.

[dexteroni]

Oh wow. That is quite a story. I'm glad you feel optimistic, and really I hope it works out if you want to! I agree that the pastor's personal business doesn't mean his advice is worthless. And I don't think his revelation makes your reasons for wanting to leave any less valid. I agree that it takes incredible strength to do what you're doing, and I honestly don't know if I would have it. I am very impressed with you.

And welcome back! Stick around this time, no matter what happens.

[Lissa]

Enjoy your dinner date tonight and good luck.

[vanillacourage]

:Y:

[rockthisbitch]

May 16, 2012 10:53:06 GMT -5 farmvillelover said:

May 16, 2012 10:43:24 GMT -5 @choco said:

::hugs:: Good luck RTB.

I'm wishing you all the luck in the world Rock.
PS pls give Piper a giant kiss from me (it's 10yrs with the 2 Bostons)

I know who you are. I try to soak her up every time I see her!! It was hard to give her up in my decision, too, and she helped H get through all of this. Thank you!!

[Deleted]

Missed you, RTB, and happy you're back!

Thanks for sharing. Good luck figuring out everything.

[krystee]

Good luck with everything! I know from personal experience that a couple can go through a very rough spot and still make it work, so if that is what you want, I wish you the very best!

[aspentosh]

Wishing you the best, whatever you decide that is.

[Deleted]

Good luck RTB! I hope things are looking up, no matter which direction it goes. We're here for you!

[ejpint]

Wishing you the best - and hope your dinner is lovely!

[heygrey]

hugs and strength and peace, rtb.