XH advice needed

[achase123]

XH has been gradually making progress at becoming more a part of DS' life. For those who don't know the backstory: XH is a recovering addict and has just over a year of sobriety. He drug tests weekly. He's progressed from having supervised visitation to unsupervised visits. Occasionally if I'm in a babysitting bind, I will have XH watch DS while I'm at work. This has been going fine. DS is very happy with him and XH seems to really enjoy it. Win/win, right?

Well, yesterday he watched P all day and they were at XH's ranch working on a barn. This is about a forty minute drive. When I arrived home and got DS from him, I could smell beer on him. I asked him if he'd drank a beer and he looked me dead in the eyes and said "no, absolutely not I do NOT drink at all, I have been sober over a year now". I'm not an idiot, I know the smell of beer, and I know what he smells like after drinking a beer, I was with him for over seven years.

I know it's too much to ask for him to be honest with me, but obviously I have major issues if he's going to drink and drive with DS. Especially somewhere so far away. AND, he is supposedly sober now. I guess my dilemma is I'm not sure what (if anything) I can do about this. I will document it, but aside from that the court probably will not care that he had a beer or two.

Any advice on how to proceed with this would be appreciated. Probably more than anything I am discouraged because I worry that if he's drinking it will spiral quickly downward and lead to him going back to his old ways. I'm also sad because I was beginning to trust him with DS and now that trust is gone.

[vikingqueen]

Yeah that would make me uncomfortable too. I'm sorry your going through that. I don't have any advice though. I know for me the trust thing would be out of the window and I would not want my child around him unattended again. Is he in AA or anything? Does he has a sponser he reports to or anything? If so I would contact them and ask them for advice. Hope you figure out something soon.

[heavenly]

My ex was a high functioning alcoholic, there were even times he fooled me and still to this day, I don't always catch him. It makes me nervous and desire to be more cautious and wondering when DS is with him. Aside from the alcohol, he truly is a good father and pays so much attention to DS when in his company.
I know I don’t have any control of this and that is the hardest part. I would document everything and then when “if” something (unfortunately) happens then you can provide history that lead to this event to court to confirm your suspicious was always there. In the meantime, I pray a lot, I mean a lot!!!
Have you thought about attending al-non groups? They may provide insightful information and ideas how to approach your ex.

[bullygirl979]

Do you have any sort of relationship with his parents? Could you reach out to them?

[achase123]

May 16, 2012 10:53:14 GMT -5 bullygirl979 said:

Do you have any sort of relationship with his parents? Could you reach out to them?

No, I have a horrible relationship with his mother. We do not even speak. She's the quintessential enabler and has contributed to XH's delinquency his whole life. His dad barely talks (he's super quiet) and I wouldn't feel comfortable talking to him. I know his mom would lie even if she knew something as would his sister.

Al-anon might be good and I will definitely document.

[turtle1120]

This is a tough one. I'm not sure what you can do other than document it. You could try sending your XH an email to address the issue. I'm sure it'd just start a big argument and he'd deny everything, but it'd be another way of documenting things.

If it becomes a repeated thing, I'd consult your attorney. If it keeps happening, you could always have the police come out at a time you pick P up to verify your suspicions that your XH has been drinking. I don't know how much weight it would carry if he was just a few drinks and he wasn't actually drunk though? I completely understand your concerns because he's a recovering addict, but I'm not sure you could do anything unless you add something to the CO that says neither of you can drink when you have P. But that would keep you from having a glass of wine at night or a drink here or there.

[bullygirl979]

Also, if it happens again, I wouldn't ask him a question that kind of "forces" him to lie. Because you know he will. I would say something like "XH, I am a little concerned because I can smell beer on your breath. I am not judging you for this but I will be more than happy to pick DS up if you want to have a drink or two. Just let me know".

So you are calling him out (in a way) and also letting him off the hook (which I know isn't cool but the bottom line is that DS is safe), KWIM?

[achase123]

May 16, 2012 11:07:27 GMT -5 bullygirl979 said:

Also, if it happens again, I wouldn't ask him a question that kind of "forces" him to lie. Because you know he will. I would say something like "XH, I am a little concerned because I can smell beer on your breath. I am not judging you for this but I will be more than happy to pick DS up if you want to have a drink or two. Just let me know".

So you are calling him out (in a way) and also letting him off the hook (which I know isn't cool but the bottom line is that DS is safe), KWIM?

Yes, that is a great suggestion to help him avoid getting defensive. I still think he would lie, but it is a better approach to take.

[prettyinpearls]

May 16, 2012 11:13:44 GMT -5 achase123 said:

May 16, 2012 11:07:27 GMT -5 bullygirl979 said:

Also, if it happens again, I wouldn't ask him a question that kind of "forces" him to lie. Because you know he will. I would say something like "XH, I am a little concerned because I can smell beer on your breath. I am not judging you for this but I will be more than happy to pick DS up if you want to have a drink or two. Just let me know".

So you are calling him out (in a way) and also letting him off the hook (which I know isn't cool but the bottom line is that DS is safe), KWIM?

Yes, that is a great suggestion to help him avoid getting defensive. I still think he would lie, but it is a better approach to take.

I agree with this and think it's a great suggestion. Unfortunately, there's not much else you can do as frustrating and stressful as it is.

[Deleted]

if you think your ex husband is endangering the life of your child by drinking and driving, and he cannot even be honest with you about it, I would buy a professional breathalyzer.

If he wants time with his son and will be operating machinery around him or driving him around, he needs to be sober. because you unfortunately cannot trust his word, I really can't think of another way to verify this.

[stephbfan]

Hopefully it doesn't happen again but if it does, I would just tell him that if he continues down this path, you will taking to court to make sure he doesn't drive P around unless he is sober.