Please help!

[How do you leave a nice guy]

My husband and I have been married 6 years this August and I just cannot take it anymore. He's a nice guy and a great dad- but I am just not happy. I have felt this way for a long time, and really feel that I owe to to myself to be happy, I'm only 31, it scares me that if I stay with him I will wake up 10 years from now thinking OMG, where did my life go. I am really feeling like I am trapped in my life- I have thought about seeking therapy on my own- before I make any decisions concerning my marriage, but then I wake up next to him and think- I wish he wasn't here- I just would so much rather be alone, that cannot be a good thing.

I just wish he wasn't so nice- I wish did did something to make it easier for me to leave. It also scares the crap out of me to be 31, divorced, with a 2 year old.
Any advice?

[doriswe]

Are you in counseling?

[SLSVEGAS80]

May 16, 2012 10:45:35 GMT -5 doriswe said:

Are you in counseling?

Not yet- I am seriously considering it

[audg]

I second therapy. Even if you start out just going by yourself, it will help you weed through your emotions and get to the bottom of why you feel this disconnect from your husband. You say he's a nice guy and a great dad, but that you've been unhappy for a long time. Have you just drifted apart? That is normal and couples therapy might help you. Because you have a child, I think you should work hard on trying to make it better before you pull the plug. And not that it's any of my (our) business, but have you met someone else? It sounds like maybe you have... I'm not judging.. just asking.

[doriswe]

May 16, 2012 10:49:57 GMT -5 audg said:

I second therapy. Even if you start out just going by yourself, it will help you weed through your emotions and get to the bottom of why you feel this disconnect from your husband. You say he's a nice guy and a great dad, but that you've been unhappy for a long time. Have you just drifted apart? That is normal and couples therapy might help you. Because you have a child, I think you should work hard on trying to make it better before you pull the plug. And not that it's any of my (our) business, but have you met someone else? It sounds like maybe you have... I'm not judging.. just asking.

All of this....plus the grass might not always be greener.

[turtle1120]

I think you owe it to yourself and your family to seek counseling before making such a big decision to leave. Perhaps your marriage just needs some working on? Perhaps if you communicate your needs to your husband more and tell him what it would take to help make you happy - he would be willing to make some changes?

I'm a single mom of an 18 month old and it's hard. I'm not saying stay with your husband for fear of doing it alone. I'm much happier now and much more at peace than I was before, but if there's not something hugely wrong with your marriage I think you should at least attempt to improve it before pulling the plug.

[blackkitty]

Why aren't you happy?
Is it possible you aren't happy with yourself and that it has nothing to do with your husband?

[SLSVegas80]

May 16, 2012 10:49:57 GMT -5 audg said:

I second therapy. Even if you start out just going by yourself, it will help you weed through your emotions and get to the bottom of why you feel this disconnect from your husband. You say he's a nice guy and a great dad, but that you've been unhappy for a long time. Have you just drifted apart? That is normal and couples therapy might help you. Because you have a child, I think you should work hard on trying to make it better before you pull the plug. And not that it's any of my (our) business, but have you met someone else? It sounds like maybe you have... I'm not judging.. just asking.

You really hit the nail on the head with the drifting apart- we definalty have. I think I just have really changed since I have met DH- we met when I was 24 and were married when I was 26, now at almost 32 I feel so much more in tune with what I want in life and who I want to share my life with. I do think that therapy could help me figure out why I am feeling like that.
There is not another guy that I am seeing or doing anything with- there is a guy that I recently started working with @ work and I will say that he is amazing, but nothing has gone past a working relationship, but if I were single I would be all over him. I will say that spending time with him got me thinking what my life would be like with someone else, but I also understand that the grass isn't always greener.

[bullygirl979]

May 16, 2012 10:49:57 GMT -5 audg said:

I second therapy. Even if you start out just going by yourself, it will help you weed through your emotions and get to the bottom of why you feel this disconnect from your husband. You say he's a nice guy and a great dad, but that you've been unhappy for a long time. Have you just drifted apart? That is normal and couples therapy might help you. Because you have a child, I think you should work hard on trying to make it better before you pull the plug. And not that it's any of my (our) business, but have you met someone else? It sounds like maybe you have... I'm not judging.. just asking.

ITA. It is normal at times to feel dissatified with your relationship. I read a study once of couples who reported being "unhappy" and considering divorce. They interviewed them 5 years later and the majority of them were still with their spouses and said that they were completely happy and glad that they stayed.

I think you owe it to yourself, you H and your DC to get into therapy to weed some of this stuff out. Or....there is a lot that you are not telling us.

[bullygirl979]

May 16, 2012 11:00:28 GMT -5 @SLSVegas80 said:

May 16, 2012 10:49:57 GMT -5 audg said:

I second therapy. Even if you start out just going by yourself, it will help you weed through your emotions and get to the bottom of why you feel this disconnect from your husband. You say he's a nice guy and a great dad, but that you've been unhappy for a long time. Have you just drifted apart? That is normal and couples therapy might help you. Because you have a child, I think you should work hard on trying to make it better before you pull the plug. And not that it's any of my (our) business, but have you met someone else? It sounds like maybe you have... I'm not judging.. just asking.

You really hit the nail on the head with the drifting apart- we definalty have. I think I just have really changed since I have met DH- we met when I was 24 and were married when I was 26, now at almost 32 I feel so much more in tune with what I want in life and who I want to share my life with. I do think that therapy could help me figure out why I am feeling like that.
There is not another guy that I am seeing or doing anything with- there is a guy that I recently started working with @ work and I will say that he is amazing, but nothing has gone past a working relationship, but if I were single I would be all over him. I will say that spending time with him got me thinking what my life would be like with someone else, but I also understand that the grass isn't always greener.

Be careful of this. Personally, unless there is a lot more than what you are sharing, I think you should be in 1:1 therapy and you and your H should be in couples counseling.

[SLSvegas80]

May 16, 2012 11:03:33 GMT -5 bullygirl979 said:

May 16, 2012 11:00:28 GMT -5 @SLSVegas80 said:

You really hit the nail on the head with the drifting apart- we definalty have. I think I just have really changed since I have met DH- we met when I was 24 and were married when I was 26, now at almost 32 I feel so much more in tune with what I want in life and who I want to share my life with. I do think that therapy could help me figure out why I am feeling like that.
There is not another guy that I am seeing or doing anything with- there is a guy that I recently started working with @ work and I will say that he is amazing, but nothing has gone past a working relationship, but if I were single I would be all over him. I will say that spending time with him got me thinking what my life would be like with someone else, but I also understand that the grass isn't always greener.

Be careful of this. Personally, unless there is a lot more than what you are sharing, I think you should be in 1:1 therapy and you and your H should be in couples counseling.

I am all for one on one therapy, that is something that I have no issues doing, I have even asked my husband if he would go to couples therapy. He said he would, but he wants to use the services at our church- and I am wanting to use an acutal psychologist- not the church- so we did butt heads a little over that. I think I will just schedule myself an appt to start and if we need couples therapy down the road so be it, but I do realize that I need to work through my feelings first. I understand what you are saying about the danger of working so closely with a man that you are attracted to- for me that's really not an issue. Yes I find him attractive- but I also don't want to destroy my family- I would much rather figure out why I am feeling like this and try to repair my marriage.

[blackkitty]

May 16, 2012 11:09:34 GMT -5 @SLSvegas80 said:

May 16, 2012 11:03:33 GMT -5 bullygirl979 said:

Be careful of this. Personally, unless there is a lot more than what you are sharing, I think you should be in 1:1 therapy and you and your H should be in couples counseling.

I am all for one on one therapy, that is something that I have no issues doing, I have even asked my husband if he would go to couples therapy. He said he would, but he wants to use the services at our church- and I am wanting to use an acutal psychologist- not the church- so we did butt heads a little over that. I think I will just schedule myself an appt to start and if we need couples therapy down the road so be it, but I do realize that I need to work through my feelings first. I understand what you are saying about the danger of working so closely with a man that you are attracted to- for me that's really not an issue. Yes I find him attractive- but I also don't want to destroy my family- I would much rather figure out why I am feeling like this and try to repair my marriage.

So which is it? You want to leave a nice guy or you want to repair your marriage?

[bullygirl979]

May 16, 2012 11:09:34 GMT -5 @SLSvegas80 said:

May 16, 2012 11:03:33 GMT -5 bullygirl979 said:

Be careful of this. Personally, unless there is a lot more than what you are sharing, I think you should be in 1:1 therapy and you and your H should be in couples counseling.

I am all for one on one therapy, that is something that I have no issues doing, I have even asked my husband if he would go to couples therapy. He said he would, but he wants to use the services at our church- and I am wanting to use an acutal psychologist- not the church- so we did butt heads a little over that. I think I will just schedule myself an appt to start and if we need couples therapy down the road so be it, but I do realize that I need to work through my feelings first. I understand what you are saying about the danger of working so closely with a man that you are attracted to- for me that's really not an issue. Yes I find him attractive- but I also don't want to destroy my family- I would much rather figure out why I am feeling like this and try to repair my marriage.

Personally, I wouldn't wait to start couples counseling. Because bottom line, there are 2 of you in the marriage. And some of what may come out in counseling could affect how you feel.

[SLSvegas80]

May 16, 2012 11:11:27 GMT -5 @blackkitty said:

May 16, 2012 11:09:34 GMT -5 @SLSvegas80 said:

I am all for one on one therapy, that is something that I have no issues doing, I have even asked my husband if he would go to couples therapy. He said he would, but he wants to use the services at our church- and I am wanting to use an acutal psychologist- not the church- so we did butt heads a little over that. I think I will just schedule myself an appt to start and if we need couples therapy down the road so be it, but I do realize that I need to work through my feelings first. I understand what you are saying about the danger of working so closely with a man that you are attracted to- for me that's really not an issue. Yes I find him attractive- but I also don't want to destroy my family- I would much rather figure out why I am feeling like this and try to repair my marriage.

So which is it? You want to leave a nice guy or you want to repair your marriage?

I want to know why I am not happy with a nice guy and why I would even consider leaving. I want to know if sometimes you are just with the wrong person, for no other reason then you just don't mesh well together. I can totally see geting a divorce when there is abuse, or addictions or cheating- but I am really struggling with leaving just because I'm not happy. The poster who stated that we could be very disconnected- that's the perfect work to describe my marriage- I need to know if that can be fixed, or does that just happen over time?

[achase123]

I think that you are on a slippery slope here. I would cut off all contact with your co-worker-that's only going to lead to innappropriate things and could be a huge mess.

Get into couples therapy. Maybe it will help, maybe it won't but at least you'll know. It sounds like you are mainly bored and have reached a stagnant point in your marriage. That's going to happen several times over in the course of a lifetime together; you need to decide if you can work through it.

I would also try to focus on the positives about him besides telling yourself "oh he's SUCH a good guy". There's got to be reasons you fell in love with him. What do you enjoy doing together? Plan a romantic weekend away and see if you can reconnect. Try making a nice dinner at home and asking him how his day was. Put positive energy into your relationship instead of dwelling on the negative and flirting with your co-worker. You might be surprised what happens when you stop trying to look for something to be wrong.

[missbetty1]

I agree with PPs, seek out counseling and stop eyeing your cowoker. I broke off my engagement because we were really incompatible and I was unhappy even though he was a nice guy, no cheating, addictions or abuse and we were together 6 years, but I probably would have tried to work much much harder to stay with him to make it work had I married him and bought a child into the world. Please seek counseling before you make any huge life changing decisions regarding your marriage

[udscoobychick]

May 16, 2012 11:17:09 GMT -5 @SLSvegas80 said:

I want to know why I am not happy with a nice guy and why I would even consider leaving. I want to know if sometimes you are just with the wrong person, for no other reason then you just don't mesh well together. I can totally see geting a divorce when there is abuse, or addictions or cheating- but I am really struggling with leaving just because I'm not happy. The poster who stated that we could be very disconnected- that's the perfect work to describe my marriage- I need to know if that can be fixed, or does that just happen over time?

In answer to the bolded, all relationships go through ups and downs. Sometimes you're madly in love with your SO, sometimes you're bored, sometimes they drive you batty, sometimes you can't keep your hands off them. It is what you make of it, though. So you're feeling disconnected? The way I see it, you have three options: 1) things stay as they are, and you learn to deal with it, 2) you get a divorce and get into a new relationship that will probably end up at the same bored point eventually, or 3) you try to fix it by rekindling the spark--being romantic again, trying something new together, re-recreating your first date, etc. Sometimes you don't realize that it has gotten to that point of being bored in a relationship until it's too late and you have already checked out. In that case, it's best to let it go. But I think boredom and disconnect are fixable if they are recognized early on, and both parties put effort into it.

[jojoandleo]

No one can tell you whether you should stay or go. I agree that you should get counseling. I can't tell you if this is just a slump or a bigger incompatibility issue. In the end, though, if you aren't happy, you aren't happy. You don't HAVE to stay because he is a nice guy. There are plenty of nice men out there who I would not want to be with due to personality conflicts. Some people grow up and grow apart. Get some counseling and figure out if you are done or if you really want to work on your marriage. If you are just done, you should leave, it's not fair to you, your child, or your husband to stay in a marriage that isn't working.