"trouble at home" does not mean the school gets involved and reports one parent to the other. "Trouble at home" means the school goes on alert to watch out for the child, and if they see any signs of anything, they report it, as mandated. I cannot think of a situation where the school should be calling a parent reporting on another parent. If there is a legitimate concern, they report or call the police.
you're right. they shouldn't.
I just keep thinking about my cousin quite a few years ago. the daycare did something similar for her. it's a long story and not really mine to tell but they helped her by "reporting" to her. it wasn't about the dad, it was about the kids safety but still even in that situation it probably shouldn't have been done.
I get that you have a personal connection to a similar experience, but in your cousin's case, if it wasn't the school reporting one parent to another, I don't know if it even compares to Roses' situation.
First off, I am so sorry. I am not on here much, and without a bat signal, might not see anything. (FB me anytime)
I think that you've received excellent advice so far, and I do agree that without a clear legal document, the school (although rather shitty/shady)didn't break any laws that I know of. If you both are legally married, and legally share equal rights to your DD, and there is no order of protection, I believe they can let your H know any information pertaining to your DD that he requests. I'm rather surprised they did though...
You are absolutely in the right to feel icky about it, it's rather unnerving when you realize just where your spouse is willing to go. I advise you to not waste too much time on the emotional aspect of it, but instead let it spur you to action. ABUSERS (emotional and physical) DON'T PLAY FAIR.
If you don't like what he's doing, make it illegal for him to do so by obtaining a legal separation and possibly an order of protection while you figure out your next step. Get an emergency custody order in place NOW, and don't stray from it. If you don't feel safe with your H, or don't feel like your DD is safe, call the national domestic violence hotline at 1.800.799.7233. They can also set you up with help in your area, including legal aid. One of the biggest hurdles for me was needing a lawyer and not having money to pay an outrageous retainer.
Sorry for the novel, I'll be thinking of you and your DD.