Frustrated with my husband

[aprilmaple]

I am extremely frustrated with my husband lately.

We have constant arguments and disagreements about money. I am a big saver and he likes to spend. If I ask him not to spend bank account money for whatever reason - and it's usually a good reason - he will do it anyway. For example, I put some money aside for paying some school tuition. It was in our checking account because the payment process is somewhat complicated and I hadn't gotten around to doing it yet. His headset broke on his PS3 and he wanted to get a new one. I told him "Okay, you're getting paid on Wednesday, so we can have some spending money and you can use that to get your headset. Don't spend the bank account money, that's for my school." HE SPENT IT ANYWAY. It was only $16 dollars, but the amount wasn't the problem really, it was that he didn't listen when I asked him not to spend it. He pulls that in various different situations quite a bit.
We'd like to have a "yours, mine, and ours" account, but our financial situation hasn't made that possible, so for now it's "This is our account and maybe sometimes we can get some spending money" type of situation.

Another problem is our housework. I take care of it most of the time, because most of the time I don't mind doing it. However, if I need help, like I'm having a busy day and he's not, and I need him to do the dishes, I'll ask him to do them before I get home. I will get home, and the dishes will not be done, and he will be playing video games or whatever. I'll ask him why he didn't do it, and he'll be like "It's my day off. I just want to relax." The dishes would have taken 15 minutes at most. I don't know why he wouldn't just do them. Then when he doesn't do them and I ask him multiple times, he calls me annoying and tells me to quit nagging him. I don't like to nag, but my other option is to do it all myself. I asked him to get the things done in a 7-hour window, not a 30 minute window. There was time. You are being lazy, I am not being a nag.

What I'd like to do is have a system where we each have our jobs around the house and we take care of them without being reminded. I don't have much faith that he could/would do this.

Also, when we argue, he usually ends up calling me annoying or a b**** or whatever. I understand that neither of us are happy when we argue and that he's annoyed with me at the moment. I still don't think he should ever call me annoying, especially not every time we have a disagreement. It wears me down emotionally. Then when I bring up that it hurts my feelings, his response is usually something along the lines of "Oh, I hurt your feelings?" all sarcastically, like it's not that big of a deal. He is very unemotional, so it wouldn't be that big of a deal to him to be called names all the time, but it is to me, and he knows that. It just makes me really unhappy and feel unappreciated and kind of like he doesn't like me.

Blah. Anyway, anyone's point of view is welcome. I want to fix this because it will just get worse through the years. We are considering having kids within the next year or two, also, and these are definitely big issues that need to be addressed and smoothed out for good before we bring any little ones into the picture.

[beebeeeater]

Hey, did you know we can swear here? So you can say "he ends up calling me a bitch".

And then I can say "your husband is kind of an asshole and a lazy fuck and I'm not sure I'd bother with counseling but if you really really want to try to work it out he needs to get his shit together."

[wrathofkuus]

What exactly does he bring to the table here?

[Chirp]

So... your H is a lazy, emotionally abusive fuckwad who has no respect for you.

Don't bring kids into this. Hell, don't bring another anniversary into this.

What do you get out of being married to him?

[bullygirl979]

For the love of all things holy, DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN RIGHT NOW. I know you said that you are planning on waiting but I feel compelled to say that.

I am going to be brutally honest. Your DH sounds immature and like an ass. It doesn't matter if HE doesn't care if HE is called names but it hurts your feelings so bottom line, he shouldn't be doing it! If you ask him not to do it and he ignores you, he is being completely disrespectful which is NOT OKAY!

You guys are on way different pages on some really important stuff: communication, finances, how to run a household.

Are you in therapy? If not, I would highly recommend it. And if you want to work things out with your DH (SMH) I would recommend some couples counseling.

[interro]

May 16, 2012 11:55:07 GMT -5 beebeeeater said:

Hey, did you know we can swear here? So you can say "he ends up calling me a bitch".

And then I can say "your husband is kind of an asshole and a lazy fuck and I'm not sure I'd bother with counseling but if you really really want to try to work it out he needs to get his shit together."

I always love you, BBE, but right now more than ever.

Aprilmaple, I'm just going to co-sign what BBE said.

And I'll also ask how old you both are.

[Deleted]

He's an asshole.

/gavel

[esdreturns]

May 16, 2012 12:05:00 GMT -5 @habbsies said:

He's an asshole.

/gavel

This. Sorry.

[tmonoxide]

What about the childishness and nastiness toward you? he calls you a bitch?

How the hell are you putting up with that??? I'd be livid and wow, you can bet that would be the last time he dared to utter that word.

You need a marriage counselor, stat.

He needs to grow up. He also needs to learn how to listen to you --- he went ahead and did it anyway? Unacceptable.

I'd tell this little prince that counseling is mandatory and the continuation of the marriage is contingent upon his attendance.
I'm serious.

You're not even married a year and this is what's happening? This is bad news.

If he won't go to counseling, consider moving on. What's he bringing to your table indeed? And there are these many problems after a year --- I tend to suspect that these problems were there before you got married.

There is no respect here for you -- he does not listen to you and he cannot understand that marriage is a partnership -- and he's childish; it's like waaah mommmeeee idoanwannna do thattttt..... and he call you names when he gets mad? Like I said, how old is this guy? TEN???

[broc]

I'm not sure I'd stay in the status quo of this situation, and you're right, over time this will probably get worse as his habits get more ingrained.

Sorry.

[tmonoxide]

He probably came from a home where his parents did everything for him.

Which is why I'm a firm advocate of giving kids chores to do when they are old enough to understand that they also need to pitch in and do their part. They probably did everything for him -- and now he's married and he expects the wife to take the place of the mom and dad.

Bad news.

[imoan]

I don't think I could stay married to a grown ass man who still spent that much time playing video games. I don't care if you play video games... but as an adult, you don't play them while you ignore all of your other responsibilities in life. Grow the fuck up.

And then when we get to the bitch part... well, it's all over.

[geekgirl]

I'm with tmonoxide.

And if he refuses counseling then (and read this part slowly so it really sinks in) he is REFUSING to work on your marriage. You know what that means? He likes being a degrading asshole.

[tmonoxide]

As I said on the now-tits up Nest TIP board, you did NOT get married to have a nasty little divisive "husband" who is lazy, does not have respect for you, is a slob and has every little thing go into one little ear and right out the other.

Nip this in the bud now.

Sit him down for a riot act read --- don't spare the sentiment and tell it like it is.

If he's serious about your marriage, he'll get on it.

Then again, I wonder how much of this can be changed -- respect for you, not being lazy and being a full grown adult should have been there all along.

[Deleted]

Also, I would dump a dude who called me a bitch. For real.

H once told me to STFU and I threw an ironing board over in my haste to inform him that if he ever, EVER used that phrase with me ever again, I would leave him so fast, he'd have road rash on his ballsack.

[tmonoxide]

May 16, 2012 12:26:51 GMT -5 @habbsies said:

Also, I would dump a dude who called me a bitch. For real.

H once told me to STFU and I threw an ironing board over in my haste to inform him that if he ever, EVER used that phrase with me ever again, I would leave him so fast, he'd have road rash on his ballsack.

Who calls their wife a bitch??

It's also childish.

And how in hell does he handle confrontation? Like a 10 year old. what's next from this tween -- an "I HATE YOUUUUUUUU" and he turns on his heel in tears, stalks to your room and SLAMS the door???

Nip this in the bud now --- the buck stops fucking here.

And tell him that if he dares to raise his voice to you or call you a name -- you don't care what kind of name -- he's out of there.

[Deleted]

OP, I'm failing to understand why you're latching on to "annoying" as being the worst thing he's saying to you. This "man" has no respect for you. He's lazy and entitled and mean.

Get out.

[tmonoxide]

May 16, 2012 12:33:22 GMT -5 @feinicstine said:

OP, I'm failing to understand why you're latching on to "annoying" as being the worst thing he's saying to you. This "man" has no respect for you. He's lazy and entitled and mean.

Get out.

And there is no way this happened all in the past 11 months.

I am guessing also this guy never lived on his own --- and if he did, I can imagine the wreck and mess that his place was in, being he's so lazy.

Tell us why you married this guy -- what exactly did you see in him? Because we don't see much at all.

Eating fast food everyday is also pretty certain to put quite the pot belly and arse onto you. It's also not good for your health.

He needs to start brown bagging his lunch --- for money's sake and for the sake of his health. These fast food meals all add up -- even if it's five bucks a day, that's $80 a month if he's eating out 5 days a week. Maybe you don't think $80 is "a lot of money" but it all adds up.

[kellbell191]

I agree that I probably would bail on this, but if you want to drag it out some more so you can say you gave it your best shot, I'd get into marriage counseling and financial counseling, take him off the account for bills and only let him access a fun money account with an amount you agree to going into it each month.

[tmonoxide]

May 16, 2012 12:46:15 GMT -5 kellbell191 said:

I agree that I probably would bail on this, but if you want to drag it out some more so you can say you gave it your best shot, I'd get into marriage counseling and financial counseling, take him off the account for bills and only let him access a fun money account with an amount you agree to going into it each month.

This is like parenting somebody.

The 2 of you were at ends about money before you were married. The horse is out of the barn but when you were considering marriage, it would have been a good idea to jointly visit a marriage counselor.

It is imperative you are both in agreement about how money is saved and spent --- and if you could not agree or come to a solution that the both of you liked and were going to use, the 2 of you should have called it a day and moved on.

He can't keep spending spending spending and not get the implications.

And he can't do as he wishes financially --- you asked him not to do something and he did it anyway.

Consider hatching kid with him?

He's a kid himself. Very immature and it's like living with a tween, from what you described.

What to do:

Serious talk with him. ASAP --- this weekend, do it. Sit down and no interruptions and you make it clear to him what the story is -- and that if he doesn't get his shit together, you are history.

[aprilmaple]

Sweet, we can curse on this board! I wasn't sure. Yes, he is indeed being a lazy ass. He works hard at his job, but that's not all that matters. Uggghhhh.

That being said, I am not leaving him. I'm sincerely sorry if this ruffles any feathers, but I think that in some cases people give up on marriages too easily. I'm not saying people who divorce are bad BY ANY MEANS, sometimes it's just necessary, but I feel that in this situation things can be fixed.

But the only way it can be fixed is with some effort on his part.

I'm not saying I'm a saint in this relationship or anything. We both know how to push each other's buttons in an argument and we often do, which we know is not healthy, but we have bad tempers.

A lot of the time, he is perfectly fine. He brings money in to our house, he has a plan for his career and is working on it steadily, he supports me in mine even though it's taking me too god-awfully long to get it (my opinion, not his, although he probably thinks so too, but he doesn't say anything), and is generally emotionally supportive and a good man.

Just not lately.

Before we lived together, it would take him awhile to get his housework done. He would take care of his dishes eventually, like within the next day or 2 at the most, but when I want them done, I want them done that-fucking-day, not tomorrow. So, if left to his own devices, he would eventually get it done, but that's simply not good enough, you know? Not with something like doing the dishes, which honestly is the biggest housework issue I have with him. You can't just put them off, because then there are more dishes, then you put those off, and when you finally get around to doing the second set you put off, there are MORE to do...anyway.

We are not in counseling. I do feel like we need it, but the money is literally not there. It is nice to get an objective point of view from you guys though, and I do appreciate and listen to brutal honestly. Sometimes you just need it.

Oh, and interro, I am 24 and he is 25.

What I see in my husband (when he's not being an ass and I'm not completely pissed): A basically good guy - and he is, he is very generous to his friends and family and cares about them deeply, someone who knows and understands my values and point of views on the world, who wants more or less the same thing out of life that I do (kids, career, house, general success), who has lots in common with me.

He came to see me at work and we agreed to have a talk tonight. We both agree that there is a "crack" in our relationship and that cracks become bigger problems down the road. Tonight, we are having a talk. I'm writing down everything I'm pissed about too, so I don't leave anything out. I am a making-lists type of person.

Anyway guys, thanks for the input. I'll let y'all know how the big talk goes tonight, if you want.

[esdreturns]

Do you have insurance? Your insurance plan should cover some type of counseling. If not, sometimes you can be seen on a sliding scale based on income.

[imoan]

May 16, 2012 13:26:28 GMT -5 aprilmaple said:

but I think that in some cases people give up on marriages too easily.

And some people MARRY too easily. Which ends in the situation you're in right now.

He's not going to change. This is the person he is. He was on his best behavior at the start of the relationship and now he knows he doesn't need to be anymore. What you're getting now is your REAL husband.

[Deleted]

What's going to happy if he doesn't put the effort into fixing it?

FFS, this is a man who can't even put the effort into doing the damned dishes and waiting a few days to spend $16 bucks.

[BettyBookWorm]

May 16, 2012 13:38:03 GMT -5 @habbsies said:

FFS, this is a man who can't even put the effort into doing the damned dishes and waiting a few days to spend $16 bucks.

yeah, its pathetic that you have to ask him not to be an inconsiderate jerk with joint money.

Oh well, its your funeral-- April.

[picklepie09]

My husband is not a very emotional guy either but he has NEVER called me a bitch or a swear word during a fight. Its a respect thing. I think that he sounds like a childish lazy guy.
Its time to sit down and go over expectations. Then decide.

I say this because maybe he IS that clueless.

[beebeeeater]

I think it's naive to think that he is just going to change his ways. I definitely want to hear what he has to say during your big talk.

[tmonoxide]

Anybody who says nasty things to another person is NOT a good person. Period.

He cannot handle confrontation. there are a host of problems here and see about therapy --- try colleges and your local mental health association.

And I cannot fathom, nor would I tolerate, being called names during arguments. Nor should you.

There are low cost therapists available. They'll charge on a rolling fee basis.

you might also call your local hospital's crisis team -- tell them straight away that you are looking for referrals for marriage counselors; it's very likely that that person will have a list of them available.

I am divorced. In the entire time my marriage ws on the rocks -- about a year -- my then-H never ever once raised his voice to me or called me a nasty name. There were arguments a plenty when my marriage was heading south but never was I called a name.

[Deleted]

Listen to Habbs...

This guy cannot delay his own gratification at all. He needs to spend $16 NOW to the detriment of paying your bills on time. He doesn't want to do the dishes because he wants to play video games instead. He gets mad at you for nagging at him and asking him to do things because it might cause him to delay doing what he wants at that very moment.

This is a man who is selfish. This is not going to get better. He is going to keep pushing the limits of what you'll tolerate until he gets his life the way he wants it. And it will be only the way he wants it because he doesn't give a shit about what you want.

[aprilmaple]

I know it's not going to change overnight, but if I see effort, that is a step in the right direction.

I'll post tomorrow