Fwiw, $30-50 typically covers a couples' plates at a wedding.
That is interesting. Around here it is usually $50-$75 per plate so it is $100-$150 per couple
Ok well here's the thing. I live in a vhcol area. Per plate, it's around $100-150 for a wedding. For close friend I'm thinking $200 and $100 for the acquaintances. For showers I normally spend $30. I feel like I have to go to the cash shower because she came to my baby shower etc but I'm going to get her a gift.
Also I don't agree with the pay for your plate thing. The bride and groom choose whatever venue they want, I don't see why guests have to give more because the bride and groom chose a swankier hall, that's their own choice.
Also, maybe I'm old fashioned but I do think couples should have a registry even if they would prefer cash. You can always return the gifts (which is what I did).
I emailed one couple yesterday to see where they are registered and the bride wrote back "we are not registered anywhere because we want monetary gifts". Um, ok then.
Also I don't agree with the pay for your plate thing. The bride and groom choose whatever venue they want, I don't see why guests have to give more because the bride and groom chose a swankier hall, that's their own choice.
100% this. If random distant relative throws a $200 per person wedding but my best friend throws a $50 per person wedding, to hell if I'm giving distant relative a nicer gift! The expense of their wedding is their choice and absolutely not my responsibility to pay for.
I give $100 - $150 all in (shower AND wedding gift) for good friends.
Probably $75 - $100 for acquaintances.
I absolutely would NOT go to a cash shower. WTF. you don't want gifts? Then don't have a shower.
Also I don't agree with the pay for your plate thing. The bride and groom choose whatever venue they want, I don't see why guests have to give more because the bride and groom chose a swankier hall, that's their own choice.
Also, maybe I'm old fashioned but I do think couples should have a registry even if they would prefer cash. You can always return the gifts (which is what I did).
I emailed one couple yesterday to see where they are registered and the bride wrote back "we are not registered anywhere because we want monetary gifts". Um, ok then.
I'm 150% with you here.
"Pay for your plate" is one of the tackiest wedding conventions ever.
Also I don't agree with the pay for your plate thing. The bride and groom choose whatever venue they want, I don't see why guests have to give more because the bride and groom chose a swankier hall, that's their own choice.
Also, maybe I'm old fashioned but I do think couples should have a registry even if they would prefer cash. You can always return the gifts (which is what I did).
I emailed one couple yesterday to see where they are registered and the bride wrote back "we are not registered anywhere because we want monetary gifts". Um, ok then.
This kind of shit would prompt me to consider buying the ugliest crystal bowl I could find.
If you say, "We are not registered anywhere because we really have all the housewares we need and have room for," then I will probably give you cash. You can say these things without saying them.
I have never heard this pay for your plate thing mentioned anywhere but here or the nest. Is that really a common thing? I don't think I have ever been invited to a wedding without a registry either, aside from second marriages.
Close friends/family $100 shower gift and $200-$250 wedding gift. Non close friend/family - I'd decline the shower invite, and not send a gift, still a $100-$250 wedding gift. Wedding gifts are sometimes based on the venue for the second group though. Fancy reception at a hotel ballroom? $250. Cake and punch in the church basement? $100.
I have never heard this pay for your plate thing mentioned anywhere but here or the nest. Is that really a common thing? I don't think I have ever been invited to a wedding without a registry either, aside from second marriages.
In tackier circles in the NY area, yes. This was a big thing on the NNJ Knot board. Not everyone did it, but a large number did. How you know what your friend/family member/etc. spent on a wedding, I don't know (unless they tell you, I suppose, but that isn't great etiquette either).
I also know more than one person who has a mother who keeps a spreadsheet of what gifts were given to her son and what gifts she's given to her friend's kids, to keep the amounts equal (or judge if the friend's kid's wedding came first but the amounts didn't turn out to be equal).
Also I don't agree with the pay for your plate thing. The bride and groom choose whatever venue they want, I don't see why guests have to give more because the bride and groom chose a swankier hall, that's their own choice.
Also, maybe I'm old fashioned but I do think couples should have a registry even if they would prefer cash. You can always return the gifts (which is what I did).
I emailed one couple yesterday to see where they are registered and the bride wrote back "we are not registered anywhere because we want monetary gifts". Um, ok then.
This kind of shit would prompt me to consider buying the ugliest crystal bowl I could find.
If you say, "We are not registered anywhere because we really have all the housewares we need and have room for," then I will probably give you cash. You can say these things without saying them.
Is the cash shower a situation where you give the host a certain $$ amount and then they buy one large gift? I have seen that before and that doesn't seem strange to me. Or, is it a give $$ directly to the bride situation? That I would side eye.
I have never heard this pay for your plate thing mentioned anywhere but here or the nest. Is that really a common thing? I don't think I have ever been invited to a wedding without a registry either, aside from second marriages.
In tackier circles in the NY area, yes. This was a big thing on the NNJ Knot board. Not everyone did it, but a large number did. How you know what your friend/family member/etc. spent on a wedding, I don't know (unless they tell you, I suppose, but that isn't great etiquette either).
I also know more than one person who has a mother who keeps a spreadsheet of what gifts were given to her son and what gifts she's given to her friend's kids, to keep the amounts equal (or judge if the friend's kid's wedding came first but the amounts didn't turn out to be equal).
When we were opening our wedding envelopes, we wrote down the cash/check amounts in my wedding planning notebook so that we could total it all up at the end before we took it to the bank. I mentioned this to my mom in passing conversation ... she still calls me and asks how much Mr. and Mrs. So-and-So gave to us, so that she can give an equal amount to their kids.
My sister also asked me about covering her plate as well ... she went to a friend's wedding and called the hall to ask what they charge per plate, but she couldn't get a price quote so she asked if we had visited that hall when we were engaged.
To answer the OP's question, MH and I usually give a minimum of $200 at a wedding, more if we're closer to them. The most we ever gave was $500 when our Best Man got married. The least we gave was $100 (that was from me, then-BF/now-MH, and FIL) at his cousin's wedding when we were broke college students. For the bridal shower, I usually spend $30-100, depending on how close I am to the bride. We're in the NYC metro area.
An all-cash shower? Blech, how tacky. I'd be tempted to skip it.
I have never heard this pay for your plate thing mentioned anywhere but here or the nest. Is that really a common thing? I don't think I have ever been invited to a wedding without a registry either, aside from second marriages.
In tackier circles in the NY area, yes. This was a big thing on the NNJ Knot board. Not everyone did it, but a large number did. How you know what your friend/family member/etc. spent on a wedding, I don't know (unless they tell you, I suppose, but that isn't great etiquette either).
I also know more than one person who has a mother who keeps a spreadsheet of what gifts were given to her son and what gifts she's given to her friend's kids, to keep the amounts equal (or judge if the friend's kid's wedding came first but the amounts didn't turn out to be equal).
Huh. All the NY metro area weddings I have been to were in Manhattan or Connecticut. I guess it is possible everyone else was paying for their plate, but I don't think that was the case? The whole idea of a couple walking away from their wedding with tens of thousands in monetary gifts kind of blows my mind.
Most of the weddings I go to are Asian weddings and cash gifts are the norm. We gift $150-$200 min and usually more for family or close friends. I spend about $40-$50 on either shower gifts from the registry or lingerie since most of the showers I have been to are joint bachelorette parties.
In tackier circles in the NY area, yes. This was a big thing on the NNJ Knot board. Not everyone did it, but a large number did. How you know what your friend/family member/etc. spent on a wedding, I don't know (unless they tell you, I suppose, but that isn't great etiquette either).
I also know more than one person who has a mother who keeps a spreadsheet of what gifts were given to her son and what gifts she's given to her friend's kids, to keep the amounts equal (or judge if the friend's kid's wedding came first but the amounts didn't turn out to be equal).
Huh. All the NY metro area weddings I have been to were in Manhattan or Connecticut. I guess it is possible everyone else was paying for their plate, but I don't think that was the case? The whole idea of a couple walking away from their wedding with tens of thousands in monetary gifts kind of blows my mind.
I don't think everyone else would be paying for their plate, but I'd imagine at least some locals had the concept of paying for their plate in mind.
Our wedding was in NJ (and my husband's family is from Long Island), but as many of our guests were from outside the NY area as were from within the NY area. There was a definite divide in the gifts -- almost everyone from Long Island gave cash, and almost everyone not from Long Island gave physical gifts. The average amount spent by people from the NY area was definitely way higher than the average amount spent by people from elsewhere, without correlation to financial means. I think it is just more normal around here to spend a lot on wedding gifts. I have no idea who was trying to pay for their plate. I do know that my husband's friends have talked about it a lot (and how their mothers have told them that they should cover their plates at weddings), but they would have no idea how much our wedding cost. Maybe the concept is more that you should spend what you think the meal at the average place around here costs? I don't know how much thought goes into matching to the specific venue.
Is the cash shower a situation where you give the host a certain $$ amount and then they buy one large gift? I have seen that before and that doesn't seem strange to me. Or, is it a give $$ directly to the bride situation? That I would side eye.
The cash shower invite just came with a little card with a registry to carnival cruise lines. The couple has no other registry so I'm not sure what they are expecting at their shower- a print out of the registry page? I'm going to get a gift for that one regardless
Post by awkwardpenguin on Mar 31, 2015 10:23:31 GMT -5
I generally give a $50ish shower gift and $200 at weddings. I prefer to buy a gift off the registry, but sometimes give cash if it seems that's what the couple would prefer (implied, not stated directly).
Is the cash shower a situation where you give the host a certain $$ amount and then they buy one large gift? I have seen that before and that doesn't seem strange to me. Or, is it a give $$ directly to the bride situation? That I would side eye.
The cash shower invite just came with a little card with a registry to carnival cruise lines. The couple has no other registry so I'm not sure what they are expecting at their shower- a print out of the registry page? I'm going to get a gift for that one regardless
I have never heard this pay for your plate thing mentioned anywhere but here or the nest. Is that really a common thing? I don't think I have ever been invited to a wedding without a registry either, aside from second marriages.
I did not hear it in the Midwest where I grew up but it was all over when I moved to the east coast. Gross.
I have never heard this pay for your plate thing mentioned anywhere but here or the nest. Is that really a common thing? I don't think I have ever been invited to a wedding without a registry either, aside from second marriages.
I did not hear it in the Midwest where I grew up but it was all over when I moved to the east coast. Gross.
You're in DC, right? Is it a thing there? Close to half our wedding guests were from the DC area (my H's family is there and we lived there prior to our wedding), and they all gave us non-cash gifts, pretty much on par with the gifts we received from my Midwestern family and friends. I've been to lots of DC weddings, and never heard anyone mention the whole pay for your plate thing. But maybe people are doing it but just not talking about it?
I did not hear it in the Midwest where I grew up but it was all over when I moved to the east coast. Gross.
You're in DC, right? Is it a thing there? Close to half our wedding guests were from the DC area (my H's family is there and we lived there prior to our wedding), and they all gave us non-cash gifts, pretty much on par with the gifts we received from my Midwestern family and friends. I've been to lots of DC weddings, and never heard anyone mention the whole pay for your plate thing. But maybe people are doing it but just not talking about it?
I'm in DC area but many ppl here are transplants, so tons of NJ/NY peeps.
One example...I heard the concept for the first time when my coworker who was born and raised in NoVa mentioned it at lunch after she got engaged (I was fresh out of college.). I remember feeling "so Midwest" because everyone at the table totally bitched and moaned about ppl not covering their plates....it was soooo weird!
You're in DC, right? Is it a thing there? Close to half our wedding guests were from the DC area (my H's family is there and we lived there prior to our wedding), and they all gave us non-cash gifts, pretty much on par with the gifts we received from my Midwestern family and friends. I've been to lots of DC weddings, and never heard anyone mention the whole pay for your plate thing. But maybe people are doing it but just not talking about it?
I'm in DC area but many ppl here are transplants, so tons of NJ/NY peeps.
One example...I heard the concept for the first time when my coworker who was born and raised in NoVa mentioned it at lunch after she got engaged (I was fresh out of college.). I remember feeling "so Midwest" because everyone at the table totally bitched and moaned about ppl not covering their plates....it was soooo weird!
So interesting! I have attended a decent number of East Coast weddings (all NYC, CT, Boston, RI, and DC--none in NJ) and never directly encountered it. But I am assuming maybe there was some plate covering going on at some of the weddings I attended, and I was just oblivious to it because no one mentioned it. Maybe I will poll my East Coast friends and family.
I am 100% certain I have attended many weddings where the per person cost greatly exceeded the cost of the gift I gave.
If you say, "We are not registered anywhere because we really have all the housewares we need and have room for," then I will probably give you cash. You can say these things without saying them.
Lol. Yes! I would head straight to etsy though, and get something personalized. You know, to negate any possible resale value.
I'm in DC area but many ppl here are transplants, so tons of NJ/NY peeps.
One example...I heard the concept for the first time when my coworker who was born and raised in NoVa mentioned it at lunch after she got engaged (I was fresh out of college.). I remember feeling "so Midwest" because everyone at the table totally bitched and moaned about ppl not covering their plates....it was soooo weird!
So interesting! I have attended a decent number of East Coast weddings (all NYC, CT, Boston, RI, and DC--none in NJ) and never directly encountered it. But I am assuming maybe there was some plate covering going on at some of the weddings I attended, and I was just oblivious to it because no one mentioned it. Maybe I will poll my East Coast friends and family.
I am 100% certain I have attended many weddings where the per person cost greatly exceeded the cost of the gift I gave.
I get the impression that it is pretty centralized to the suburbs of New York City. But also, it depends on the crowd. I grew up in NJ and had never heard of the idea of paying for your plate until my husband's friends (from Long Island) talked about it, and it was mentioned frequently on the NNJ Knot board. My husband and I are also firmly split on wedding gifts -- I'd never, ever, ever give a friend cash as a wedding gift (and the vast majority of my friends and family gave gifts) while he thinks that's the only appropriate gift to give (and the majority of his friends and family gave cash). Your crowd may be more like my crowd than my husband's crowd
Tangent: I know so many people (and clearly some of the brides / grooms to be that are asking for JUST THE HARD CASH) "prefer" cash, but doesn't that take away some of the joy?
My MIL bought us a blender for our shower, and I think of her often when I use it - she's always sending me fun recipes to make in it - and one of H's relatives got us a fondue set which we will email them about / take pics of when using - and the lovely, fat, crystal candlesticks on our fireplace hearth are from my neighbor who used to babysit me growing up - I only see her every other year or so, but they remind me of how excited she was to find them on sale so she could afford to gift them to us.
I'm certainly grateful for all the folks who gave us cash, but the gifts mean a little more - to us - I suppose.
My sister also asked me about covering her plate as well ... she went to a friend's wedding and called the hall to ask what they charge per plate, but she couldn't get a price quote so she asked if we had visited that hall when we were engaged.
Really?? People really do this? While I don't agree with "covering your plate", at the same time, I always took it to mean a basic approximation.
Right now, my gift limit for weddings is about $50, but that is because of my budget constraints. And it's just me.
People who ask for cash... that's just tacky. If they wanted cash, they could have just saved themselves the money and eloped! I have several gifts from my wedding that I still use and love. Like my stand mixer from my XSIL (who I'm still friends with), the wood chest my uncle made me, or the quilt my Grandma made (which is going to DS since it is of me and his dad). I will remember those gifts. I don't remember who gave us what cash.
Tangent: I know so many people (and clearly some of the brides / grooms to be that are asking for JUST THE HARD CASH) "prefer" cash, but doesn't that take away some of the joy?
My MIL bought us a blender for our shower, and I think of her often when I use it - she's always sending me fun recipes to make in it - and one of H's relatives got us a fondue set which we will email them about / take pics of when using - and the lovely, fat, crystal candlesticks on our fireplace hearth are from my neighbor who used to babysit me growing up - I only see her every other year or so, but they remind me of how excited she was to find them on sale so she could afford to gift them to us.
I'm certainly grateful for all the folks who gave us cash, but the gifts mean a little more - to us - I suppose.
That's me as well -- I love using our gifts knowing who they were from (and we really wanted items on our registry, and in fact used cash we received as gifts to buy everything off our registry that we didn't get as gifts).
But I've also known people who were paying for their own weddings and were pretty cash-strapped around the time of their wedding, or who had a goal of putting wedding money towards a house or what-have-you. So I can see why they preferred cash.
That said, I like giving real gifts, and don't feel comfortable/right giving money as a gift, and I don't like when couples try to force me to give cash by not having a registry (We've been invited to two weddings where the couples did not have registries, and they were easily the least etiquette-conscious weddings we've been invited to. Maybe not a coincidence )