Post by heliocentric on Apr 15, 2015 15:44:00 GMT -5
We gave it a lot of thought and couldn't decide, so we kept saying "we're happy with how things are now, let's continue and revisit again in the future." At some point it became "now or never" and we realized that in all those years the urge was never really there so that was probably a sign. We realized neither of us ever really had the urge, we just afraid of what would happen if we didn't have kids. It was particularly bad for me because I overthink everything.
I'm about to turn 43 and so that ship had pretty much sailed. I do miss the idea of having adult kids, but there really is nothing about non-adult kids that appeals to me that I can't satisfy by spending some time with other people's children.
It also helped to talk to some female friends who are in their 50s and have zero regrets about being childfree. You hear so much about how you'll regret the decision so it was nice to hear that's not a given.
I do worry about growing old without children to look out for me. Since being CF is much more common now I hope that by the time I'm really old society has a better system in place to help people like us. Or at least I tell myself that to feel better.
Just wanted to thank you for posting and to say I feel the exact same way as the other "unsure" ladies in this post. It's actually refreshing to hear I am not alone with my feelings! I'm worried that if I'll regret it if I do, or regret it if I don't. I am the most indecisive person ever and never want to regret anything!
DH was leaning toward no, and when we talked a few weeks ago we sort of decided on no kids, basically because neither one of us had pulled the trigger in 10 years of marriage. I think that decision gave DH a lot of relief, but I actually felt extreme anxiety, and have been kind of depressed since then. I don't know if that's because it's not the decision I wanted and I finally realized it, or if I would have reacted that way as well if we decided yes to kids.
It's so hard. I am almost 36 and I feel like time is ticking, but I don't know that I'll ever be at peace with either decision.
The series finale of Parks and Recreation actually had a really interesting piece of advice on making a decision where you don't know if you'll regret the outcome or regret not taking a chance on something new. Spend a full day assuming you go with choice one, then spend a full day assuming you go with choice two, and then compare how you felt on each of those days.
I have no idea if the advice works, but would love to hear if someone tries it.
Post by RoxMonster on Apr 15, 2015 20:48:31 GMT -5
Thank you for posting this and I have truly enjoyed reading these responses over the last few days. I think this is a topic that more people need to talk about openly and respectfully. I know I feel weird sometimes IRL discussing our choice to be child-free because so many people out there still look down on that decision or find it weird. I like being able to speak openly here.
It's been brought up in this post and one of the things H and I struggled with at first was the idea of: Will I feel like I'm missing out on something by not having kids? Do people who choose to not have children miss out on something awesome?
This is the way I approach that question and it helped me be at peace with our decision.
Maybe. But can't that be said for really any other decision in life, big or small? Maybe I think that people who aren't teachers are missing out because I think it's one of the most fulfilling professions out there and you can change a child's life for the positive. Maybe I think people who aren't dog owners are missing out because adopting our pet was fulfilling for us and filled me with a sense of unconditional love and purpose I hadn't had before. Maybe I think people who don't want to or value travel are missing out because it can open your eyes to new experiences and who wouldn't want that?
But the thing is not everyone WANTS to be a teacher. Not everyone WANTS to have a dog. Not everyone WANTS to or prioritizes travel. So yes, I could say they are missing out on things I get to experience that are cool and awesome and wonderful because I chose that path for my life. Just as I know I will miss out on cool, awesome, wonderful things that parents get to experience. But that's OK. I don't WANT to be a parent.
I think we are often times so scared of missing out on things in life that we feel pressured to make decisions we may not truly want to make. I guess I'm just saying that I feel OK and totally content with missing out on things parents get to experience because I have also chosen many unique paths in my life that give me experiences others will miss out on, too.
I'm still wrestling with yes or no for a third, which strangely has much of the same thought processes behind it.
There's no right or wrong answer, you just do what feels like what you want to do and know that objectively, having children never wins a pro/con list.
Post by anonymoose on Jun 30, 2015 19:48:56 GMT -5
Reading this thread has been really reassuring for me, especially hearing from people who are CFBC. I have no CFBC friends in the real world. Even all the fence sitters have taken the plunge at this point.
My reasons for having kids would be the same as the ones you initially listed: old age, holidays, grandkids. And a significant fear of regret. But I don't think any of those are actually good reasons to have kids. Having kids seems hard enough that you should want it really really bad, to make all the sacrifices worth it.
I am 95% CFBC, but every so often I get anxious that I'm making the wrong decision, that if everyone else is doing it, it must be the right thing and I will miss out on this awesome secret society of parenthood.
What I really want is to adopt some grandkids, like some kids who don't have any living grandparents, and I will bake cookies with them.
Post by dutchgirl678 on Jul 1, 2015 4:31:06 GMT -5
You have babysat my kids countless times . I know you will make a great mom. But I do get your hesitation and I have friends on both sides of the debate. There is nothing wrong with choosing to not have kids.
For us, I always knew I wanted them. I didn't meet my now-H until I was 29. We wanted to be married for a few years before we had kids so I was almost 34 when I had DD and 37 with DS. And yes it is hard work and creates a lot of stress but you also get a lot of happiness in return. As soon as that baby is born there is a bond that is unconditional. Feel free to message me.