Post by sofamonkey on Apr 21, 2015 22:34:18 GMT -5
I realize that I am just on a liking spree in here with no real contribution. Sorry, that's lame.
Que? I am really sorry you are dealing with this. We have been dealing with this sort of stuff for years. It nearly ruined our marriage. :/ DH has been dealing with this for a long time. He went to al-anon to deal with the aftermath of his dad's drinking. The unexpected part was when he kind of realized that his mom was a completely self-centered, absentee parent. A few examples: 1) she was a SAHM but whenever she needed to go to his schoool for anything (volunteer of picking him up), she would be hours late. AND he got in trouble for walking home instead of waiting hours for her. 2) She sponged off him. Through the divorce (he worked all through HS to help pay the rent/bills), when he put himself through college on Pell grants & work, he still sent her money, AFTER he graduated, she moved in with him for years. She just wouldn't make it on her own. Finally, after he moved 4 states away, his best friend finally showed him that he just could NOT continue to financially support her. She balked HARD at that. I could go on & on.
He started counseling and that helped. He found someone that deals specifically with people in this type of situation. It is a HARD road, but it is totally worth it. This is just such a deeply emotional thing. Who the hell wants to admit that your mother, the person that is supposed to love & protect you the most would just be so enormously shitty & callous? Nobody. It's harsh.
Thanks to everyone that shared. Esp. 11d - that gave us more to think about. Why do I want to pursue a relationship with this person & my kids? DH doesn't want them to feel ignored, but they already feel like that the few times a year we see MIL. What will the kids think of this when they are older? So much to consider.
HUGE hugs to everyone going through this. It is so emotional and just so fucking draining! Thanks for talking about it though, that helps. <3
Post by BunnyMacDougal on Apr 21, 2015 22:38:04 GMT -5
Aw This would not be fun.
My advice is to treasure the treasures and keep avoiding the rest. I think its ok to share with G that her grandmother did good things (albeit they seem to all be in the way past) and can give her precious gifts (related to those things).
It doesn't mean you have to also feel guilty for refusing to expose her to the ugly things. That wedding stuff is no bueno. I have lots of experience with shielding my kid from that kind of stuff. My own mom, my SIL. Sometimes I have to kind of explain in kiddo terms about the face time they get. Its not easy. My SIL will definitely send MIL to buy an expensive and thoughtful gift and attach her name to it. We were just going through a bunch of her baptism stuff. A gorgeous bracelet and a card. "From Aunt M". It was just this type. I just focused on how nice a gift that was and how special....and glossed superficially over the "we never see Aunt M" stuff. Something like, yes we don't, but that's ok. She was part of your baptism and that's an important thing!
Sometimes I've had to tell more. And maybe you will too. Maybe people are way better at this than I have been. (If so...shout out!) I've had to tell Cecile stuff like, "You know how Nan and Grammy call and ask for you or call Mommy and ask if they can visit with you? You know how your friends' mommies call and ask if you can play?" "Well, your Aunt M does not do that. Mommy used to call Aunt M and ask for your cousins (her kids) but Aunt M didn't really let us have the same thing we have with Mrs. G (or whomever). Mommy wishes it wasn't this way sometimes, but it is. And we probably won't change it. But we can remember that this (one gesture) is nice." She seems to know what I mean.
How does it make your h feel to see his mom act so lovingly towards G? That's the hardest part for me.
My mom was a horrible parent. Verbally, physically, emotionally abusive. Cruel and unkind. I also remember being so worried about my little brother when i left for college. He basically lived at a friend's house from 14-graduation. I tried to blame the stress of being a single parent on her inability to be loving, but I have virtually zero memories of her actually being warm and fuzzy even when my parents were together. The rest of her family was the opposite.
As I got older, I learned that my grandfather (her dad) was a cold, tough father as well. Except he was an incredible grandfather.
My mom is not the same person now. She adores my kids and my brother's kids. She has never even raised her voice to them or done anything other than be a fun happy person (as awkwardly as she does that, since she also seems to be on the spectrum with a lot of her behaviors) for them to be around. It's hard for me to see because I have a lot of residual anger towards her and seeing her like that with my kids makes me furious that she wasn't that way with me.
I don't have advice, just hugs @que?. Shitty parents are hard, especially so when you add grand kids to the mix.
I could tell you basically the same story about my own family. Alcoholic dad from an alcoholic family, and my mom is just passive and quiet and lets him be an ass all the time.
They saw my kids for the first time in 3 years last weekend. They were nice to the kids and told some stories about my childhood.
But I am very much keeping strong boundaries with them and they will never be left alone with my kids. Nope.
I'm sorry. It sucks that so many people can relate in this post. It is so awesome what you did for your BIL, and I am so happy you have support of your family too.
Ugh, this must be so stressful for you since you're just waiting for the "old" MIL to come back. I feel bad for your H too who must have really confused feelings about it.