I found it interesting, especially with story with experiences from real readers. I can totally get it, especially in cases of domestic violence. I'm not too sure how I feel about it for every break up though.
Exes Explain Ghosting, the Ultimate Silent Treatment
It was not long ago that Sean Penn and Charlize Theron were a happy couple: appearing together at fashion shows and film festivals, hugging on the beach. Recently, though, it was reported that Ms. Theron had stopped responding to Mr. Penn’s calls and text messages. She was “ghosting” him.
What’s Ghosting?
Ghost, a word more commonly associated with Casper, the boy who saw dead people and a 1990 movie starring Demi Moore and Patrick Swayze, has also come to be used as a verb that refers to ending a romantic relationship by cutting off all contact and ignoring the former partner’s attempts to reach out.
Who’s Doing It?
The term has already entered the polling lexicon: In October 2014, a YouGov/Huffington Post poll of 1,000 adults showed that 11 percent of Americans had “ghosted” someone. A more informal survey from Elle magazine that polled 185 people found that about 16.7 percent of men and 24.2 percent of women had been ghosts at some point in their lives.
Victims of Ghosting Speak
Justine Bylo, 26, an independent account manager in publishing, has felt what this is like firsthand. She once invited a man she had been dating casually for about eight months to a wedding. As the day approached, he stopped responding to Ms. Bylo’s text messages, and she ended up attending the wedding alone. A few weeks ago, she found out that he had been dating another woman at the time.
“It happens to me so often that I’ve come to expect it,” Ms. Bylo said. “People don’t hold themselves accountable anymore because they can hide behind their phones.”
Elena Scotti, 27, a senior photo editor and illustrator at Fusion, the media company, has also been a victim of ghosting. She once flew to Chicago to attend Lollapalooza and spend time with a man she had fallen for while studying abroad. “We were inseparable,” Ms. Scotti said. “I was talking to him every day and sleeping in the same bed with him for six months.”
After the one date in Chicago: crickets. “He fell off the face of the planet,” said Ms. Scotti, who didn’t see him again until he moved into her building in Brooklyn with his girlfriend three years later. The silent treatment continued, Ms. Scotti’s former flame ignoring her even as they passed each other in the hallway.
In a less dramatic but similarly confounding fashion, Aaron Leth, 29, a fashion editor, found his texts unanswered when a man he had been dating for a month disappeared after he and Mr. Leth had bought the ingredients for a dinner they planned to cook later that evening. “He went home to take a nap and said, ‘I’ll call you,’ ” Mr. Leth said. “I’m still waiting, two years later.”
But Wait. Let the Ghosts Explain Themselves.
Many of those who have ghosted are contrite, citing their own fear, insecurity and immaturity. Jenny Mollen, 36, an actress, avid Twitter user and the author of “I Like You Just the Way I Am,” a collection of essays, had been dating a man for three months when she told him her grandmother died, and froze him out of her life.
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Continue reading the main story Her grandmother had died — months earlier. “He came to my house one night banging on my door, and I pretended I wasn’t there,” Ms. Mollen said. “I didn’t know how else to extricate from relationships. It was me being young and not knowing how to disappoint.” She theorized that people who fade away do so out of a desperate need to be loved, even after a breakup. “If you disappear completely, you never have to deal with knowing someone is mad at you and being the bad guy,” she said.
Joe Stahl, 25, a shopper for Instacart, a grocery-delivery service, had been with his former boyfriend for nearly a year when a painful argument erupted between them. “I knew that there were things that I couldn’t fix about myself that were making him angry,” Mr. Stahl said. “I felt like I was powerless and ashamed that I couldn’t be this person I wanted to be for him, which is why I deserted.”
Mr. Stahl had already been contemplating a move from New York City to Boston, and the fight spurred him to finally leave. He cut off contact, blocking his former boyfriend on his phone and unfollowing him on social media.
Peak Oiler June 28, 2015 I have welcomed the "block caller" feature on my phone, but I use it for pesky marketers. To do this to a lover shows us how inhuman our... ann imaldefense June 28, 2015 I ghosted my last relationship. His behavior was toxic and for my own sanity, I had to cut off all contact. Some call it ghosting, some call... WastingTime June 28, 2015 I am guilty of ghosting friends. I didn't know it had a name. But it is better, in my view, to just walk away silently than to have "those...
Whether this behavior has become more predominant with the advent of technology is debatable, but perhaps now it stings more, since there are so many ways to see your beloved interacting with other people while ignoring you. The rise of apps like Tinder and Grindr, and the impression they give that there is always someone else — literally — around the corner, is certainly empowering to ghosts.
Anna Sale, 34, the host and managing editor of the WNYC podcast “Death, Sex & Money,” believes that social media enables the avoidance of difficult conversations. “As people have gotten less and less comfortable talking face to face about hard things, it’s become easier to move on, let time pass and forget to tell the person you’re breaking up with them,” she said.
Kate Eberstadt, 23, a multidisciplinary artist who admits to ghosting more times than she can count, can testify to this kind of avoidance. She recalled meeting a man while with a group of friends, exploring art galleries together and spending an entire night talking to him when he showed up at the bar where she worked. He later asked her out to dinner.
“I couldn’t bring myself to respond,” Ms. Eberstadt wrote in an email from Germany. “I was not emotionally available. I could have explained this to him, but did not want to for fear of coming off, and potentially being written off, as overly complicated.”
And Brian Allen, 24, an associate analyst for a consulting firm, who has gone silent a few times but never after more than a couple of dates, also praised the crisp simplicity of ghosting. “They’ve all been quite effective in their purpose,” he said of his endings.
Indeed even Ms. Bylo, the account manager ghosted before a friend’s wedding, admits that she has given the fade-out a few times to men she connected with online and planned to meet in person. In one instance she discovered, via Google, that she did not share many of a prospect’s religious and political beliefs. “I made an excuse not to go on the date and then stopped responding,” she said. “I didn’t know how to deal with it, and it was an easy way out.”
But while ghosting may be more and more socially permissible, Ms. Sale believes a long-term relationship, even a celebrity one, requires certain standards of decorum. “If you go on more than three dates, you’ve indicated you’re interested,” she said. “To disappear after that is confusing.” She added, aptly, “Breakups can haunt you.”
I have also done it and had it done to me. I dated someone for 6 years and we just got tired of each other. We didn't argue or anything, just we were done. I moved to NYC, he lived in L.A. and we just stopped speaking. There just wasn't anything either of us wanted to say.
I'm not proud to admit that I've done this, in my college and immediately post-college days. I was terrible about rejecting guys - I didn't want to hurt their feelings but I was afraid of confrontation so I would just stop returning their calls or texts (back then we called them SMSes anyone else remember that??). Fortunately this was mainly pre-social media so I didn't have to worry about being found out on there.
I guess so. My ex-BFF got angry about something and stopped returning my calls. I didn't even know she was mad at me! I finally got ahold of her about a month later and she handed the phone to her boyfriend to explain. Never heard from her again. Brutal, man.
BUT that was BEFORE texting was a thing. Maybe it existed, but no one did it. In my day, you had to have caller ID and/or an answering machine to "ghost" someone.
Post by jillboston on Jul 18, 2015 17:06:10 GMT -5
I have been and it was really painful. You end up internalizing it and second guess yourself in all your relationships going forward. I have a question for the ghosters. I get that it can be awkward to have a face to face confrontation -but what's wrong with a simple email or voicemail ending the relationship? "sorry things aren't working out" etc.
"This prick is asking for someone here to bring him to task Somebody give me some dirt on this vacuous mass so we can at last unmask him I'll pull the trigger on it, someone load the gun and cock it While we were all watching, he got Washington in his pocket."
Never been hosted from a real relationship. I have broken up via email and I like to think I would nut do it again but I cannot be sure. I hate confrontation but I think limbo is worse.
I was ghosted by my ex BFF. She was my best friend for 10 years, my maid of honor. We talked every day, I spent Christmases with her family. She just stopped responding to all phone calls/texts /emails. Not just me but everyone in our group of 4 good friends. We knew she was ok because this was Facebook age so we could see her doing stuff with other people, just completely avoiding/ignoring us.
It's been 7 years and I still feel like crap about it and have no idea what happened. It's a really immature and crappy way of handling relationships.
i didn't know it had an actual name... and yea, I agree that cutting off somebody cold turkey without an explanation is pretty shitty. If you've had a break up & done the sobbing/goodbyes, etc but then the person is still calling/texting, i'm more understanding of the ignoring.
I was ghosted by a college hookup, he blocked me on AIM. I was also ghosted by a close college friend, she rsvp'ed yes to my wedding and didn't show up. Never heard from her again. I have never ghosted anyone.
Post by Velar Fricative on Jul 18, 2015 19:46:31 GMT -5
Never had it done to me romantically, nor did I do it to anyone else, but I don't have much dating experience so there's that....
I think it's shitty to do given the examples in the OP when a relationship goes well beyond a few dates. In the early stages of dating, meh.
This happened between me and an ex-BFF but we kinda ghosted each other. I got annoyed at her lack of communication so I stopped reached out. In friendships, I guess ghosting can mean when a friendship just fizzles out too? Or is it more deliberate? I don't know.
I have been and it was really painful. You end up internalizing it and second guess yourself in all your relationships going forward. I have a question for the ghosters. I get that it can be awkward to have a face to face confrontation -but what's wrong with a simple email or voicemail ending the relationship? "sorry things aren't working out" etc.
This is the adult way to handle things. I am sorry to say that I was handling things back then in a very immature "if I don't say anything it will just go away" kind of way. It's really shitty and I am ashamed of it now.
Yes, once by a serious boyfriend I had been with for eight months. It was really traumatic and I'm really not proud of how I acted in the aftermath. Fuck that dude.
And once by a very good friend. Decades later I still have no idea why she did it. I even was at the same party as her years afterwards and she didn't make eye contact with me. Bitch.
Post by peachdragon on Jul 19, 2015 19:17:29 GMT -5
I have never done it, and have never had it happen to me with any serious relationship. However, the guy with whom I was FWB for at least a year went to his home country and got married. I didn't know until he had returned (he would send for his bride later).
I was semi ghosted--I saw a very good friend one week without incident, had a baby the next week, and she never called. I had a really rough recovery and she never called, messaged, anything. I was too hurt to contact her to see what the situation was, because if you can't call me during one of the best/hardest periods of my life, fuck you.
I'm still upset and was livid in December when she sent me a Christmas card.
I was ghosted by my ex BFF. She was my best friend for 10 years, my maid of honor. We talked every day, I spent Christmases with her family. She just stopped responding to all phone calls/texts /emails. Not just me but everyone in our group of 4 good friends. We knew she was ok because this was Facebook age so we could see her doing stuff with other people, just completely avoiding/ignoring us.
It's been 7 years and I still feel like crap about it and have no idea what happened. It's a really immature and crappy way of handling relationships.
This happened to me as well. A really good friend dropped off the earth after I had my first child.
I dont miss her at all now, but it really sucked at the time.
I've had it done to me by a couple of guys and by a former friend. The friend upset me way more than the guys. After a 10+ year friendship, I felt that I was at least owed some kind of explanation as to what I had done to make her not want to be friends anymore.
I haven't done it to anyone, but I have broken up with someone by text.
I have to former colleagues. Once I leave a place, I usually don't maintain those relationships. They usually are work only and just kind of end at job's end. Maybe that's normal and not ghosting?
I was ghosted by my ex BFF. She was my best friend for 10 years, my maid of honor. We talked every day, I spent Christmases with her family. She just stopped responding to all phone calls/texts /emails. Not just me but everyone in our group of 4 good friends. We knew she was ok because this was Facebook age so we could see her doing stuff with other people, just completely avoiding/ignoring us.
It's been 7 years and I still feel like crap about it and have no idea what happened. It's a really immature and crappy way of handling relationships.
Ditto - MOH, best friend. I last talked to her a week after I told her I was expecting my first. He is now 6. I saw her mom a year ago and I smiled at her while she gave me a terrible look. Clearly I must have done something, no clue what. The whole experience has been incredibly painful.
Post by litebright on Jul 19, 2015 22:03:19 GMT -5
I had it done to me once, in a high school dating relationship. I guess I assumed that it happened because the dude was, well, in high school and immature. It really sucked to be in limbo, wondering if I should start moving on or if I could be accused of cheating if we'd never actually broke up; if I was still his girlfriend if he hadn't ever broken up with me; etc.
Ultimately, it ended up being a good lesson to teenage-me that I get to define my own relationships with people every bit as much as they get to define theirs with me, and I didn't need someone's permission or even acknowledgement to end a relationship, particularly if they're being so shitty and disrespectful as to simply drop out of a relationship. And it sure as hell made me realize how much handling things that way hurt, and that an actual break-up, as crappy as they can be, was way better. So it had lasting influence on how I handled my own break-ups.
I did it to a boyfriend once. This was way before social media but he kept showing up unannounced at my work and just became a general creeper. I just stopped returning his calls.
I had a group of friends do it to me when I had my son. Most of them did not want to have kids so they just stopped returning my calls. That one hurt bad and now I feel bad about ghosting my ex. I was young and dumb and should have just talked to him.
Post by Queen Mamadala on Jul 19, 2015 22:31:26 GMT -5
Not to an actual significant other or someone I was dating, but I have done it to people I was just getting to know, maybe had a couple dates with, didn't feel the chemistry and that was that. I have had it done to me by a former SO. Yeah, it sucked at the time.
Post by MixedBerryJam on Jul 20, 2015 7:09:33 GMT -5
I don't know if what I did was ghosting. This was years ago, well before texting. I had dated a guy for over a year, and eventually broke up with him because of his controlling and manipulative ways, but it fell well short of abuse. He actually wouldn't "accept" that we'd broken up, and wanted to meet and talk about it, blah blah blah. I was fully done.
After he came knocking on my door one too many times I moved without informing him. I got letters from him at work once a year or so, and always ignored. When my photo and married name was in the newspaper recently (within the last six months or so) he found my phone number and called me out of the blue. I was polite but the next day sent him an email saying please don't contact me again.