I've never in my life been this stressed out. I was crying the other night just thinking about it. We were in bed at the time and after his heavy sighs and telling me to relax and just stop crying I moved to the couch. He followed me after a few minutes with Unisom in his hand and told me to just sleep and we would figure it out.
I've been trying to figure it out and he would rather give me a sleeping pill and have me pass out than have to discuss it or listen to me again.
he is acting like a douche..... like for serious....
Post by shostakovich on Aug 31, 2015 14:20:49 GMT -5
If this is a big shift in attitude/personality for him, and especially since it sounds like he's only changed since he had his accident, I think he needs to see a physician.
I've never in my life been this stressed out. I was crying the other night just thinking about it. We were in bed at the time and after his heavy sighs and telling me to relax and just stop crying I moved to the couch. He followed me after a few minutes with Unisom in his hand and told me to just sleep and we would figure it out.
I've been trying to figure it out and he would rather give me a sleeping pill and have me pass out than have to discuss it or listen to me again.
Wut? I would have thrown that shit across the room. WTF.
No. No, dude. No to all of it. It's not fair that I'm sitting at my desk right now entering customer records instead of at home in pajamas watching TV, but oh well. Welcome to being an adult.
Post by sapphireblue on Aug 31, 2015 14:48:13 GMT -5
I really feel for you. I had a lot of financial pressures during my marriage, it definitely kept me up at night.
My exH was sort of like yours in that no matter how much I talked to him about our situation, specific bills, what was due when, what $$ we had coming in, it just didn't seem to sink in. I'd come home from work and he would have bought himself a new bass guitar because it was such an amazing deal on eBay! It was crazy-making for me.
Look, my exH wasn't a bad guy but he was terrible with money. He has been diagnosed with ADHD and I think that played into his behavior. Whatever the reasons, it was so so hard to live with. So I guess I have no helpful advice but I can really sympathize with your situation.
Is there any chance he could reasonably think you're overreacting? How much is left in savings- a month's worth? 3 months worth? More? How much does your income cover? Are you unable to pay your mortgage and utilities without dipping into savings, or did you just have to quit funding your 401(k) and defer your student loan payments? If work has never been an issue before, is there any reason to think he won't have another job in a few weeks?
There's a version of the world in which I don't think he's a douche. There's also a version of the world in which I think he's a total asshole. And I need more info to decide which this is.
Has he had issues with depression in the past? I wonder if the not contributing and not working is creating a vicious cycle for him where he's just too down to care?
Is there any chance he could reasonably think you're overreacting? How much is left in savings- a month's worth? 3 months worth? More? How much does your income cover? Are you unable to pay your mortgage and utilities without dipping into savings, or did you just have to quit funding your 401(k) and defer your student loan payments? If work has never been an issue before, is there any reason to think he won't have another job in a few weeks?
There's a version of the world in which I don't think he's a douche. There's also a version of the world in which I think he's a total asshole. And I need more info to decide which this is.
My income can still pay our mortgage and some of the monthly expenses when it's budgeted properly, but I have to use savings to pay regular monthly bills.
As far as savings goes, it will be drained by the end of the year if we keep going the way we're going.
The problem with his work is that he gets a partial payment when he starts a project, but typically doesn't get the rest until he completes it which takes weeks.
Have you two ever dealt with a stressful situation like this before, and if so did he pull the same attitude? Like, is this specific to financial shit or is he a dick in general with stressors?
I personally have never felt this kind of stress to our relationship before.
In addition to what Sue Sue is saying and you aren't answering is have you sat him down with numbers and statements and a budget vs. spending? Saying he has access and sees you moving around money, and knows you are stressed is not making him face the honest truth of your situation.
I've only read this thread so I don't know all your back story but this is what I would do in this situation if my husband was not listening/paying attention to our finances.
To avoid a financial ruin mess I consider moving money around. How is your DH spending money if you don't have it? Is it all on credit cards? Cash? If it's CC I would get your name off the CC if it's joint accounts or I would just call the CC company and cancel them all together. If it's cash he's spending that you don't have I would take all that money and direct it to another account. I would open up a personal account if need be. I would then direct my income into the new bank account. I would have all the bills being paid come from that account.
I would do everything in my power to avoid a financial ruin on myself. If he can't wake up and see what you are trying to tell him then I would NOT let someone take me down with them.
Then the second thing I would address is my DH employment. Again I don't know the back story, But it sounds like the self employed job isn't cutting it. I don't care if one of us has to go flip burgers to make additional money but something needs to be done. Why not start a conversation around changing jobs and looking for work with a company that pays on a normal time frame?
Financial stress can be the pits. Take a deep breath and write out an action plan of what you think you want to do. Good luck!
Post by rachel6789 on Sept 1, 2015 11:16:23 GMT -5
No, together we have never faced a stressful situation before so I cannot tell you whether or not this is his normal response or if it's a sign of depression, etc.
I am going to work on a spreadsheet to show him what's coming in vs. what's going out to try to get him to understand this one last time.
I do have a separate checking account that I've had since we were dating. Part of my check gets deposited into that account, but it might be a good idea to send all of it there until things get straightened out.
As far as what money he is spending, it's a combination of credit cards and cash from our checking account.
I know he will continue to get work, he just started another job this week, but after seeing how easy it is to get behind it might be worth talking to him about pursuing something else whether it's part time or instead of what he's doing now. He makes good money when he is consistently working but we have now seen that if he is physically hurt, he's out of commission.
I don't know. I don't want this hardship to bring both of us down, but I also don't like feeling like I'm running the household and failing at that. I need his help.
Once you get on your feet, I'd look into Short and Long Term disability policies for you both.
You're in this together. And you're not failing. Your income doesn't cover expenses. It is what it is and he needs to understand that. No one likes to cut fun money but sometimes you have to buck up and be an adult.
I think I'd start treating him like a child. Take away his cards and give him an allowance for the week. You shorted the household $175? That comes out of your allowance.