My daughter starts full-time preschool next week, and we are all prepared. Her California grandma sent her a new backpack festooned with flowers and embroidered with her name. We bought sunflower-seed butter for her school lunches, because peanut butter is now banned so that no allergic child has to break out his EpiPen. And we also scrambled to find a week of afternoon child care, because even though this is a program with an extended day that lasts until 6, during the first week, school ends at noon.
The school's impulse isn't bad. Ostensibly this is so the kids can have a gradual acclimation to their new surroundings. But for a family with two working parents, like ours, this is a nightmare scenario. And what's especially frustrating is we sent our daughter here in the first place because it was the neighborhood school most friendly to working parents. The other nearby schools either had half-day schedules or were just two hours a day, three days a week.
Related NPR Stories I know about all the other schools and their schedules because just getting your kid into a preschool — there's no public option for 3-year-olds — is a time-consuming undertaking. We had to fill out applications a year in advance, when our girl was not yet 2. One of the applications asked, "What are your child's educational goals?" I remember looking over at my pre-verbal toddler while she climbed in and out of an empty diaper box. I thought, her educational goals are ... learning how to count? Figuring out how a potty works? Differential calculus? I was so annoyed by the absurdity of that question — and how phony any of my answers would be — I didn't even finish the application.
During this process, we learned that there was such a thing as preschool legacy. You see, my husband had gone to a popular preschool in the neighborhood, so we got a special tour and an interview there. I was prepared to hate the school. It was the most expensive of the bunch, and it had the most inconvenient hours. But as we toured, I realized it was a gorgeous, happy place, with a lovely rooftop playground and devoted teachers.
Liking the school made me feel guilty and irritated. I'm well aware that there are huge economic disparities in American children's access to education. But being confronted with my kid's privilege was bracing. I wasn't used to grappling so directly with the special access we get in so many parts of our lives. All kids should be able to go to places like this.
After we decided on the right school for us, we were informed that we must provide snacks for the whole class on a rotating basis. They sent a list of acceptable snacks, which included fresh fruits and vegetables, no-sugar cereal, and they name-checked Cheddar Bunnies — the upscale version of Goldfish crackers — specifically. When I got the list I had a mental image of myself running to the supermarket at 9 on a work night, because I had forgotten about snack week on top of all the other picayune details of my daughter's schedule of play dates and doctor's appointments and birthday parties.
Certainly an extra supermarket trip for Cheddar Bunnies is not a big deal in the scheme of things. But I know that this is only the beginning of more than a decade of increasing obligation: of pressure to join the PTA and to become the class parent and to bake cookies and to raise money, even at public schools.
Books like Brigid Schulte's Overwhelmed and Jennifer Senior's All Joy and No Fun have cataloged how much time the modern, working parent now spends on parenting. Mothers, in particular, bear the brunt of this time suck. Schulte notes that working moms now spend as much time taking care of their kids as stay-at-home moms did in the '60s: 11 hours a week, compared with seven hours a week for working dads.
Somehow, as the proportion of working mothers and single mothers has increased, the institutions their children attend behave more and more like there's a stay-at-home parent around to pick up the slack. These hours ratcheted up over the past couple of decades. My parents, who both worked full time, can count on one hand the number of obligations they had at our public schools in the '80s and '90s, and nearly all those obligations were after business hours. Somehow, as the proportion of working mothers and single mothers has increased, the institutions their children attend behave more and more like there's a stay-at-home parent around to pick up the slack.
Here, I should note that I couldn't be luckier or more privileged — to the point where it feels pretty churlish to complain. I have a husband who shares child care equally, we're financially able to afford private preschool and our daughter got into a wonderful one that we're (mostly) thrilled with. After some negotiations, my parents are able to pick up my daughter from preschool during that first week of half-days. If, for whatever reason, my parents couldn't baby-sit, I would have found a way to work from home those afternoons without losing my job. The kid would have survived being parked in front of Peppa Pig for a few hours while I tried to work.
If I were a single parent, or a parent with an inflexible or low-paying job, or a parent without her own parents nearby, I'd be in big trouble. According to Childcare Aware of America, almost 30 percent of parents polled in 2014 experienced some kind of child care breakdown in the past three months. Those breakdowns are especially difficult for families already paying dearly for care: Full-time care for very young children can cost about half a year's salary for a family of three living at the poverty line.
I do think there's some cultural pushback against all this time and energy expended by working parents, and the workplaces that leave no room for families. But it's going to take a while to dismantle the framework that's been a couple of decades in the making. I would love to just drop my kid off at preschool at 8:30 on Day 1 and pick her up at 6, but the school won't let me. For now, I guess the only option is to be grateful that I can make it work for my own small family in this moment. Until we have another child, and all hell breaks loose.
Jessica Grose is the editor-in-chief of Lenny, an email newsletter from Lena Dunham and Jenni Konner. She was formerly on staff at Slate and Jezebel and is the author of two novels, Sad Desk Salad and The Closest Marriage, which will be published in 2016.
Somehow, as the proportion of working mothers and single mothers has increased, the institutions their children attend behave more and more like there's a stay-at-home parent around to pick up the slack.
I have said a thousand times that my kids' elementary school would fall apart if it weren't for the parent volunteers. The level of reliance upon those parents is utterly astounding to me. Granted it's a private school, so perhaps my expectations should be adjusted, but nevertheless I've always thoughts that we, the parents, could bring the school to its knees on any given issue simply by refusing to show up for volunteer duties on a random Thursday.
I don't have a kid but I've seen enough with my friends and my coworkers to know this is true.
The town next to mine, where a ton of my coworkers live, gets out early one Friday a month every month. My coworkers end up scrambling to get time off to pick up their kid or get someone else arranged to pick them up. We can only have x number of people off each day so it's really hard for them to make arrangements. There's an afterschool program but apparently it's hard to get your kid in there just for the early out days.
But then I see parents like one coworker who threw a fit when her kid's teacher sent home a note asking for parents to send in another box of tissues during cold/flu season because "why should I have to spend money for other kids to blow their noses?" And I've never heard that coworker talk about volunteering in her kid's class while another cw arranges her schedule to volunteer once a week. So I think maybe the ones who do volunteer sometimes feel like they're being asked to do so much because they're picking up the slack for others.
And for the record, one of our stores always have tissues on sale for like 75 cents and they aren't bad tissues. I really wanted to say "I'll send some in, just tell me the teacher." Too many memories of blowing my nose in awful toilet paper. lol
Post by penguingrrl on Sept 7, 2015 13:35:03 GMT -5
This all sounds about right from my experience. Part of the reason H left academia and we moved back "home" is that we figured out quickly while I was working on the campaign last year that having both of us work without having local back up help was not going to be long-term feasible (and I want to return to work). Schools really do still operate on a model of expecting a SAHP and/or parents with incredible flexibility in their day that isn't realistic or reasonable with most careers. It's not that it can't be done, of course, but that without having a good local support network it's difficult at best. As it was, during the brief 6 week period of both of us working full time we paid overtime at the girls aftercare multiple times because we both got caught up and couldn't get there before it closed at 6. Then winter hit and we had 11 delayed openings, one early dismissal and 10 snow days and H stayed home exactly twice (and in every one of those instances before/after/day off care closed, per district policy). The rest of those closings were absolutely ridiculous, some it didn't end up snowing at all. Had we not had me at home or local support one of us would have lost our job because the school was too quick to close.
It took me an embarrassingly long time to figure out that this was an article and teflepi wasn't writing about her own experiences with a 3 year old daughter I didn't know existed.
It took me an embarrassingly long time to figure out that this was an article and teflepi wasn't writing about her own experiences with a 3 year old daughter I didn't know existed.
Ha. This is the second time in the last few weeks I have had someone say they thought something I posted was my own musings. There are no autocorrects or typos...that is the key
Post by meshaliuknits on Sept 7, 2015 13:44:16 GMT -5
Our school district gets out early every Wednesday. H says it's less early then when he was going to school in the same district, but still. And the after school program is crazy hard to get into. If our daycare decided to stop doing school pick ups, the Liu kids will be attending the karate school across the street just because they do after school transportation.
Post by Jalapeñomel on Sept 7, 2015 13:53:47 GMT -5
Everything in the world of children seems to revolve around a SAH schedule. Want to do dance lessons? Great, Wednesdays at 10 am or Mondays at 3:30. WTF, how is this possible with two working parents?
Post by matildasun on Sept 7, 2015 13:58:59 GMT -5
Maryland has been discussing universal all day pre-k for years now, especially in Baltimore City. Finding the funding is a huge issue. There has also been a surprising amount of push back from parents who do not think all day pre-k is appropriate.
We do have all day kindergarden across the board in Maryland, and I am always surprised when districts other places don't offer it.
Post by curbsideprophet on Sept 7, 2015 14:02:24 GMT -5
I always assumed most traditional pre-schools were for families with one stay at home parent. At least based on the hours I have heard others talk about.
If you need full time care pre-school is not going to cut it and your kid is going to daycare. I suppose the daycare having a preschool type set up for the older kids is school/daycare dependent.
Post by marriedfilingjoint on Sept 7, 2015 14:03:18 GMT -5
I almost didn't read this because this line made me want to punch her in her smug face:
"We bought sunflower-seed butter for her school lunches, because peanut butter is now banned so that no allergic child has to break out his EpiPen."
Silly children, wanting to breath and stuff without jabbing a needle into their thigh and having an ambulance called.
But I agree with her overall sentiment. I have a ton of flexibility at my job because I'm a professional and my employer trusts me to get my work done even if I have to take a half day because my child's daycare closed. But I have no idea how others do it. I've wondered how we'll do it if we stay in England and have no family or friends to help out if, say, both DH and I are traveling for work. But most of all, I wonder how single parents making minimum wage do it.
I hate the "educational goals" bullshit I read about all the time. Just stop it. It's Pre-K. Get over yourselves. You need my name, the child's name, phone number, allergies, medical issues, and my money.
And I also hate the shaming of snacks. My DD was once told she couldn't eat her cream cheese and jelly sandwich because jam has sugar in it. You should have seen my effin face. Are you kidding me? I am ride or die all day about kids' diets, but this issue irks me. Unless the child is guzzling a Mountain Dew while washing down a Snickers, let the Goldfish go. Don't micromanage snack.
Post by orriskitten on Sept 7, 2015 14:13:25 GMT -5
We couldn't put one kid into daycare/preschool in NY without me going back to work and just about handing over my entire salary for it. Plus the impossible feats that must be accomplished to get your child in. This was one of the main reasons we moved.
I guess it might be easier in smaller cities, but there was just no way for us.
Maryland has been discussing universal all day pre-k for years now, especially in Baltimore City. Finding the funding is a huge issue. There has also been a surprising amount of push back from parents who do not think all day pre-k is appropriate.
We do have all day kindergarden across the board in Maryland, and I am always surprised when districts other places don't offer it.
You'd be surprised by the number of parents that think PreK is not needed (false-it has lasting effects for sure) and not wanting to send their children more than 2-3 days for an hour or 2. Some kids, yes, this works better for, but not all. And, the number of PK that available for free is so low. MD is trying with EXCELs and vouchers, but it is not helping all to gain access.
Everything in the world of children seems to revolve around a SAH schedule. Want to do dance lessons? Great, Wednesdays at 10 am or Mondays at 3:30. WTF, how is this possible with two working parents?
I'm finding that as my kids get older that's getting a lot better. Now everything starts between 5 and 6. In another 2 years it will all start around 7. My brother is a karate teacher and said scheduling is really hard. Most younger kids are too tired for an after 5 class and the evening is filled with kids who are 8+. Space is at a premium and nobody wants activities ending too late, so how do you accommodate 2-4 year olds all the way up through HS students. If it's too early people without a sahp/nanny can't do it, too late the kid is too tired and everyone wants the same after work time but they only have two rooms.
I hate the "educational goals" bullshit I read about all the time. Just stop it. It's Pre-K. Get over yourselves. You need my name, the child's name, phone number, allergies, medical issues, and my money.
And I also hate the shaming of snacks. My DD was once told she couldn't eat her cream cheese and jelly sandwich because jam has sugar in it. You should have seen my effin face. Are you kidding me? I am ride or die all day about kids' diets, but this issue irks me. Unless the child is guzzling a Mountain Dew while washing down a Snickers, let the Goldfish go. Don't micromanage snack.
Post by cookiemdough on Sept 7, 2015 14:43:34 GMT -5
As a single working mom I am increasingly pissed about the school schedule and the lack of options available to parse together a schedule that does not have a parent constantly on edge.
I hate the "educational goals" bullshit I read about all the time. Just stop it. It's Pre-K. Get over yourselves. You need my name, the child's name, phone number, allergies, medical issues, and my money.
And I also hate the shaming of snacks. My DD was once told she couldn't eat her cream cheese and jelly sandwich because jam has sugar in it. You should have seen my effin face. Are you kidding me? I am ride or die all day about kids' diets, but this issue irks me. Unless the child is guzzling a Mountain Dew while washing down a Snickers, let the Goldfish go. Don't micromanage snack.
Andplusalso, Cheddar Bunnies are disgusting.
How are you going to tell me what brand of cheese crackers I can put in my kids' snackbox. The BRAND? I'm still mad about this request.
They are phasing my DD into preK right now. I like the concept, I do. Buuuut, it has been weeks and she is still only at going 2 hours a day because there was a 2 week break in between so we have to start over. Who knows when she will go full day. Honestly, it may be Halloween. But it's what they do round here. If I had to go to work? Forget it. I don't know what the working parents do.
I always assumed most traditional pre-schools were for families with one stay at home parent. At least based on the hours I have heard others talk about.
If you need full time care pre-school is not going to cut it and your kid is going to daycare. I suppose the daycare having a preschool type set up for the older kids is school/daycare dependent.
In NYC (I'm sure this is not unique to here), I feel shamed/guilty for not sending my kid to the super preschool/daycare that costs more than my rent a month (and my rent is outlandish).
Post by One Girl In All The World on Sept 7, 2015 15:39:10 GMT -5
Both of my kids have done co-op preschools, which are basically entirely parent-run save for the actual teachers. I am so glad this is the last year for us though, because it is really tough. My husband and I both work, and we have relied on our own job's flexibility (which has a limit) and local family to make it work. But regular preschool is much more expensive and just as inconvenience in terms of the hours. I would give my left arm for all-day preK.
Post by litebright on Sept 7, 2015 16:13:33 GMT -5
Preschool is a particularly bad culprit for this, absolutely. I WAH PT. When I went from a SAHM to this position and was trying to figure out what to do with my kids, I could NOT find a preschool that did actual half-days, of say, four hours. It was 2.5-3 hours (which wouldn't give me enough time to complete my work) or full-day (which was iffy in terms of pay vs. what it cost). We opted for full day in order for me to work at all, because the long-term benefits outweighed the fact that I was just about making enough to justify the cost for those two years. And we were lucky to get a spot -- only four out of more than 40 district preschools even off full-day care (7-5 p.m.). Now we pay $300 per month (in tuition, at a public school) for full-day kindergarten because although half-day is free, it still only lasts three hours.
So, I still WAH PT, and frankly even "full time" school is still a freaking nightmare of time off that, if I worked FT, would easily eat up all of my two weeks' vacation per year and then some. Take this week: my kids are off today, but also off tomorrow and Wednesday because those are one-on-one assessment days where all the kids in the school have 30 minute appointments with their teachers at some point (my kids' are both on Wednesday afternoon between 2-3 p.m.). They have early release days, when they get out at noon, about once a month. Throw in fall break, spring break, and two-ish weeks off for winter break, and I have no idea how, other than paying through the nose for intermittent child care arranged well in advance, I would deal with that if I didn't WAH. We have no family in-state, my kids aren't old enough to leave by themselves (and it seems like the age for which you wouldn't get CPS called on you is much older than when we were kids -- man, I feel like my younger siblings and I spent a LOT of time as latch-key kids), and my DH travels semi-frequently.
I've occasionally thought about trying to work FT, but I feel like my stress level would go through the roof just dealing with the logistics of it all -- and I know I'm in a privileged position that it's a choice rather than something that I just have to figure out.
As a single working mom I am increasingly pissed about the school schedule and the lack of options available to parse together a schedule that does not have a parent constantly on edge.
I feel your pain as a single mom too ...dd finally got into the onsite before/after school this year. Lots of school activities for parents start at 6 RIGHT when I'm picking up dd and either I miss a portion OR I take her w me :/
Post by pinkdutchtulips on Sept 7, 2015 19:13:20 GMT -5
DD never attended formal preschool bc it was totally unconvenient for a single working full time w no reliable family close by. Preschools in my area are either inexpensive through a church or parks & rec BUT It's a few mornings a week for a few hours OR it's a super pricey center. Her in home dcp and I cobbled together something so at least she'd know her letters, colors, numbers and shapes but when she started kinder ... oh my did she have problems transitioning bt activities bc her dcp lacked the formal structure of traditional preschool.
Preschool is a particularly bad culprit for this, absolutely. I WAH PT. When I went from a SAHM to this position and was trying to figure out what to do with my kids, I could NOT find a preschool that did actual half-days, of say, four hours. It was 2.5-3 hours (which wouldn't give me enough time to complete my work) or full-day (which was iffy in terms of pay vs. what it cost). We opted for full day in order for me to work at all, because the long-term benefits outweighed the fact that I was just about making enough to justify the cost for those two years. And we were lucky to get a spot -- only four out of more than 40 district preschools even off full-day care (7-5 p.m.). Now we pay $300 per month (in tuition, at a public school) for full-day kindergarten because although half-day is free, it still only lasts three hours.
This was my experience as well in Las Vegas. We paid $395 a month for full day kinder, because half day was 2.5 hours. 2.5 hours for Kindergarten. What can a child possibly learn in 2.5 hours???
Maryland has been discussing universal all day pre-k for years now, especially in Baltimore City. Finding the funding is a huge issue. There has also been a surprising amount of push back from parents who do not think all day pre-k is appropriate.
We do have all day kindergarden across the board in Maryland, and I am always surprised when districts other places don't offer it.
You'd be surprised by the number of parents that think PreK is not needed (false-it has lasting effects for sure) and not wanting to send their children more than 2-3 days for an hour or 2. Some kids, yes, this works better for, but not all. And, the number of PK that available for free is so low. MD is trying with EXCELs and vouchers, but it is not helping all to gain access.
Surely they realize some children are in 9-10 hours of full time care daily from about 6 weeks of age, right? IIRC, preschool/pre-K has nap time, snacks, etc.
I'm lucky that I live in an area with a wealth of Children's Day Out/Preschool programs at many of the local churches with varying levels of educational quality. DS goes to one of the few NAEYC certified programs in my area that is not a full time daycare and I'm lucky to have that spot. The regular school day is 9-2 with before and after care available for families that need it.
The schedules for public pre-k in my area suck major donkey balls and I have no idea how working parents manage them. These are also where the school district offers all their early childhood special education programs and Head Start so for many families in the area these are their only affordable choices. My district has an AM session that runs 8:15 to 11 or a PM session from 12:30 to 3:15 and you are assigned a session based on which elementary school you are zoned to. We've been having some challenges at his current school but one of the many reasons we're hesitant to move him to the public option is because the morning schedule we're zoned to would be a mess for our schedule and I'm not sure how much can actually be accomplished in such a short day.
DS is in half-day Kinder here and I use the term "half-day" loosely. It's 3 hours a day. There is a lottery for full day but I don't know anyone who got in. We still pay out the nose to a daycare center for aftercare because he is there twice as long as he is in school. It's insane. I thought there was going to be a riot among all the working parents to get their kid into AM. PM Kinder is 11:45-2:45, totally insane for working parents.
I'm filling out the student profile for the "preschool" (lol) my 2 year old is in, and it totally asks about our educational goals. And this isn't even one of the super crazy nyc preschools! We didn't interview for this one, and they take anyone capable of writing a large check.