I'm going to get flamed but I'm already in a bad mood so, whatever . . . it is this type of thinking/mindset that has led to every kid getting a "participation" medal/trophy/ribbon.
Holy EXAGGERATION batman.
These were close friends. This wasn't just a random kid.
And I already said I get it. It was the secrecy that bothered me.
I think the fact that you think it would have been nice if your DD had been included for the cake & ice cream portion explains why your friend didn't call and tell you about it- she probably knew that would be your argument when the simple fact is your DD wasn't invited and you telling the host which part of the party your DD should be invited to anyway would have been incredibly awkward.
That's a huge age gap for a slumber party. I would be fine with my 5 yr old attending a 3rd grader's daytime party, but would honestly have second thoughts about sending them to a slumber party with more than just that close friend.
Come on you guys. I already said I get it. We don't need to turn this into a shaming.
When I said they were close friends, I meant close that we see them at least 2x a week. Our kids play together a lot. I walk with the moms in the morning. To me, the effort to simply mention it would have been easier than hiding it and not mentioning it. I already said I would have handled it fine because of the age gap.
Post by compassrose on Oct 5, 2015 12:43:50 GMT -5
My reaction to the 'secrecy' would depend on how close I am to the parents. Close friends that I hang out with regularly or talk with on the phone at least once a week? I'd expect a very close friend to tell me if they were having a party to which *I* wasn't invited (Oh, I'm having people from work/family/my book club over this weekend) if any discussion of weekend plans came up. If it's someone I'm friends with but only see at a specific group gathering or don't talk with between hanging out? NBD.
tl;dr: If you don't normally know their big weekend plans, I wouldn't think twice about it.
Come on you guys. I already said I get it. We don't need to turn this into a shaming.
When I said they were close friends, I meant close that we see them at least 2x a week. Our kids play together a lot. I walk with the moms in the morning. To me, the effort to simply mention it would have been easier than hiding it and not mentioning it. I already said I would have handled it fine because of the age gap.
I DONT EXPECT MY KID TO BE INVITED EVERYWHERE.
See, if you see these people daily, then I do think not mentioning it is weird.
See, if you see these people daily, then I do think not mentioning it is weird.
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Meh, I don't. Throwing a "I saw DD had a birthday party - how did it go?" would be fine. But a "So I saw DD had a birthday party. Why wasn't my kid invited?"
When you're good friends, a conversation goes a long way.
"Hey Jenn, So B is having a sleepover this weekend. I hope you understand why we couldn't invite P. She's probably a little too young for this setting but we just wanted to you to know in advance so no feelings were hurt."
DONE and DONE.
No Feelings hurt.
No.
People do not have to go around contacting everyone they are not inviting to an event to let them know they aren't being invited.
That is a totally ridiculous expectation.
Honestly, it kinda sounds like you are more upset about this than your kid?
Well, when it seems like WAY more trouble having people lie about it and purposefully take pics without her for FB.
When you're good friends, a conversation goes a long way.
"Hey Jenn, So B is having a sleepover this weekend. I hope you understand why we couldn't invite P. She's probably a little too young for this setting but we just wanted to you to know in advance so no feelings were hurt."
DONE and DONE.
No Feelings hurt.
I did this with a friend once and she argued with me about why her daughter should go and made me feel like crap that I wasn't planning on inviting her. Situation was a bit different her kid and mine live in diff towns and had lost touch and it was only school friends coming. I felt like no good deed goes unpunished and wished I had said nothing about it.
To me it's no effort to hide it from you, I know you're not invited I'm just not going to bring it up and instead talk about the many other things we DO have in common. It probably wouldn't even cross my mind to discuss it, if for no other reason then I'd assume you wouldn't be interested. Maybe I'm a terrible person but I don't care about a kid's party who isn't my own.
Also, the "invite me over just for the cake part" reads as too much planning for me. I knew at some point there would be cake, but I didn't know it would happen at 11 or 11:18 or 1. it just sort of happens. I don't plan my personal life or events like that. And if you know the girls are sleeping over you might not bother to worry about it as long as they have cake between drop off and pick up.
but did they really LIE? They were tactful enough not to bring up a party in front of someone who wasn't invited. That seems more like being polite than lying.
Let me be clear. I would have NOT have tried to negotiate the invite. If she wasn't invited, then she wasn't invited. I mentioned the come over for the "Party Part" because my kid would have totally been cool with leaving after. She knows herself that she's not ready for sleepovers. BUT I WOULD HAVE NEVER SAID THAT TO THE MOM.
When I do stuff that doesn't include "everyone" and I'm worried about hurt feelings, I don't post it on FB at all. Perhaps they tried to avoid pics of the one girl or maybe it was just coincidence. Who knows. But clearly they weren't really THAT worried about keeping it secret. You might be over thinking this a bit.
but did they really LIE? They were tactful enough not to bring up a party in front of someone who wasn't invited. That seems more like being polite than lying.
Or just not thinking about it when she's around. Or maybe it's just me who forgets to tell people half the things that they actually would need/like to know so not sharing information that doesn't involve them feels like a pretty natural thing.
I think the fact that you think it would have been nice if your DD had been included for the cake & ice cream portion explains why your friend didn't call and tell you about it- she probably knew that would be your argument when the simple fact is your DD wasn't invited and you telling the host which part of the party your DD should be invited to anyway would have been incredibly awkward.
She should have used the lanyard system. Pink lanyards for everyone for just cake and ice cream, purple if you sleep over.
This is OP's interpretation, we have no way to know if that is actually what happened.
Well, the facts are that the one kid was NOT in any of the pics the mom posted and was tagged by some other party goer.
And we know that the dad shushed the kid from talking.
And we know other neightbors were invited and she was not.
It is NOT wrong that she was not invited. I think it is 100% understandable that her feelings would be hurt though.
Maybe she just wasn't in those pictures.
And of course he did. If my kid started going on about a party that another kid wasn't invited to, I'd shush them. That's not polite. A 5year old won't understand, but an adult certainly shouldn't be upset that their kid wasn't invited.
ACTUALLY. These were kids at their preschool. NOT close friends. But thanks for the sleuthing.
Was your neighbors daughter invited?
My point was, that you can't always invite everyone and it doesn't mean people are purposely being excluded with malicious intent.
Yes, neighbor kids were invited. My close friends and their kids are always at the top of the list. At this particular party, I meant that we already have friends that are "already" on the list. Now that they had dance and preschool friends, I made them pick 5.
I think what they did was/is shitty and shady but if I were in your shoes I would be rationalizing with myself that they aren't under any obligation to invite my kid and if the friendship is reparable then I would probably just sulk to myself and not say anything. If it happened more than once I would reconsider the friendship.
Let me be clear. I would have NOT have tried to negotiate the invite. If she wasn't invited, then she wasn't invited. I mentioned the come over for the "Party Part" because my kid would have totally been cool with leaving after. She knows herself that she's not ready for sleepovers. BUT I WOULD HAVE NEVER SAID THAT TO THE MOM.
How do you know your kid would have totally cool with it? My kid would be in tears if I told her she couldn't spend the night.
Or maybe they posted the best pictures of their kid and S just happened to not be in those? My nephews recently came over, I sent my SIL 10 photos of nephew A and 1 of nephew B. With a "sorry, took more pictures of B but this is the only one that isn't blurry"
I feel like you're reaching for reasons to be hurt and prove your kid was left out for malicious reasons. When the truth is more likely that she's 5 and it was an 8 year old's birthday. Nothing malicious.
If you want to keep these women as friends, then feel a bit sad their daughters aren't the same age and the three girls will probably never be best friends who do everything together and move on and stop trying to justify your hurt here. If you don't, then feel free to pick a part everything they did for the month before and after the party for proof they excluded her if it makes you feel better. Personally I'd rather just move forward but that's up to you.
Yes, neighbor kids were invited. My close friends and their kids are always at the top of the list. At this particular party, I meant that we already have friends that are "already" on the list. Now that they had dance and preschool friends, I made them pick 5.
well, perhaps your neighbor let her daughter choose who she wanted to invite?
Again, just because you and this person have a close relationship doesn't mean the kids are obliged to reciprocate it or invite people based on it.
Or that anyone has to pass it by you lol
I get that.
But I cant help that my feelings are hurt for DD too.
As a mom, this is the first time navigating this type of thing. I wasnt sure if I was allowed to feel hurt for my kid or not.
And for the record, my DD knows there was a party (S blabbled alot before her Dad hushed her) and she asked me why she didnt get to go. I told her it was because we made other plans and dropped it quickly. I probably should have just told her that she wasn't invited and left it at that.