I think you need to come up with a better family schedule that you both can work with. 10:30-12 bedtime is way to late for a child that gets up at 6:30. Makes for a super cranky toddler in the morning. Mine is very cranky and she goes to sleep by 8:30.
That said you need to come up with a team plan. You shouldn't have to do ALL of the stuff in the evenings. Your DH needs to participate. Family dinner should be a priority. I would bring this up in your sessions.
If you've been resorting to the silent treatment, sure, texting him might be easier than picking up the phone to talk to him, or meeting him in person. But it's pretty immature and ineffective (hence, the "no answer" option).
You're not going to "deal with your issues" with any finality today, but you CAN open the lines of communication and start down the right path. Texting isn't it. You're both going to have to get outside your comfort zones to make this work.
You're right. I guess I was thinking at least I'll be the one to take the step to open the communication. I know he would never take that step. I was hoping he would agree to drop off DD and I would go home and we can discuss things face to face. But he said not today.
I don't really want to call, but I guess I should try. He would never call me. If I call, it won't suprise me if I get voicemail.
I think the potty training & food issues is just a symptom of the bigger issue. Does you two not act like a team on a lot of issues? How is he doing with therapy? Is he an active participant?
Yes. He talks a lot in therapy. Sometimes too much and go out of topic. He says in therapy that he recognizes how full my plate is, but sometimes I just feel like he doesn't really know how hectic my daily routine. He gets DD ready in the morning but that's about it and I feel like he's not even that good about it. If we start getting ready at 6:30am, I'd be lucky if I get to work by 9am. He takes his time and let DD takes her time getting up, etc. He's ok just letting DD go to sleep by herself even if it's already 12 midnight. So DD gets a hard time waking in the morning.
I'm actually thinking about taking over everything again to cut down my morning routine. But I'm tired/exhausted.
Then at night, zero help. DD and I get home around 6:30pm (I work fulltime and commute is long). I take care of DD's dinner, her lunch for the next day, putting stuff away, giving her a bath, etc. By the time I'm done it's around 9pm. He comes home whenever he wishes. The nights Iet him put DD to sleep, DD end up going to bed really really late. Me getting things done at 9pm is already late. When I put DD to sleep, she's typically out by 10:30pm which I think it's really late.
You seem to very much have a type A personality (no offense meant at all, I work the same way and have a hard time letting anyone else do something I KNOW I can do better).
He's not good a getting her up... Nights you let him put her to sleep...
Your H needs to help and from the sounds of it your communication issues are both you AND him but just taking over the things your already frustrated about isn't the solution. And having everything done your way, all the time, also isn't the solution. If it was me I'd be revamping the family schedule so you guys get down time together as a family. And up-ing the counseling sessions.
I'm confused by "he comes home whenever he wishes." what is he doing in the evenings??
Work. He always says he has tons to do at work or something always comes up. Other times, he needs to go to the store. And if he's home early, he's out cutting the grass which he would never pay someone to do. So, I rarely get any help at night.
I'm confused by "he comes home whenever he wishes." what is he doing in the evenings??
I am, too. I am also confused about why he is at home with your DD right now instead of having dropped her off at daycare. Does he WAH? SAH? Did he skip out of work for the day? Does he often take sick days when he's just grumpy and irritated at you?
It's easy for me to jump to the worst conclusions when I only know part of the story, but the fact that he is home with your DD all day, for whatever reason, but isn't really an active participant in decisions that majorly impact her (PT, sleep training, etc.) is hugely worrisome to me. If he's home every day, why in the hell isn't he more proactive on these issues? And if he's not, but he has the kind of job (or attitude) that missing a day of work is no big deal because he just feel like moping around and being angry at his wife, then why doesn't he have time to deal with/talk about real issues?
While getting away as a couple would be nice, I don't think it's absolutely necessary to reconnect as a couple. There seem to be some serious communication issues here that wouldn't be resolved by a magical weekend without the child. I agree with PP that you might want to increase the frequency of your counseling sessions.
I'm confused by "he comes home whenever he wishes." what is he doing in the evenings??
Work. He always says he has tons to do at work or something always comes up. Other times, he needs to go to the store. And if he's home early, he's out cutting the grass which he would never pay someone to do. So, I rarely get any help at night.
Mehh! at the cutting the grass. At least that is exercise. Lately I have been obsessed with cutting the grass. I love it.
I agree with the poster who said your a Type A personality. He appears to be the exact opposite. So it's going to make becoming a team a little more difficult.
I am, too. I am also confused about why he is at home with your DD right now instead of having dropped her off at daycare. Does he WAH? SAH? Did he skip out of work for the day? Does he often take sick days when he's just grumpy and irritated at you?
He has a flexible job and can do his job at home. He's probably at home working.
How is he working at home, and watching your DD, when she was expected at daycare? It seems like he would not be able to do a good job at both simultaneously.
Your H needs to help and from the sounds of it your communication issues are both you AND him but just taking over the things your already frustrated about isn't the solution. And having everything done your way, all the time, also isn't the solution. If it was me I'd be revamping the family schedule so you guys get down time together as a family. And up-ing the counseling sessions.
+1
If your solution is to swoop in and "take over" because he's not doing something with your DD to your exacting specifications, no wonder he's not volunteering for anything and an unfair portion of the work is falling on you. I wouldn't step up to help with things if I knew I was going to get corrected every time either.
That isn't to say you don't have reasonable points (e.g. about bedtime) but it sounds like you're pretty critical of everything he does with her. I'm guessing as a result he doesn't have a ton of confidence in his parenting abilities as a result (which may also contribute to not volunteering/stepping up). I imagine you've got a vicious circle going on.
Obviously you have a lot of communication to catch up on, but these are some more things to think about.
I am, too. I am also confused about why he is at home with your DD right now instead of having dropped her off at daycare. Does he WAH? SAH? Did he skip out of work for the day? Does he often take sick days when he's just grumpy and irritated at you?
He has a flexible job and can do his job at home. He's probably at home working.
This gets a huge eyeroll from me. He's "working" and watching your child? That makes no sense to me, as someone who works at home and has a small child (around whom I get zero work done). I don't mean to be harsh, but that would piss me off as much as everything else.
If your solution is to swoop in and "take over" because he's not doing something with your DD to your exacting specifications, no wonder he's not volunteering for anything and an unfair portion of the work is falling on you. I wouldn't step up to help with things if I knew I was going to get corrected every time either.
That isn't to say you don't have reasonable points (e.g. about bedtime) but it sounds like you're pretty critical of everything he does with her. I'm guessing as a result he doesn't have a ton of confidence in his parenting abilities as a result (which may also contribute to not volunteering/stepping up). I imagine you've got a vicious circle going on.
Obviously you have a lot of communication to catch up on, but these are some more things to think about.
I've learned to let H do how he wants things done with DD. But now I feel like it was a mistake since he's undoing the progress I've done and made it worse. For instance, DD used to sleep 9-9:30pm. Yes, it's still late but it's a lot better than now. When discussed what he takes over, he agreed to deal with putting her to sleep. He didn't really want to deal with DD's dinner or getting her ready to bed, give her a bath. Oh yeah, I still get DD ready to bed. The only part he agreed to do is put her to sleep.
At the beginning, DD would be asleep at 9:30pm. Now, it's closer to midnight. This is why 2 days ago, I decided I need to take over again. I was able to get her to sleep at 10:30pm in the last 2 nights. Better but still late.
FYI, I let H did whatever method he chooses. Yes I don't agree with it but I only mentioned it once (or maybe 3x in the last 2mos) that having the TV, watching TV and just letting DD fall asleep on her own is not good idea. But I let him and didn't argue about it because it's his way of putting a kid to sleep.
"FYI, I let H did whatever method he chooses. Yes I don't agree with it but I only mentioned it once (or maybe 3x in the last 2mos) that having the TV, watching TV and just letting DD fall asleep on her own is not good idea. But I let him and didn't argue about it because it's his way of putting a kid to sleep."
But this is passive aggressive. You let him do it any method and then if you don't like the results then you swoop in and take over. This method just breeds tension and only makes things worse. Convince your DH to stop the co-sleeping and have her sleep in her own bed. Make a bedtime routine that you both participate in. Begin this routine at a halfway decent time. 8 or so. Make sure she knows what will be expected from her. Sure you will get some resistance and she may not like it at first but it's time to get this under control or you will have her sleeping with you until she is 10.
This will take a ton of communication and game planning from both of you. TEAM WORK gets it done.
Why not work on bedtime together? Sit down, agree whats reasonable. You give her a bath while he cleans up dinner. He settles in with her for an episode of the Mickey Mouse club while you take a half hour to yourself. You both sit down in her room and read a story together before tucking her in.
If you want to work together you actually need to put the effort in to you know, do it together.
Post by mollybrown on Aug 23, 2012 10:07:32 GMT -5
Ditto Susie that you sound critical of everything he does. Only you cam decide if his good points outweigh the bad. I learned early that if I ask DH to do something with the kids, I have to accept that it's okay for him to do it his way (unless it's harmful). But if there are consequences (I.e. She goes to bed late and is tired), then you guys need to arrange it so that he deals with those consequences (i.e. he deals with cranky pants in the morning).
Regarding the food, I think you need to step back. Especially since you said you don't eat enough veggies yourself. Are you eating the same meal you want your DD to eat? Ditto the suggestion for Jessica Seinfeld's book. Or you can just wing it. I put pureed cauliflower in all kinds of foods. I decided a long time ago not to get into food battles. My son went through a period when he was 2 where he would eat very little other than chicken nuggets and macaroni. He got over it. I wouldn't further damage my marriage fighting over this. My son eats his veggies now, but I'm not above straight up bribery to make it happen. He will gobble up his veggies for a handful of pretzels or a cookie. Seems like a good trade to me. He knows that he always has the option not to finish his food, but he won't get any other food or treats.
But this is passive aggressive. You let him do it any method and then if you don't like the results then you swoop in and take over. This method just breeds tension and only makes things worse. Convince your DH to stop the co-sleeping and have her sleep in her own bed. Make a bedtime routine that you both participate in. Begin this routine at a halfway decent time. 8 or so. Make sure she knows what will be expected from her. Sure you will get some resistance and she may not like it at first but it's time to get this under control or you will have her sleeping with you until she is 10.
This will take a ton of communication and game planning from both of you. TEAM WORK gets it done.
It's been 2 mos. He seems to agree that DD is not getting enough sleep, but he's not willing to change his method. DD is so miserable some mornings. I don't want her to be cranky every morning anymore. I just feel it's getting too unhealthy for her, so I need to step in.
H is a very hard person to convince on anything. His typical answer is "it can wait."
I bought DD a Mickey Mouse toddler bed. H seemed to agree it was a good idea. It came in Monday. It needs to be assembled so DD slept with me that night. After she was out at 10:30pm, I proceeded to assemble the bed. H's comment was it can wait, not tonight.
Tuesday night, H didn't seem to want me to start training DD sleep by herself that night. He says it can wait.
DD went to sleep on the toddler bed. She woke up 2x in the middle of the night. Went back to the toddler bed the first time, then decided to sleep with me the 2nd time. I was definitely very happy with the result since it's the first night.
Last night, DD was back to sleeping with H. So, I guess I'm back to zero.
Why not work on bedtime together? Sit down, agree whats reasonable. You give her a bath while he cleans up dinner. He settles in with her for an episode of the Mickey Mouse club while you take a half hour to yourself. You both sit down in her room and read a story together before tucking her in.
If you want to work together you actually need to put the effort in to you know, do it together.
Thanks. This definitely sounds like a good idea. Now, I just need to see if H will agree with it. As I mentioned to the counselor, he seems to care a lot about having a downtime at night but doesn't realize that I get zero. He's been working on giving me some downtime. His idea was taking over putting DD to sleep. He gets his free time, then put DD to sleep. Hopefully I can shift the other stuff to him and he'll agree to them, and we can actually both put DD to sleep in her toddler bed.
But this is passive aggressive. You let him do it any method and then if you don't like the results then you swoop in and take over. This method just breeds tension and only makes things worse. Convince your DH to stop the co-sleeping and have her sleep in her own bed. Make a bedtime routine that you both participate in. Begin this routine at a halfway decent time. 8 or so. Make sure she knows what will be expected from her. Sure you will get some resistance and she may not like it at first but it's time to get this under control or you will have her sleeping with you until she is 10.
This will take a ton of communication and game planning from both of you. TEAM WORK gets it done.
It's been 2 mos. He seems to agree that DD is not getting enough sleep, but he's not willing to change his method. DD is so miserable some mornings. I don't want her to be cranky every morning anymore. I just feel it's getting too unhealthy for her, so I need to step in.
H is a very hard person to convince on anything. His typical answer is "it can wait."
I bought DD a Mickey Mouse toddler bed. H seemed to agree it was a good idea. It came in Monday. It needs to be assembled so DD slept with me that night. After she was out at 10:30pm, I proceeded to assemble the bed. H's comment was it can wait, not tonight.
Tuesday night, H didn't seem to want me to start training DD sleep by herself that night. He says it can wait.
DD went to sleep on the toddler bed. She woke up 2x in the middle of the night. Went back to the toddler bed the first time, then decided to sleep with me the 2nd time. I was definitely very happy with the result since it's the first night.
Last night, DD was back to sleeping with H. So, I guess I'm back to zero.
This means you just have to keep being persistent and bringing your DD back to her bed. Don't just give up after a few tries. Keep at it. Eventually she will learn that she needs to sleep in her own bed.
I feel like you're looking for everyone to just say, "Yeah! Your H sucks! Dump him!" Are you looking for an excuse to leave? Is there something else going on?
You're both at fault, there's no way around that fact. Operagirl is right in that you need more regular therapy, with homework, and stronger communication.
I feel like you're looking for everyone to just say, "Yeah! Your H sucks! Dump him!" Are you looking for an excuse to leave? Is there something else going on?
You're both at fault, there's no way around that fact. Operagirl is right in that you need more regular therapy, with homework, and stronger communication.
"Your H sucks!" --- No
"Dump him!" ---- Yes. Trying to see if we're there.
I guess I'm trying to figure out the situation/marriage I'm in. Would I (and my DD) be better off if I split with H??? Not sure.
I feel like you're looking for everyone to just say, "Yeah! Your H sucks! Dump him!" Are you looking for an excuse to leave? Is there something else going on?
You're both at fault, there's no way around that fact. Operagirl is right in that you need more regular therapy, with homework, and stronger communication.
"Your H sucks!" --- No
"Dump him!" ---- Yes. Trying to see if we're there.
I guess I'm trying to figure out the situation/marriage I'm in. Would I (and my DD) be better off if I split with H??? Not sure.
Only you can answer that.
Honestly, it sounds like you nag the man about everything, and he's the type who says, "fuck it, I can't do anything right, so I'll let her do it all."
You say you let him do what he wants, but the whole time you're passive aggressively sitting back and getting pissed off about how he's doing things.
I don't think potty training and vegetables needs to be the hill that a marriage dies on, so I'm wondering if there's more to the story.
Maybe I'm type A like you. But some of the stuff your H does would completely piss me off and I don't blame you one bit for being angry. Letting a 3-year old stay up until midnight when she has to get up at 6:30, um no way! That is BS.
If you are both willing to work on this, then there is a middle ground.
DH and I always do bed time together. It's a nice bonding experience as a family. You guys definitely need more of those.
What does your counselor say about your parenting issues? I agree with a PP, they should be giving you homework and you definitely need to be meeting with them more. Once a month is not going to solve your serious communication issues. Is your H willing to meet with them more often?
Honestly, it sounds like you nag the man about everything, and he's the type who says, "fuck it, I can't do anything right, so I'll let her do it all."
You say you let him do what he wants, but the whole time you're passive aggressively sitting back and getting pissed off about how he's doing things.
I don't think potty training and vegetables needs to be the hill that a marriage dies on, so I'm wondering if there's more to the story.
Only when it's a daily thing. With the food and the sleep, I didn't get pissy about it until this week. He has been doing the same thing and I'm not getting progress on either one. I guess, I just had enough???
Or maybe other things are bothering me too. Or something else triggered it.
I feel like you're looking for everyone to just say, "Yeah! Your H sucks! Dump him!" Are you looking for an excuse to leave? Is there something else going on?
You're both at fault, there's no way around that fact. Operagirl is right in that you need more regular therapy, with homework, and stronger communication.
"Your H sucks!" --- No
"Dump him!" ---- Yes. Trying to see if we're there.
I guess I'm trying to figure out the situation/marriage I'm in. Would I (and my DD) be better off if I split with H??? Not sure.
I don't mean this to be as nearly jerk-like as it sounds, but frankly you'd have zero help if you left. At least he seems to love you, care for you, and love and care for your daughter, even if he sucks at helping.
What does your counselor say about your parenting issues? I agree with a PP, they should be giving you homework and you definitely need to be meeting with them more. Once a month is not going to solve your serious communication issues. Is your H willing to meet with them more often?
I'm actually wondering if we have the right counselor. We've just met her 3x.
Is H willing to meet more often? It was his suggestion to space things out because he doesn't want to pay a penny. My benefit has 5 sessions free. In my mind though, we will go as long as it takes, free or not.
there's a lot going on here and you need to be in counseling more than once a month for sure! You guys need a schedule and routine that you are in agreement on. Your daughter needs it to get enough sleep. You guys are not acting as a team. You need a consistent approach to eating, bedtime, evening routine, and potty training. He needs to get off his ass and participate and put her wellbeing first. Bedtime at midnight because he wanted downtime to himself all evening is not acceptable. As it stands, you guys are working against each other. It's killing your marriage and it's not good for your daughter. Your communication sucks and you guys are both being passive aggressive. More counseling, stat.
get a counseling that specializing in family counseling (a marriage and family therapist should be able to help you with your issues with one another and parenting techniques)
I don't mean this to be as nearly jerk-like as it sounds, but frankly you'd have zero help if you left. At least he seems to love you, care for you, and love and care for your daughter, even if he sucks at helping.
Honestly, I think you're right. Posters in my old thread mentioned how much harder it is to be a single mom and dealing with visitations, etc. And deep down, I believe he loves/cares about me and DD. Although a part of me is questioning it because we can't seem to work together as a team. So, maybe it's me???
You guys need to be working as a team and I would make this the topic of your next therapy session. He needs to understand that potty training, sleeping in her own bed and eating healthy meals are all important to you daughters healthy development and that is you number one concern, and you need his help to get these things done. He may feel that you are telling him what to do rather than asking him for help. Before we start a new phase for DD, DH & I discuss our approach and agree on it so that it can be successful. (Ex. we are weaning off the paci so we agree she can only have it at bed time and naps and morning car rides to daycare). Good luck!
I feel like you're looking for everyone to just say, "Yeah! Your H sucks! Dump him!" Are you looking for an excuse to leave? Is there something else going on?
You're both at fault, there's no way around that fact. Operagirl is right in that you need more regular therapy, with homework, and stronger communication.
"Your H sucks!" --- No
"Dump him!" ---- Yes. Trying to see if we're there.
I guess I'm trying to figure out the situation/marriage I'm in. Would I (and my DD) be better off if I split with H??? Not sure.
I think you should have left him 4 years ago, since you obviously think he is a horrible father. However, I think you are just being irrational now. It sounds like you want to divorce him as a father, not so much as a husband. It doesn't work that way. You are stuck coparenting with him, and if you want that not to suck, you need to learn to communicate like grown ups. It is very unlikely that getting divorced will make learning to do that any easier.
Personally, I think you sound controlling, and I don't think your DH sounds like a bad father. I agree with others that you should have more frequent counseling sessions. I also think it is important that you talk about parenting in counseling if you aren't already. Also, since no one else seems to have spelled it out: Get a babysitter so you can talk about this freely when it is not in the moment and you are not in front of the child.