Question about "random" sex

[greysgirl]

I haven't had a lot of sex with people I am not dating but I am on birth control and would use condoms if I wasn't in a committed relationship.

[doriswe]

I ask for their most recent STD test results. I've yet to have anyone tell me to get bent. I also provide mine, so they can feel comfortable with me as well.

I'm also using birth control, so I don't worry about getting pregnant. My first sex, post marriage, was with a friend which made it a lot easier since he knew what the deal was. It was still a little strange, but once you hop back on that bike, it's easy to remember how great it can be!

[doriswe]

Oct 28, 2015 9:20:34 GMT -5 chocolatepickle said:

Birth control kills my sex drive

I have paraguard...nonhormonal IUD.  It's pretty damn awesome!

[Serenity9]

Oct 28, 2015 9:20:34 GMT -5 chocolatepickle said:

Birth control kills my sex drive

I know it's different for everyone, but back when I was married, I was convinced I had lost my sex drive and that it was due to BC. But really, being in a declining relationship is more of a sex-drive killer than anything. I still think I do lose a bit of sex drive due to BC, but at least for me, in the early stages of love/lust (lol), nothing is dampening that sex drive. If I get into a long-term relationship with someone in the future and that initial excitement is gone (which is fine, it happens) and I find my sex drive tanks, then I'd discuss with my partner about our birth control options at that point. 

In the short-term, consistent BC is the only way I have peace of mind enough to date and have a sex life.

[jojoandleo]

Condoms. You can be tested together, or ask to see test results, but that may be awkward for a one night stand. I asked for them in a FWB situation. Look, you can ask about STIs, but people lie. I was on BC AND used condoms. There is a risk, but there is always a risk with sex. Nothing is 100% effective. Use every form of protection possible, talk to your doctor or go to a health clinic, and do what is best for YOU.

[Deleted]

The fact is that having sex with anyone no matter what puts you at risk for disease and pregnancy. Even if that person is your husband or a long term relationship. The good thing there is a lot you can do to significantly lower that risk. If you don't like the pill try an IUD (I love mine), always use condoms (these are your barrier to STDS and those combined with birth control pretty much ensures you won't get pregnant). Asking for STD tests is good but I'll admit I don't ask when it's a random hookup. I don't know anyone who really carries those around and well just asking isn't going to get me anywhere. They could easily lie. The current guy I'm dating and I have both gotten tested and shred results for piece of mind, but we still use condoms.

I try to think of worst case scenario with this stuff. The vast majority of STDs even if contracted are curable as long as you get regular screenings. I also know a lot of people with HIV and herpes (who contracted by not using protection) who still live very full lives. I don't know anyone who has used protection that has contracted an STD (I know it can happen, but saying the stats are still very low).

As far as being a "good girl" throw that shit out the window. Having consensual sex doesn't make you "bad." If you feel comfortable and want to have sex, do it. If you don't want to, then don't. Simple as that. If a guy is going to think less of me for not "holding out" then I don't really want to be with him anyways.

I have waited in different relationships because I wanted to get to know the person without introducing the physical element. Others I haven't. Overall trust your gut, do what feels good to YOU, use protection and have fun when you're ready.

[bl]

I have paraguard as well for non-hormonal birth control and if we are not exclusive I require condoms. Many times we have a conversation beforehand about when were you last tested, anything unprotected since then, condoms are expected, ect. I know guys can lie, but I still like having a conversation because you can sometimes gauge how seriously they take it. I have had a slip up that I am not proud of where it just happened and protection was not used. I got tested a few weeks after and then 6 months after that as well.

I have done everything from a one night stand meet at a bar and never talk again to several dates (like 5+) without anything more than making out, and everything in between. I don't know that there is a norm necessarily. You need to figure out what you are comfortable with and go from there and it might even be different with different people. Just don't feel like you need to be okay with something just because its "the new norm". Some people love casual sex and others are not okay with it. I actually go through phases where I do not want a bf and love fwb and casual hookups, and other times where that does not interest me at all.

[jojoandleo]

Yeah, don't worry about the "norm." Worry about what is comfortable for YOU.

[Wanderista]

There aren't totally strict rules and there is room for personal preferences and doing what you are comfortable with. Unless you specifically find a guy who wants to wait a year then it's true that the norm is for sex to happen a lot sooner than that. You can do it one or two dates in or you can wait a bit - maybe a few dates or even a few months for the right guy. Unless there are religious/cultural factors, most people tend to get sexual a lot earlier than what you would have been used to back then.

My opinion was always that I didn't want to get serious about a guy without testing the sex out. Knowing what the sexual chemistry is like was a big deal for me in order to think about someone in a longer term way. I think that a lot of people are like that but the exact time when they are ready for sex might vary. I've had a 2 yr relationship that started as a one night stand (not the one I'm dating now). In this case, I waited about 3 dates until I wanted to go there. 

Hormonal birth control is honestly crappy for my sex drive. It was a big reason why I stuck to just condoms for a long time with this boyfriend. I'm on it now and it's ok but I won't hesitate to adjust it again if I want to. I always talked to a guy about STDs before we initially had sex. It doesn't sound like the sexiest thing ever but it would have been a total deal breaker for me if a guy was weird about it. It was never really an issue. Also, I did get myself tested in between partners. 

If you want, you can use it as a time to explore. I did that a lot when I was younger so later on, I was more into holding out a bit while getting to know someone. It's ok to want to wait it out a bit and to look for guys who want to do the same. I just wouldn't usually count on waiting more than a few months even with someone who is wanting to wait for sex. Have fun and enjoy!

[Mrs.Rad888]

Oct 28, 2015 9:49:27 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

The fact is that having sex with anyone no matter what puts you at risk for disease and pregnancy. Even if that person is your husband or a long term relationship. The good thing there is a lot you can do to significantly lower that risk. If you don't like the pill try an IUD (I love mine), always use condoms (these are your barrier to STDS and those combined with birth control pretty much ensures you won't get pregnant). Asking for STD tests is good but I'll admit I don't ask when it's a random hookup. I don't know anyone who really carries those around and well just asking isn't going to get me anywhere. They could easily lie. The current guy I'm dating and I have both gotten tested and shred results for piece of mind, but we still use condoms.

I try to think of worst case scenario with this stuff. The vast majority of STDs even if contracted are curable as long as you get regular screenings. I also know a lot of people with HIV and herpes (who contracted by not using protection) who still live very full lives. I don't know anyone who has used protection that has contracted an STD (I know it can happen, but saying the stats are still very low).

As far as being a "good girl" throw that shit out the window. Having consensual sex doesn't make you "bad." If you feel comfortable and want to have sex, do it. If you don't want to, then don't. Simple as that. If a guy is going to think less of me for not "holding out" then I don't really want to be with him anyways.

I have waited in different relationships because I wanted to get to know the person without introducing the physical element. Others I haven't. Overall trust your gut, do what feels good to YOU, use protection and have fun when you're ready.

This right here! I'm sure that, between all the ladies on the board, it's ALL been done. That doesn't matter. You do what feels right for you. If you meet some rando and want to bone, go for it, just be safe while doing it. Decide that you don't want to do casual sex at all? You do you. No one else gets a vote.
Also, I know you're just starting this new chapter of your life, and aren't ready to date yet. But, when you decide that you are ready to get back in the saddle, don't let anyone make you feel bad about timing. Some people take longer to heal. Just be sure that YOU are the one deciding that you are ready. 

[Wanderista]

I should add that when I was doing just condoms with this boyfriend which I did for about a year, I was willing to spring for (or jointly spring for) the morning after pill/Plan B at the drugstore. I only needed to do that once when there was a leaky condom but as soon as I saw it, I went out and got Plan B. I like Plan B and it's easy to find around here so it worked for me. It was a way to avoid having to take hormonal birth control regularly when I wasn't wanting to while using condoms. Like I said, I only really needed to do that once in a year but it isn't cheap so I'd stick to only using it if a condom breaks or something but I found it to be a good backup option and I'm an ardent supporter of its widespread availability.

[Deleted]

I use condoms 100% of the time, no questions asked.

I didn't have a lot of partners before getting married. I definitely enjoyed being single after my separation and have no regrets. It was never awkward in regards to condoms and half the time the guy was reaching for one before I even had to say anything.

In regards to a broken condom, well that's the risk you take with having sex. I've had 2 broken condoms over the years and wasn't worried about STIs because we had discussed test results, but I did take plan B once as I was in the middle of my menstrual cycle. If you are worried about STIs after a broken condom then it's best to get tested and then again 4-6 months later.

[pinkdutchtulips]

I had quite a few reckless years in college and a handful of one night stands bt college and when I met my now xh when I was 26. I was always on some sort of birth control and used condoms.

You just have to go w what you're comfortable with - I've had one night stands and I've waited to be in a commited relationship before having sex. Post xh I've had a FWB .. bcp and condoms kept the pg and std worries at bay (I was tested when I left xh and I didn't get my FWB until nearly a year after xh and I split). It's harder now bc I have full 24/7 custody of DD so my days of being completely reckless like I was pre-kid are in the past lol

Ditto what pp said about a declining relationship killing your sex life worse than bcp doing that. I used to think it was bcp/stress/exhaustion that was killing my sex drive. Nope ! Sex drive came back about 6 months after I left xh. It was the declining relationship that did it, not bcp ! I was the same bcp with my FWB that I was w xh and well ... FWB and I had a whole lot of sex w a whole lot of meaningless football on

[Deleted]

You've gotten some good advice! I'll just reiterate to do what makes you comfortable. If you click with someone and have an attraction, you'll know if you're ready. Have fun. You set your limits and make your rules. It is different when you're younger and have been with only a couple of partners. Once you're actually actively dating as an adult, it's different. Get condoms and use them!

[mysterons]

I accept that I'm taking a risk when I'm having sex with new people. I use condoms - there are guys who will try to have sex with you without them so watch out for them. I get tested regularly. I'm not too worried about getting pregnant anymore, but that's unique to me.

Enjoy this newly found freedom to explore sex with new partners. It's a lot of fun.

[Deleted]

Oct 28, 2015 9:19:05 GMT -5 TR said:

Here it is! That was easy: markmanson.net/std-guide

I love this article.  Thanks for sharing.  It really puts things in a good perspective.