Post by picksthemusic on Nov 5, 2015 11:39:08 GMT -5
I'm pretty much fuming today. DH I think is trying to think of a good way to discuss it with his mom without upsetting anyone. I told him last night that I was pissed and that he needs to back me up on this, and I could tell he was at war with himself. It's evidence of a bigger issue at hand (the hair really isn't the issue here), and that's his inability to stand up to his mother in defense of me/my feelings about things. His initial reaction was for me to 'just get over it', and I was only speaking when spoken to for the rest of the evening, and went to bed early.
I'm thinking this is the thing that tips me over the edge to take us to counseling.
My MIL cut SST's hair when she was 2. And when I say cut, I mean she cut it ALL off. It was shoulder length and when we came to pick her up the next morning, it was cropped like a boy's. I was livid. Bonus: it was Mother's Day. Then I had to sit through brunch with her and be polite. I don't think I said three words the entire time. It took about 2-3 years for it to grow all the way back.
I have since forgiven her but I do not trust her not to pull that shit again. Fortunately, she lives far enough away and is old, so she doesn't have enough time alone with the kids to be able to do something like that again.
Nope. Nope. Nope.
I'm livid thinking about this. I would have canceled our plans and done something different. And I would not say words with her for a long, long time.
I'm pretty much fuming today. DH I think is trying to think of a good way to discuss it with his mom without upsetting anyone. I told him last night that I was pissed and that he needs to back me up on this, and I could tell he was at war with himself. It's evidence of a bigger issue at hand (the hair really isn't the issue here), and that's his inability to stand up to his mother in defense of me/my feelings about things. His initial reaction was for me to 'just get over it', and I was only speaking when spoken to for the rest of the evening, and went to bed early.
I'm thinking this is the thing that tips me over the edge to take us to counseling.
This is unacceptable.
I say this as someone who has a husband who thinks he needs to appease both me and his family. I'm livid for you.
Not that I'd ever be in this position, but this is something that wouldn't have occurred to me prior to this board. It's hair. It grows.
But I do get that it is a boundary issue.
My neighbor, close friend, has a child who's nearly 2, and she won't cut his hair yet. It kinda makes me laugh. She's lucky she doesn't have any ILs nearby.
I'm pretty much fuming today. DH I think is trying to think of a good way to discuss it with his mom without upsetting anyone. I told him last night that I was pissed and that he needs to back me up on this, and I could tell he was at war with himself. It's evidence of a bigger issue at hand (the hair really isn't the issue here), and that's his inability to stand up to his mother in defense of me/my feelings about things. His initial reaction was for me to 'just get over it', and I was only speaking when spoken to for the rest of the evening, and went to bed early.
I'm thinking this is the thing that tips me over the edge to take us to counseling.
Honestly, issues like this did take us to counseling. It took an unbiased third party saying "That's not normal or ok. You are a grown up" for dh to realize that his family was out of line. We are much happier now that I don't resent them or him and he doesn't just automatically take their side.
Nothing to add about the hair that hasn't been said, I'm team pissed. I've had similar issues with a SIL giving my kids food. Last Halloween three of my SILs were visiting and I found one of them sneaking the boys (16 months at the time) candy. 1) they had never had candy before 2) BoyB was being tested for peanut allergies and 3) ask before giving someone else's child food. At first DW didn't understand why I was so upset but eventually got that it felt like SIL wasn't respecting us a parents.
I'm pretty much fuming today. DH I think is trying to think of a good way to discuss it with his mom without upsetting anyone. I told him last night that I was pissed and that he needs to back me up on this, and I could tell he was at war with himself. It's evidence of a bigger issue at hand (the hair really isn't the issue here), and that's his inability to stand up to his mother in defense of me/my feelings about things. His initial reaction was for me to 'just get over it', and I was only speaking when spoken to for the rest of the evening, and went to bed early.
I'm thinking this is the thing that tips me over the edge to take us to counseling.
Honestly, issues like this did take us to counseling. It took an unbiased third party saying "That's not normal or ok. You are a grown up" for dh to realize that his family was out of line. We are much happier now that I don't resent them or him and he doesn't just automatically take their side.
I was the offender in this situation when DH and I were first dating. It was a problem until a few years in to our marriage, and then for various reasons I finally stepped away. It took my mom and I not speaking for many months, counseling on my part and ongoing psychotherapy and medication for us to get to a good place. Counseling is a GREAT idea.
Meh. The whole Nestian philosophy that an H needs to stand up to his overbearing mom in defense of the wife is nice pie in the sky sentiment. Sometimes men have a hard time standing up to their overbearing moms. Sometimes it's cowardice. Sometimes it's obtuseness. Sometimes it's signs of a bigger problem. Sometimes it really isn't. But why should a wife suffer her MILs wrath while waiting for her H to get his act together? Why does she need to wait to be rescued by her H? I say take charge ladies. Your MIL pulls a fast one? Call her out! She chops off your DS's hair? Call her out! Don't wait for your H to get on board.
When my MIL told me she didn't like one of our baby names I straight up told her that wasn't a very nice thing to tell someone. Fuck that I'm going to sit around and wait for maybe my H to tell her to buzz off. He rarely does this anyway. Saint Mom and all that. I'm choosing my own battles.
Meh. The whole Nestian philosophy that an H needs to stand up to his overbearing mom in defense of the wife is nice pie in the sky sentiment. Sometimes men have a hard time standing up to their overbearing moms. Sometimes it's cowardice. Sometimes it's obtuseness. Sometimes it's signs of a bigger problem. Sometimes it really isn't. But why should a wife suffer her MILs wrath while waiting for her H to get his act together? Why does she need to wait to be rescued by her H? I say take charge ladies. Your MIL pulls a fast one? Call her out! She chops off your DS's hair? Call her out! Don't wait for your H to get on board.
When my MIL told me she didn't like one of our baby names I straight up told her that wasn't a very nice thing to tell someone. Fuck that I'm going to sit around and wait for maybe my H to tell her to buzz off. He rarely does this anyway. Saint Mom and all that. I'm choosing my own battles.
I agree depending on what it actually is. In this case, I think both of them should tell at MIL.
When my MIL told DH behind my back that I'm controlling... he deals with that ish.
Post by speckledfrog on Nov 5, 2015 14:57:05 GMT -5
Of course it's not about the hair. I don't think there is anything wrong with this being the spark that gets you into counseling to help your relationship. I also agree that it's a-okay for you to put his mom in her place now because he'll certainly have a chance to do it himself in the future.
Meh. The whole Nestian philosophy that an H needs to stand up to his overbearing mom in defense of the wife is nice pie in the sky sentiment. Sometimes men have a hard time standing up to their overbearing moms. Sometimes it's cowardice. Sometimes it's obtuseness. Sometimes it's signs of a bigger problem. Sometimes it really isn't. But why should a wife suffer her MILs wrath while waiting for her H to get his act together? Why does she need to wait to be rescued by her H? I say take charge ladies. Your MIL pulls a fast one? Call her out! She chops off your DS's hair? Call her out! Don't wait for your H to get on board.
When my MIL told me she didn't like one of our baby names I straight up told her that wasn't a very nice thing to tell someone. Fuck that I'm going to sit around and wait for maybe my H to tell her to buzz off. He rarely does this anyway. Saint Mom and all that. I'm choosing my own battles.
If the H isn't standing up to his mom, I'd be worried he'd feel the need to defend his mom if the wife called her out.
Overall I think having H deal with his own mom is just another case of appropriate boundaries, and the making the appropriate person to establish them. It's not my job to be the bad guy. She's your mom, you get to deal with it. It keeps your relationship (or maybe this is just mine) with your in-laws simple and straightforward, and leaves no confusion and no room for MIL to say, "Well DIL is making my poor son do this or that". The same goes for me. I won't stand by and let H take a beating from my parents, I speak up, and I tell them what will and won't be tolerated. Though I'll be the first to admit I have little to no sympathy for whatever reason makes a grown adult unable or unwilling to stand up to their own parents and help set the tone for the relationship. If you haven't graduated adulting 101, I don't have time for your silly antics.
Post by picksthemusic on Nov 5, 2015 16:48:57 GMT -5
DH and I are going to have a talk in the car on the way home because this whole mess has made me have RBF all day and my fellow employees think I'm pissed at them.
If he's not going to be willing to bring it up with me, then I'm going to do it myself. It needs to be addressed.
ETA: I think the thing that makes me upset outside of DH's inability to care about my feelings, is that MIL didn't even bother to TELL ME. Like, am I stupid? Do you think I don't know my own child's every inch? Sure, you'll tell me that he had a rash around his rectum and you put Desitin on it, but you can't say that you trimmed his bangs? Oh, it's because you KNOW I would hand you your ass about it, but then have to act like it was 'just a little bit', or 'oh, it was in his eyes', or whatever. NO. No, ma'am.
Overall I think having H deal with his own mom is just another case of appropriate boundaries, and the making the appropriate person to establish them. It's not my job to be the bad guy. She's your mom, you get to deal with it. It keeps your relationship (or maybe this is just mine) with your in-laws simple and straightforward, and leaves no confusion and no room for MIL to say, "Well DIL is making my poor son do this or that". The same goes for me. I won't stand by and let H take a beating from my parents, I speak up, and I tell them what will and won't be tolerated. Though I'll be the first to admit I have little to no sympathy for whatever reason makes a grown adult unable or unwilling to stand up to their own parents and help set the tone for the relationship. If you haven't graduated adulting 101, I don't have time for your silly antics.
This is so black and white and ignores the delicate and unique psychodynamics that can affect a parent and her grown child.
If it was so easy, that men just stand up to their moms, or really any adult child stand up to either parent, I would not have seen a variation on this same thread pop up time and time again over all my years on these boards.
Why don't men stand up to their moms? Ask 10 men and you may get 10 different responses. I know for my H I think he views his mom as helpless because of her health and financial resources and other socioeconomic and cultural factors and as such she is largely harmless. She's also the woman that raised him w/out much support from her absent H so she gets gold star appreciation status from him (and rightly so). So he picks his battles carefully with her. This is just the unique relationship my H has with his mom. I'm guessing there are a lot of similarly situated sons out there with their own psychodynamic issues with their mothers.
Me? I don't have these deepseeded issues with her so I have no probelm just putting it out there that I don't care for this comment or that dig. If I had to wait for H to work through his "mom issues", well my blood pressure may never recover. Lol.
That's why I say: just take the bull by the damn horns.
I'm sorry. My MIL did the same thing earlier this summer when DD was 17 months old. I posted it over on MMM. It was a pretty bad chop job on her bangs. I had to even it out and it's finally all grown out now. My husband yelled at her for doing it without asking permission from either of us so I never confronted her about it. At the time I thought I would never leave DD with her alone again, but she is watching DD as I write this while I am away on a CE course. I've just learned to let things go and trust that if I come home and DD is alive and happy then I can't really ask for much more (but it took me a loooooong time to get to this point.)
Meh. The whole Nestian philosophy that an H needs to stand up to his overbearing mom in defense of the wife is nice pie in the sky sentiment. Sometimes men have a hard time standing up to their overbearing moms. Sometimes it's cowardice. Sometimes it's obtuseness. Sometimes it's signs of a bigger problem. Sometimes it really isn't. But why should a wife suffer her MILs wrath while waiting for her H to get his act together? Why does she need to wait to be rescued by her H? I say take charge ladies. Your MIL pulls a fast one? Call her out! She chops off your DS's hair? Call her out! Don't wait for your H to get on board.
When my MIL told me she didn't like one of our baby names I straight up told her that wasn't a very nice thing to tell someone. Fuck that I'm going to sit around and wait for maybe my H to tell her to buzz off. He rarely does this anyway. Saint Mom and all that. I'm choosing my own battles.
Also it's immensely satisfying to just let it out. Whenever my H plays go between, I get annoyed because he doesn't say it right or is too nice because doesn't have a temper like I do. Sometimes he's fine, but if it's something I am more upset about, letting him handle it causes me to stew in my rage longer. It really has little to do with his relationship with his mom - it's our personalities. I am straight up combative and like a dog with a bone whereas he is like "hey this isn't cool" and then tires of the discussion and is like "yeah whatever." Unacceptable! I won't stand for this injustice. Lol.
Lest anyone think I battle with my MIL on the regular, I don't. I barely engage her at this point 13 years into our relationship, but I also don't avoid things anymore either. She was washing dishes at my house with a muthafucking men's XL white t-shirt because she likes dish rags and I have a dish brush. So I threw it away because it was a sopping mess on my counter top. When she asked about it, she initially blamed my BIL and I was like "nope it was me. It was disgusting dripping all over my counter and I couldn't figure out why anyone would do that so I threw it out. We have a dish brush. If you insist on doing dishes instead of using our functioning dishwasher, use that."
The alternative example is last week she criticized my 9yo's new haircut because she is a rude bitch. I wasn't there when it happened so my husband just rolled his eyes. I'm still mad about it a week later because fuck her. First of all, her hair is actually hideous so she has no room to say shit. Second of all, he's 9 and her grandchild. She doesn't need to comment negatively on his appearance. She does it to her own kids (full of criticism) and I've always said she will never do that to my kids. When I went wedding dress shopping with her and her daughter she legit told her daughter she looked hideous in a dress because she didn't like it. She actually looked lovely but it wasn't a dress MIL (who has shit taste) liked so she said my SIL looked fat and hideous. Anyway I'm still ticked about it and wish I had been there because I would have put her in her place.
Meh. The whole Nestian philosophy that an H needs to stand up to his overbearing mom in defense of the wife is nice pie in the sky sentiment. Sometimes men have a hard time standing up to their overbearing moms. Sometimes it's cowardice. Sometimes it's obtuseness. Sometimes it's signs of a bigger problem. Sometimes it really isn't. But why should a wife suffer her MILs wrath while waiting for her H to get his act together? Why does she need to wait to be rescued by her H? I say take charge ladies. Your MIL pulls a fast one? Call her out! She chops off your DS's hair? Call her out! Don't wait for your H to get on board.
When my MIL told me she didn't like one of our baby names I straight up told her that wasn't a very nice thing to tell someone. Fuck that I'm going to sit around and wait for maybe my H to tell her to buzz off. He rarely does this anyway. Saint Mom and all that. I'm choosing my own battles.
Sometimes, this can make things worse. My friend didn't even really tell her MIL that much and her MIL went to her husband like A) she and I are not the same age; and B) she does not know me like that. In some cases, that just won't play well. I'm of the opinion that the child of the parent should be the one to handle any conflict resolution because sometimes, resolving conflict involves adding more conflict to the situation first, and the relationship which can often best absorb the tension is the parent-child. No matter what my husband says to MIL, she is going to think the sun rises and sets on him and no matter what I say, she is going to side eye the hell out of it. There's no point in me going into battle, especially because our relationship is fragile. OP's DH should say something to his mother about what she does what his child. No use in OP getting her relationship with her MIL bloodied and bruised.
Also, I have had success when I insist DH get his mother together. He knows better than anyone that it would not be good for me to do it. Not pie in the sky, it's how we roll, which is why I suggest it.
I'm sorry. My MIL did the same thing earlier this summer when DD was 17 months old. I posted it over on MMM. It was a pretty bad chop job on her bangs. I had to even it out and it's finally all grown out now. My husband yelled at her for doing it without asking permission from either of us so I never confronted her about it. At the time I thought I would never leave DD with her alone again, but she is watching DD as I write this while I am away on a CE course. I've just learned to let things go and trust that if I come home and DD is alive and happy then I can't really ask for much more (but it took me a loooooong time to get to this point.)
For the most part, this is where I am. If the kids are alive and happy when I get back, I'm good. 99% of the time, their decisions are good and the kids have fun and we're all happy. They've done things in the past that I haven't approved of, and we called them on it, and they know that I'm kind of strict. Which I'm sure is part of the reason why she didn't tell me and hoped I wouldn't notice (they think I'm too strict for a lot of things).
But this crossed a line I'm not willing to be okay with.
Post by earlgreyhot on Nov 5, 2015 19:46:50 GMT -5
I think it's a major beach of boundary, but forgivable (unlike ttt's MIL in which I am still in shock over...).
Is there a way you could say with DH present "Martha, we noticed the haircut. His first haircut was a milestone we were looking forward to and are disappointment that you took it did it without us. Please ask us before you make decisions like that again."
I'm sorry. My MIL did the same thing earlier this summer when DD was 17 months old. I posted it over on MMM. It was a pretty bad chop job on her bangs. I had to even it out and it's finally all grown out now. My husband yelled at her for doing it without asking permission from either of us so I never confronted her about it. At the time I thought I would never leave DD with her alone again, but she is watching DD as I write this while I am away on a CE course. I've just learned to let things go and trust that if I come home and DD is alive and happy then I can't really ask for much more (but it took me a loooooong time to get to this point.)
For the most part, this is where I am. If the kids are alive and happy when I get back, I'm good. 99% of the time, their decisions are good and the kids have fun and we're all happy. They've done things in the past that I haven't approved of, and we called them on it, and they know that I'm kind of strict. Which I'm sure is part of the reason why she didn't tell me and hoped I wouldn't notice (they think I'm too strict for a lot of things).
But this crossed a line I'm not willing to be okay with.
I get it. I'm sure my MIL will do more stupid things in the future which will have to be dealt with. Though before I left today, she showed me a box of washable markers she got for DD before giving them to her. We don't give DD markers because she makes a mess and we don't feel like watching her like a hawk to make sure she doesn't color her teeth. Last time she came, she gave DD markers I had moved out reach and DD made an obvious mess. My husband thought DD found them because I had not hid them well and I was like "um I didn't give them to her." MIL watched the whole exchange and didn't once peep up that she gave them to her. She sucks. She's been deceptive for years even before DD came along. But I have stopped caring.
Post by sweetcheeks on Nov 5, 2015 20:53:59 GMT -5
Team pissed. You need to set boundries now. My MIL had my daughter's ears pierced without any prior discussion. Hell, she didn't even tell me herself. Both my daughters were spending the weekend with her and FIL. I called the girls to talk to them and while my 5 year old is on the phone with me, I can hear my older daughter excitedly saying "tell Mommy, tell Mommy". In a quivering voice, my 5 year old says "I got my ears pierced" and then started sobbing. I was livid and let my MIL know she was never to do anything like that again without discussing with me first.
Meh. The whole Nestian philosophy that an H needs to stand up to his overbearing mom in defense of the wife is nice pie in the sky sentiment. Sometimes men have a hard time standing up to their overbearing moms. Sometimes it's cowardice. Sometimes it's obtuseness. Sometimes it's signs of a bigger problem. Sometimes it really isn't. But why should a wife suffer her MILs wrath while waiting for her H to get his act together? Why does she need to wait to be rescued by her H? I say take charge ladies. Your MIL pulls a fast one? Call her out! She chops off your DS's hair? Call her out! Don't wait for your H to get on board.
When my MIL told me she didn't like one of our baby names I straight up told her that wasn't a very nice thing to tell someone. Fuck that I'm going to sit around and wait for maybe my H to tell her to buzz off. He rarely does this anyway. Saint Mom and all that. I'm choosing my own battles.
I think the H needs to say something when we're talking things that aren't necessarily personal. Like the husband should be the one to tell his mother you guys aren't staying at her house over the holidays. It's not place as the person who is not her child to tell a woman that her house isn't fit for company and no. Same thing with telling MIL she isn't coming in the hospital room while DIL is in labor, she can't invite 87 of her friends to the wedding or other such joint decisions.
But when your MIL does something that offends you personally, you owe it to yourself as a person with their own thoughts and ideas to tell your mother in law you don't like it. For one, it avoids MIL deciding you don't really mean it. And two, it makes sure your husband isn't put in the position of speaking for you.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. We are past any official first hair cut already with DS. He's been to the hair stylist twice and I gave him a few trims before that. I think our babies are similarly aged?? So now ironically I'd probably be thrilled if any of our parents tried to fix the choppiness of his cuts since he is wiggy for the stylist. BUT, those were all my decisions and I was mentally ready for them- big difference I think. Anyway, I hope you can properly address it with her and set the tone for future issues.
Team pissed. You need to set boundries now. My MIL had my daughter's ears pierced without any prior discussion. Hell, she didn't even tell me herself. Both my daughters were spending the weekend with her and FIL. I called the girls to talk to them and while my 5 year old is on the phone with me, I can hear my older daughter excitedly saying "tell Mommy, tell Mommy". In a quivering voice, my 5 year old says "I got my ears pierced" and then started sobbing. I was livid and let my MIL know she was never to do anything like that again without discussing with me first.
I would be livid about this!
To OP, she was out of line and needs to be told this, by you or your H. These types of decisions are not for her to make, if she has a concern/issue/simple solution she should ask about it rather than doing whatever the fuck she wants. Re: H issues, counseling may be helpful, sometimes it's nice to have an outside perspective.
My MIL cut DD's bangs when I was intentionally growing them out, I would have been pissed if it was the first haircut.
Team pissed. You need to set boundries now. My MIL had my daughter's ears pierced without any prior discussion. Hell, she didn't even tell me herself. Both my daughters were spending the weekend with her and FIL. I called the girls to talk to them and while my 5 year old is on the phone with me, I can hear my older daughter excitedly saying "tell Mommy, tell Mommy". In a quivering voice, my 5 year old says "I got my ears pierced" and then started sobbing. I was livid and let my MIL know she was never to do anything like that again without discussing with me first.