NSOR: Experience with family/friend dementia

[abcdefu]

I am so heartbroken. My grandfather lives 900 miles one way from me. I just found out that he took a turn for the worse with regard to dementia. My mom is currently visiting him, but most of the time he has no idea who she is, why she is there, etc. and he inquires multiple times in a short period of time. The worst part is that my grandmother is in a nursing home and he thinks he did something to put her there. He asks where he is, how he got there, and isn't he married, and where is my wife?

I know that dementia is a terrible illness and while he is 92 and I have had a ton of time with him, I wish I could go visit, but I am in no condition to travel.

Does anyone have any experience with this? What did you do to help cope with this? My other set of grandparents died suddenly (heart attacks), so I never saw them dying slowly.

 

[1confused1]

So many hugs.

My grandmother is in the throws of Alzheimer's and it's very sad.

Honestly, the only way to deal with it is to remember them before the dementia started. My grandmother has no idea who I am or who my kids are, we don't visit her all that often because it is confusing for everyone. There is nothing you can do to change the situation so you just need to remember the good times.

[bl]

I'm sorry you're going through this, lots of hugs. My grandmother had it pretty bad the last few years before she passed. It was hard to continue visiting, but we did so until the visits caused huge setbacks in her mood and stability. I wish I had better tips for coping with it .

[Deleted]

I'm so sorry. My grandma had it when I was very young. I don't have any specific advice just big hugs and always an ear to listen.

[abcdefu]

Thanks ladies! I just feel like I'm being forced to deal with all of these terrible things at the same time. I know that it is just part of being an adult, but it feels so overwhelming.

One of my favorite memories of my grandfather is when I took him to a world series game. It was just the two of us, my favorite team v. his favorite team. None of my pictures from that night came out. Then a couple years later, I discovered that the team's website keeps old pictures. I went through thousands and thousands of pictures and finally found ours! I spent $40 on one 8X10 picture, just so I can have it. I framed it and it's on display in my office. It is by far my favorite memory since he (and my other grandfather) were huge baseball fans and got me interested. It just makes me sad that he doesn't remember that day

[abcdefu]

@32flavors- He's in a safe environment.He's living with my aunt and uncle. He has a home nurse. As soon as my grandmother gets moved from the rehab wing into long term care, they will be together in the home. My aunt and uncle will be there as much as they can since they are local, as well as my mom and other uncle taking frequent trips to relieve my aunt and uncle so they don't get burnt out.

While I wish I could visit and/or facetime with him, I do not want to confuse him. It would be so selfish of me to do that.

[bg]

My grandfather had Alzheimer's too. Like the others, no real advice. It's really hard on everyone involved. It's great that you have the wonderful picture and memory(ies) of your times with him.

[winecat]

My 'adopted' grandmother had dementia for the last 10 or so years of her life. I went to go see her 8 years ago. Her son told me that she probably wouldn't remember me. I went anyway and hoped for the best. She was known for one particular dish and she and I made it together all the time when I was a kid. I'm pretty sure that it helped her remember who I was because it brought back old memories. We repeated the same conversation about the dumplings a couple of times but that was okay with me because I got to relive the good memories with her again during that visit. I feel so guilty for not visiting her again but I guess it probably wouldn't have been a good thing. I miss her so much.

I'm so sorry. It's sad and difficult for everyone.

[prettyinpearls]

I lost my grandma to Alzheimer's two years ago and it was awful. I lived close enough that I could visit once in a while, but I stopped going when things took a turn for the worse. She was refusing to eat and basically was wasting away to nothing. I know she wouldn't want me to see her like that (she was a very modest person) and I wanted to respect what I assume would be her wishes. That thought alone has helped me cope with her loss. (My parents visited her often up until the very end)

I think back to fond memories of her and remember how much she loved all of us grandkids. My parents have a framed photo of her and my grandpa and one day DS2 randomly brought the picture to me and said "Grandma! Grandma!" He was a newborn when she passed away, so I'm convinced she still visits us from time to time and that comforts me.

[Deleted]

((abcdefu))  It's so hard.  My grandmother had dementia.  She passed away 2 years ago at the age of 95, but for the last 5+ years of her life she wasn't right.  She had moments of lucidity up until a year before she passed, but she was mostly asleep and very confused.  She knew me 95% of the time up until about a year before she died.  

It is very hard to watch someone fade from a strong, witty person into a shell of a person that used to be.  If you need to talk feel free to PM me.  My Nana was my BFF and watching her decline was rough.  But after she passed away, i came to terms with it in a short time.  I realized that she lived a long life and the person she became was not what she would have wanted to be.  She would have been so pissed that she was confused!