I'm just going to respond to this part. Maybe because you've already figured out how to outsource a lot of stuff this won't be as big a deal, but to expand on what I've been experiencing -- adding a third person to your life just, for me, seemed to exponentially increase the to-do list and the things you have to constantly keep track of/plan for mentally. DH and I actually split things fairly evenly, and I still feel resentful, because we can do 50-50, but there's still 150% to do. Because even though he's doing bedtime and bath time tonight, I'm not getting a break, I'm cleaning up dinner and running the vacuum (didn't I just do that last weekend, why is it already time to do it again? Oh right, because this little person gets things messy daily and I let it slide last night because I was trying to finish up something for work after kid went to bed).
Because on Friday night I'm already spinning my mental wheels thinking what's the weather going to be this weekend and will taking DS to Target be enough to occupy him between breakfast and lunch on Saturday or do I need to plan to go to the park with the train slide (again *yawn*). And do we have enough milk for the weekend or do I need to find some time to go to the store. And it's close to Christmas so what gifts to I need to pick up for the daycare teachers. All the things that are not and will never be on DH's radar and that I can't relax until they're taken care of and space is made in my brain.
No I don't think we have solved it, and it's probably my #1 reservation. There is only so much that can be outsourced, and I know with certainty that DH can never be trained to think of these things that need to be thought of--that is still my job now, and it's really hard to do traveling as much as I do for work. A child would make it infinitely worse. There is only so much that can be task-rabbited or amazon primed, and we may already be bumping up against that boundary.
To this I will say, and I am a SAHM, that your DH may get better. We were married five years before I got pregnant and my DH is finally starting to think about the impact things have on my to-so list.
For example, he worked late last night getting home around 10:30 and was going upstairs with cookies. He brought them back down a few minutes later stating he would eat them in the kitchen because he knew he would leave crumbs and that would create more work for me. Having a child has helped us appreciate each other more and be more helpful towards the other.
I do think your point is valid, but not all changes are negative.
I was always in the no camp, and eventually moved to the maybe, and extremely quickly to the yes.
Basically I (we) felt there was more top life than what we have now and was drawn to the idea of teaching a mini me. But what really tipped me over and made me really "get it" was the idea of having a family. I could understand and comprehend that idea much easier than the idea of kids.
I'm still scared, I won't lie. But we officially have one cycle of trying under our belts. Despite being in the no camp for so long, I'm surprisingly neurotic and invested in the TTC process. I figured I'd be way more chill...nope!
I was always in the no camp, and eventually moved to the maybe, and extremely quickly to the yes.
Basically I (we) felt there was more top life than what we have now and was drawn to the idea of teaching a mini me. But what really tipped me over and made me really "get it" was the idea of having a family. I could understand and comprehend that idea much easier than the idea of kids.
I'm still scared, I won't lie. But we officially have one cycle of trying under our belts. Despite being in the no camp for so long, I'm surprisingly neurotic and invested in the TTC process. I figured I'd be way more chill...nope!
I remember you posting on here about it recently. I hope it happens for you very soon! Good luck!
1. Most of our ambivalence was around the baby/toddler/small child phase. When we looked out 10-20 years we wanted more family in our lives. I wanted the adventure vs more years of the same routine (we could have done amazing things with more child-free years, but we weren't). We kind of bit the bullet on the short term stuff for long term payoff.
2. How enjoyable it's been. As a result of #1 we had SUPER low expectations for these first few years, so the good stuff has been all gravy. Also, time moves at lightning speed and you forget what normal was 3 months ago. So I expected things to be rough for a few years and then go back to normal. What happened was rough started to feel like normal, and now that we're on the upswing it's like Christmas morning.
3. I might be an outlier in that my career has taken off through my pregnancies/ML etc. I got a raise during my first pregnancy and I'm now making double what I was when I first got pregnant. I have a rock of a partner who has every other Friday off, and a flexible work place. If and when I have extra work, I go home for dinner/bedtime and then catch up. I do feel like I was kind of treading water before and now that I'm making a conscious choice to do work outside the home I'm more deliberate in my career, if that makes sense. Obviously not saying only mothers are deliberate, that's just the way it worked for me (I was still coming out of a quarter life crisis previously). Also, in a weird way learning to manage and scale at work has helped me manage home.
4. We've gotten closer, definitely. Our first was in the NICU for 5 days and H fiercely protected us and that time definitely solidified our new family unit vs our families of origin. We had a pretty strong partnership before and that has been instrumental to staying strong through the chaos.
5. Mostly #2. That I would enjoy these small people. And that their impact on my life would be immensely improved by their presence, despite the hard work.