The thread where we bitch about our families & holidays

[2curlydogs]

My ILs are being...themselves.

Four years ago my FIL and I had a massive fight. Among other things, he and MIL were complaining about how my family monopolizes Christmas (my father's birthday is the 24th). And also how they wanted to not buy presents for anyone but B. And I flat out refused on the latter. Absolutely not, no way, were they going to send the message that Christmas is all about HIM and presents. And as for the former, they needed to respect the new dynamic with B (and now S) that we wanted our own Christmas morning as a family and that everyone was going to have to adjust. And that I cannot change the day my dad was born, so too bad, so sad.

He refused to come to B's first birthday as a result. And then sent a very nasty email to my H about how I am a horrible person, etc. etc.

H nearly cut them out completely. 


Anyway, since then there's been an agreement - we settled on celebrating Christmas with them the weekend before. Which has actually been really nice (IMO) because no one is rushed or running around. We also agreed to do a name exchange instead of buying gifts for everyone. That's been the status quo for the last 3 years.


They're now back to whining about how my family monopolizes Christmas. And then they sent an email to just H saying that they're only buying presents for the boys.

H is fighting the good fight, saying that we're not skipping out on Christmas Eve with my family. That Christmas morning we have our own family thing. And Christmas Night isn't an option, so what do they want him to do about it?

And then he told me about the email last night. And then said "We're still bringing presents for everyone. They can be Grinches all they like but I'm not setting that example for my sons."

So.... this should be... interesting.

[wambam]

My H's dad's family are just ridiculous. Everything is so FORCED with them. On holidays in my family and with his mom's family, people are just enjoying themselves - talking, watching sports, playing games, whatever. It's natural and easy and people are allowed to just be. But his dad's side of the family wants to manufacture togetherness. You can't just sit and have a conversation with someone - you have to be wrangled into some kind of pre-planned game or event. It's so obnoxious.

And then when we very obviously prefer my family or his mom's family over them, they lay the guilt on THICK, utilizing "grandma's gonna die someday" as a reason we should drive all over God's green earth every holiday to be with them. Blech.

[RitzyHeifer]

Ugh - great timing for this post. We had the annual argument over purchasing DS's gifts with the ILs last night.

They don't care to shop so they give us a budget (not scrimpy or anything) to buy on their behalf. However if we have the gifts shipped directly to them ahead of time, we're horrible because then they "have" to wrap them. If we bring wrapped gifts with us when we visit, we're horrible because they didn't get to see what they bought him ahead of time. This year, FIL is hell bent on giving DS cash only, not gifts. He's 8. He would appreciate cash but wants at least one gift to open when his younger cousin is opening several, I assure you.

Oh, and the kicker is we always front the money for said budget and they never reimburse us.

One last thing - we started doing gifts only for the kids about 10 years ago when BIL & SIL were in rough times, we felt no reason they should be extending themselves to buy gifts for DH & I. However, MIL & FIL still insist we buy things for them. So it's gifts for the children and the grandparents but no one else. LOL for days.

[wambam]

Dec 10, 2015 9:58:26 GMT -5 RitzyHeifer said:

Oh, and the kicker is we always front the money for said budget and they never reimburse us.

OH HELL NO

[moolarkey]

You can move when you celebrate Christmas with them(which to me is bigger than a birthday) to another weekend but you can't move when you celebrate your dad's birthday to another day, it has to be on the 24th? Interesting. My grandson's birthday is the 24th - his party is this Saturday.

[tacosforlife]

Well, my dad wants money so his church can go "save" a bunch of Crow kids in Montana, so...

I am still not ready to see anyone in my family but my mom. She wants us to come visit, but that means seeing my stepdad. Last year during the Christmas of Doom, he literally did not even speak to us for the last 24 hours we were there. We were ignored when we said good morning. And he took his kids to the shooting range (where else?) but did not invite H or me. It was very much their family Christmas with H and I tagging along.

I just want to stay home and spend it with just the 2 of us, but my ILs would be very hurt because they came up here for Thanksgiving and only live 2.5 hours away. So off we go.

[StrawberryBlondie]

My MIL used to be ridiculous about Christmas but she's chilled recently. We rotate Christmas and Thanksgiving so if we're with his family on Thanksgiving we're with his for Christmas. MIL seriously suggested that we should rotate Thanksgiving and then spend every Christmas with her.

Thankfully, if she still thinks this, she keeps it to herself.

I desperately want to have every third Christmas at home just us. DH looked at me like I ate a kitten when I suggested it.

[wambam]

Dec 10, 2015 10:20:14 GMT -5 StrawberryBlondie said:

I desperately want to have every third Christmas at home just us. DH looked at me like I ate a kitten when I suggested it.

My H have a particular argument every year between Thanksgiving and Christmas. I tell him that we need to stand up for ourselves at least once before we spawn and not do what his dad's family thinks we need to do. Otherwise, we're going to be going to three Christmases in one day WITH an infant in tow. I get a similar kitten eating look.

[ECB]

Dec 10, 2015 10:09:59 GMT -5 moolarkey said:

You can move when you celebrate Christmas with them(which to me is bigger than a birthday) to another weekend but you can't move when you celebrate your dad's birthday to another day, it has to be on the 24th? Interesting. My grandson's birthday is the 24th - his party is this Saturday.

I'm kind of here on the birthday thing myself.  Sorry.  

And also, it's not really your place to dictate how your ILs spend their  money.  If they don't want to buy gifts for everyone, they actually really don't have to.  

I don't want to minimize your overarching issues w/ your ILs, but on these 2 points - I can't entirely get on board.

[ECB]

And why isn't Christmas night an option?

[ECB]

Dec 10, 2015 10:29:56 GMT -5 @licia said:

Dec 10, 2015 10:09:59 GMT -5 moolarkey said:

You can move when you celebrate Christmas with them(which to me is bigger than a birthday) to another weekend but you can't move when you celebrate your dad's birthday to another day, it has to be on the 24th? Interesting. My grandson's birthday is the 24th - his party is this Saturday.

I don't understand this mentality. Why do you want to have to split Christmas day/Christmas eve between all families? I'd much rather have a full Saturday a week before or week after to hang out with family, instead of pissing off a bunch of people because you were running behind or had to leave before x, y, z, etc.  

But I think the point is that the OPs family ALWAYS gets Christmas Eve and for some reason Christmas night also isn't available to see the ILs - so the ILs NEVER get to see them on Christmas.  I fully agree with you- splitting up the day can lead to frustration, etc, and I always support the concept of "the  morning for us only" and then only wanting to do one other thing.

But in this situation, it sounds like it's the ILs who always get another day, never her family.  I'm sorry but I can't fault her ILS for being upset about that.  To some people, celebrating on THE day is important and to never, ever get that?  Kind of sucks.

And she's kind of holding out that because the 24th is her dad's b-day- they HAVE to see him on that day specifically.  But I think most of us realize that you can't always celebrate b-days ON the actual day. 

[wambam]

Dec 10, 2015 10:32:26 GMT -5 @licia said:

Dec 10, 2015 10:25:25 GMT -5 wambam said:

My H have a particular argument every year between Thanksgiving and Christmas. I tell him that we need to stand up for ourselves at least once before we spawn and not do what his dad's family thinks we need to do. Otherwise, we're going to be going to three Christmases in one day WITH an infant in tow. I get a similar kitten eating look.

DO IT. DO IT NOW.

I will be your cheerleader. Christmas at home is the best. THE BEST. 

Granted, I am not the parent of an older child, but I really hope when DD gets to be your age, I can gracefully say, "Have a Merry Christmas, darling. How about we get together some other weekend, since Santa got confused and dropped some presents for you here."

And MY parents?? They are just like that. My mom has always (well, since her personality change in 2012 - another story for another day) said "I love seeing you on holidays, but I will totally understand if you can't make it until the next weekend." My H's parents think that driving all over the place is what holidays are all about. NO. STAHP.

[aurora]

Dec 10, 2015 10:33:57 GMT -5 ECB said:

Dec 10, 2015 10:29:56 GMT -5 @licia said:

I don't understand this mentality. Why do you want to have to split Christmas day/Christmas eve between all families? I'd much rather have a full Saturday a week before or week after to hang out with family, instead of pissing off a bunch of people because you were running behind or had to leave before x, y, z, etc.  

But I think the point is that the OPs family ALWAYS gets Christmas Eve and for some reason Christmas night also isn't available to see the ILs - so the ILs NEVER get to see them on Christmas.  I fully agree with you- splitting up the day can lead to frustration, etc, and I always support the concept of "the  morning for us only" and then only wanting to do one other thing.

But in this situation, it sounds like it's the ILs who always get another day, never her family.  I'm sorry but I can't fault her ILS for being upset about that.  To some people, celebrating on THE day is important and to never, ever get that?  Kind of sucks.

And she's kind of holding out that because the 24th is her dad's b-day- they HAVE to see him on that day specifically.  But I think most of us realize that you can't always celebrate b-days ON the actual day. 

I agree. I think it's pretty shitty to *never* celebrate Christmas with his family. If Christmas can be held the week before, so can dad's birthday on occasion.

(Our families live far enough apart - about 10 hrs of flying - that splitting the day isn't an option, but even though my Dad's birthday is the 21st we absolutely alternate years so that some year's I don't get to hang with Dad. H's family is important to us, too. And that means I don't see my family anywhere near Christmas on H's family's years.)

[Deleted]

Dec 10, 2015 9:58:26 GMT -5 RitzyHeifer said:

Ugh - great timing for this post. We had the annual argument over purchasing DS's gifts with the ILs last night.

They don't care to shop so they give us a budget (not scrimpy or anything) to buy on their behalf. However if we have the gifts shipped directly to them ahead of time, we're horrible because then they "have" to wrap them. If we bring wrapped gifts with us when we visit, we're horrible because they didn't get to see what they bought him ahead of time. This year, FIL is hell bent on giving DS cash only, not gifts. He's 8. He would appreciate cash but wants at least one gift to open when his younger cousin is opening several, I assure you.

Oh, and the kicker is we always front the money for said budget and they never reimburse us.

One last thing - we started doing gifts only for the kids about 10 years ago when BIL & SIL were in rough times, we felt no reason they should be extending themselves to buy gifts for DH & I. However, MIL & FIL still insist we buy things for them. So it's gifts for the children and the grandparents but no one else. LOL for days.

Yeah, you just need to point out they have never reimbursed you, so you'll use your money as you please.

[StrawberryBlondie]

Sorry curly. I'm kind of team inlaws on this one. I get that there's a whole other dynamic at play, but as you've articulates them, their complaints are pretty objectively reasonable.

[2curlydogs]

We have celebrated Christmas with his family in the past.

Christmas night is not an option because that's when SIL and BIL celebrate with his family.

I've detailed all of this in previous posts over the years.

But KOKO making assumptions.

[Deleted]

My FIL and BIL are having an epic fight, so things have been interesting lately. I think FIL said some really mean things to BIL (but BIL is super sensitive so it's hard to say for sure) and FIL is wrong in his assumption about which topic they are fighting.

FIL was all "my granddaughter won't understand why I haven't seen her in so long". I told him to apologize if he wants to see her. And said something along the lines that he needs to say when he thinks his son's making mistakes with his life. No. No you don't. Your son is 35. I just kind of raised an eyebrow after that. Whatever. I will make insincere apologies all day long if it means keeping important people in my life.

My family is either coming to my house or we're going to my sister's in-law's house on Christmas Eve or Christmas. That should be pretty low drama.

[RitzyHeifer]

Dec 10, 2015 10:47:38 GMT -5 @kcpokergal said:

Dec 10, 2015 9:58:26 GMT -5 RitzyHeifer said:

Oh, and the kicker is we always front the money for said budget and they never reimburse us.

Yeah, you just need to point out they have never reimbursed you, so you'll use your money as you please.

Eh - with everything IL-related I just leave it in DH's hands.  He wants to KOKO with how it is so I let it rest.  I finally realized a few years back that whatever I/we do will be wrong so I just do what I please, ignore the rude comments, and move on with my life. 

(Also, this is easy to say because an extra $100 at Christmas isn't a big deal to us - we just budget for it with the rest of DS's gifts that are "from" us)

[ECB]

Dec 10, 2015 10:50:28 GMT -5 2curlydogs said:

We have celebrated Christmas with his family in the past.

Christmas night is not an option because that's when SIL and BIL celebrate with his family.

I've detailed all of this in previous posts over the years.

But KOKO making assumptions.

I will ask - the fact that SIL can't do Christmas night, is it the ILs that therefore wouldn't want to do anything if everyone can't be there, or would seeing you all make them happy?  Who's 'decision' is it, so to speak, that since SIL can't be there, you won't see them either? 

Past that, look, I do get it.  There are clearly other factors at play here.  I do want to respect that.  But, it DOES seem like your family does kind of monopolize Christmas.  As your DH seems to be on board with this, though, then it works for you all.

I do still contend, though, that it's not your place to dictate how your ILs spend their money. And there are many families, that once little kids come along, they actually do turn the focus of gift-giving onto the kids.  I get it that you don't want to teach your kids that it's not all about them, but ONE set of people only buying them gifts probably isn't going to  make them think that.

[mrsukyankee]

Dec 10, 2015 9:58:26 GMT -5 RitzyHeifer said:

Oh, and the kicker is we always front the money for said budget and they never reimburse us.

 However, MIL & FIL still insist we buy things for them. So it's gifts for the children and the grandparents but no one else. LOL for days.

Um. No.  Don't buy the gifts and don't give them gifts.  If they can't be bothered to do anything like this, then they don't deserve any help or gifts.  Nope, nope, nope. But if you want to buy because you don't want your child to be unhappy, then get something very, very small that you would have purchased anyway.  If they complain, then your H has to bring up the non-payment thing. And the fact that no adults are getting gifts.  EVER.  Seriously.  Set boundaries.

[2curlydogs]

Dec 10, 2015 11:06:12 GMT -5 ECB said:

Dec 10, 2015 10:50:28 GMT -5 2curlydogs said:

We have celebrated Christmas with his family in the past.

Christmas night is not an option because that's when SIL and BIL celebrate with his family.

I've detailed all of this in previous posts over the years.

But KOKO making assumptions.

I will ask - the fact that SIL can't do Christmas night, is it the ILs that therefore wouldn't want to do anything if everyone can't be there, or would seeing you all make them happy?  Who's 'decision' is it, so to speak, that since SIL can't be there, you won't see them either? 

Past that, look, I do get it.  There are clearly other factors at play here.  I do want to respect that.  But, it DOES seem like your family does kind of monopolize Christmas.  As your DH seems to be on board with this, though, then it works for you all.

I do still contend, though, that it's not your place to dictate how your ILs spend their money. And there are many families, that once little kids come along, they actually do turn the focus of gift-giving onto the kids.  I get it that you don't want to teach your kids that it's not all about them, but ONE set of people only buying them gifts probably isn't going to  make them think that.

The ILs choose to go up north Christmas Day. They leave around 2 or 3pm. They've done that every year for the last 15(?) years. They go and spend the week. Which, cool. Whatever. We would occasionally join them but we have not gone there (H's decision) since my FIL cussed me out while I was breastfeeding B and called me a bitch in front of my son. Nope.

So. Yeah. A few other factors in play here.

They can spend their money however they want. If they don't want to buy me or their  son/brother anything, that's their choice. But we will still be giving gifts to everyone. I've already purchased an art kit for SIL and some hunting stuff for BIL. H is thinking of getting gift cards for his parents for their gym.

I've spent the morning on the phone with various parishes getting their Christmas mass schedule to see if we can fit something in either Christmas Eve or Christmas morning. I think there's a few options we can fit in so we could either do Christmas Eve brunch or Christmas Day brunch and still make it to Mass.

So. Believe me. I am trying to make it work. But I also just needed to blow off some steam. Because sometimes they just set my teeth on edge.

[ECB]

Dec 10, 2015 11:22:46 GMT -5 2curlydogs said:

Dec 10, 2015 11:06:12 GMT -5 ECB said:

The ILs choose to go up north Christmas Day. They leave around 2 or 3pm. They've done that every year for the last 15(?) years. They go and spend the week. Which, cool. Whatever. We would occasionally join them but we have not gone there (H's decision) since my FIL cussed me out while I was breastfeeding B and called me a bitch in front of my son. Nope.

So. Yeah. A few other factors in play here.

They can spend their money however they want. If they don't want to buy me or their  son/brother anything, that's their choice. But we will still be giving gifts to everyone. I've already purchased an art kit for SIL and some hunting stuff for BIL. H is thinking of getting gift cards for his parents for their gym.

I've spent the morning on the phone with various parishes getting their Christmas mass schedule to see if we can fit something in either Christmas Eve or Christmas morning. I think there's a few options we can fit in so we could either do Christmas Eve brunch or Christmas Day brunch and still make it to Mass.

So. Believe me. I am trying to make it work. But I also just needed to blow off some steam. Because sometimes they just set my teeth on edge.

Seriously- I feel your pain more and more.  And I'm remembering your previous posts too.  The fact that they always go away Christmas afternoon?  well then, that is THEIR choice and has absolutely nothing to do with your family. 

And really- I understand more why you don't really want to bend over backwards for them. 

And the bolded?  What I said earlier is a 2 way street.  You can't make them buy you gifts but they can't make you NOT buy gifts.  For the fact that you want your kids to see that everyone gets something - of course you're going to actually do that. 

Good luck.

[moolarkey]

I think at least some are misunderstanding what I said.

OP said they ALWAYS celebrate Dec 24 at her parents because it is her dad's birthday and she can't change her dad's birthday.

OP said they have, in the past, celebrated Christmas with her inlaws the weekend before. So she CAN change Christmas, not Dad's birthday.

So after I posted this, I see OP added more detail and some of what I said below might not quite still fit but I'm leaving as is to clear up misunderstandings I think others were having about what I said.


OP said Christmas night is out - didn't say why but it's out so they don't see IL then either.

OP said they've chosen to spend Christmas morning at home - I get that, we did too.

My point is - why can she move Christmas with the inlaws but not her dad's birthday? To me Christmas is bigger than dad's birthday.

I think the bigger issue is OP doesn't want to spend time with ILs, she didn't say that so I may be wrong.

Why can't things be alternated? 1 year DAD has his birthday the weekend before so you spend the 24th with ILs and the next year you celebrate Dad's birthday on Christmas Eve and have your IL Christmas the weekend before.

Why are ILs always shunted to the previous weekend? That just doesn't seem fair - unless the issue is OP really doesn't want to spend the holidays with ILs. If this is the real issue, I get that too - I hated spending Christmas with the ILs. I was lucky, older SIL demanded that their family Christmas be the weekend before and her parents caved to, that worked wonderfully for me! But in the interest of fairness, maybe it should be alternated. Dad's an adult, he should be able to celebrate his birthday on a different day.

Also as to who buys presents for whom - how do you know who can afford to spend money on anyone? Who are you (or your H) to declare that everyone buy presents for everyone? You don't get to tell people how to spend their money, even if you KNOW they can afford it.

I don't know if this explanation helps to explain what I was trying to say, I hope so.

[spaghettisquash]

My MIL is hard to shop for. I leave it to my husband as it's his mother and I'm not dealing with it. One year, we bought a new fridge for them but it was not quite right but she'll make do with it. Next year, we replaced the garage door and same comments were made.

Last year, he bought a beautiful Michael Kors purse- her favorite color, style etc. He was really happy to give it to her. She opened it and said that it was OK, but that so and so's daughter bought her a beautiful YSL bag and that every time she looks at that bag, she knows how much her daughter loves her mother. And then she sighed and said I guess I'll have to make do with this purse. Lady, we ain't buying you a $1000 purse.

Can't wait for the comments this year

[DesertMoon]

Dh and I have been married 5 year living in Toronto, we've celebrated every Christmas with them (my parents come here vey Christmas, they live in Detroit) this year magically DH has 4 days off from the 24-27 so we decided to go to Michigan for once to stay with my family for Xmas, mostly because dad can't make it Toronto this year. DHs parents got so angry. They are like you can't take Christmas with out grandkids away oh my gosh how could you. Cmon man you had 5 straight years of it. Not To mention they take Xmas eve and DHs aunt takes Christmas Day. So we said we'd celebrate the 23rd. They're also mad because DHs Bday is the 27th and we'll be in MI for that too. So sad too bad!

[chedifuen]

Families are complicated and sometimes people just want to bitch. Have at it Curly!

[ECB]

Dec 10, 2015 11:30:55 GMT -5 moolarkey said:

 

My point is - why can she move Christmas with the inlaws but not her dad's birthday? To me Christmas is bigger than dad's birthday.

 

I fully agree with you on the birthday thing, as I said before.  But in the OP telling us more, the way I'm reading it is that Christmas Eve is when her family celebrates Christmas.  that's their tradition.  I don't  know if other siblings are in the mix or not, but if they are and if this is when everyone simply knows they'll celebrate (because it's ALSO dad's b-day, so 2 birds w/ one stone) - I actually don't fault her for keeping to this tradition.  To change it up would possibly mean not seeing siblings because they may have their own ILs to balance too. 

Obviously the OP can speak for herself!   This is just how I'm interpreting it.

[Deleted]

We always had Christmas Eve with DH's family and Christmas Day with my family. We started getting worn out with DH's family because they are all about the presents and they're ungrateful dicks. Christmas Eve is also DH's birthday. The last straw was when SIL announced that she was going to host dinner Christmas Day- even though I offered to do it Christmas Eve. So we went to their house on Christmas Day, in a remote area that's not accessible without a 4x4 when it snows, got our car stuck, shoveled it out, and then finally made it to Christmas dinner to realize that she only wanted to host so they could invite their personal friends over. One couple they always hang out with is super fucking creepy, dude was fired for grabbing his coworker's breast and makes really nasty comments about women, as does his son.

But we're the assholes because we refuse to hang out with their loser friends? Mmmmkay.

So now we just go to my parents house. My family is very anti-lots of gifts. So there's no pressure and everyone just has a good time.

[emilyj]

We spend every Thanksgiving with the IL's (it's closer than my family, my family doesn't really do Thanksgiving...several reasons).

My feeling is that if one family gets Thanksgiving, the other should get Christmas. I don't think it's fair one family gets both holidays.

I am alone in my feelings on this. I get that it might not be viewed as fair, but dammit, either is not spending either holiday with my family.

Next year I'm tempted to say that if we don't rotate Thanksgiving, we'll just stay home and do it by ourselves.

[iammalcolmx]

Dec 10, 2015 10:50:03 GMT -5 StrawberryBlondie said:

Sorry curly. I'm kind of team inlaws on this one. I get that there's a whole other dynamic at play, but as you've articulates them, their complaints are pretty objectively reasonable.

FWIW, I don't think there is anything wrong with you coming to this conclusion based solely on what was posted in the OP.