Does anyone need help getting through the holidays

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sober? Please feel free to ask questions, state concerns, vent, etc. We're here for you!

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Hi!

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I think one of the best tips I received when newly sober was to choose what I was going to drink before I went into the event. I would decide to drink a Diet Coke or a tonic water long before I left my house. When I arrived at the party or event I knew what I would be drinking. Took some of the gamble out of choosing a beverage.

Anyone else?

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Make an effort to attend sober get-togethers. I had a Christmas party last night at my house with my home group members and we had a ball. Two of the attendees are newly sober and they were so grateful for the opportunity to see it's 100% possible to have fun while not drinking. We played games, had delicious food and had great fellowship time.

It's been quite some time since I've been apprehensive about going to a drinking party. I do remember letting people know I don't drink anymore--I didn't keep it a secret--and they were very understanding and happy for me. They'd seen what I was like when I was drunk. lol

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Dec 14, 2015 11:09:55 GMT -5 lucybrown said:

These tips are helpful. I am not in recovery, but I have a hard time staying sober at family gatherings because they are full of drunks and stressful. A glass of wine or two helps me relax and cope. At this point, I feel it is important for me to learn how to have fun and manage family/social functions without drinking. It is part of my own journey through counseling and Al Anon. I'm doing really well in many areas, but going back to family sometimes means slips into old behaviors that no longer serve me. DH is 21 days sober and I also want to be supportive for him. If anyone has any tips on how I may be supportive of him, I'd love to hear them.

Ask him what he'd like for you to be supportive of him.  Maybe he'd like you to talk to if Aunt Tillie gets too obnoxious.  Or if screaming little Johnny who wants his gifts NOW!  Also, if things get too stressful for either one of you, it's okay to slip off into a quiet bedroom or the garage to regroup before heading back into the fray.  lol

Has your Al-Anon  group offered any tips?

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Dec 14, 2015 12:37:46 GMT -5 lucybrown said:

Dec 14, 2015 11:57:37 GMT -5 flex said:

Ask him what he'd like for you to be supportive of him.  Maybe he'd like you to talk to if Aunt Tillie gets too obnoxious.  Or if screaming little Johnny who wants his gifts NOW!  Also, if things get too stressful for either one of you, it's okay to slip off into a quiet bedroom or the garage to regroup before heading back into the fray.  lol

Has your Al-Anon  group offered any tips?

Yes and no.  The group has focused more on our learning healthier ways (healthy detachment, boundaries, etc) than how to support the alcoholic in recovery.  I have learned things that have definitely had a positive impact on our relationship, but nothing specific to being supportive of his sobriety.  

I've asked him what my support looks like and he hasn't offered much.  I will ask him about the holidays specifically.  The dynamic in our relationship (related to his drinking) has changed in the past few weeks, so this time around may be very different for both of us in general.  We'll see.  

Does he go to AA meetings?  If so, ask him if his sponsor has any suggestions.

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Dec 14, 2015 14:02:31 GMT -5 lucybrown said:

Dec 14, 2015 13:21:58 GMT -5 flex said:

Does he go to AA meetings?  If so, ask him if his sponsor has any suggestions.

Good idea.  He goes to meetings, but does not have a sponsor.  My concerns about his not having a sponsor aside, he has a core group that he's been attending for years.  There are some guys with many years of sobriety that he connects with.  Maybe they have ideas.

I always enjoy the meetings where people offer tips on how to get through the holidays. Perhaps his group will use that as a meeting topic.  Good for him attending AA. And I'd just ask him to let you know when he's feeling uncomfortable. Like flexie said above. My husband was always supportive, especially in the beginning, when I'd have an abrupt change of mind. Sometimes it wasn't even a thought that I could make into words. He may not have always understood it, but he certainly went along and did whatever he could to help me maintain my sobriety. I think if you ask him how you can help, he'd be so appreciative.

As to your own drinking at holiday get-togethers, sounds like you might have had enough of heavy drinking and general sloppiness. Some people get to be grownups. Maybe you are at that place in life, lucybrown?

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No one is more understanding or helpful to a recovering alkie than other alkies who have time under their belt.

: )

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Dec 14, 2015 9:52:04 GMT -5 flex said:

Make an effort to attend sober get-togethers. I had a Christmas party last night at my house with my home group members and we had a ball. Two of the attendees are newly sober and they were so grateful for the opportunity to see it's 100% possible to have fun while not drinking. We played games, had delicious food and had great fellowship time.

I remember thinking, Huh! SOBER does not equal SOMBER. That was enlightening! It is totally possible to have fun without alcohol, especially when I realized I wasn't creating messes and drama everywhere.

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Dec 14, 2015 14:17:42 GMT -5 @courtneyloves said:

Dec 14, 2015 9:52:04 GMT -5 flex said:

Make an effort to attend sober get-togethers. I had a Christmas party last night at my house with my home group members and we had a ball. Two of the attendees are newly sober and they were so grateful for the opportunity to see it's 100% possible to have fun while not drinking. We played games, had delicious food and had great fellowship time.

I remember thinking, Huh! SOBER does not equal SOMBER. That was enlightening! It is totally possible to have fun without alcohol, especially when I realized I wasn't creating messes and drama everywhere.

We are not a glum lot.  lol

[MixedBerryJam]

My most helpful strategy early on was not thinking about "one day at a time" but taking it a step further, and I literally lived my life in 10- or 15-minute increments. When I was at my most fragile I was pretty sure I could not go one day without a drink, but I was pretty sure I could get to the next quarter-hour. And I just did that over and over and over again. Even now I can't think in terms of never drinking again; I am solidly living one-day-at-a-time.

Also, my computer startup password is recovery-related, so really my first conscious thought every day is about my recovery.

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Dec 15, 2015 6:40:21 GMT -5 MixedBerryJam said:

Also, my computer startup password is recovery-related, so really my first conscious thought every day is about my recovery.

Great idea! I may steal this.

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Dec 16, 2015 11:38:16 GMT -5 lucybrown said:

The secrecy is hard for me. I want to respect his privacy, but staying quiet isn't usually healthy for me. I talk to people about what is going on in my life, for better or worse. He doesn't. Part of my own counseling has been working on speaking up when things aren't quite right. Speaking my truth vs. keeping it down for other people. It's hard for me to constantly look for balance between being a respectful partner and taking care of myself. Our needs are just so different at times.

As I wrote this, I realized that I need support through the holiday season. The last month hasn't been super easy and we're going to have a lot of together time in the next two weeks. I'll make a point to take breaks and find ways to maintain my own sanity. The beach absolutely be great therapy too

You words about secrecy really resonated with me. I guess that is why I am so grateful to have my AA friends. I have a handful of close-mouthed friends who really know me and my story. You mentioned your truth vs. keeping it down for other people. Yes, it is a balance. I would definitely find a couple of trusted friends that you could swear to secrecy and then share with. You could unload your concerns to them. Just a warning, though. They might not quite understand the addiction part, which is why Al-Anon works.  The members of Al-Anon really get it! 

Like I said, I have a few friends who know my story. The rest of the world just gets to see me trying to be the best me I can be.  Something as drastic as announcing it on Facebook just doesn't seem like the right thing to do!  KWIM?  I give a LOT of thought before sharing with "normal" people that I am an alcoholic. There is temptation from time to time to share with normal people, but honestly, most people don't understand that it is a disease. They look at it as a moral failing. Once you really understand the disease part of addiction, it's really similar to dealing with any chronic condition.  Sometimes I feel like I'm living a double life outside of the rooms of AA. 

I hesitate to share with the world, which is one of the reasons AA works for me. If the whole world knew I am an alcoholic and, let's say, I found a cure for cancer...I'd still be "Oh yeah, Courtney, she's that alcoholic who cured cancer, right?"  People don't get it. Does that make sense?

I'd caution you about how much you share, too, because it's not just your story, it's also your husband's story. Wait patiently and give it lots of thought.  You can always PM me. Feel free to post from the beach, too!  Sorry to write a novel!!  (heart)

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lucybrown we are in the same boat. DH doesn't like to talk about it, mainly because he feels like he is burdening me and DS with his issues. He has found support in a SMART recovery group but it's 2 hours away from us, so it's difficult to get to. There are very, very few people who know what is going on. It's hard because I *need* to talk and build up my support system, but DH doesn't want it talked about because he feels that people judge him and see it as a failing, not as a disease. I have a couple very close friends who are great. I didn't find that Al-Anon worked for me though.

We also have a lot of together time in the next 2 weeks-which will be tough. Enjoy the beach!!

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All I can say about spouses being worried about what people think, the judgement is a lot more harsh when they were drunk and acting out, etc. Granted not all practicing alcoholics get super crazy in public, but chances are good that many of the people around them know something's going on.

And also alcoholism is a disease--not a moral failing. Think of it an allergy to shrimp or peanuts. It can't be wished away and certain foods must be avoided, but life goes on. : )