Has your SO ever changed their mind regarding kids?

[darkling_glory]

Ugh. This is hard.

I think you have to figure out what *you* want first. Regardless of what he wants. If it's "no kids" forever and ever that's easy. In theory. He has to decide if that's OK and if it's not... well...

If you decided kids were a maybe if he got his shit together and things were good for X time period what would you do if he got shitty again *after* you had kids and then you had to deal with kids on your own? THAT question would be what would help me decide.

[theatre4life]

I don't feel like you are being dramatic at all. It is such a HUGE, life changing decision, that you need to be sure about, and not in a maybe, kind of sort, I want this just because I don't want to deprive my H way. But in a way that you need to feel confident about. How has the conversation gone previously? Have you guys always been in the never-ever camp, or has he waffled previously?

I do also think recent circumstances are playing a big part in your mind, like Darkling said, what it doesn't stay okay after you have a kid?

I have no real advice, other than to say **big hugs**. It's not an easy conversation.

[glw]

"I would feel guilty for depriving him of something he wanted"

I totally understand this reasoning, and it shows that you care deeply about him. However, if it really is that important to him and living his life without children is a dealbreaker...he will break the deal. Don't make the decision for yourself because of him; if he wants kids more than he wants a life with you, that's his choice to make.

[sapphire bou]

Feb 12, 2016 9:42:19 GMT -5 glw said:

"I would feel guilty for depriving him of something he wanted"

I totally understand this reasoning, and it shows that you care deeply about him. However, if it really is that important to him and living his life without children is a dealbreaker...he will break the deal. Don't make the decision for yourself because of him; if he wants kids more than he wants a life with you, that's his choice to make.

I second this. Take some time to figure out what you truly want. Once you know, it's going to be a tough conversation to have. But you owe it to him to tell him how you truly feel and not give him false hope.

[MyName]

Don't do it unless it's what YOU really want. Most of the work will fall on you, and if things go sour later, it is going to be you that gets custody and has to make most of the sacrifices necessary for the kid to have a good life.

This is really not relevant, but toward the end of my marriage, S did tell me that he always thought we would have kids and we should go ahead and do it. I was honestly more upset about that than anything else he ever did or said. I don't know if it was some last ditch effort to trap me, or he really did want kids, but I flipped out on him worse after he said that than when I found out he cheated on me. Unlike a lot of people, I have always known I did not want kids and have been open and vocal about it. It was like he never really knew me and had lied about being in agreement on the issue, and after that I was totally done.

However, I'm absolutely positive that if he had said that when we were in a good place, I would have had the same reaction. Go with your gut - do not consider his feelings. Like glw said, if it's a dealbreaker for him, he can walk away.

[jennynumbers]

There is nothing I can say that hasn't already be summed up nicely.
If you don't think of your feelings first and do it "just for him and his feelings" then there is the very real chance of resentment later on.

[OrangePixyStix]

This is something I have thought about but luckily not have to dealt with, as my H is more childfree-forever-minded than I am. I can only imagine how hard of a discussion it is to have when the idea isn't shared, and I hope that whatever is decided by either one of you that it's met with a mature and understanding discussion.

Also, just think... that guilt of depriving him of that is probably very small compared to a life of mom-guilt that you will forever deal with if you have a child. Just read some of the posts on ML if you need samples of mom-guilt, as it seems to be an everyday occurrence for just about any reason (big or small), so it doesn't seem like something you would be able to shelf. I think I'd rather take the "sorry I don't want what you want" guilt than the mom-guilt.

[fernweh]

H did this to me a couple years ago. I took some time to think about it and decided that I would not be happy having children. I sat him down and explained to him that I was standing firm (I had told him right after we started dating I didn't want them and he was okay with it)and kids was a deal breaker for me. I know it sounds terrible but I knew I couldn't make the choice to have kids so make him happy. It wouldn't be fair to any of us, least of all the potential children. I knew it would potentially end out marriage which broke my heart (and thankfully it didn't come to that)but in the long run I knew that it would be better for me to be divorced and childless then married with children.