Since TIP doesn't seem too TIPsy

[sharknado]

I left my H on Friday after coming to terms that I was being emotionally abused. Such a hard thing to reconcile. I have anxiety thanks to this wonderful marriage. I packed my bags and hopped a plane. H and I had moved to NC in November away from all of my friends and family. It was so hard to feel, especially taking the kids, but he had started mistreating the kids and I just couldn't do it anymore. I left with an empty bank account $45 and a duffel bag. I am staying with my mom and my family has been so supportive as well as girls from my local Nest (now Pro Boards) board. My biggest struggle now is staying away and not falling back into the cycle. This is the 3rd time I have left, hoping this time sticks. H has BiPolar Disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder. He is blaming my medication for my abrupt departure. I had tried to talk to him about how I was feeling in the last few days before I left, but like always he blew me off.
Just spilling my guts, sorry if it doesn't make much sense.

[cuddlyevil]

{{{{{{{sharknado}}}}}}}}

I am sorry you are going through this. I am proud of you for leaving.

[sharknado]

Apr 13, 2016 20:46:21 GMT -5 cuddlyevil said:

{{{{{{{sharknado }}}}}}}}

I am sorry you are going through this. I am proud of you for leaving.

Thanks, I was going to tag you. I know how hard it was for you to leave your ex.

[jenstar]

Sorry sharknado, my XH was a narc as well, it's a really hard cycle to get out of, so good on you for taking the leap, you will get better every time. I think one of the hardest things is that IME most people don't understand what these people are like so they give bad advice which can make you second guess your decision etc. I found that incredibly difficult.

You are more than welcome to PM me if you need some encouragement. Heaps of hugs x

[sharknado]

Apr 13, 2016 20:59:08 GMT -5 jenstar said:

Sorry sharknado , my XH was a narc as well, it's a really hard cycle to get out of, so good on you for taking the leap, you will get better every time. I think one of the hardest things is that IME most people don't understand what these people are like so they give bad advice which can make you second guess your decision etc. I found that incredibly difficult.

You are more than welcome to PM me if you need some encouragement. Heaps of hugs x

Thank you so much. I told one of my friends today I wish he had just hit me. Even I could reconcile that better than the emotional damage...maybe.

[sharknado]

Apr 13, 2016 21:07:54 GMT -5 mp said:

Hugs. I am so sorry. Make sure to find a good therapist where you're at and start building up that strength.

I'm working on that. Thankfully North Carolina requires my employer continue my health insurance when domestic abuse is involved.

[jenstar]

Apr 13, 2016 21:00:30 GMT -5 sharknado said:

Apr 13, 2016 20:59:08 GMT -5 jenstar said:

Sorry sharknado , my XH was a narc as well, it's a really hard cycle to get out of, so good on you for taking the leap, you will get better every time. I think one of the hardest things is that IME most people don't understand what these people are like so they give bad advice which can make you second guess your decision etc. I found that incredibly difficult.

You are more than welcome to PM me if you need some encouragement. Heaps of hugs x

Thank you so much. I told one of my friends today I wish he had just hit me. Even I could reconcile that better than the emotional damage...maybe.

I found that really hard too, it never felt like there was a legitimate reason to stop trying.. but there definitely was, and it was far and away the best decision for my son, I really didn't want him growing up thinking a dysfunctional relationship like that was normal. Seeing a therapist really helped with the anxiety, although the first 6 or so months I was just on a high from being out on my own again, then it hit me!

[thedutchgirl]

Way to go for leaving and protecting yourself and your children!

My STBX also may be narcissistic. At minimum he's emotional abusive and incredibly manipulative. You will never, ever convince him to see your side or how you feel or that you are doing what is right for you and the kids. You just won't. AND, you can't out manipulate him, so don't even try. Talk to him about logistics or kid stuff or whatever the necessary things of life are. Just don't engage with him any more on the rest. You don't have to rehash with him. You won't convince him he's hurting you and the kids. Just cut that off.

And definitely get into therapy. Many, many good thoughts you way.

[1confused1]

Sorry you are here, but good for you for being so strong to leave.

[sharknado]

Apr 13, 2016 21:17:27 GMT -5 jenstar said:

Apr 13, 2016 21:00:30 GMT -5 sharknado said:

Thank you so much. I told one of my friends today I wish he had just hit me. Even I could reconcile that better than the emotional damage...maybe.

I found that really hard too, it never felt like there was a legitimate reason to stop trying.. but there definitely was, and it was far and away the best decision for my son, I really didn't want him growing up thinking a dysfunctional relationship like that was normal. Seeing a therapist really helped with the anxiety, although the first 6 or so months I was just on a high from being out on my own again, then it hit me!

i have 2 children, a 7 year old girl and a 3 year old boy. He started being insensitive to them and that hurt me more than anything he did to me.

[sharknado]

Apr 13, 2016 21:29:00 GMT -5 thedutchgirl said:

Way to go for leaving and protecting yourself and your children!

My STBX also may be narcissistic. At minimum he's emotional abusive and incredibly manipulative. You will never, ever convince him to see your side or how you feel or that you are doing what is right for you and the kids. You just won't. AND, you can't out manipulate him, so don't even try. Talk to him about logistics or kid stuff or whatever the necessary things of life are. Just don't engage with him any more on the rest. You don't have to rehash with him. You won't convince him he's hurting you and the kids. Just cut that off.

And definitely get into therapy. Many, many good thoughts you way.

This part is so hard.

[sharknado]

Apr 13, 2016 21:32:04 GMT -5 1confused1 said:

Sorry you are here, but good for you for being so strong to leave.

Thank you

[thedutchgirl]

Apr 13, 2016 21:33:43 GMT -5 sharknado said:

Apr 13, 2016 21:29:00 GMT -5 thedutchgirl said:

Way to go for leaving and protecting yourself and your children!

My STBX also may be narcissistic. At minimum he's emotional abusive and incredibly manipulative. You will never, ever convince him to see your side or how you feel or that you are doing what is right for you and the kids. You just won't. AND, you can't out manipulate him, so don't even try. Talk to him about logistics or kid stuff or whatever the necessary things of life are. Just don't engage with him any more on the rest. You don't have to rehash with him. You won't convince him he's hurting you and the kids. Just cut that off.

And definitely get into therapy. Many, many good thoughts you way.

This part is so hard.

I know. Oh boy do I know. When he says things that aren't true or come from a skewed perspective, it is so, so hard to not engage. All you want to do is try to refute the points (or at least I do). But you can't. You won't convince him. And for him, you engaging with him at all is a reward, even if it isn't a nice interaction. If he's anything like my STBX, engaging with you and interactions with you can be like a drug, and a bad interaction is better than none.

As my mom keeps reminding me, just because he says it, doesn't make it true.

[bg]

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Another person checking in with a NPD STBX. I agree with as little contact as possible. Go through lawyers if it makes it easier. The less contact the easier it is to see outside their skewed reality.

[sharknado]

Apr 13, 2016 21:36:36 GMT -5 thedutchgirl said:

Apr 13, 2016 21:33:43 GMT -5 sharknado said:

This part is so hard.

I know. Oh boy do I know. When he says things that aren't true or come from a skewed perspective, it is so, so hard to not engage. All you want to do is try to refute the points (or at least I do). But you can't. You won't convince him. And for him, you engaging with him at all is a reward, even if it isn't a nice interaction. If he's anything like my STBX, engaging with you and interactions with you can be like a drug, and a bad interaction is better than none.

As my mom keeps reminding me, just because he says it, doesn't make it true.

I have been telling him this for years. "Just because you say it doesn't make it true." Thank you for the reminder. Thank you for making me realize I'm not the craziest one.

[cuddlyevil]

Apr 13, 2016 20:51:44 GMT -5 sharknado said:

Apr 13, 2016 20:46:21 GMT -5 cuddlyevil said:

{{{{{{{sharknado }}}}}}}}

I am sorry you are going through this. I am proud of you for leaving.

Thanks, I was going to tag you. I know how hard it was for you to leave your ex.

:-)

It was really hard, but once I told him that I wanted out things started getting better and better. My kids had started to ignore and disrespect me the same way he did, he didn't even realize it until I said something.

It's hard, especially when kids are involved but in the end, their wellbeing is most important.

Feel free to pm me or tag me here if you need to talk.

[sharknado]

Apr 13, 2016 21:40:04 GMT -5 bg said:

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Another person checking in with a NPD STBX. I agree with as little contact as possible. Go through lawyers if it makes it easier. The less contact the easier it is to see outside their skewed reality.

The hard part is I ran off with his two children. The guilt!

[sharknado]

Apr 13, 2016 21:41:28 GMT -5 cuddlyevil said:

Apr 13, 2016 20:51:44 GMT -5 sharknado said:

Thanks, I was going to tag you. I know how hard it was for you to leave your ex.

:-)

It was really hard, but once I told him that I wanted out things started getting better and better. My kids had started to ignore and disrespect me the same way he did, he didn't even realize it until I said something.

It's hard, especially when kids are involved but in the end, their wellbeing is most important.

Feel free to pm me or tag me here if you need to talk.

I'm going to need to be reminded that I did the right thing, not the wrong thing.

[thedutchgirl]

Apr 13, 2016 21:41:06 GMT -5 sharknado said:

Apr 13, 2016 21:36:36 GMT -5 thedutchgirl said:

I know. Oh boy do I know. When he says things that aren't true or come from a skewed perspective, it is so, so hard to not engage. All you want to do is try to refute the points (or at least I do). But you can't. You won't convince him. And for him, you engaging with him at all is a reward, even if it isn't a nice interaction. If he's anything like my STBX, engaging with you and interactions with you can be like a drug, and a bad interaction is better than none.

As my mom keeps reminding me, just because he says it, doesn't make it true.

I have been telling him this for years. "Just because you say it doesn't make it true." Thank you for the reminder. Thank you for making me realize I'm not the craziest one.

You definitely aren't! 

ETA: And you are doing the right thing.

[cuddlyevil]

We can do that. Trust me, you did the right thing. It may not feel like it, but you did.

[jenstar]

Apr 13, 2016 21:41:47 GMT -5 sharknado said:

Apr 13, 2016 21:40:04 GMT -5 bg said:

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Another person checking in with a NPD STBX. I agree with as little contact as possible. Go through lawyers if it makes it easier. The less contact the easier it is to see outside their skewed reality.

The hard part is I ran off with his two children. The guilt!

The thing is, if he's really a narcissist, he isn't capable of truly loving them anyway. The love he gives will always be "off" and conditional, and at some point your kids will notice and they will more than likely blame themselves. In his eyes the kids (and you) are just an extension of him, not individuals, their primary use to him is as narcissistic supply, and they will be better as far away from that as possible. They don't need to be validating their father's existence, they just need space to be kids, and have someone teach them emotional intelligence, because they certainly won't get that from him.

I know it's hard, but you absolutely should not feel guilty about taking them away from that. We still live close to my XH for a few reasons and I am often reminded that there are things I will face in the future with DS that won't be easy and my heart breaks for him. I wish I had picked a better dad for him, but we just have to make the most of what it is now.

[sharknado]

Apr 14, 2016 0:38:29 GMT -5 jenstar said:

Apr 13, 2016 21:41:47 GMT -5 sharknado said:

The hard part is I ran off with his two children. The guilt!

The thing is, if he's really a narcissist, he isn't capable of truly loving them anyway. The love he gives will always be "off" and conditional, and at some point your kids will notice and they will more than likely blame themselves. In his eyes the kids (and you) are just an extension of him, not individuals, their primary use to him is as narcissistic supply, and they will be better as far away from that as possible. They don't need to be validating their father's existence, they just need space to be kids, and have someone teach them emotional intelligence, because they certainly won't get that from him.

I know it's hard, but you absolutely should not feel guilty about taking them away from that. We still live close to my XH for a few reasons and I am often reminded that there are things I will face in the future with DS that won't be easy and my heart breaks for him. I wish I had picked a better dad for him, but we just have to make the most of what it is now.

Wow! A better dad...so much this.

[Linie]

You did the right thing, also for your children. My STBXH was also emotionally and verbally abusive, for years. It's so hard to run away from that. When he slapped me in the face during one of his rants, I took that as a cue that I had to leave the next day. It wasn't because of that slap (which is totally not acceptable), but I used that as a reason for my leaving.

Life has been so much better since, even if at times I feel lonely. Being around people/men who are open and positive and listen to you feels so good!

Hang on and good luck

[bl]

So sorry you're going through this, sounds like you've got some great support, hugs.

[Deleted]

Huge (hugs). Be proud of yourself - for you and your children.

[stephreloaded]

I am sorry you are going through this but this is the best you could have done. When I broke up with the ex, it was because he wasn't emotionally healthy. He never cheated on me, he never wasn't even emotionally abusive and he was a good guy on paper.

It took soo much strength to do it because I was 5 months pregnant at the moment. I kept second guessing my decision every single day. As time went by and DD was born, more stuff happened that made me realize that I had made the right decision but it took me YEARS to get over him.

I would avoid all contact not related to the kids.

[doglove]

Hugs. Yes with emotional abuse and manipulators, I've learned from leaving my own marriage the less information you provide, the less they can turn it around and cycle you back into the abuse. I have a great website I'll send to you in a PM when I get back to the office. Hang in there - you are worth love and respect.

[pinkdutchtulips]

Apr 13, 2016 21:41:47 GMT -5 sharknado said:

Apr 13, 2016 21:40:04 GMT -5 bg said:

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Another person checking in with a NPD STBX. I agree with as little contact as possible. Go through lawyers if it makes it easier. The less contact the easier it is to see outside their skewed reality.

The hard part is I ran off with his two children. The guilt!

I left an emotional/verbal/physically abusive xh w dd and the 2 dogs in tow. Imagine his shock when he came home (from a 3 day jail stint) to find the house 3/4 empty ! Do not feel guilty !!! You're doing the best thing for yourself and your kids to get out of such a toxic environment. People notice a HUGE positive change in dd w/in 2 weeks of leaving - her mood was so much more positive. 

[kirnat848]

I'm sorry you have to go through this, I haven't posted a ton on here but I might start seems like a great group. My ex is a narc and there's really no dealing with it, I stayed way longer than I should have but we do have children together. I have them 100% of the time and he sees them when its best for him. I have been so much less stressed since letting go of him and the cycle that was my everyday life for 10 years.

You're doing what is best for you and your kids and thats all you really can do.

[glitzyglow]

I'm so sorry you are experiencing this, but so proud of you for leaving. <3