Honestly, I would have a very hard time trusting him. For me at least, if you'd rather be out drinking at the bar than with your wife...that's a HUGE RED FLAG. His shit would be on the lawn, fuck putting it in garbage bags, and he would maybe realize then?
Maybe that's just me, but it absolutely seems like you have been with him 15 years too long. Do you really want to have another day where you're miserable ?
Let's not be crazy. I love my husband immensely. And sometimes I'd rather be out drinking at a bar without him.
OP, if this matters enough to you to be truly upset and to put your life decisions on hold, but not enough for you to issue an ultimatum and leave, the only thing left is therapy. We can't help you if you've already explained it hundreds of times and he hasn't changed. He doesn't want to right now.
Just wanted to check in this morning, OP. I hope you're sleeping after a restless night. (A Fri night that was ruined by your thoughtless, self-absorbed H, just to reiterate that point.)
He's never going to change unless you throw down on this, & I hope this thread has shown you how completely unacceptable his behavior is. This crap needs to stop, as it shows how little he cares for your feelings or how he's unconcerned with your (very realistic!) priorities/ wishes to proceed in life. Like A Normal Adult. I'm sickened by the possibility he might hold you back, & really hope you see how much better/ more you deserve!!
You will be so much happier once you've handled this disrespectful BS. (Either by DTMFA or major retraining through counseling) But something needs to happen. Strong feelings/ true love for another person doesn't equate getting rolled over regularly. And I hope you see how unacceptable it is he does this so regularly
Honestly, I would have a very hard time trusting him. For me at least, if you'd rather be out drinking at the bar than with your wife...that's a HUGE RED FLAG. His shit would be on the lawn, fuck putting it in garbage bags, and he would maybe realize then?
Maybe that's just me, but it absolutely seems like you have been with him 15 years too long. Do you really want to have another day where you're miserable ?
Let's not be crazy. I love my husband immensely. And sometimes I'd rather be out drinking at a bar without him.
OP, if this matters enough to you to be truly upset and to put your life decisions on hold, but not enough for you to issue an ultimatum and leave, the only thing left is therapy. We can't help you if you've already explained it hundreds of times and he hasn't changed. He doesn't want to right now.
Oh I completely understand loving someone, but going out without them is very nice too. Idk, the OP made it seem like to me that this is a constant thing and he's acting "single", but pulls this crap one too many times. Or I could have centipede on the brain and be totally wrong (sometimes I am wrong :-P)
Post by Velvetshady on Apr 30, 2016 9:18:55 GMT -5
100 times is at least 98 times too many.
There is no award at the end of your life for being a martyr. Go a head and stay with someone that clearly doesn't respect or love you, just realize the only person being hurt here is you and you are the one allowing it to continue.
Post by starburst604 on Apr 30, 2016 9:24:04 GMT -5
I guess my question is where IS he at 3am? That's what I don't get. Nothing is open, does he have a group of friends that just stay up shooting the shit till sunrise? Sorry if this has been covered before.
Post by sparkythelawyer on Apr 30, 2016 9:27:48 GMT -5
Just because you've swallowed this bullshit for years doesn't mean it's OK or that you should still have to. You are entitled to feel respected in your own marriage.
This has happened probably a hundred times, so it's clearly not worth it to me to leave or issue a relationship ultimatum. Admittedly I know this is part of why we don't have kids and I'm still afraid to buy a house, though. I don't fully trust the man-child not to end up in a hospital because he got hit by a car biking home at 3am or leave me home dealing with a screaming kid while he does whatever the hell he wants.
And this is what you want for the rest of your life? It's not that he's incapable of calling. It's that he's choosing to ignore your (completely appropriate) wishes. He is being incredibly disrespectful, and you are allowing that to continue.
Am I the only one who thinks this reeks of an affair? All of the circumstances are bizarre...
This is the first thing I thought, because my cheating ex pulled this shit all the time.
Same.. I figured I was projecting so wasn't going to go there.
Idk. It's just not cool. Like others said, it's not necessarily the act itself. I initially never cared if my H went out. But there were obviously a lot of issues surrounding it that made it not ok.
100 times over 15 years - not enough to to make you leave. What is it you want from people on here? You've put up with it for 15 years - you aren't changing your reaction, he isn't changing his behavior. Not much anyone on here can offer if you've let this go 15 years and you aren't leaving or changing.
I've been surprised by how serious others think this is - I was just posting to vent & double check that I wasn't crazy. The responses have given me lots to think about - thanks!
For ME, what puts me truly in the camp of "This is a serious issue" is because you said that this is a part of the reason why you don't have kids with him and are afraid to buy a house. I mean... come on. Which is why I said I feel there is more to this than just this one story. But as you live this 24/7, you don't see the bigger picture.
But seriously- think about the fact that THIS ISSUE is keeping you from having kids or buying a house. Those are pretty fricking big decisions to base on this. So yes- it's damn serious.
I guess my question is where IS he at 3am? That's what I don't get. Nothing is open, does he have a group of friends that just stay up shooting the shit till sunrise? Sorry if this has been covered before.
Things are open here, and yeah, all these other guys with good jobs and/or wives and kids also stay out crazy late? Last night it seems he and one friend stayed at the bar until 1ish, then got food till 2, then H went back to his office to get his bike, did some work while sobering up, then came home.
I'm gonna venture to say that you/he have a slightly a different lifestyle than most around here. I've been where you are. I met my H when we were 35 and had both been living the crazy single life. We were both partiers and lived in the city, and it wasn't unusual for us to be out till those hours together or on our own. So I'll say our party years probably stretched out longer than they do for most, and we had similar friends, so I get that angle. We got married and bought a house in the burbs and were TTC and that's when it started to bother me.
My H was also famous for drinking too much and not bothering with his phone and I was famous for the angry profane texts. I knew where he was, who he was with, but it bothered me to think that he was so drunk he could get hurt (or lose his phone/keys/wallet/forget his debit card in a bar - these all happened). Whatever our lifestyle was before, it needed to stop. Fortunately he got it together before I got pregnant and it hasn't been an issue.
Your H is doing it because he's always done it and always gotten away with it. Does he express regret at all? Does he know how and why this is such a problem for you? Does he disrespect your wishes on other things?
*throws my hands up* I'm done here. She doesn't want to come back because she doesn't like what others are inferring about her H. Look, there's plenty of times people have vented about family members, SO's/H's/BF's, but it's like you just don't want to realize that there COULD/NOT be something fishy going on.
But hey, I'm single and not married for 15yrs to some douchewad who would rather get drunk with his buddies, go "back to the office" to sober up (which, wtf?) & then bike rides it home?
My DH used to do this, and it would make me so angry.
He's much better about it now, but it took a while.
Mine used to do this too. And it used to royally piss me off. And the thing is, we both work in the nightlife industry in addition to our day jobs, so late hours come with the territory. That said, I still have my limits and DH knows this. The times I've had to go out without him, not only do I let him know when I'll be home, I text or call if I'll be late for whatever reason. He's had issues extending me the same courtesy, so that was always an issue. That is until I finally lost my shit to the point where I told him to get the fuck out and don't come back. It's a shame that it had to get to that level, but as I said, I have my limits. He still goes out sometimes, mostly for gigs, but he's been much better about coming home at a reasonable hour or at least texting if he'll be late.
OP, the not calling/texting then turning off phone or directing it to VM and lying on top of it about who you are with or where you are - completely unacceptable. It's disrespectful and rude. I don't know if that necessarily means he's cheating but I wouldn't rule it out either. There's nothing wrong with having a night out, but this goes beyond your comfort level when he's staying out all night and your H knows this but doesn't seem to care. That is wrong. It might actually take throwing his shit out for him to get a clue. Not to mention you're holding off on some of your life plans like buying a house or having children - something's gotta give here. It's not fair to you. As others have said maybe counseling would help - whether you go on your own or together for marriage counseling.....
I guess my question is where IS he at 3am? That's what I don't get. Nothing is open, does he have a group of friends that just stay up shooting the shit till sunrise? Sorry if this has been covered before.
Things are open here, and yeah, all these other guys with good jobs and/or wives and kids also stay out crazy late? Last night it seems he and one friend stayed at the bar until 1ish, then got food till 2, then H went back to his office to get his bike, did some work while sobering up, then came home.
You know him best and if you honestly don't think he's having an affair, ok. But you said that this issue is basically preventing you from having kids or buying a house, so affair or not, it's having an incredibly detrimental effect on your life.
You need to figure out if this is how you want to live in the long term, because he clearly gives no fucks.