Name Calling Question

[starrieskies]

So, I was reading through the aprilmaple post, and the name calling thing really stood out to me as this has been a sore spot for H and I for a while, although drastic improvements have been made on his part.

H has always been "careful" (his words, not mine) to say things like "You are being a bitch" rather than "You are a bitch". Of course, in my mind this is not much different, especially in the heat of an argument. However, H will defend himself to the death and say that he has NEVER called me names. He claims he is attacking my behavior by saying using the word "being" rather than "are", and not attacking me.

The logical, unemotional part of me sees his point, but all of the rest of my being still feels like this is childish name calling. What say you, wise women of TIP?

NOTE: I should also state that this is not an issue that has come up recently, but has been a source of heated debate in the past.

[imoan]

That would bother me because it would make me feel like he was trying to use psychology on me. And that would make me even MORE angry.

[Deleted]

If it bothers you, then it bothers you and he shouldn't be doing it. It's disrespectful for him to continue the behavior when you've made it clear that you're hurt by it. Also, the whole "I was talking about the behavior, not you" thing is slimy.

[starrieskies]

It infuriates me to no end

[broc]

TBH I think it would make me angrier. I get name calling and getting childish in the heat of the argument, but that he has enough control to know how to phrase it so that he isn't reaaaally calling you a bitch means he has enough control to not say the word bitch in the first place.

[datsyuksmommy]

May 17, 2012 13:10:38 GMT -5 broc said:

TBH I think it would make me angrier. I get name calling and getting childish in the heat of the argument, but that he has enough control to know how to phrase it so that he isn't reaaaally calling you a bitch means he has enough control to not say the word bitch in the first place.

This. He knows exactly what he's saying. Technicality bullshit.

[starrieskies]

May 17, 2012 13:10:38 GMT -5 broc said:

TBH I think it would make me angrier. I get name calling and getting childish in the heat of the argument, but that he has enough control to know how to phrase it so that he isn't reaaaally calling you a bitch means he has enough control to not say the word bitch in the first place.

:Y:

[Chirp]

Next time he says you're being a bitch, tell him he's being an asshole.

YWIA.

[beebeeeater]

I don't like that any more than I like "you are a bitch".

In general I don't like swearing AT each other or name-calling so I avoid them (as does H). In the heat of an insane argument if something like that comes out, I'd get over it and so would he. But on a regular basis? Oh no, nuh-uh, not okay.

[picklepie09]

My husband isn't the name calling type. I don't htink he ever has. I have called him names in the heat of the moment. Asshole, dick stuff like that. But that was a long time ago. I try to fight fair.


I used to resort to the name calling bc I was frustrated I couldn't get my point across or to be honest, cuz I was wrong. I have learned since then and don't do it anymore. Plus we hardly fight anyways since we learned to communicate bette.r

[BettyBookWorm]

still not fighting fair or being a loving partner.

You can have an argument, be frustrated with one another without resorting to name calling of any sort. Maybe you should institute the time out rule. Every time he wants to go calling you a bitch or say you are being a bitch, then he should take 2 minutes to regroup.

We have that rule. If one of us feels that they are having a hard time remaining civil (not that often, mind you) we take a breather. Its made our arguments and disagreements a lot easier to deal with.

[margarita]

If he has time to split hairs about the difference between the two statements, he has time to choose his words more wisely in the first place.

If it bothers you, it bothers you. That's what should matter.

[kellbell191]

Team you. I think DH would intellectually agree with your husband, but also knows he would get his ass beat if he did it in practice.

[starrieskies]

May 17, 2012 13:29:42 GMT -5 picklepie09 said:

I used to resort to the name calling bc I was frustrated I couldn't get my point across

This is why he says he did it. I can understand that, I'm no sailor by any means, but I do spout off on occasion.

However, as others said, he has the presence of mind to choose his wording very carefully so he doesn't actually call me a bitch, so why can't he just choose a different word?

The thought that goes behind it makes it harder for me to forgive than if it had been a random outburst.

[mookie]

He's being obtuse and trying to be manipulative. Those words or terms are offensive. And if that's how you feel about it, that's how you feel about it. He doesn't get to dictate to you how you feel about it.

The worst part is he knows it and is being deliberate.

[Deleted]

The reality is he's being a chode and you should shank him in the balls. It bothers you and bothers you a lot. Instead of being a nice husband and not saying stupid shit that hurts his wife, he's blaming you.

Fuck him.

[starrieskies]

Thanks ladies!

Like I said before, this hasn't been an issue recently, but the post from yesterday had me thinking about it and wondering what you would say on the matter.

[gbck]

I do understand the difference, and I think it can be an important one.

But, eventually, if he's saying your behavior is that of a bitch, he's saying you're a bitch, no?

Honestly, if he had a tendency to try to 'out-clever' that way, I'd think the only appropriate answer would be 'and now I'm acting like someone who is leaving your ass'

[Deleted]

This reminds me of the parenting philosophy where we are careful to criticize the behavior, not the child. The difference is the verbiage is more along the lines of "your behavior is really frustrating me right now," not "you're acting like a little shit." If he wants to play with psychology and be conscious of his words, he can do a much better job.

[wrathofkuus]

This was a scene from the end of "I Love You, Man". The husband character was a douche. Not saying your husband is, but rather saying that you should show him that movie and ask him if he really wants to be the Job Favreau character.

[Deleted]

May 17, 2012 15:01:29 GMT -5 wrathofkuus said:

This was a scene from the end of "I Love You, Man". The husband character was a douche. Not saying your husband is, but rather saying that you should show him that movie and ask him if he really wants to be the Job Favreau character.

IN YO FACE!!!!!!!!!!!! lololol

[monday]

May 17, 2012 14:01:36 GMT -5 mookie said:

He's being obtuse and trying to be manipulative. Those words or terms are offensive. And if that's how you feel about it, that's how you feel about it. He doesn't get to dictate to you how you feel about it.

The worst part is he knows it and is being deliberate.

This. I think the fact that he's *intentionally* doing the psych mess on you is infinitely more troubling than the name itself. DH and I are careful about the words we use with each other--but we're stupid about it. I've been known to use "twatwaffle" in place of worse things. For us, something completely off the wall like that breaks some of the tension.

[starrieskies]

May 17, 2012 15:07:19 GMT -5 @habbsies said:

May 17, 2012 15:01:29 GMT -5 wrathofkuus said:

This was a scene from the end of "I Love You, Man". The husband character was a douche. Not saying your husband is, but rather saying that you should show him that movie and ask him if he really wants to be the Job Favreau character.

IN YO FACE!!!!!!!!!!!! lololol

Now I have to see this movie!

[datsyuksmommy]

May 17, 2012 15:18:36 GMT -5 monday said:

May 17, 2012 14:01:36 GMT -5 mookie said:

He's being obtuse and trying to be manipulative. Those words or terms are offensive. And if that's how you feel about it, that's how you feel about it. He doesn't get to dictate to you how you feel about it.

The worst part is he knows it and is being deliberate.

This. I think the fact that he's *intentionally* doing the psych mess on you is infinitely more troubling than the name itself. DH and I are careful about the words we use with each other--but we're stupid about it. I've been known to use "twatwaffle" in place of worse things. For us, something completely off the wall like that breaks some of the tension.

If I called DH a twatwaffle he would fall off his chair laughing. Also, does anyone remember that knottie that had a pic of twatwaffle in her siggy?