Normal or Anxiety?

[Deleted]

I need help figuring out if what I am doing is normal for first time moms, or if it's an anxiety issue.

My 5 month old DD sleeps in a pack and play next to the bed in my bedroom. That's fine. I don't have an issue with that.

What I'm wondering about is how H and I handle bedtime. We put her to bed between 7 and 8, and one of us stays in the room with her while the other finishes cleaning up/feeding the dog/whatever else needs to be done. After that, we both just hang out in the room while she sleeps. Which means we can't really watch TV or talk or do anything but play on our phones in the dark. We have a baby monitor that I have never even used. This is crazy, right?

I am feeling like H and I have no time together, but I am nervous to leave her in there alone. Is this just anxiety? Did anyone else feel this way? Admittedly, I have been terrified of SIDs and that might be what is keeping me from being comfortable with leaving her alone, so I think it's reasonable that that's the culprit. How bad does it have to be before I should talk to my doctor?

[TR]

I don't have kids, but this sounds not normal to me. I would talk to your doctor about PPA.

[cbwm1]

Maybe a bit of anxiety.

Put that monitor to good use and enjoy your quiet time at night!

[thebreakfastclub]

I would talk to your ob office tomorrow about PPA. I'm sorry.

Eta hit post too soon. You were right to be concerned about keeping a safe sleeping environment. But a 5mo can turn their head and even roll. The PnP is safe, the baby is safe alone.

[Deleted]

My boss did this until her kid was 20 months old. She brought a glass of wine & played on Pinterest. I have no idea why

[Deleted]

That's not good. Put her down and walk out. Go live life. Do something noisy. Help do dishes.

[Deleted]

Thanks everyone.

She has had one issue after another, and I think somehow this routine started amidst chaos and it has just continued. I am going to try leaving her alone with a monitor tonight. I've always had issues with anxiety, so I will talk to my OB about that.

I would expect H to try to talk some sense into me, but I wonder if he is having anxiety as well. Can men get PPA?

[Deleted]

May 25, 2016 18:52:04 GMT -5 @clevergirl said:

Thanks everyone.

She has had one issue after another, and I think somehow this routine started amidst chaos and it has just continued. I am going to try leaving her alone with a monitor tonight. I've always had issues with anxiety, so I will talk to my OB about that.

I would expect H to try to talk some sense into me, but I wonder if he is having anxiety as well. Can men get PPA?

My H IS PPA. Like the kid is 4.5 and .... Yeah... So i vote Yes.

[circa1978]

Men can have PPD and PPA for sure.

[Lucy Honeychurch]

I think this is a completely normal fear. That first kid is so terrifying.

I think if you try, but can't, leave the room? That's a problem you should talk to your doctor about.

Try leaving for small periods of time -- to get a drink, to check your email, the length of a sitcom.

[Monica Geller]

I didn't mean to "like" the OP...stupid Tapatalk. You should be able to leave your DD with a monitor while you go do other things.

[cbwm1]

May 25, 2016 18:52:04 GMT -5 @clevergirl said:

Thanks everyone.

She has had one issue after another, and I think somehow this routine started amidst chaos and it has just continued. I am going to try leaving her alone with a monitor tonight. I've always had issues with anxiety, so I will talk to my OB about that.

I would expect H to try to talk some sense into me, but I wonder if he is having anxiety as well. Can men get PPA?

Jermys experienced PPD after adopting her daughter, so I think it's very possible for a man to get PPA.

Or, it's possible your H is afraid to say anything and has noticed all of it.

Either way, definitely talk to your doctor. Zoloft worked wonders for me for PPD/A

[Deleted]

I feel like at 5 months postpartum, I am finally coming out of the veil of new baby haziness. Like I said, she has given us a lot to worry about in her first few months, so I think I have just gotten carried away with worrying! I guess I am starting to think a little more clearly since it dawned on me that this probably isn't how most people function.

I am going to suggest we watch TV in the living room for a bit and go from there.

[Deleted]

I have horrible anxiety. I bought the Owlet monitor for like $200?

Now I can walk away and let him sleep and not be anxious.

[Jalapeñomel]

My DH had PPD/A. It certainly can't hurt to seek out someone to talk to for both of you.

[felicity]

I think it sounds like anxiety, and I wouldn't say it's not normal, but it's not good for you or your husband

Coming out of the newborn fog was disorienting for me, and I remember thinking that it's time to start trying to make some of my life normal again but having a hard time figuring out what the new normal would be. I totally rationalized some odd behaviors that in hindsight were definitely anxiety related.

I would get a good video monitor if you don't already have one so you can see on the screen if your DD is doing okay. I'm able to see if DS's chest is moving up and down on ours which helped me out a lot. I still check it sometimes and he's almost 18 months.

If you find anxiety creeping into other areas, or even if this part of it becomes too much, I would go talk to someone. I recently started seeing a therapist for mine and even though it has only been a couple of sessions it really does help.

[eb777888]

I kept David in a bassinet in the living room at all times until he was 4 months old. Then when we moved him to a crib, I put the crib in the living room, right outside my bedroom door. llllol I'm also a tad anxious so IDK.

[boxertdog]

Once the baby is asleep you do not need to hang out in there. Get a baby monitor? I have 2 kids and was pretty attentive while they slept compared to others but this is over the top I think.

[boxertdog]

May 25, 2016 18:49:22 GMT -5 @savestheday said:

My boss did this until her kid was 20 months old. She brought a glass of wine & played on Pinterest. I have no idea why

Maybe she didn't actually want to spend time with her husband? That's all I got.

[berrysweet]

I don't "go" here, but we had an Angelcare monitor, which I absolutely loved. I do have anxiety, and so for me it was one less thing to worry about--I still had to address the root of the issue (anxiety) in other ways, but while that was getting straightened out, the Angelcare monitor helped a lot in giving me one thing that I felt like I could release from my plate of things to obsess about.

It may also be that you get something like an Angelcare and are *fine* thereafter, in which case it may have been just new-parent freak-out more than anxiety.

[lilac05]

That's similar to what MY normal was when DS1 was that age. I could leave him in the room, but I kept the monitor literally attached to me (or preferably RIGHT next to my ear) on the highest volume setting so I could hear him breathing.

It doesn't have to be YOUR normal. You don't have to live like this. Talk to your doctor. I wish I had.

[Deleted]

May 25, 2016 20:34:30 GMT -5 lilac05 said:

That's similar to what MY normal was when DS1 was that age. I could leave him in the room, but I kept the monitor literally attached to me (or preferably RIGHT next to my ear) on the highest volume setting so I could hear him breathing.

It doesn't have to be YOUR normal. You don't have to live like this. Talk to your doctor. I wish I had.

Thank you for sharing. I don't want this anxiety to spiral out of control.

I have an appointment to get an IUD next week. I will talk to my OB about it then.

ETA: Liking in solidarity

[jellymankelly]

I suffered from PPA, partly due to a lot of things that happened the week of DS2's* birth (and the hits kept on comin' for a full year after that), so it took me a really long time to let him sleep overnight in a room without me, but he did a lot of sleeping on his own for naps and such before that. In hindsight, I wish I had dealt with the PPA at the time, because even though I enjoyed him, I don't feel like I let myself really experience the full joy of parenthood his first 18 months. I made things harder than they had to be because I didn't want to admit I needed some help, and there's really no shame in saying, "I feel like my anxiety is becoming a problem." Your doctor will understand, because I am sure they see it all the time.

*(In the interest of full disclosure, this same child is now 6, and is currently sick. I keep going into his room to check his breathing. Some habits die hard.)

[Deleted]

May 25, 2016 19:47:46 GMT -5 felicity said:

I think it sounds like anxiety, and I wouldn't say it's not normal, but it's not good for you or your husband

Coming out of the newborn fog was disorienting for me, and I remember thinking that it's time to start trying to make some of my life normal again but having a hard time figuring out what the new normal would be. I totally rationalized some odd behaviors that in hindsight were definitely anxiety related.

I would get a good video monitor if you don't already have one so you can see on the screen if your DD is doing okay. I'm able to see if DS's chest is moving up and down on ours which helped me out a lot. I still check it sometimes and he's almost 18 months.

If you find anxiety creeping into other areas, or even if this part of it becomes too much, I would go talk to someone. I recently started seeing a therapist for mine and even though it has only been a couple of sessions it really does help.

We're looking up video monitors right now. From the living room while she sleeps in the bedroom! This is a big step.

[sapphireblue]

My son is almost 10 months old.

I was able to leave the room when he was asleep but other than that difference I relate to everything you posted.

He still sleeps in our bedroom in his crib, even though we have a second crib in his bedroom. When he was really little, I would check on him a LOT. Like a few times an hour. I was very nervous of SIDS or something else happening to him.

We had a monitor and also a video monitor--both hand me downs. But I'd still have to check on him and just stare at him until I could verify that he was breathing.

I didn't have one but there are monitors that will alert you if the baby doesn't move for a certain amount of time. That could be reassuring for you.

I think you guys should leave the room but feel free to check on him as much as you need to.

If you really find you cannot leave the room and relax in another room for the evening, then I think that is worth discussing with a doctor.

[lilac05]

May 25, 2016 20:43:37 GMT -5 @clevergirl said:

Thank you for sharing. I don't want this anxiety to spiral out of control.

Thankfully, mine never spiraled anywhere.  I was functional, and no one would have guessed that I had such worries.  I didn't realize it wasn't normal at the time...I thought it was just first time mom stuff.  It wasn't awful, but I sure could have enjoyed those precious moments with my baby so much more had I asked for some help!

[sapphireblue]

May 25, 2016 19:10:53 GMT -5 @clevergirl said:

I feel like at 5 months postpartum, I am finally coming out of the veil of new baby haziness. Like I said, she has given us a lot to worry about in her first few months, so I think I have just gotten carried away with worrying! I guess I am starting to think a little more clearly since it dawned on me that this probably isn't how most people function.

I am going to suggest we watch TV in the living room for a bit and go from there.

I think that is a great first step. 

[Deleted]

I'm sorry for everyone who has dealt/is dealing with similar issues. I never realized how common this is. My doctor focused more on making sure PPD wasn't an issue at my postpartum visit, but didn't seem too concerned with PPA. I mentioned anxiety at the visit, but she said as long as it wasn't interfering with my day to day life that it's normal. At this point I think it might be a problem. I plan to talk to her at my visit next week.

Thank you for the advice and sharing your stories.

[sapphireblue]

May 25, 2016 20:53:27 GMT -5 @clevergirl said:

I'm sorry for everyone who has dealt/is dealing with similar issues. I never realized how common this is. My doctor focused more on making sure PPD wasn't an issue at my postpartum visit, but didn't seem too concerned with PPA. I mentioned anxiety at the visit, but she said as long as it wasn't interfering with my day to day life that it's normal. At this point I think it might be a problem. I plan to talk to her at my visit next week.

Thank you for the advice and sharing your stories.

Yes, me too. I wasn't feeling bad but just wasn't sure if other new parents worried as much as me. This is what my OB said too.

So this thread is making me wonder if my worrying about him is not "normal"? Something to ask my doctor about again.

[statlerwaldorf]

It doesn't seem normal to me. I had PPA with my first child and waited until about 4 months to get help. I excused it off as just being a first time mom. It is affecting your life, so I think you should talk to your doctor. I regret not getting help sooner. I feel like my anxiety made me miss out on a lot and you don't get that time back.