Not sure

[g0nz0b0t]

I haven't posted here since my divorce but I've been a lurker for forever: I have SO questions about my newest relationship.

I've been dating an awesome guy for about 18 months: he's nothing like my ex, seemingly very caring and awesome. We are both in our mid-late 30s.'want the same things out of life, etc. we have been talking about moving in with one another and giving this a real shot, which I have been very apprehensive about (I love him but don't want to fuck things up: if things are going well now then why rock the boat, etc).

A few months back I noticed he had a sex toy we had never used together just laying around in the open. It was obviously pretty old and I immediately reacted to it: a little background, I was only ever with my ex, had a couple of little flings before meeting bf and it was a whirlwind I wasn't expecting. My bf on the other hand is older, never married, only ever lived with one girl he thought would be his wife until it was apparent they were going through the motions. Anyway). He noticed my off attitude and asked about it and I said while I knew he had been with other people, a physical reminder right there skeeved me out. He told me he would chuck the item: it was something they (he and ex) thought would reinvigorate their sex life but they never used it together and he only tried it out solo... Ok

Tonight I was looking for a sleep shirt and not only found the toy he said he'd toss but ANOTHER. I'm not a prude (he and I have used my own personal toys on occasion) but I can't help but wonder if maybe he's holding onto those things for old times sake (at best) or screwing around at worst. Or maybe I'm looking for anything because of shit from my past and being scared of this thing progressing. Or maybe I'm being insecure? Bleh. In general he's very open and brutally honest so I'd like to believe it's innocent: I also don't want to be the asshole to confront him about this again.

I guess I just need a little outside perspective. One of my BfF that I told about the first thing I found said this is typical of dudes. Trophies, less sentimental: I threw away all things associated with my ex so I guess it's hard to relate. Thanks in advance and my apologies for the word mess.

[g0nz0b0t]

Thanks for the reply. I was in therapy for about a year after the divorce and have definitely considered the idea that I moved on too soon. At the time it 'felt' right. I fully realize I have some baggage from my marriage and try to be cognizant of it but also have been trying to find my voice more and more since the split. More background is that I was with my ex for just about half my life- so I guess it was hard to know when it was 'right' to jump into something new, ya know?

The toys are a c-ring (what he mentioned he and his ex bought but never used) and a bullet vibe. They are both pretty old looking and relatively "disposable". He could be using them on his own still but I feel like it would be something he mentioned (generally a very open dude).

Thanks again for the insight. It recently dawned on me some unbefore realized mindfuckery my ex did (I have some mild PTSD still from past abuse) and I fully realize therapy should be in my immediate future (again); this post is reaffirming a lot of the concerns with myself that I've been having.

[dancelnow]

I'd want to know the reason he didn't throw it away when he said he would. I don't think it was right of you to demand it though without understanding why he had them. Maybe he wants/needs more now and is afraid to bring it up to you. So when you just demand because you fear an ex no longer in the picture, you may have walked right over real needs of his.

[bl]

I don't think you should be afraid to express your concerns with him for fear of being an asshole, you are allowed to have feelings. However just assuming he would immediately throw out anything related to an ex like you did is not okay because not everyone is the same. I have tons of things that are in some way related to my ex that have no sentimental value tied to them and I see no need to toss them, anything that brought feelings went in the trash.

I think it is fair to speak up and ask him why he didn't toss it when he said he would because that would be my main issue with the situation and maybe this can lead to some deeper conversation about any needs or wants he may have and want to explore with you.

Moving in is a huge step and if you have fear about it I think therapy would be a really good resource to work through it.

[glynn]

Sounds like moving in together is not a good idea.... Therapy is probablly the right move here. Speaking up is hard for me also, so I feel your pain there. Good Luck!

[stephreloaded]

I would be concerned about the fact that he said he would throw it away and he didn't.

I think what someone does with toys after the relationship ends is very personal. In your mind, it might show that he has an attachment to his old relationship. Maybe in his mind, it just a toy that he likes and gets to use. I would talk to him how this makes you uncomfortable but you need to go open to different views.

[doglove]

I believe you're in a real unhealthy place with yourself if you are afraid to speak up about how you feel. I'm with mp. If you can't stand up for yourself and your uncomfortable feelings then you need to get back to the drawing board and work on your issues.

[Deleted]

Yes, you need to speak to him. Why don't you suggest tossing them (together) and then buying new things (together). I have personal toys I bought while I was married. I even "recycle" lingerie through boyfriends. I have clothes, shoes, a watch, and jewelry... all from previous relationships. I see how sex toys are intimate and I wouldn't want a toy used on me that was previously used on someone else. I'm not sure a toy is being kept for sentimental value. I would start the convo on why he kept them and didn't follow through on tossing them as discussed.

As an aside, in a 18 month relationship you should be comfortable enough to speak up about stuff that bothers you. Don't shove that down. Speak up because he can't read your mind. Address things that bother you in a calm and constructive manner.