need a book recommendation for a 10 y/o in puberty

[FormerlyRR]

Gah. She is a little girl still, but started her period, has boobs, acne and hair growing all over the place. It's my BF's daughter, and he and her mother have a very adversarial relationship, so he needs to navigate how to help her when she is with him. There is NO co-parenting happening, so no recommendations to talk to her mother.
She got her first period this week, and is a mess. I helped him pick out some pads (hope we guessed right) and gave him a few tips to make her feel less uncomfortable. But she is hormonal, emotional, and generally miserable. Luckily the weather is crappy so pool/beach aren't an issue this weekend, but they very likely will be this summer and going forward. 
Any advice, books, websites to direct him/her to are much appreciated. 

Plus, same daughter has pretty, wavy, shoulder-length hair, but it is starting to get oily. Any tips for dealing with it? 

[cabbagecabbage]

www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1609580427/ref=mp_s_a_1_2?qid=1465062964&sr=1-2&pi=SY200_QL40&keywords=the+care+and+keeping+of+you&dpPl=1&dpID=51dA5HZNZvL&ref=plSrch

[textbookcase]

Yup, the care and keeping of you! My girls read it around age 8 and it was good prep. There is also one for older girls

[SpartanGirl]

I third the Care and Keeping of You. There are 2 books - one for younger and one for older girls. Personally I'd get both.

[katfco]

I third fourth Care and Keeping of You. I gave it to Abby for her 8th birthday and she loves it. There's a sequel that goes into more detail, but the first is about basic hygiene, body changes, periods and breast development. It has illustrations that demonstrate how to change a pad, different options, etc.

[FormerlyRR]

Jun 4, 2016 13:02:32 GMT -5 peachy said:

Is there a boy version of the same book?

Looks like this one?

www.amazon.com/Boys-Body-Book-Everything-Growing/dp/1604335742/ref=pd_sim_14_9?ie=UTF8&dpID=51RNn6LfRhL&dpSrc=sims&preST=_AC_UL160_SR109%2C160_&refRID=14TV2S1BVNG2FJ07PYKF

[read247]

Yep, definitely The Care and Keeping of You. Got a copy (back when it was a single book) for DD #1 when she was 9, DD #2 is now 9 and has also read it. Now that it's split into two books there's a bit more detail, and I think getting the full set would be beneficial in the OPs scenario. There are also companion pieces, including a journal, that my kids weren't interested in but might be helpful.

[CurlyQ284]

Another vote for Care and Keeping of You.

Is she showering/washing her hair regularly? Both SDs went through a poor hygiene phase where we had to force them to shower. It was long, like 1-2 years and was around that age for SD1. SD2 is 13 and just snapped out of it.

What kind of shampoo/conditioner is she using?

[curtains]

My friend's college age dd told me the same as the previous posters that the Care and Keeping of You was her absolute best learning about growing up book. She told me to leave it in my dds room when she was 10 and let her go through it alone since it was kind of "embarrassing". I did and believe me it was so worth it. My dd came to me with all sorts of good dialogue and questions.

(I recommend you read it first so you know the answers, I was stumped a few times and had to cheat, lol)

[curtains]

Oh and good smelling dry shampoo and deodorant for when you cant get her in the shower. My dd showers alllll the time now but when she was 9 or 10 it could sometimes be a struggle.

[Deleted]

I'd say switch to shampoo for oily hair, wash hair daily or use dry shampoo between washes.  Some type of flushable wipes would be helpful during her period as well. Cottonelle or ...  individual wipes
www.amazon.com/Dove-10079400202441-Dry-Shampoo-Invigorating/dp/B006T8BXF8

[FormerlyRR]

Jun 4, 2016 14:04:18 GMT -5 CurlyQ284 said:

Another vote for Care and Keeping of You.

Is she showering/washing her hair regularly? Both SDs went through a poor hygiene phase where we had to force them to shower. It was long, like 1-2 years and was around that age for SD1. SD2 is 13 and just snapped out of it.

What kind of shampoo/conditioner is she using?

Well, she showers daily at his house. No idea at home. Currently she is using Garnier Curl Care shampoo/conditioner at his house, and at home it is whatever cheap stuff mom buys.
She also keeps running out of face stuff at mom's, he buys it and send it home, then she shows up at his house all broken out because there isn't any left there. 
I recommended dry shampoo (and coached him on how little to use) to help control it, was that bad?

[FormerlyRR]

Jun 4, 2016 14:12:50 GMT -5 curtains said:

Oh and good smelling dry shampoo and deodorant for when you cant get her in the shower. My dd showers alllll the time now but when she was 9 or 10 it could sometimes be a struggle.

Jun 4, 2016 14:26:57 GMT -5 @blueyes623 said:

I'd say switch to shampoo for oily hair, wash hair daily or use dry shampoo between washes.  Some type of flushable wipes would be helpful during her period as well. Cottonelle or ...  individual wipes
www.amazon.com/Dove-10079400202441-Dry-Shampoo-Invigorating/dp/B006T8BXF8

She has deodorant, and uses it happily. And LOL at the wipes, he bought them a month or so ago b/c the 6 y/o is an inefficient wiper. 
This man is trying SO hard to help his kids, and I wish I could help. But anything that the kids say comes from me would set mom off, and he & I would both like to avoid that. 

[FormerlyRR]

Jun 4, 2016 14:32:08 GMT -5 chilerellanos said:

We switched to the tresamme shampoo and conditioner for volume (you condition first and then shampoo) for my 10 yo. And it has helped her breakouts along her hairline a LOT!

Oh, condition first? Does it say that on the bottle? I'll recommend that to them.

[renna]

Does she have a pretty little bag or container to keep her period supplies in? (for in the bathroom, or a bag for when she's on the go?)

I used to be a camp counselor. One time we were out of state and had an influx of unexpected periods. I polled the girls about what they used, went to Target and bought a large supply of a bunch of stuff and we just left it in the girls' bathroom where we were staying. It was really helpful for the girls to have supplies right there and be able to try different things. (Some had their own supplies but some had just had a period so were completely caught off-guard.)

Working with pre-teen and teen girls I learned that the best thing was just to be really normal about it. A good mix of clinical but not too heavy/doctor-like, kind of nonchalant but hitting the right points. Hopefully your BF's daughter will feel comfortable talking to him or to you so that she can get what she needs.

I'd also wonder if she is getting all the shampoo fully rinsed out of her hair during showers? A bad rinse job looks similar to oily hair. I think the PP's suggestions of dry shampoo are good, too.

You are so nice to help him (and her) with this, RR.

[renna]

Jun 4, 2016 14:45:39 GMT -5 FormerlyRR said:

Jun 4, 2016 14:32:08 GMT -5 chilerellanos said:

We switched to the tresamme shampoo and conditioner for volume (you condition first and then shampoo) for my 10 yo. And it has helped her breakouts along her hairline a LOT!

Oh, condition first? Does it say that on the bottle? I'll recommend that to them.

Does she need to use conditioner every time? Maybe she could try conditioning every few days or once a week?

Full disclosure: I haven't used hair conditioner in years.

[FormerlyRR]

Jun 4, 2016 14:55:04 GMT -5 renna said:

Does she have a pretty little bag or container to keep her period supplies in? (for in the bathroom, or a bag for when she's on the go?)

I used to be a camp counselor. One time we were out of state and had an influx of unexpected periods. I polled the girls about what they used, went to Target and bought a large supply of a bunch of stuff and we just left it in the girls' bathroom where we were staying. It was really helpful for the girls to have supplies right there and be able to try different things. (Some had their own supplies but some had just had a period so were completely caught off-guard.)

Working with pre-teen and teen girls I learned that the best thing was just to be really normal about it. A good mix of clinical but not too heavy/doctor-like, kind of nonchalant but hitting the right points. Hopefully your BF's daughter will feel comfortable talking to him or to you so that she can get what she needs.

I'd also wonder if she is getting all the shampoo fully rinsed out of her hair during showers? A bad rinse job looks similar to oily hair. I think the PP's suggestions of dry shampoo are good, too.

You are so nice to help him (and her) with this, RR.

A small purse is on the list for outings, and the pads we bought came in a drawer contraption. But I will look into something else, and an assortment of different products to try. That's what my mom did, and she just replenished what got used. He asked the mother repeatedly for info on what to have for her, and she answered him an hour before he had to pick them up from school. It's her regular M.O. to attempt to make him fail in their eyes. 

I have suspected an overuse of product, he needs to figure out a way to gently tell all three that a small dab of shampoo will work! Heck, I keep telling him that his 1/2" of hair needs about 1/4 (or less) of what I use for my mid-back length, so that might be a hard concept for all of them. I will tell him to try an oily hair product or the Tresemme that chilerellanos mentioned, along with limiting amount and extra rinsing. 

[4speedy]

Another family that read the care and keeping if you chiming in.


My daughter read the chapters that interested her, starting when she was 9. She would write down any questions she had and give the notebook back to me to write down answers. Mostly, she wanted to know if she was normal, if I went through the same things, etc. We were on vacation and spent the 10 hour drive home writing notes back and forth to each other in the car. It actually was a really great experience for both of us.

In your case, maybe her dad could give her the book along with a special notebook for questions. He could get your input on how to answer the period questions but phrase it as "I've heard some women say that..." so that she doesn'the feel like he is discussing her private life with you.

[renna]

Remember when shampoo caps used to come off? Too bad you can't have BF just tell the kids to use a capful or half a capful. I don't think our shampoo caps come off at all (Biolage Matrix) but maybe other ones do.

It's funny you mention the mom setting him up to fail because I was going to post that your BF needs to make sure to set up his daughter to succeed. I am glad she got the first period now and will have the routine down pat before school in the fall (maybe she is out of school already?) That would be a nice break for her if she didn't have to deal with it at school next week.

I was an older period-getter (15) so I handled it all myself but I was still really embarrassed/shy about the whole thing. I'd have your BF get her more than one pretty bag (different sizes or not). Heck, our son has had a "toiletries" bag since he was about 5 which we keep his extra toothbrush and toothpaste, washcloth, travel soap, etc. in for trips and overnights at Grandma and Grandpa's house. We got his at TJ Maxx. It was hard to find a boy-looking one that wasn't just black. I'm sure your BF's DD will have a ton of options in many stores.

I hope between BF and you that you can make this really a smooth thing for her. It sounds like you are well on your way in gathering resources. She is a lucky girl to have such an attentive dad (who also chose a really wonderful girlfriend).

[cuddlyevil]

I am going to pick up the book for DD. We have had a few talks, but a book would be a great resource for her.

RR, it's great that you're helping him with this. You have gotten great advice here.

As for product, maybe he could get something that has a pump? Then he could say "one pump for conditioner and two for shampoo" to help them with amounts. DD had a helluva time rinsing her hair clean, but she's figured it out and uses a spray leave-in conditioner to detangle.

[fumbalina]

My hair was extremely oily for a while and what helped was using a spray in conditioner instead of the shower one. Since she is that age, i would look for one that looks like a salon created it. I don't care so i buy ones for children now. Also I have phases where anything with salicylic acid on it causes my hair to go into oil production overdrive.

I will add that a Dove moisturizing bar (soap) is the only thing that helps control my acne. They are cheap and last for a long time too, so you might suggest that.

Also keep an eye on supplies because the onset of puberty is unpredictable and many young girls are ashamed to let you know when they run out of supplies.

[FormerlyRR]

Jun 4, 2016 15:17:34 GMT -5 renna said:

Remember when shampoo caps used to come off? Too bad you can't have BF just tell the kids to use a capful or half a capful. I don't think our shampoo caps come off at all (Biolage Matrix) but maybe other ones do.

It's funny you mention the mom setting him up to fail because I was going to post that your BF needs to make sure to set up his daughter to succeed. I am glad she got the first period now and will have the routine down pat before school in the fall (maybe she is out of school already?) That would be a nice break for her if she didn't have to deal with it at school next week.

I was an older period-getter (15) so I handled it all myself but I was still really embarrassed/shy about the whole thing. I'd have your BF get her more than one pretty bag (different sizes or not). Heck, our son has had a "toiletries" bag since he was about 5 which we keep his extra toothbrush and toothpaste, washcloth, travel soap, etc. in for trips and overnights at Grandma and Grandpa's house. We got his at TJ Maxx. It was hard to find a boy-looking one that wasn't just black. I'm sure your BF's DD will have a ton of options in many stores.

I hope between BF and you that you can make this really a smooth thing for her. It sounds like you are well on your way in gathering resources. She is a lucky girl to have such an attentive dad (who also chose a really wonderful girlfriend).

Sadly this happened the last week of school, and apparently there was a leakage incident during the awards ceremony. Poor girl was in the bathroom melting down and they were calling her name. At least she got out without anyone seeing so she won't have that stigma. I was almost 15 myself, so it was much easier to handle, but I was mortified at the whole concept.
I guess all three kids will need toiletries bags, especially now that their mother got two kittens (and is keeping them in the laundry room). BF is super allergic to most animal hair, so he has declared that things will no longer go back & forth to protect him. Poor kids are having to strip on the way in the door and dump everything in the washer, then wear the same clothes back home when they leave. 
Yes, the phrase setting them (and him) up to succeed has been used a lot lately. We both just want them to grow up happy and as well-adjusted as kids with high-conflict non co-parents possibly can. Thanks for the compliments, we both can use a few pats on the back for this occasionally.

[FormerlyRR]

I feel like I just need to have him read this whole post. All of you have been so helpful!
cabbagecabbage, textbookcase, SpartanGirl, katfco, peachy, twostep, chilerellanos, read247, CurlyQ284, curtains, @blueyes623, renna, 4speedy, cuddlyevil, fumbalina

[FormerlyRR]

Jun 4, 2016 15:19:01 GMT -5 cuddlyevil said:

I am going to pick up the book for DD. We have had a few talks, but a book would be a great resource for her.

RR, it's great that you're helping him with this. You have gotten great advice here.

As for product, maybe he could get something that has a pump? Then he could say "one pump for conditioner and two for shampoo" to help them with amounts. DD had a helluva time rinsing her hair clean, but she's figured it out and uses a spray leave-in conditioner to detangle.

If he weren't in a rental, I would tell him to get one of those wall-mounted dispensers and he could label the sections that way! But this is a great idea. 

[FormerlyRR]

Jun 4, 2016 15:38:21 GMT -5 chilerellanos said:

I feel like there's more clear cut help and guidelines for babies and toddlers.

When they're older, I find I have NO clue how to handle situations and I'm just grasping at straws.

And the problems are harder.

Yes, this seems true. I remember life getting harder as an adolescent, and I don't want to think about college at all. 

[Mrs. ChanandlerBong]

In addition to everything mentioned, I'd also pick up a box of teen/lite/junior tampons. Swimming/the beach will
Come up. I started early (but closer to 11) and started using tampons early on so I could go to the pool. We had some in the house for my sister. I was able to figure it out without help.

[renna]

My husband is also highly allergic to dogs and cats so I can relate on the clothes and stripping down.

I took our son to TJ Maxx with me and he picked out his toiletry bag. It's bright blue, LOL. I will say that I bet that your BF's kids might actually think it's cool to have their own bag, their own stuff. I would say to get a second bag for his DD because one can be her period supplies and another for her other supplies. Plus I think many kids just really like having their own little bags for various reasons.

Your BF is going to navigate these waters just fine. I think the biggest thing is just that the parent/adult is interested in doing what it takes to get the child's needs met without the child feeling embarrassed or weird about it. It sounds like your BF and you have a good grasp of what it takes. (heart)

[FormerlyRR]

Jun 4, 2016 15:43:44 GMT -5 Mrs. ChanandlerBong said:

In addition to everything mentioned, I'd also pick up a box of teen/lite/junior tampons. Swimming/the beach will
Come up. I started early (but closer to 11) and started using tampons early on so I could go to the pool. We had some in the house for my sister. I was able to figure it out without help.

Just leave them with the other stuff? That's what my mom did for me, and I figured it out, too. Her birthday is in October, so she is 10 1/2. It just seems so young to me for tampons! Plus I am pretty sure her mother will flip out if dad buys them for her.  *-)

[Mrs. ChanandlerBong]

Jun 4, 2016 15:46:43 GMT -5 FormerlyRR said:

Jun 4, 2016 15:43:44 GMT -5 Mrs. ChanandlerBong said:

In addition to everything mentioned, I'd also pick up a box of teen/lite/junior tampons. Swimming/the beach will
Come up. I started early (but closer to 11) and started using tampons early on so I could go to the pool. We had some in the house for my sister. I was able to figure it out without help.

Just leave them with the other stuff? That's what my mom did for me, and I figured it out, too. Her birthday is in October, so she is 10 1/2. It just seems so young to me for tampons! Plus I am pretty sure her mother will flip out if dad buys them for her.  *-)

Yep. I'd just leave them with the other stuff. I know it's weird but I'd hate for her to feel left out of activities so young because of her period. I know it seems young but I am so glad my parents didn't "forbid" us from tampons. The summer after I started would have sucked so bad if I hadn't been able to use the pool!

[mom2twoboys]

This is really awesome that you are helping her. My youngest sister started hers at my dad's house with my step mom and they had no idea what to do. She was mortified. I am glad y'all will be supportive through this.