I am completely irrational

[hungrycaterpillar]

Tonight H and I are going to a wedding. It will be the first time that the nanny is alone for more than an hour with the baby. Its our test run for Monday when I actually go to work.

She texted me a picture of a storage bin she had at her house that she wanted to pack up his newborn clothes in since he doesn't fit them anymore. I very politely declined but then started sobbing.

This is my house and my things and my baby and I decide when I'm ready to put up his newborn clothes.

She also wanted to make a cabinet for just his things in the kitchen. (right now i have all the bottles and pump stuff on the kitchen counter for easy access because fuck it if I'm going to rummage through a cabinet for a bottle when he is screaming at 2am. I thanked her and said right now don't worry about the organizational stuff...just take care of him.

Rationally I know I should be counting my lucky stars that she wants to do more and be helpful. I know I will thank her for this later but right now I feel so very territorial.

My husband suggested that maybe I needed to take something because he doesnt think the amount I worry about him is normal. Maybe I will.

I'm sorry I'm a one trick pony/poster with this nanny stuff. I know this is a silly problem to have. I'm just not ready for her to take over EVERYTHING just yet.


Oh and on another note: if my child needs a storage bin I will purchase my own storage bins.


I'm ridiculous. I feel terrible.

[lovelyshoes]

Don't feel terrible. Her intentions are good, but it's your house your rules. I would have felt the same way. Also, all moms worry about leaving their babies with others. It's normal and will get easier. Unless the worry is crippling you, give it some time to adjust. Hugs.

[jlt19]

No, this would irriate me too. I get some nannies become part of the family and boundaries get blurred. But that's usually after years. Not a few days. She should back off trying to control your house.

[Deleted]

No, you're not being irrational. That would completely irritate the hell out of me.

[sarahbear]

She sounds very helpful. Just be honest with her. "I think this transition is going to be very hard for me. Can we just keep things as the are until I settle in?" Have her make a small list after a week of organizational things that would make taking care of your son easier for her. You can look it over and see what you think. Baby steps.

[hungrycaterpillar]

Omg thank you guys. My husband just doesn't get it. He's not taking her side he just doesn't understand why it tugs at my heart.

sarahbear I really like your suggestion. I will try that before we leave tonight.

[momof2]

I totally understand this may be hard for you, but as someone that has had nannies for more than 6 years, you will eventually want to start thinking of this person as the "third man" in your home that keeps things running. A proactive nanny can be a wonderful thing.

I like the suggestion of telling her the transition will be hard and that you want to keep things status quo until you adjust more.

[Deleted]

So he's 3 months? It wouldn't hurt to talk to your Dr about how you feel and it would be better if your husband could be there and share what he's noticing that concern him.

As for the nanny I'd probably tell her I know she's trying to be helpful but all of this is a big adjustment for everyone and the way she can be most helpful is to focus on the baby and send you pictures during the day. You'll let her know when you're ready for her to do more and will start leaving her a list of things you need. Personally I'd have her fold my laundry and dust. My two least favourite things

[ginandjucie24]

I don't think you are ridiculous.

I know nothing about nanny's but I don't think it's included in their job to pack away the newborn clothing without being told or asked to do it.

To have this sprung on you on a day when you are leaving your child for a new amount of time and when you are facing going back to work and dealing with those feelings I would be a mess too and my child is 3 years old.

Your baby is still little, he is still getting use to the world and you are still getting familiar with each other. if you feel as if you worry too much, of course talk to your doctor. I think all mothers worry constantly.

[hungrycaterpillar]

Jul 9, 2016 15:20:56 GMT -5 @randomcdn said:

So he's 3 months? It wouldn't hurt to talk to your Dr about how you feel and it would be better if your husband could be there and share what he's noticing that concern him.

As for the nanny I'd probably tell her I know she's trying to be helpful but all of this is a big adjustment for everyone and the way she can be most helpful is to focus on the baby and send you pictures during the day. You'll let her know when you're ready for her to do more and will start leaving her a list of things you need. Personally I'd have her fold my laundry and dust. My two least favourite things

No no. 7 weeks last wednesday which i feel is a little more normal for the crazy hormones.

Thank you for the suggestions. you guys make this so much easier.

[nsl]

Jul 9, 2016 15:14:25 GMT -5 sarahbear said:

She sounds very helpful. Just be honest with her. "I think this transition is going to be very hard for me. Can we just keep things as the are until I settle in?" Have her make a small list after a week of organizational things that would make taking care of your son easier for her. You can look it over and see what you think. Baby steps.

100% this.  We shared a nanny/housekeeper with our neighbors when DS 1 was an infant, and in the beginning it was so hard for me to come home to find that she'd changed something or put his things away slightly differently from the way I liked them.  It took a few months for the kinks to really work themselves out as we got to know each other, and in retrospect I wish I'd said something like this in the beginning because I know she would have completely understood and done what she could to make me less stressed about returning to work.

(((hugs)))

Regarding what your husband said, it's possible that you need to talk to your doctor, but nothing you've posted has been a red flag to me.  There's a part of my brain that's always focused on my kids and worrying about them even when I'm 99% certain that they're being loved and cared for when I'm not around.  From things my parents have said over the years, my mom still does the same thing even though my sister and I are both in our mid-30's with families of our own.  I think at least some degree of constant worry/preoccupation with our kids just comes with the territory.
Save

[momof2]

Also, for what it is worth, my nannies have always offered to do stuff like this. In fact, my initial interviews give them a big list of what I expect beyond just taking care of my kids. So, if you have a professional nanny that has worked for multiple families, she is likely just used to doing stuff like this.


ETA -  This should NOT stop you from having a discussion where you say "let's just keep things as they are for a few months and then revisit organizational issues."

[aussiecrush]

As a former nanny and a mom, she's just trying to be helpful and has no clue how that might make you feel. She wants to show you she's proactive and capable, not realizing that right now just isn't the time, if ever. Be as honest as you are comfortable with about how you feel, stuff like this crops up and the faster you deal with it the better it is for everyone. Mom to mom, it would rub me the wrong way too.

[jellymankelly]

I don't think being upset about the nanny wanting to move things around and pack up his things is irrational. Going back to work is a tough adjustment, and your hormones are already whacked out from only being 7 weeks pp (and lack of sleep doesn't help).

On the other hand, if you feel like you're struggling with PPA, there's no harm in talking to someone. My DS2 was sick as a newborn as well and it's hard to relax after going through something like that, and when you throw PPA on top of that, it's miserable. I'm still more protective of him than my older son because those feelings don't just go away. Looking back, I wish I had sought treatment for the anxiety back then rather than trying to fight my way through it.

[livinitup]

Tell that bitch to GO SAT DOWN !

You'll feel better soon. You will. And tell your husband to shut up. YES, you are being completely normal. Jesus.

[hungrycaterpillar]

Jul 9, 2016 16:04:29 GMT -5 livinitup said:

Tell that bitch to GO SAT DOWN !

You'll feel better soon. You will. And tell your husband to shut up. YES, you are being completely normal. Jesus.

Thank you. You are my people.

And update. She brought a fucking label maker to label his drawers by age. I'm in the bath with a glass of wine. I told my husband y'alls suggestion and he already told her to stand down.

Jesus. A fucking label maker. I quit.

[fivechickens]

I remember someone telling me that when the baby is an infant I will get annoyed by people being helpful. Little things like the way someone unloads/loads a dishwasher will send me over the edge. I said all breezey 'oh that kind of thing doesn't bother me'.

Then I had the babies.

My MIL stayed with us for months to help. The first time she loaded the dishwasher I looking at it thinking 'WTF is??? WHY DID SHE LOAD IT THAT WAY!! I thought my head would explode.

Eventually I got over it.

Having a newborn is exhausting and regardless of how irrational someone might think you are being it bothers you and that is all that matters.

She means well and is probably trying to make things so she can do things better too. I think sarahbear had a great suggestion.

[cville]

I don't like people touching my stuff, so I feel you. I'd especially hate people touching my BABY's stuff while I'm just trying not to lose it and go back to work. I would have all the same emotions.

I would try to remind myself, however, that this is also a transition for your nanny into her new job. She's eager to show you that she's going to work hard and do her best. She's inadvertently stepping everywhere you DON'T want her to be in doing so, which sucks. I bet after a strong talk you'll work it all out.

[speckledfrog]

Is possible she's having trouble locating the things she needs? I agree with just being clear with her what your needs are right now and then revisit it in a few weeks.

[missmaddie]

Jul 9, 2016 16:15:18 GMT -5 hungrycaterpillar said:

Jul 9, 2016 16:04:29 GMT -5 livinitup said:

Tell that bitch to GO SAT DOWN !

You'll feel better soon. You will. And tell your husband to shut up. YES, you are being completely normal. Jesus.

Thank you. You are my people.

And update. She brought a fucking label maker to label his drawers by age. I'm in the bath with a glass of wine. I told my husband y'alls suggestion and he already told her to stand down.

Jesus. A fucking label maker. I quit.

would have probably had my back up that early PP too, but if she is this organized and efficient you might come to appreciate it in time. This week is clearly not that time. Hugs. I was a mess going back (though for different reasons after a year leave). My toddler-destroyed living room could use her help. Send her and her label maker my way.

[hungrycaterpillar]

Jul 9, 2016 17:07:01 GMT -5 speckledfrog said:

Is possible she's having trouble locating the things she needs? I agree with just being clear with her what your needs are right now and then revisit it in a few weeks.

Not even remotely. All the drawers are already organized by size. The closet alsp has hangers with the size markers in it.

[carrotsmakemefat]

I think it's a little of both? You have every right as the mom to go at your own pace. I also wouldn't say you have any crazy anxiety. Probably normal.

You'll get through this! Enjoy your wine and take this one day at a time. It's good your H said something to her. And when you're ready and she's willing to offer up those extra skills then readdress it. Be firm, and be thankful to her in the meantime.

[spitforspat]

A label maker?! Back off, nanny.

[lilac05]

I don't think you're being irrational in this case, but I don't think she's trying to take over your house (though I know it certainly feels like it right now!). She has a new job, and she's trying to impress you by showing you that she's there to help you in every way that she can and she won't make you ask her to do it. Unfortunately, she has gone too far for your comfort level right now (which is completely understandable!)

It sounds like she has potential to be a fantastic nanny and help around the house...after you both make this transition.

If your H's concerns about you are beyond this situation, it never hurts to talk to your doctor about how you're feeling. If it's basically just this time, I think it's perfectly normal to lose it sometimes over things that may look like "nothing" to a spouse.

I hope you enjoy your evening tonight. It gets easier!

[Deleted]

I completely understand and I think I'd feel the same way when P was 7 weeks. Now that I'm medicated and have a 17 month old, I'd LOVE that kid of nanny. She's not doing it for any reason other than she's trying to be productive and help. It's not personal.

[marlenabell]

Yes. Irrational.

Do you have specific duties outlined in your contract? If not, get it down on paper to avoid this in the future.

The nanny typically takes care of baby laundry, cooking, organizing and the like. This is all in the scope of normal. I have gotten so used to her as my second set of hands that during the weekend i struggle without her.

It is essentially having a paid family member and you really have to mesh with the person or it won't work.

If you're not on the same page, I do not see this ending well.

[honeychai]

Send her over here!

I would have loved that with my second baby, I would looooove it now with my third, but with my first I would feel how you're feeling.

There's something about putting away those darn newborn clothes :::sob:::

But I'm sure she's just trying to be helpful.

[hungrycaterpillar]

Thanks everyone. Now that we are out of the house I feel 10 times better. She's sending tons of pictures and I can look in on the nanny can at any time with my phone.

I'm sure we are going to grow into a great working relationship and I am truly grateful for her (which I let her know before we left). I will get there!

[CurlyQ284]

I think she's just trying to be helpful BUT I also think what you're feeling is 100% normal.

((Hugs))

[cbwm1]

Jul 9, 2016 19:20:26 GMT -5 @tambcat said:

I don't think your feelings on this are particularly irrational, but from your overall posting, I think it would be worth discussing medication with your doctor or therapist. And hugs. It's an emotional time in life and you guys have been through a little bit more than the average new parents.

I agree with tamb here. Taking your posts collectively from the last few weeks, I think it's worth a talk with your doctor.

My PPD/A was completely opposite though. I couldn't stand being around him, the sound of his cries made me feel like I was going to throw up, and I cried happy tears when I went back to work because it meant I got a break and didn't have to deal with him. Clearly, not normal.

I think it's good to just ask the nanny to chill because she really does have good intentions and is trying to be helpful.

(((HC)))

You'll get through this!