Post by exploding people on May 17, 2012 15:53:29 GMT -5
Have you EVER been able to discuss sex openly with him? Even if communication about other things has been fine, sex is a big one and just as important. The fact that he's such a huge asshole about it is bad news for your relationship. You clearly already know this.
If you decide to work on this relationship, make sure you find a good, sex-positive therapist.
What else happened about two or three weeks ago? Anything? Even a feeling or random thought, even if it seemed irrational?
He had a huge project that was sucking up all of his free time for the past three months or so, but it was something that was really important to him, so I made the decision to back off and let him get it done. The project wrapped about 3 weeks ago, and I thought we'd go back to "normal," but we didn't. I was trying to give him time to come back to acting like himself, but he hasn't, and now he's gone and dropped this bomb on me.
I know some people have suggested he has someone on the side, but I really don't think that's it. I think he's freaking out about marriage, and I think the end of his project might also have set him off balance, since it's something he's been working on since before he met me, so it's kind of the end of an era for him. I also honestly think he's just fallen out of the habit of being a good partner (because I wasn't asking him to be, because I was trying to give him room to do what he needed to do), and now either doesn't know how or doesn't want to get back into it.
FWIW, he's started seeing an individual counselor. I am starting to look for one, but my insurance isn't exactly offering me an abundance of options, so it may take awhile for me to find somebody.
The way I'm reading it, he's not just asking you to initiate. He wants you to act as the dominate partner here. And if it's not in your nature, it's just not in your nature.
One can initiate more often but they can't magically turn themselves into someone who will toss their man around and spontaneously jump his bones.
He had a huge project that was sucking up all of his free time for the past three months or so, but it was something that was really important to him, so I made the decision to back off and let him get it done. The project wrapped about 3 weeks ago, and I thought we'd go back to "normal," but we didn't. I was trying to give him time to come back to acting like himself, but he hasn't, and now he's gone and dropped this bomb on me.
I know some people have suggested he has someone on the side, but I really don't think that's it. I think he's freaking out about marriage, and I think the end of his project might also have set him off balance, since it's something he's been working on since before he met me, so it's kind of the end of an era for him. I also honestly think he's just fallen out of the habit of being a good partner (because I wasn't asking him to be, because I was trying to give him room to do what he needed to do), and now either doesn't know how or doesn't want to get back into it.
FWIW, he's started seeing an individual counselor. I am starting to look for one, but my insurance isn't exactly offering me an abundance of options, so it may take awhile for me to find somebody.
To me, it sounds like he's trying to get more sex and less intimacy. I don't know why and I don't think he's cheating but I do think he's magically decided that sexual gratification in a prescribed way is more important to him than having an emotional, sexual connection with you.
Post by wrathofkuus on May 17, 2012 15:57:25 GMT -5
So you've been kinda separate for a few months now, and now that you're back in it, he's not satisfied? I wonder if he didn't really mind the separateness. I wonder if he felt relieved somehow when you backed off, and feels cramped now that the two of you are back to normalish. It sucks to contemplate, but have you asked him to tell you honestly if he was happier during the past few months when you saw a lot less of each other?
He had a huge project that was sucking up all of his free time for the past three months or so, but it was something that was really important to him, so I made the decision to back off and let him get it done. The project wrapped about 3 weeks ago, and I thought we'd go back to "normal," but we didn't. I was trying to give him time to come back to acting like himself, but he hasn't, and now he's gone and dropped this bomb on me.
I know some people have suggested he has someone on the side, but I really don't think that's it. I think he's freaking out about marriage, and I think the end of his project might also have set him off balance, since it's something he's been working on since before he met me, so it's kind of the end of an era for him. I also honestly think he's just fallen out of the habit of being a good partner (because I wasn't asking him to be, because I was trying to give him room to do what he needed to do), and now either doesn't know how or doesn't want to get back into it.
FWIW, he's started seeing an individual counselor. I am starting to look for one, but my insurance isn't exactly offering me an abundance of options, so it may take awhile for me to find somebody.
To me, it sounds like he's trying to get more sex and less intimacy. I don't know why and I don't think he's cheating but I do think he's magically decided that sexual gratification in a prescribed way is more important to him than having an emotional, sexual connection with you.
Some of you are going to hate this, but it certainly sounds suspiciously similar to guys who go from watching a lot of porn and whacking off to suddenly having a girlfriend.
So you've been kinda separate for a few months now, and now that you're back in it, he's not satisfied? I wonder if he didn't really mind the separateness. I wonder if he felt relieved somehow when you backed off, and feels cramped now that the two of you are back to normalish. It sucks to contemplate, but have you asked him to tell you honestly if he was happier during the past few months when you saw a lot less of each other?
We've had that conversation, and he swears that's not it. It still might be - I'm, as we've all noted by now, not a mindreader - but I can't really do anything other than take him at his word on it, you know?
Sometimes people get use to the distractions that happen outside of the relationship that take away from closeness in a relationship. Sometimes people realize what they want/don't want when those distractions are removed. Some people actually use distractions as a way to avoid closeness in a relationship - is this the case with him? Has he always used this project as something that has come between you and him?
Post by leninacrowne on May 17, 2012 16:02:05 GMT -5
And I know - I've flat out told him he's acting like a cheater (I'm very, very familiar with how cheaters act), but he's sworn there's no one else, and I do believe him, although I know darned well that means nothing to all of you. It would be a heck of a lot easier if I didn't believe him, trust me.
Sometimes people get use to the distractions that happen outside of the relationship that take away from closeness in a relationship. Sometimes people realize what they want/don't want when those distractions are removed. Some people actually use distractions as a way to avoid closeness in a relationship - is this the case with him? Has he always used this project as something that has come between you and him?
This is the first time it's come between us, but according to him it was one of the reasons his last relationship ended (back in 2007ish, when it was first starting). That's actually a really good point that I hadn't thought about before - I'm raising this with him tonight.
Post by picklepie09 on May 17, 2012 16:08:23 GMT -5
could he be gay? don't flame me. Its valid. Maybe he is pushing you away and there is no initmacy or sex and he is "Acting" like it bothers him when in fact he is just pushing you away.
I only say this bc it happened to a coworker of mine. married for a long time. This guy used to bang every chick in town. turns out it was a front. When faced with an actual relationship with a woman he couldn't do it. he could have sex, cuz to him sex was sex but to connect with a woman he didn't have it in him. I only bring this up bc you said it happened with a previous GF.
AGain JUST throwing this out there. I don't know your DH or you and he could be the straightest arrow in the bunch.
I have been engaged for nine months, wedding is in 3 months. Last week, FI came home and told me he felt like there wasn't enough intimacy in our relationship, emotional or physical, and he was thinking of calling off the wedding.
Setting aside the sex issue, which everyone else has covered quite well, your FI just said he's thinking of calling off the wedding. That's not something dropped lightly, especially three months in advance. It's possible that he's getting cold feet, but YOU don't want to marry someone who's questioning if he wants to marry you!
There are obviously some big issues to work through, if you decide to stay and work on them, but I can't see a single scenario in which it's a good idea to still get married in three months.
Post by leninacrowne on May 17, 2012 16:18:14 GMT -5
I hate all of these answers.
Okay, not really. I just hate that he gets to blow up our entire life together, and somehow it falls to me to be the grownup and actually call things off. Not fair. My life was not supposed to turn out this way.
Okay, not really. I just hate that he gets to blow up our entire life together, and somehow it falls to me to be the grownup and actually call things off. Not fair. My life was not supposed to turn out this way.
You don't have to be the grown up, you get to be. He's just being the asshole.
Okay, not really. I just hate that he gets to blow up our entire life together, and somehow it falls to me to be the grownup and actually call things off. Not fair. My life was not supposed to turn out this way.
Shitty, right?
You could call his bluff and end up getting married and thinking, "what the fuck did I do?" the next time this comes up. You know, like on your wedding night or your honeymoon.
I'm sorry. Really. ITA with Smock. Three months just is not enough time.
Post by leninacrowne on May 17, 2012 16:26:40 GMT -5
This is going to sound melodramatic, but I honestly feel like, by calling things off with him, I'm pretty much resigning myself to never having a family. I'm staring down calling off my engagement to someone who, up until a little while ago, I honestly and genuinely believed was perfect for me. If he's not the right guy, the right guy doesn't exist. I have absolutely no idea how I'm going to get through this.
Post by wrathofkuus on May 17, 2012 16:31:56 GMT -5
You're allowed to be a little melodramatic right now, but the rational side of you still realizes that you're only 27 and you've only actually tried three out of three BILLION men on this planet, right?
This is going to sound melodramatic, but I honestly feel like, by calling things off with him, I'm pretty much resigning myself to never having a family. I'm staring down calling off my engagement to someone who, up until a little while ago, I honestly and genuinely believed was perfect for me. If he's not the right guy, the right guy doesn't exist. I have absolutely no idea how I'm going to get through this.
Counseling. Get counseling. It seems impossible, but people do do it, every day. And they end up happier and stronger for it in the end, and so will you. In time.
The time to give this guy all the power over your life stops today because you are going to take it back for yourself.
Post by picklepickle on May 17, 2012 16:34:59 GMT -5
He sounds like a total asshat. Counseling may help with the bad comm skills. I 100% agree with PP: don't even concern yourself with a wedding right now.
I am going to say this as kindly as I can and as a person who has called off an engagement and survived to tell the tale.
If one party is feeling reservations deep enough to give voice to them, there is something deeply wrong and it's probably not in anyone's best interest to try to "fix" that.
There is something, deep inside of him, that is saying "this is wrong". Regardless of the specifics, this is something that is rooted to the core of your relationship, especially since you say there hasn't been a lot of indication of things going south this quickly before. That is powerful and that is something that neither him, or you, should ignore.
Get counseling and give him what a) he wants and b) you need, that is, call this thing off. Don't fucking do it. You may be afraid right now, you may be sad, you may be angry, you may be confused. But you won't have a divorce under your belt or kids that are caught in the crossfire, which is exactly what you'll be staring down if you go through with the marriage and try to force things to work in the few coming years.
Your emotions are going to cycle. I personality cycled a lot between being scared shitless and then being excited to be free. For me, clinging to that "free" feeling was what carried me through everything. Find what feeling makes you feel okay, like things will be okay, and concentrate on it and keep it close and cling to it. You will be okay, I promise you that.
This is going to sound melodramatic, but I honestly feel like, by calling things off with him, I'm pretty much resigning myself to never having a family. I'm staring down calling off my engagement to someone who, up until a little while ago, I honestly and genuinely believed was perfect for me. If he's not the right guy, the right guy doesn't exist. I have absolutely no idea how I'm going to get through this.
LISTEN TO ME!
My XH pulled away from me sexually too and made it my fault just like your FI is making it your fault. Someone suggested to me that he was cheating and, like you, I NEVER thought he would do that to me. Guess what? He was.
Obviously something is going on with your FI if he is in counseling. Happy, content people do not go to counseling. You are not happy either. Neither one of you is in any shape to get married to each other right now.
And you sit here and talk about resigning yourself to not have a family? You are young!!! You still have a lot of time to find someone that will make you feel great about yourself and that you won't have any reservations about. Believe me, it is better to start over now then in the next few years when you are a single mom or even older than you are now.
I am 33 and in the process of breaking up with my boyfriend whom, at one point, I thought about marrying. I could totally bury my head in the sand because, like you, I want a partner and I want kids. But you know what? I deserve more. I owe it to myself to get more than what I am getting right now.
Honestly, it sounds like your fiance has been with way too many women in his life and that usually causes problems for relationships and intimacy. He sounds like he has some hang-ups and expectations that you can never meet. I see red flags all over the place in what you described. You should be a happy bride if you plan on getting married and and happy bride to be is not what you sound like at all.
I know I am getting dramatic here it is the best way I can explain in in a short paragraph. When you pick a person to marry, it is a lot like picking out a pet at the pet store. You want to pick the happy, mellow, healthy and energentic cute puppy. It sounds like this puppy(your fiance) has problems and issues right off the bat. All I hear from pet owners who are taking care of a sick puppy say it is hard work all the way through. now...caring for a sick puppy is noble but a spouse should be your equal.