Post by nowwhathelp on Sept 15, 2016 11:43:47 GMT -5
So I'm not sure what to do or think and need advice. Last night H had an out of town work meeting (1.5 hours away). I had sent him a text and saw that he read it at 6:45. I thought he would be on his way home at that point and I was trying to get something taken care of that needed his help. Tried calling and it rang once then went to voicemail. Tried calling him again about ten minutes later and it rang and rang then went to voicemail. I check his find my friends location and it said location not available even though it had been previously. I text him at 7:10 asking can you call me and he calls. He said he's just now leaving and will be home a little late because traffic is bad. He claimed he hadn't seen my text. So then he gets home a little after nine and he is eating dinner and I realize he isn't wearing his wedding ring. I go upstairs to see if he left it up there somewhere and can't find it. I go back downstairs and say I'm not trying to overreact but where is your ring. He says oh, I must have taken it off to do yard work. I said it's not upstairs and you haven't done yard work recently. I said your behavior is making me suspicious and you are being shady, explaining the texts and find my friends. Then he gets mad and says that he didn't do anything, he doesn't like that I was checking up on him on fmf, etc. he ends up going upstairs, changing clothes and then leaves. He turns off his fmf and then comes home two hours later and sleeps in another room. He's not said anything to me so far today or since last night.
Two years ago h admitted that he has a self confidence issue where he feels like he needs outside attention and he knows he has this problem and I thought we had worked through it. He said then that he would never actually cheat, but he would look for attention from other women sometimes - usually via fb. He works two jobs and has been taking two masters programs, plus we have a new baby and, until last night, it's not like he's ever gone MIA like this. Things obviously have been crazy with his schedule and the new baby, so when he was acting shady it raised my suspicions and not seeing a ring threw me for a loop last night.
I'm sorry you're having to go through this, especially with a young kid. I think it's likely he's cheating. I mean why else would he turn off the FMF and not tell you what he was doing/ignore your text and call. I'd let it die down and not discuss again while you look at phone records, credit card bills, and decide what you want to do if you feel he is cheating (therapy, divorce, etc).
I can't tell you what is best to do but I can tell you what I did when I found myself in a similar situation to yours. What I did to my XH when he was acting shady was look up phone records (which frequent numbers were internet searched). Then I caught him off guard and said "I need your phone right now or we are getting divorced". And I meant it too and was prepared to walk away. So I found he deleted texts from this chick but not FB messages. which were in line with "Hey I'm in my room now. Come over". So on top of the text messages and picture messages at 2 am I got him to at least admit to an emotional affair and said he "just talked" in her dorm room. K. I got tested for STDS just in case.
So we did therapy but he didn't like it so only went once and turned into a raging, abusive asshole so we divorced anyway. But I went through everything in his phone and was prepared to either work through it if he admitted the affair or walk away. That's the ONLY reason I gave him the ultimatum.
I think his reaction and actions leaving and giving you the ST doesn't bode well for your situation. I would absolutely talk to him about what really happened last night and why he reacted that way. Is this normal for him to disregard your feelings and give you the silent treatment? Hugs.
The not responding to text and calls doesn't really bother me. When I'm at a work event I don't check my phone a lot and it's on silent. Also I might scroll and read your text, but then not respond because I can't right then or get distracted (reasons I don't have read receipt turned on LOL). But the find my friends thing is what I find odd along with the ring. Had he truly turned off the FMF, or was he just unavailable? I know it's not the most reliable service.
I think his reaction and actions leaving and giving you the ST doesn't bode well for your situation. I would absolutely talk to him about what really happened last night and why he reacted that way. Is this normal for him to disregard your feelings and give you the silent treatment? Hugs.
The silent treatment is his go to way to deal with things when he is mad. He says part of it is because he's mad and doesn't want to say something he will regret, but the other part is he can be a jerk when we fight. We have communication issues when it comes to disagreements. He needs space and is introverted. I'm a talk it all out and I need resolution now kind of person.
Well I need space when I'm in a disagreement to sort out how I feel, but leaving, not telling you where he's going, coming back and giving the silent treatment like this is not cool or healthy behavior. If y'all can actually sit down and have a conversation about what happened last night and how he reacted, I would then talk about going to see a therapist. If anything, it would probably be beneficial for you to be in therapy with or without him.
I'm also not going to respond to texts/calls when working. What made you check his find my friends in the first place? Did you have suspicions prior to the missed calls/texts?
If he needs space and you need to talk it out, maybe writing a letter would be a compromise to get dialog started.
Post by CrazyLucky on Sept 16, 2016 10:28:39 GMT -5
I'm often not reachable for long periods of time because I don't have my cell phone with me all the time. BUT, his immediate jump to being defensive and then turning it around on you is such a red flag. If DH had questions for me, like you have for your H, I could probably see his point and do what I could to explain the reason for them, even though I'd be hurt that he jumped to cheating as the most likely reason. The fact that your H shut you down so quickly says a lot. It sounds like he's under a lot of stress, and you probably are too. The first year of a baby's life is tough. That's not an excuse to cheat or seek attention elsewhere. I hope you are able to get some satisfactory answers and work through it, whatever the best outcome is for you and your child.
Post by nextbigthing on Sept 16, 2016 13:05:51 GMT -5
the three red flags for me are
1. he read the text and didn't respond, then went MIA 2. The wedding ring missing 3. The super defensive response
My STBXH didn't cheat (that I know of) but he was a huge liar and was SO defensive about everything and he'd always turn it around on me. Since I kicked him out all sorts of other lies have come out and I wish I'd known more then.
I also don't like how he told you he'd look for attention from women on facebook that's odd too
I'm so sorry you're going through this but one of my favorite phrases I've heard lately is "if people show you who they are, believe them".
Post by itsmyparty on Sept 16, 2016 14:32:38 GMT -5
As with some of the others, I, too, am sometimes slow to respond to text or calls. Sometimes it's because I may not be in a good place to text/call back, and sometimes it's just because I don't have my phone glued to my hand and flat-out miss a text or call. I realize in this case you can see he read your text (this is one reason I'm an Android girl), but I wouldn't necessarily be miffed if it took him a while to respond.
What WOULD bother me is his reaction to your questions. Instead of reassuring you, he got defensive and tried to turn it on you. Not to mention his past behavior and things he's said would make me suspicious. Either way, the way he handled himself is not an OK way to deal with confrontation moving forward.
I'm sorry. It sound a bit odd. Not answering texts..it happens. I don't know about find my friends because honestly, if we need to check where the other one is....something is wrong. I can understand using a service like that with a child, but not with a SO/spouse. Maybe others will disagree here, but it's my personal feeling.
The wedding ring missing when he always wears it is a problem for me. His getting defensive is also a problem. If you feel like something is "off", trust your gut.
I'm sorry. It sound a bit odd. Not answering texts..it happens. I don't know about find my friends because honestly, if we need to check where the other one is....something is wrong. I can understand using a service like that with a child, but not with a SO/spouse. Maybe others will disagree here, but it's my personal feeling.
The wedding ring missing when he always wears it is a problem for me. His getting defensive is also a problem. If you feel like something is "off", trust your gut.
My therapist told me something like this. She said "you should never have to worry where your spouse is or what's on their phone". It struck a chord and I've thought about it alot. I made too many excuses in my head for why stbxh was a lying asshole.
I'm sorry. It sound a bit odd. Not answering texts..it happens. I don't know about find my friends because honestly, if we need to check where the other one is....something is wrong. I can understand using a service like that with a child, but not with a SO/spouse. Maybe others will disagree here, but it's my personal feeling.
The wedding ring missing when he always wears it is a problem for me. His getting defensive is also a problem. If you feel like something is "off", trust your gut.
My therapist told me something like this. She said "you should never have to worry where your spouse is or what's on their phone". It struck a chord and I've thought about it alot. I made too many excuses in my head for why stbxh was a lying asshole.
I agree. I too made excuses in my head (and to others) about what a shitty asshole xh was. He cheated..I found out via the cellphone. Never thought I'd be able to trust again.
BUT, here I am 4 years after divorce and 3 years into a healthy relationship and there are no such issues. We don't look at each other's phones or hassle each other about stuff. If someone is going to cheat they will likely eventually get caught. We trust each other because there's no reason not to.
Don't know how long you and stbx are apart or your backstory (but by your post I can assume he's a lying asshole). I just want to let you know that it gets better after time. Take time for yourself and become you again. It sucks that so many of us go through dealing with such dickbags.
@blueyes623 I've used FMF with quite a few family and friends and our purpose isn't to stalk them or confirm their whereabouts but more so to see their location if it makes sense to text them about something or if they are traveling to you, you can see how close they've gotten. I get the impression the OP was just seeing if he had left yet and was getting close to home.
@blueyes623 I've used FMF with quite a few family and friends and our purpose isn't to stalk them or confirm their whereabouts but more so to see their location if it makes sense to text them about something or if they are traveling to you, you can see how close they've gotten. I get the impression the OP was just seeing if he had left yet and was getting close to home.
This is how H and I use it too. My mom and I use it the same way.
H is literally the first man I've ever been with whom I HAVEN'T needed to check up on, because I trust him implicitly, but we use it more for convenience than anything. We joke and call it "wife tracker" or "husband tracker" but we don't use it in a stalking way.