Basic Training Troubles

[MixedBerryJam]

Hi all. I hope you don't mind that I'm back for more advice. I think you're going to tell me hands off (really, who am I kidding? Like I have any options here in the first place.) Anyhow, my son enlisted in the Army last November and left for basic training on 8/23 (it was a long year of anticipation for sure) and was in the reception area until about 2 weeks ago, when he got to Fort Benning and started basic. 

He. Hates. It. His most recent letter said he's "working on coming home" (which I don't really even know what that means.) I think he's feeling like a major failure. He told me he's letting his platoon down -- he's has a very slight build and I suspect he's trailing the pack in the physical aspects -- running slower, able to lift lighter loads, etc. (But I'm just guessing at the details.) I think he thinks he knew what to expect, but he didn't expect the extreme-ness of it ... the drill sargeant yelling in his face, the middle-of-the-night inspections, the stuff you see in movies that you think is exaggerated but turns it, it isn't.

In my most recent letter I told him that I understood that he wanted to give up and of course he could come home if that's what he and the Army agree to but that I hoped he'd try to stick it out through basic so he can do the armor training he's really interested in. I told him that come what may I was still proud of his courage and he should be too because most of us don't even have the courage to try, and there he is, signing up and doing it.

His letter told me not to bother getting tickets to go to the graduation. This broke my heart.

What words of wisdom can I share with him that will make it not suck as bad, or make the sucking bad more tolerable?

Also, how does he know if he HAS made a mistake, and the Army isn't right for him? Like I say, I'm feeling like this is pretty much out of my hands, as he's an adult now, but I feel so sad for him.

[panicked]

This is SO par for the course. I got a letter like that, as did every family member I talked to at graduation. Everyone is feeling like they made a mistake at this point in BCT. But he will get past that soon. A lot of the training at his point in training is individual (pt tests, etc). The next few weeks is very much team-building focused (field time).

If he starts having mental health issues, the cadre will have him evaluated. Otherwise, they will encourage him to stick it out.

Trust me, no one enjoys BCT, but there are thousands upon thousands who have gotten through it!

[MixedBerryJam]

Sept 16, 2016 18:38:47 GMT -5 panicked said:

This is SO par for the course. I got a letter like that, as did every family member I talked to at graduation. Everyone is feeling like they made a mistake at this point in BCT. But he will get past that soon. A lot of the training at his point in training is individual (pt tests, etc). The next few weeks is very much team-building focused (field time).

If he starts having mental health issues, the cadre will have him evaluated. Otherwise, they will encourage him to stick it out.

Trust me, no one enjoys BCT, but there are thousands upon thousands who have gotten through it!

Thank you so much for this! You are so, so reassuring. So he just keeps on keeping on, and so do I. It's so hard to watch, esp from a distance. It also makes me particularly sad that he hasn't had his father to toughen him up. I haven't been much of a male role model for him! 

[panicked]

Sept 16, 2016 19:22:59 GMT -5 MixedBerryJam said:

Sept 16, 2016 18:38:47 GMT -5 panicked said:

This is SO par for the course. I got a letter like that, as did every family member I talked to at graduation. Everyone is feeling like they made a mistake at this point in BCT. But he will get past that soon. A lot of the training at his point in training is individual (pt tests, etc). The next few weeks is very much team-building focused (field time).

If he starts having mental health issues, the cadre will have him evaluated. Otherwise, they will encourage him to stick it out.

Trust me, no one enjoys BCT, but there are thousands upon thousands who have gotten through it!

Thank you so much for this! You are so, so reassuring. So he just keeps on keeping on, and so do I. It's so hard to watch, esp from a distance. It also makes me particularly sad that he hasn't had his father to toughen him up. I haven't been much of a male role model for him! 

Just keep writing to him, that's a major boost for morale. I would send the sport scores from the paper each day; just something to take his mind off of being away from home. The first three -ish weeks are the hardest. It will get better!

[panicked]

Sept 16, 2016 19:41:56 GMT -5 @gracie6414 said:

Agreed. I call home and told my mom it felt like jail.

I couldn't tolerate anyone thinking I couldn't hack so I pushed beyond my comfort zone but I also met people that I bonded with. To this day 10 years later I still have those bonds of friendship.

He can do it, encourage him, listen. Send letter upon letter. Maybe send a pic of something he really enjoys so he can focus on it while shining boots.

Pssst... they don't shine boots anymore! ;-)

[panicked]

Sept 16, 2016 19:48:50 GMT -5 @gracie6414 said:

Also WTF do they do in the evenings week 5 onward? I got a double eye infection from brushing and shining our boots so much and so late that I'd rub my tired eyes and just grind all that shit in!
I had thrice daily eye drops for two weeks of basic lol

They clean. A LOT.

[MixedBerryJam]

Aw, shoot. I think I have an update. So, I was on vacation out of the country most of the time he was at Basic. He called me and told he he was leaving from the reception area something like the night before I left, which is the only reason I'm kind of confident of my timeline.

I just noticed (I didn't receive any notification or anything, and AFAICT the phone didn't ring at the time) that he called and left a voice mail on 9/12 (so, last Sunday I think) with the news that one of the letters also contained, that he was done training and coming home but didn't know when. So he's been not training for a full week now. There's no chance that, even if he changed his mind, that they'd let him restart, is there?

I'm assuming I didn't have phone service when the call came in, but I'm so upset right now that I can't do the time change calculations to know where I was or what I was doing when he called. That was the last full day of my vacation. He sounded so broken when he left that message.

Of course now I've freaked and called every possible phone number I can find for Benning online, but of course they're all closed until Monday. Not that they could do anything anyway, but if he's on his way home, why don't they give him his damn phone back so his mom can reach him? (Rhetorical question. Mostly.)

I'm heartbroken for him. This is all he's talked about for the last year. Even if he can't restart training and try to catch up with his platoon-mates, I hope he still gets and reads the letters I've written telling him how proud I am of him that he even tried.

I'm disappointed for him, but that's tempered by the fact that I missed his call in the first place. I feel like I failed him.

panicked,@gracie6414,

[panicked]

Did he say that he was done with training as in "I'm so done with this, I'm coming home no matter what they say" or was it more of a concrete "the army is kicking me out" message? The army spends a lot of time, money, and effort on soldier retention; it's unlikely that they will just let him walk. It can happen, but he signed a contract, so they will try to hold onto him.

He can get "recycled" which means he'd start over with the next training group, depending on where he stopped training.

If he is getting out officially, he should be able to have his phone soon.

[MixedBerryJam]

Sept 17, 2016 13:07:20 GMT -5 panicked said:

Did he say that he was done with training as in "I'm so done with this, I'm coming home no matter what they say" or was it more of a concrete "the army is kicking me out" message? The army spends a lot of time, money, and effort on soldier retention; it's unlikely that they will just let him walk. It can happen, but he signed a contract, so they will try to hold onto him.

He can get "recycled" which means he'd start over with the next training group, depending on where he stopped training.

If he is getting out officially, he should be able to have his phone soon.

I wish he'd been that clear. He literally said, "I'm done with training" in the voice mail, and "I stopped training a few days ago" in a letter he wrote that I got yesterday. So no mention at all that the Army thinks he can't cut it. Just him. I spoke to his recruiter earlier today (I think it was after I made my original post) and he said restarting training was mostly a matter of if he could catch up. If he's describing himself as "the back of the pack" and "letting his platoon down" then I'm thinking he thinks he won't be able to catch up, or keep up once he does. He just sounded so heartbroken in that voice mail. Also the fact that he hasn't been training for a full week really concerns me.

Also, I assume (possibly wrongly) if he's getting out because the Army thinks it's a danger for him to continue (like, mental-health-wise) wouldn't they have contacted his family for intervention or something?

[MixedBerryJam]

Sept 17, 2016 13:07:20 GMT -5 panicked said:

Did he say that he was done with training as in "I'm so done with this, I'm coming home no matter what they say" or was it more of a concrete "the army is kicking me out" message? The army spends a lot of time, money, and effort on soldier retention; it's unlikely that they will just let him walk. It can happen, but he signed a contract, so they will try to hold onto him.

He can get "recycled" which means he'd start over with the next training group, depending on where he stopped training.

If he is getting out officially, he should be able to have his phone soon.

Also, this bolded has me wondering, too. I wish I knew wth was going on. I've only heard what he's told me, and he hasn't told me much, but I can't imagine the Army being all, "You want to walk? 'Sokay by me."

The only reason I'm still typing is because if I'm not typing I'm wringing my hands. Off to handwring ...

[MixedBerryJam]

Also, I found the Fort Benning phone directory online and I found his division and a bunch of phone numbers (LOL I'm not going to call his Commander but I want to). Most of the numbers are not answering or answering with "We're closed/our office hours are blah blah blah" but one I'm getting a busy signal. That' the number labelled "Staff Duty" for his division (I think it's the division - it's 1-81 Armor Staff Duty) So as long as I get a busy signal I don't think they know I'm dialing them so I figured I'd keep trying until I don't get a busy signal any more. Then they'll either be able to help me or I'll get that same office hours recording. No harm no foul.

[MixedBerryJam]

Sept 17, 2016 13:28:55 GMT -5 Stan said:

I never felt that way but a lot of people do. The really sad thing is he'll be done sooner if he finishes than they'd let him go home if he quits. He'll just be stuck there and more miserable. Not training but treated even worse. There were people who quit who were stuck there for six months.

I hope he makes it. It's hard and it sucks but he's gotta get through it to get to the good stuff.

That's what he said! Will he be cleaning toilets and peeling potatoes? Exercising until he pukes sounds much more doable!

[MixedBerryJam]

Sept 17, 2016 13:30:25 GMT -5 Stan said:

Oh no. I posted because I had the window open before you updated. Keep talking with his recruiter. Don't call random numbers. I'm so sorry though.

His recruiter sort of gave me a "don't call me again" vibe. He was very kind and understanding and he didn't say it outright but he was pretty much "We can't do anything from here. We can't contact them once we've sent them" but he didn't say anything about contacting the Drill Sargent (or whoever) on Geoff's behalf. So he didn't give me the sense that contacting him again would result in any escalation .  But you're right. I won't keep calling that busy signal number.

[brandienee]

I know that I am late to this party, but I would really encourage him to see the training through. Tell him that it's not unlike joining a sport and having to see through to the end of the season. If by the time graduation comes, he still doesn't think he is cut out for it, then fine. He is always welcome home. There is a reason that it's hard, he needs to go through this. At this point it's more than being worthy of the job, he has to prove it to himself that he can get through. One day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time.

You didn't fail as a mom. He needs to feel this disappointment for a little bit and get back to it.

[MixedBerryJam]

So far I've only had one phone message from him since he left the reception area (I finally calculated I was in a plane over the Atlantic Ocean when he called) but other than that, it's only letters. Does he call once a week or something? (that's mostly a rhetorical question. I realize I have no idea when he'll call again.) So I'm composing another letter telling him that I understand they try to make this "holding pattern" unpleasant enough that he wants to go back to regular Basic. That's about right, eh?

[sarahsays]

Sept 18, 2016 14:46:23 GMT -5 MixedBerryJam said:

So far I've only had one phone message from him since he left the reception area (I finally calculated I was in a plane over the Atlantic Ocean when he called) but other than that, it's only letters. Does he call once a week or something? (that's mostly a rhetorical question. I realize I have no idea when he'll call again.) So I'm composing another letter telling him that I understand they try to make this "holding pattern" unpleasant enough that he wants to go back to regular Basic. That's about right, eh?

I was AF not Army, but there was no rhyme or reason to when they allowed us to make phone calls home in basic training. I would imagine that sense their goal is to retain, the separation squadron would be much the same.

[MixedBerryJam]

Thank you so much for all your help through this, all. I received a new letter and am actually more concerned than ever. In his most recent letter he told me that he is continuing to work on separating, and that he will likely receive a summarized Article 15 and a general discharge. However, there is a chance he could receive a dishonorable discharge. Cue Mom-panic-mode. Can they do that? How likely is that? 

I do not think he fully realizes the lifelong effects a dishonorable discharge will have on his employment and education opportunities for the rest of his life. At this point I honestly don't think it matters to me whether he stays in or leaves, I just don't want him to have a dishonorable discharge follow him for life.

I may have mentioned this upthread, but in case I didn't (I'm pretty upset at the moment) I tried to call the chaplain over the weekend and didn't get an answer. I tried again this morning and still no answer (it wass definitely within "normal" office hours) and don't know what, if anything, I can, or should, do next.

I know I'm not the only mother of a recruit who struggled with basic training. I really, really appreciate that you all have taken my concerns seriously and not just rolled your eyes at me. Thank you for that.

panicked,@gracie6414,Stan,brandienee,sarahsays,

[panicked]

Sept 19, 2016 10:35:38 GMT -5 MixedBerryJam said:

Thank you so much for all your help through this, all. I received a new letter and am actually more concerned than ever. In his most recent letter he told me that he is continuing to work on separating, and that he will likely receive a summarized Article 15 and a general discharge. However, there is a chance he could receive a dishonorable discharge. Cue Mom-panic-mode. Can they do that? How likely is that? 

I do not think he fully realizes the lifelong effects a dishonorable discharge will have on his employment and education opportunities for the rest of his life. At this point I honestly don't think it matters to me whether he stays in or leaves, I just don't want him to have a dishonorable discharge follow him for life.

I may have mentioned this upthread, but in case I didn't (I'm pretty upset at the moment) I tried to call the chaplain over the weekend and didn't get an answer. I tried again this morning and still no answer (it wass definitely within "normal" office hours) and don't know what, if anything, I can, or should, do next.

I know I'm not the only mother of a recruit who struggled with basic training. I really, really appreciate that you all have taken my concerns seriously and not just rolled your eyes at me. Thank you for that.

panicked,@gracie6414,Stan,brandienee,sarahsays,

Okay, first, BREATHE. It's going to be okay. Yes, they *can* give a dishonorable discharge. However, they usually don't, unless there is some huge issue. Dropping out of BCT isn't really dishonorable worthy, compared to some of the other stuff that gets people a dishonorable. A general discharge or even "other than honorable" would most likely be what they give him.

Also, those letters are not sent out the same day the soldier mails them. Usually there is quite a lag. Keep that in mind!

I wouldn't be calling anyone right now. There isn't anything they can really do. If he needs anything, as far as talking with a chaplain or seeing mental health, they will get him there.

[panicked]

MixedBerryJam
Check out
armybasic.homestead.com/leaving.html

[MixedBerryJam]

Sept 19, 2016 10:59:03 GMT -5 panicked said:

Sept 19, 2016 10:35:38 GMT -5 MixedBerryJam said:

...

Okay, first, BREATHE. ...

LOL. I'm trying! I'm not exactly famous for my grace under pressure!

Sept 19, 2016 11:02:53 GMT -5 panicked said:

...
armybasic.homestead.com/leaving.html

This was extra-super helpful. Thank you both!

[foundmylazybum]

Hello, I actually work at Fort Benning.

Have you tried to get in touch with the command team there? Like his Company Commander? It sounds kind of silly but it might actually help and they might be able to give you a more accurate view of exactly where he is in the process and if it can be stopped or what not. Also if you do...honestly I'd encourage him to stick it out, that you are there for him and that he has a lot of strengths he can utilize and develop there. NOT tell him you will be proud of him no matter what, even if he quits. It gives him an out, and if you are wanting him to stay then you probably don't want to do that.

Finally, at about 2-3 weeks in, trainees can do things like march around, stand at parade rest and address cadre appropriately, and do things with his platoon including getting yelled at. If he can do that--he's doing great. Maybe he thought he would be doing more, or better in terms of "Army stuff" but the cadre will get him there. Adjust expectations and take it day by day, moment by moment.

[MixedBerryJam]

I have, actually. I found a pdf online of some of Fort Benning and it includes his division (might be calling it the wrong thing, but he's in the 194th and I found that on the list. No one has answered a phone all day! These are desk phones, I'm sure, and they all carry their cell phones. I was really hoping to hear from him today (he called on Monday last week and I was hoping it would be a once-a-week schedule or something) so I'm super disappointed I haven't. It really sounds like the Army is letting him go - one of his letters was very specific about what would happen, etc. I really really want him to keep after it, though. This kid has sticktoitiveness out the whazoo. Thanks so much for your feedback.

I'm actually a recovering alcoholic, and while he knows this, he didn't see a whole lot of my active drinking, and while I talk a bit about the risks of addiction I haven't talked too much about how hard it was (it was fucking hard). One of my letters explained "one day at a time" and how sometimes I lived in 10-minute increments, not thinking I'd even get through the next 10. I hope that helps him a bit. Again, thank you so much for responding. I'm really worried, but trying not to. Thanks

ETA. As evidence of how agitated I am, I actually thought that last exchange was a pm. I won't take anything out but PDQ that last paragraph




PDQ.

[blondemoment123]

MixedBerryJam Any updates? I was thinking about you today.

[MixedBerryJam]

Thanks for asking! I actually did call the chaplain's office and spoke with the chaplain for his battalion/brigade/company (I don't know which) and told him my concerns. Turns out the Chaplain's office is in the building right next door to where they're housing him. He's with 18 other kids who are all separating, so I guess it really is happening. He's started talking about how he may be better suited for the Navy or Air Force, and while I think that's pretty unrealistic I'm not saying that to him, of course. I still haven't gotten from him whose "idea" this is, but he says he'll be getting a general discharge for "refusal to train" which, really doesn't sound like him so I don't know wtf that means or what the repercussions will be. He refers to this group he's with as "quitters" so I'm kind of focussing on that and talking about how he's not quitting -- he's realized this is a mistake and, on the spectrum of mistakes an 18yo kid can make his first time away from home, enlisting in the Army is one he can be proud of, and I'm still super proud of him for trying.

I still have so many questions that I don't have answers to, but I guess I'll get the answers when he's ready to give thim. He still sounds very down, but it sounds like he's beginning to dig himself out of that black hole.

Again, thank you all for all your kind words. You have been helpful and informative and extremely comforting. I hope you and your families are all safe!

[Deleted]

My friend got a general discharge and she's now 5th grade teacher. It's not the end of the world. It just wasn't the right fit for him and that's okay.

[Deleted]

MixedBerryJam, I hope everything is okay and you've been able to talk to your son.

[MixedBerryJam]

Thanks! I still haven't talked to him, actually. I get letters almost every day but I still haven't heard his voice. His letters talk about coming home, going to school and maybe trying another branch. I don't have the heart to tell him what I think the likelihood of this working out is, so I'll let him live with that idea at least for now. He sounds really depressed, but I think my letters are helping, and I think him writing this stuff down in letters to me is therapeutic for him, too. Thanks again.

[Aquatica]

I've been quietly following this but I'm glad you are getting his letters. I hope you get to speak to your son soon.

[MixedBerryJam]

Sept 19, 2016 15:42:45 GMT -5 foundmylazybum said:

...

fmlb, I just PM'd you.

[Pilsy]

I just stumbled across this, on my way to MM Moms. I hope he's doing ok, MBJ, and that he finds something that truly makes him happy.