Spanking

[cookiemdough]

Do you know black adult males who were not spanked as children? I was thinking about this and I know plenty of women but no men. In fact the men seem to be the biggest advocate of it as shaping them as men and teaching respect and discipline for boys.

[cookiemdough]

I yes I am writing this because I am becoming unsure about effective discipline for my growing son. I am divorced but his dad is active in his life so it is not some lack of male role model thing. But he is talking back more and not listening more...but only to me.

[cookiemdough]

Pressed enter too soon...

Anyway he is well behaved in school. Respectful to adults. So he knows better and how to act in public. But I feel like he is testing limits with me at home and I am worried that I will wake up one day to a 16 year old telling me naw he isn't cleaning his room cause he doesn't feel like it.

[cookiemdough]

Also I am not convinced reasonable spanking (not beating) is the devil. Just like I don't think I should have to take my kid out of the car to go to the walk up ATM. Yet I am aware that society feels differently.

So what effective discipline tools are you doing for black son's so they don't end up cursing their mama one day.

[kicks]

Off the top of my head, nope can't think of any black men that weren't spanked in conversations I've had. My boyfriend is from the Caribbean so he was pretty much beat by today's standards, but he said he deserved it, ha.

I think I was spanked by my dad 2 times, it was always last resort. I think I was hit by my mom in anger once. I was a good kid

I don't think I'll be "pro-spanking" when/if I have kids, but it's not like it's something off the table and I don't judge anyone who spanks. Obviously I view spanking and beating differently,

[kicks]

Dec 14, 2016 9:29:53 GMT -5 @246baje said:

I was spanked a few times as a child by my mother. Never by my father. He did this dismissive annoying flicking of his hands that made me feel worse than a spanking.

DH was spanked as a kid.

I have spanked DS before, DD is too young and has a different personality. She is easily distracted and redirected DS has always had frightening focus and determination. DS also had no currency until recently (loss of tablet time) and was defiant as fuck.

I have removed all toys before and he gave me the so what face and continued with the behavior. He has been spanked twice by me, once when he pissed on my floor in defiance after I gave him a time out.

I now do the countdown from 5 with the understanding that if I get to 1 it's a spanking. That has worked as a discipline method and to minimize spankings.

I don't feel guilt about it. Some of my son's white peers are already screaming in their parent's faces fuck if that's how it's going to end up in this house.

Yes the countdown always worked with me as a kid, that put a fear in god in me!

[sfy]

I don't know any, but tbh, it's not a topic that comes up often. Like I know my DH was spanked and my best friend's DH was spanked, but those are probably the only two I can say for sure either way. Our closest couple friends have a 15 year old, he has never been spanked and he is very respectful. They have very good communication and I can't even see him fixing his mind to think about it, because of how they talk with him. I think some children respond to spankings and some don't, and of course, there's no point in doing it if they don't respond to it. I was too young/immature to evaluate other methods of discipline seriously when I had DS, so I spanked, mostly because it was what I thought was supposed to do. He never gave me any real problems, I'm happy both with the child he was and the man he has become. But, I do think if I'd had him 10 years later, he probably would have been spanked less, if at all. As we grew older together, the punishments varied--I tried to be more creative to make the punishment fit the crime rather than spanking being one size fits all. And he wasn't punished that often, but I was always consistent and I didn't take any nonsense. None. I've never let anything slide, because I'm not about that life. I know I'm not an easy mom to have and at times, it's cost me being close to him, but such is life. It's worth to me for how he's turning out.

Anyway, the part about spanking that troubles me now in hindsight is the disconnect between saying, "I love you more than anyone in the world," and then physically harming him. On the other hand, I was spanked and I don't feel any kind of negative way about it now. My sister was never spanked. But we have very different personalities. I don't know that it changed anything for me, because I was a terrible child, even with the spankings lol. So again, it just depends.

[thejackpot]

My cousin who is 30 is the only bm that I know was never spanked. My ds1 is 8 and he's received a handful of spankings. I can remember three but there may have been another one. He's super easy to impact without hitting. I think it requires work to figure out how to get them in line and some little ones require more than a stern look or talk. My daughter is that type. She gets it from her Momma 😂

[childofhiphop]

It's tough. My DH was spanked and he's well rounded. I was spanked by my Mom only - my Dad only had to poke me in the shoulder and I seriously thought my world would end. We both turned out mostly okay despite our sarcasm and quirks.

We only have foster kids. So absolutely no spanking. One I think would benefit greatly from a pat-pat on the butt but it's off the table. I have found what works for each of them. The brother would die without tv - especially his cartoons. He's 9. I get the wailing "please, please, PAH-LEASE! I said I was so sorry!" at the mention of no tv.

I think because we've had them since they were 3/4 and now they're 8/9 that we've been able to have lots of communication on how we don't disrespect each other in our house - there is enough of that in the outside world. Our house is safe and we treat each other good. DH is the major reinforcement of "boys and REAL men don't disrespect women - at all EV-AH." So that helps because I could easily see our son going in that direction because he is easily influenced by who/what he perceives as "cool" by tv and his schoolmates. He thinks Dad is the coolest and emulates him so much but as we get puberty hormones we'll see what challenges lie ahead and have to figure out all new strategies to deal with them.

ETA: I do have a male cousin who wasn't spanked. He has turned out weird. He's bounced from careers for frivolous reasons multiple times. He is on wife #3. No children. But he also can't decide if he's black (light enough to pass) but is currently embracing the pacific northwest native heritage - which he is none of. I don't know how much or if any of that is because he wasn't disciplined with spanking or pretty much at all growing up. 

[threejs]

I don't have a boy, but my nephew, who is 5 and super strong willed, stubborn and defiant, gets spanked constantly. It doesn't seem to have much effect.

Both of my brothers were spanked as younger kids, and both joke to this day about how our dad got in their chests as teenagers. They are both pretty awesome, so it worked out. lol

How old is your son? At 9, this is the first year my DD has really tested her limits and tried me. She does not go there with her father, at all. Her teacher mentioned to me that the parent who usually gets it is the most is the parent they rely on the most. Not sure if that's true for every kid, but it certainly seems to be the case with mine. We went through a good 6-8 week period where she was getting in trouble constantly. It has seemed to calm down the last month or so, leading me to think it was bit of a tween phase.

Hang in there!

[cookiemdough]

Dec 14, 2016 12:59:43 GMT -5 threejs said:

I don't have a boy, but my nephew, who is 5 and super strong willed, stubborn and defiant, gets spanked constantly. It doesn't seem to have much effect.

Both of my brothers were spanked as younger kids, and both joke to this day about how our dad got in their chests as teenagers. They are both pretty awesome, so it worked out. lol

How old is your son? At 9, this is the first year my DD has really tested her limits and tried me. She does not go there with her father, at all. Her teacher mentioned to me that the parent who usually gets it is the most is the parent they rely on the most. Not sure if that's true for every kid, but it certainly seems to be the case with mine. We went through a good 6-8 week period where she was getting in trouble constantly. It has seemed to calm down the last month or so, leading me to think it was bit of a tween phase.

Hang in there!

My son is 9 so may be the age has something to do with it. It is strange, he is definitely most vulnerable with me but I also think that is why he is testing me rather than his dad.

Thanks everyone for providing some feedback.

[threejs]

Dec 14, 2016 13:16:00 GMT -5 cookiemdough said:

Dec 14, 2016 12:59:43 GMT -5 threejs said:

I don't have a boy, but my nephew, who is 5 and super strong willed, stubborn and defiant, gets spanked constantly. It doesn't seem to have much effect.

Both of my brothers were spanked as younger kids, and both joke to this day about how our dad got in their chests as teenagers. They are both pretty awesome, so it worked out. lol

How old is your son? At 9, this is the first year my DD has really tested her limits and tried me. She does not go there with her father, at all. Her teacher mentioned to me that the parent who usually gets it is the most is the parent they rely on the most. Not sure if that's true for every kid, but it certainly seems to be the case with mine. We went through a good 6-8 week period where she was getting in trouble constantly. It has seemed to calm down the last month or so, leading me to think it was bit of a tween phase.

Hang in there!

My son is 9 so may be the age has something to do with it. It is strange, he is definitely most vulnerable with me but I also think that is why he is testing me rather than his dad.

Thanks everyone for providing some feedback.

I failed to mention that I actually did spank DD as a result of all of her acting out.  It sucked all the way around.  I was at my wits end with her foolishness.  She's always been a really good kid, and it didn't seem like anything was working. It was the first time I've spanked her, and I don't think I will do it again.  I really think she was testing her limits, but she does seem to have calmed down, thankfully.    

[skwcm80]

My brother was spanked, and I'm pretty sure stbx was spanked once or twice. I will spank DS if needed, but he mostly responds to no treats or tv.

[threejs]

Dec 14, 2016 13:57:00 GMT -5 @246baje said:

Dec 14, 2016 13:16:00 GMT -5 cookiemdough said:

My son is 9 so may be the age has something to do with it. It is strange, he is definitely most vulnerable with me but I also think that is why he is testing me rather than his dad.

Thanks everyone for providing some feedback.

Honestly I personally feel like 9 is too old to be spanking. Especially if it would be a first time spanking. I can remember being 9 and I felt so grown and yet like adults couldn't remember what it was like to be a kid and so were being unreasonable in their expectations.
Anyway I think at that age loss of privileges is probably more effective.

Disclaimer my oldest is 4.5 so who knows.

Check me in 4.5 years.

LOL!  Yes, please let's talk in 4.5 years!  I've always had a really, really good kid.  Like, she's the morality police around all the other kids, was the peacemaker and NEVER got in trouble.  9 has been....interesting.    

[05heel]

I don't know any black folks, male or female, who weren't spanked growing up. I don't think it's inherently abusive or evil or anything, but I'm 100% anti-spanking for my own child(ren). If anyone ever lays a hand on them I'll kill them.

[sweetday]

I'm not sure what I will do.

I know H was spanked and never spanked his older kids.

Like @stilljustash my DS is just about 3 and has been testing me sooo much lately.

[05heel]

Also, I know I could be legitimately insane, but I'm still salty as hell about the few spankings I received from my dad. Like, if I think about it too hard he could get these hands. Lol.

[meshaliuknits]

No, not that I can think of. And they all have different outcomes as responsible, upstanding members of society so IDK how much of a factor in how they turned out was.

Everyone in my family got whipped. After my mother passed and my father really started losing it spankings started skirting closer to abuse (like the time he whipped a baseball at my head and broke our door) so I've got some residual anxiety around the topic. I can't spank my kids because I've always got that voice in the back of my head telling me I'm like him and the LAST person I want to emulate in ANY facet of my life is that man. Fortunately for me, the 3yo HATES not being in the middle of what's going on so time outs are much feared and the 6yo turns into a puddle of tears at a stern look.

[Queen Mamadala]

I used to be fairly pro-spanking back when my exH and I were involved in a church/cult that really advocated it. I got the belt a couple times, but one time was pretty bad. My mom executed that one. My father, white, spanked me on one occasion. I was pretty well-behaved. My father was fond of lectures and firm, but calm demeanor.

My mother was never spanked, that I know of, but she was a pretty laid back kid/teen. I know my uncles used to joke about getting an ass whoopin' on several occasions. My mother swatted my sister once when she was three. She felt super guilty about that ass whoopin' I got when I was 7 and pretty much vowed to not spank again.

I did get backhanded once at, like, 15 for getting an attitude. She also pulled my ear a couple times.

My girls are pretty laid back with agreeable temperaments/mild mannered. I can change my voice or give them a look and they know. My son, 7, tests boundaries and pushes buttons just because. He's exhausting. His ADHD contributes to these challenges, too.

[05heel]

It's interesting to me that all of my grandparents, and both sets of our parents have told the kids in my generation not to spank their kids. They all beat our behinds as they saw fit, so I was expecting more of an old school approach. They've all admitted that it didn't really work anyway, and that most of the time they were blowing off steam. I know for a fact that's how I would approach spanking, so I just drew a firm line for myself.

[redwino]

I don't know any bm who never got spanked but DH and my brother were spanked fewer than 3 times. They both are laid back, mild mannered people who were easy going kids. They also had siblings who did the most so they could have just seemed well behaved by comparison.

My brother responded really well to losing social activities. He's older but I remember punishments like not being able to sit with the other kids at church and losing phone privileges when he was older. Sometimes he got extra chores but I don't think that was as effective as losing his social time. I got a ton of spankings and even have fond memories of my grandma hitting me with her slipper and the weekly ritual of being dragged out of church by my aunt.

[redwino]

Dec 14, 2016 18:42:57 GMT -5 05heel said:

It's interesting to me that all of my grandparents, and both sets of our parents have told the kids in my generation not to spank their kids. They all beat our behinds as they saw fit, so I was expecting more of an old school approach. They've all admitted that it didn't really work anyway, and that most of the time they were blowing off steam. I know for a fact that's how I would approach spanking, so I just drew a firm line for myself.

When I think back to all of my spanking, I don't recall my parents ever seeming really mad. I was a hollering dancing fool through every spanking and I remember them trying not to laugh. My mom yelled and cussed when she was mad but she never hit me during a cussing fit. I don't recall my grandma ever getting mad at us. Tired and annoyed, yes, but never angry.

The older generations in my family never tell us don't spank but I've never heard them encourage it either. I'm also pretty sure none of them have spanked their grand kids even though they dole out other punishments. I'm going to talk to my cousins about this. I never thought about our parents lack of spanking support until your comment.

[05heel]

Dec 14, 2016 19:28:36 GMT -5 redwino said:

Dec 14, 2016 18:42:57 GMT -5 05heel said:

It's interesting to me that all of my grandparents, and both sets of our parents have told the kids in my generation not to spank their kids. They all beat our behinds as they saw fit, so I was expecting more of an old school approach. They've all admitted that it didn't really work anyway, and that most of the time they were blowing off steam. I know for a fact that's how I would approach spanking, so I just drew a firm line for myself.

When I think back to all of my spanking, I don't recall my parents ever seeming really mad. I was a hollering dancing fool through every spanking and I remember them trying not to laugh. My mom yelled and cussed when she was mad but she never hit me during a cussing fit. I don't recall my grandma ever getting mad at us. Tired and annoyed, yes, but never angry.

The older generations in my family never tell us don't spank but I've never heard them encourage it either. I'm also pretty sure none of them have spanked their grand kids even though they dole out other punishments. I'm going to talk to my cousins about this. I never thought about our parents lack of spanking support until your comment.

yeah, my mom was never really mad. If she spanked you she was really just at the end of her rope and tired of our antics. My dad was more likely to fly off the handle and get the belt with far less provocation. I didn't appreciate that one bit. It was so obvious, but there was nothing you could do about it. That's why he's going to a home. Just kidding. I'll let him live with my sister.

[redwino]

Dec 14, 2016 19:43:14 GMT -5 05heel said:

Dec 14, 2016 19:28:36 GMT -5 redwino said:

When I think back to all of my spanking, I don't recall my parents ever seeming really mad. I was a hollering dancing fool through every spanking and I remember them trying not to laugh. My mom yelled and cussed when she was mad but she never hit me during a cussing fit. I don't recall my grandma ever getting mad at us. Tired and annoyed, yes, but never angry.

The older generations in my family never tell us don't spank but I've never heard them encourage it either. I'm also pretty sure none of them have spanked their grand kids even though they dole out other punishments. I'm going to talk to my cousins about this. I never thought about our parents lack of spanking support until your comment.

yeah, my mom was never really mad. If she spanked you she was really just at the end of her rope and tired of our antics. My dad was more likely to fly off the handle and get the belt with far less provocation. I didn't appreciate that one bit. It was so obvious, but there was nothing you could do about it. That's why he's going to a home. Just kidding. I'll let him live with my sister.

LOL. I've threatened to send my mom to a home since I was a teen. She has a list of people she thinks will save her.

[05heel]

Dec 14, 2016 20:02:12 GMT -5 redwino said:

Dec 14, 2016 19:43:14 GMT -5 05heel said:

yeah, my mom was never really mad. If she spanked you she was really just at the end of her rope and tired of our antics. My dad was more likely to fly off the handle and get the belt with far less provocation. I didn't appreciate that one bit. It was so obvious, but there was nothing you could do about it. That's why he's going to a home. Just kidding. I'll let him live with my sister.

LOL. I've threatened to send my mom to a home since I was a teen. She has a list of people she thinks will save her.

omg! Lol. I'm dead that she has a list.

[dr.girlfriend]

I don't think my DH was spanked unless it was when he was in foster care, but he grew up with just his mom and grandmother. IDK if you would consider what happened with my sister and I spanked, it was more like my dad losing his temper and hitting us and sometimes dragging us around -- he was obviously out of control and it was very scary when it happened. I will never spank. I think there's many ways of disciplining a child that have proven a million times more effective, and teaching my child that hitting is okay in any circumstances except maybe self-defense is not a message I want to send. Plus, as soon as they get bigger than you, the whole thing gets very tenuous -- are you really going to spank your 16 year old for not cleaning his room? I think thinking you'll have completely eradicated bad behavior by then is optimistic, instead you've just set up that the main form of punishment is one that you can no longer enforce. Of course, my kid tends more towards anxious than oppositional (at least so far), so in some ways that's much easier to deal with. We even had spanking in school as a kid and it was never really a deterrent to kids who were determined to act out, in fact they considered it kind of a badge of honor to have done something worth a spanking.

[DesertMoon]

I've spanked, Arabs tend to beat their kids. I was beat my husband was beat. We have never hit our kids like that. My son is incredibly sensitive too he cries if I say "that makes me sad when you do that" so he's a pretty good kid. My daughter is only 2 so nothing for her lol.

The black people I know that ive talked about spankings with are from Ghana and Uganda and they talk about their epic ass beatings all the time, with a glimmer in their eyes lol. They look back on it fondly.

[andwhat]

I don't know any who weren't spanked. My brother was spanked, but I wasn't. But disappointment destroyed me where he would just laugh at that. So I don't think it was necessarily a male-female thing. But all the males I know have great relationships with their parents and it didn't have a detrimental impact on their lives. I am talking about spanking here, not beating. I have never had a conversation with a black male who felt he was abused by his parents. Doesn't mean it didn't happen though.

I was definitely in the anti-spanking camp because I didn't need them. DD is only 3 and I don't think she has done anything to deserve a spanking. She responds well to the look. I did have to grab her up once and I think she was so shocked that she cried so hard and then I felt bad. So I am definitely the soft one here.

I am not as opposed to spanking as I once was.

[andwhat]

Dec 16, 2016 11:55:02 GMT -5 @tooshort said:

I had to hold H back last night. DD (5) spit at him. I thought she was a goner for sure. She is getting so disrespectful and I'm struggling with how to deal with it.

Oh no. I am glad you saved her life. I am not ready for real bad behavior.

[newnamesameperson]

My husband was spanked and hit often. He'd say it was deserved.
I was never hit, mostly I'd say if something like that occurred for people of my race it'd be on the down low.

We don't hit.