What would you have done?

[itsmyparty]

Something just happened and I'm having all kinds of mixed emotions...

I've been out with a guy three times. I do really like him. He's very sweet, if perhaps a tad eager. 

Well, I'm sick with a head cold right now, which he knows because we've been texting yesterday-today. I sat home today, in my pajamas, going through half a box of tissues, chugging Dayquil, napping on/off and not bothering to shower or put on makeup. 

Tonight he texted suddenly to tell me that he was outside of my apartment entrance, with some things he picked up for me and my cold. My immediate thoughts:

- PANIC. Not in any sort of state, physical appearance wise, to see a guy I'm still in the "trying to impress with every date" phase
- "I would be a horrible, conceited person to turn away this guy who was just trying to do something very sweet for me"
- "Fuck those nice feelings, I shouldn't feel bad about feeling uncomfortable coming downstairs when I'm not presentable and wasn't given notice. It's OK to say (nicely) to go away"

In the end I went downstairs and collected the things from him because it was really nice and I know he was just thinking of that, not the inconvenience of the girly things we worry about (hair, makeup). He apologized and said he hadn't thought of how uncomfortable it would make me, and that he just wanted to surprise me. I actually love surprises...but this situation left me feeling really vulnerable and like it was a no-win. 

FWIW, he did get me the cold/flu things that I love and needed (without me even telling him) - two kinds of soup, the throat drops I like, and some good cough syrup. But what would you have done?

ETA: Oh, and he drove more than 20 miles to bring these things to me

[Deleted]

I would have full on panicked and likely faked being asleep and not seeing the texts that he was there (I live in a secured building) This is not totally because of vanity but because boundaries. I'm very protective of my personal space and while I appreciate the gesture I find it totally invasive and over eager. He should have texted first and arranged a time that worked for you. I have a few best friend that this would be okay with happening and they've been my friends for like 15 years (and actually know better than to just show up). I think this is kind of crazy for three dates honestly and way too stage five clinger for me.

[cuddlyevil]

Uh, this would bother me a lot. I appreciate the gesture, but after 3 dates it's a little bit much. He could have checked to see if you needed anything or were up for visitors first.

[nextbigthing]

It was nice, but definitely overstepping after 3 dates, and driving 20 miles.

See how it is today, he might realize he went too far. I don't think I'd end it unless it continues and he's still clingy

[Deleted]

Oh wow, that's tough. Has he given off any uncomfortable way too eager vibes prior to this? Has he been to your place before?

I'm very private and hate surprise visits - even by random neighbors etc so this would really throw me for a loop.

What made him apologize - your reaction when you went to collect the stuff? Any interaction since and if so, how did it go?

I don't think this would be a deal breaker for me and it sounds like he kind of learned it wasn't the best idea so I'd probably just proceed with caution!

[starburst604]

It sounds like the kind of thing I would find very sweet from a guy I was really into. From a guy I was already getting tad-too-eager vibes from, it would make me annoyed and turned off.

[doriswe]

Out of total curiosity, how'd he have your address this early on?

[boing]

I wouldn't have answered my door, I have a habit of not doing that when people show up unannounced.
I think it's a cute gesture, I don't see it being creepy at all.

[pinkdutchtulips]

i would have gone in to FULL PANIC MODE and not answered my phone, texts, the door anything. Yes, it's a ridiculously sweet gesture but BOUNDARIES !!!! if you want to see me even if its to drop off some desperately needed cold medicine, give me a heads up that you're en route. it shows that you respect my time.

xh when we were dating would just show up at my place unannounced. he would tell me after we were married (too late for me to back out) that he would sit in his truck outside of my apartment and watch me. i have zero tolerance for behavior like that, no matter how sweet the gesture.

[itsmyparty]

@blushnbashful, doriswe, nextbigthing,

He quickly realized he had overstepped when he texted me to say he was outside (I live in a secured building), and my response was, "You're joking, right?" along with some comments indicating I was in no condition to see a visitor. He apologized and said no need to come downstairs if I'm not up for it, he now realized he should've checked first to see how I'd feel about him coming by. I believe him that he honestly is sorry and was really just thinking about doing something nice for me. That's why I felt like I really *had* to go downstairs to meet him.

I'm not creeped out by it - he hasn't given a creepy clinger vibe thus far, just that he likes me - I just didn't like being put in what I felt was a no-win situation for me.

He has been to my apartment (3rd date), so that's how he knows where I live.

No change as of today. I got a nice "good morning, hope you're feeling better" text. So I guess he at least wasn't turned off by no-makeup-wearing/unwashed hair/sickly me.

[mcsangel2]

I'd be less preoccupied about whether or not he was turned off by my appearance while sick, and more concerned about whether he's figured out that he overstepped a boundary and won't do it again.

[stephreloaded]

I think this would depend on the context. If I had great dates with him and saw some sort of ¨potential¨, I would have found it sweet. If I was already annoyed or put off by something, I would have taken it terribly.

I would have completely panicked as well!!

[dancelnow]

I guess this big thing here is what do you want and can he respect that and still show he cares.

It would never have occurred to me to turn him away, but that's me. Embarrassed over my appearance, sure. But at least I'd have that excuse

[sparkythelawyer]

From his response I think his intentions were pure, if misguided. Hope you are feeling better!

[mommadukes]

sounds like someone was just trying to be nice. a heads up would have been good.

[itsmyparty]

Update: we got together on Sunday and had a nice time, and he asked me out right away for this weekend. He is very nice, thoughtful and gentlemanly. And funny. I think he just really likes me and wanted to show it by doing something nice.

And, hey, now I can relax knowing he's absolutely seen me looking my worst and still finds me hot! ;-)

[themoneytree]

I think it sounds like a really nice gesture, but I haven't dated in 15 + years so there's that!