This article resonated with me so much. I'm exhausted all the time from thinking of everything all the time and adding a child with a medical condition that requires constant vigilance (type 1 diabetes) doesn't help.
Post by bugandbibs on Dec 31, 2016 11:56:41 GMT -5
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I relate to this so much. MH is very involved in tasks and has changed more diapers than I ever will. However, there is so much about running our household he just has no clue about. I've gotten really good about leaving kid related stuff up to him or delegating things like taking the kids to sleepovers or birthday parties. Still, the burden of remembering there is a party or presents need to be bought falls in me. My brain is constantly going and it's exhausting.
share.memebox.com/x/uKhKaZmemebox referal code for 20% off! DD1 "J" born 3/2003 DD2 "G" born 4/2011 DS is here! "H" born 2/2014 m/c#3 1-13-13 @ 9 weeks m/c#2 11-11-12 @ 5w2d I am an extended breastfeeding, cloth diapering, baby wearing, pro marriage equality, birth control lovin', Catholic mama.
I think about this periodically, especially when one of us is sick. When my husband is sick, the house keeps running, because I take care of all the "invisible" things that just make things work. And when I'm sick, the house keeps running, because I don't get to stop everything to stay in bed and heal. I really need to write some of the stuff down, because if something serious happened to me I'm not sure how the mortgage (or any of the bills, really) gets paid, or how he'd get our kid everywhere he needs to go, or how all the various paperwork gets completed, or who takes care of noticing we're out of peanut butter or cat litter or paper towels, or even how laundry would get done.
People laugh at how "nerdy" we are, but we got some Amazon Dash buttons so my husband can order some things without waiting for me to notice. And a shared Google calendar has made a huge difference in him at least having an awareness of the stuff I do every day. I went out of town for a week and when I got back he was suddenly very helpful and making lots of offers to contribute around the house; beforehand he just complained about how few hours I billed as a freelancer, and he finally realized how much time everything else takes from my day. I'm still looking for ways to bring him into the loop and make my life a little easier.
My h means well, but a lot of stuff he just didn't do growing up and that has continued into adulthood.
For us, it's things like cleaning out the kitchen sink after the dishes (which he does), mopping after vacuuming. Going through the kids clothes to see what doesn't fit and taking it to be donated.
Birthday and holiday events are 80% me. It's exhausting.
Post by hopecounts on Dec 31, 2016 12:45:34 GMT -5
Yes I SAH so it's not as bad as if I had to work as well. But all of DD's therapy, IEP, schedule, medicine, etc falls on me. DH is clueless, he is a hands on Dad when it comes to bath/feeding/etc but the detail stuff falls to me. It's one of the reasons I am not dying to go back to work, managing the household and DD's care is a full time job and I don't think DH would step up and I am not looking forward to juggling both.
Post by CallingAllAngels on Dec 31, 2016 13:33:45 GMT -5
My H probably does the majority of the chores, but I definitely do the mental work of running our home. I keep our calendar straight and know what chores need to be done when. He also checks in with me a lot when doing chores to get my opinion on how to do things. This drives me batty! Just do it. But, it's how he was raised. When we go visit FIL, he asks my permission before he runs his own dishwasher, which is weird to me but he spent over 59 years deferring to MIL (who died a few years ago) so it's what he knows.
Almost 2 years ago, H switched jobs and we have seen more equitable distribution of labor since then. I used to do everything.
Before we had our baby my husband and I would run at the same time on Sunday mornings. I would get done with my run and have a list of things for us to do/discuss that I had though about during my run. He frequently would ask me why I was thinking about those things rather than just enjoying my run. BECAUSE I AM ALWAYS THINKING ABOUT THESE THINGS.
H gets so confused when he hears parents saying that their kids got wait listed for camp or school vacation days (at the YMCA). He's all "that happens? what do you do for child care?" And I'm all "yes, of course it does. why do you think I go to the Y on the day the schedule posts to sign-up??"
This definitely resonates with me. Like others, my H will do stuff, but unless it is related to the yard or the cars, he has to be "assigned" the tasks. I am the cruise director of our lives, and it is exhausting.
Right now I work 32 hours/week, and I have trouble keeping up. I have a fantastic opportunity on the horizon, but it is 40 hours. The benefits would be life changing, but it's not enough $ to allow us to just throw money at cleaners, prepared foods, etc to make my life easier. I'm really struggling with whether I can handle it. And it rankles me that my H has never had to wonder whether he could handle 40 hours plus his home responsibilities. (Yes, I know moms work 40 hours and more all the time. This is more specific to my lack of juggling ability and the fact that I have an OK gig working less that Im not sure I should give up).
I relate to this so much. MH is very involved in tasks and has changed more diapers than I ever will. However, there is so much about running our household he just has no clue about. I've gotten really good about leaving kid related stuff up to him or delegating things like taking the kids to sleepovers or birthday parties. Still, the burden of remembering there is a party or presents need to be bought falls in me. My brain is constantly going and it's exhausting.
This is absolutely us. I make all of the doctors appointments, I plan what we eat for dinner, i pick out Christmas gifts. He's always willing to execute the plans, but I have to make and remember them.
I think it's just hard for many women to shut off their brains. My DH does a lot and I've let go of so many things. He does all our household shopping (including realizing that we were low on TP this week) and all the meal planning/cooking. But I still feel like my mind is always going... Doctor's appointments, work, birthday parties, thank you notes, etc. I don't know how to turn it off, which DH can do easily.
The only time I mind being the "cruise director" is when I get bitched at for doing something a certain way. Those times are few and far between, or I'd stop doing it.
This is my miserable life. I do all the fucking responsible adulting in the house and it's killing me. I'm on the verge of a nervous and physical breakdown from all the stress of trying to manage every fucking thing all the goddamn time and I don't know how much longer I can keep this up.
I just get soooooo freaking tired of meal planning sometimes. Occasionally I just shut down and tell H he's in charge of it for the week. We end up eating a lot more takeout or scrounging for food than we normally do, and he's like "oh, I see why you're always sitting there making lists."
BUT. He certainly notices stuff that I don't. Like, he always thinks to pack our good camera for trips. He buys stuff to help organize the house (an ongoing battle since we moved in September). A plastic bag to go under the Christmas tree (so we can just bag it up to get it out of the house).
I do the lion's share of the daily running-of-the-house chores, but he has stepped up so much since we started renovating this house in April that I catch myself every time I'm about to whine to him.
Also, the idea of having a second kid scares the shit out of me (which is most of the reason we're not currently TTC). We are in agreement that we want two kids, but for me it's at some indefinite point in the future. I've been home alone with M all week and it's pretty smooth sailing, but I just can't picture adding another kid to the mix.
Post by CheeringCharm on Dec 31, 2016 14:58:53 GMT -5
Fwiw, in terms of the mental work that goes into certain tasks (like all the "I am the person who notices"...statements from the article) it helped us to basically create a master list of tasks that need to be done and we divided them between us. In our case he takes care of all the bulk shopping for goods like toilet paper, toothpaste, paper towel rolls etc. because there is a BJs close to his office. He knows he is completely in charge of keeping track of what needs to be bought and when and that I'm not going to remind him to do it or attempt to micro manage how he does it. I do other things like shop for the weekly groceries, keep track of the children's dental and doctor's appointments, and update their wardrobes on a seasonal basis. I schedule the children's activities but then he usually takes them. That kind of compromise eased a lot of tension between us.
I relate to this so much. MH is very involved in tasks and has changed more diapers than I ever will. However, there is so much about running our household he just has no clue about. I've gotten really good about leaving kid related stuff up to him or delegating things like taking the kids to sleepovers or birthday parties. Still, the burden of remembering there is a party or presents need to be bought falls in me. My brain is constantly going and it's exhausting.
This is absolutely us. I make all of the doctors appointments, I plan what we eat for dinner, i pick out Christmas gifts. He's always willing to execute the plans, but I have to make and remember them.
Yep. Us too.
He's also the more "involved" parent. He puts her to bed more often than me. He gets up with her in the morning more than me. I've given her 1 bath since she was 4 mos old. But, for example, the idea that we need to clean out her dresser periodically to get rid of the too-small clothes is not something he would ever think of. She's almost 3 and he still can't be bothered to figure out how to put her hair in a ponytail. He's been telling me we need to get her a haircut soon (she does). I know how means I should find a place and make an appt but I'm kind of not doing it on principle.
What will happen if you stop managing it all? What will happen if you stop worrying about all the minutia of your family lives and just take things as they come?
I challenged myself with these questions a few years ago and what I found out is that it lightened my mental load, things still got done, my partner started to pick up part of the mental load and we're both much happier for it.
Chores we've always done pretty evenly and still do. But the mental stuff, well, I am fortunate that NOW this isn't an issue in my marriage. In part because it WAS and then I just lost it about 5 years ago. I'd been in the habit of running the house for years because we lived apart when he was in the military and then after our first was born I just added that to my list too.
We sat down and divided up the biggest mental time sucks, and have redivided after my oldest started school and we had a second.
He's now in charge of all food, soccer, lawn and garden, and aftercare. I mean, ALL food. He has to notice when the peanut butter gets low because I've ceased paying attention to that. I just surrendered it all. This means I don't get cantaloupe (which I love and he doesn't) unless I ask for it because I don't make the list any more. It also means I have to keep my mouth shut about the grocery budget and pantry. And it was an adjustment. I had to sit on my hands a lot and make like Elsa and let it go when I wanted to be like "two gallons of milk, six kinds of crackers, and no cheerios?!?!"
I'm in charge of all clothes and shoes, housecleaning (i.e., the cleaning service and off week schedules/supplies), swim lessons, and daycare.
We collectively think of and buy presents for our kids but I also gave up shopping for his side of the family. If I see something I, myself, as an individual want to buy for my MIL, I do and just give it to her whenever. But he's the boss of their holiday and birthday presents. I'm sure if he's forgotten they mentally blame me, but I had to make like Elsa about that too.
The rest of the stuff we share relatively evenly. Right now, this works.
What will happen if you stop managing it all? What will happen if you stop worrying about all the minutia of your family lives and just take things as they come?
I challenged myself with these questions a few years ago and what I found out is that it lightened my mental load, things still got done, my partner started to pick up part of the mental load and we're both much happier for it.
It happened to me unintentionally after I had my son 3 years ago. I had PPD and my ability to think about stuff that needed to be done was crap. What happened was that none of the bills got paid on time and the only food in the house was the crap food he prefers to eat, like box mac and cheese.
I took on a challenging job two years ago and H had to take on the mentally challenging stuff. I just couldn't do it.
But of all the mommy Martyr articles I can relate to this the most. H does a ton of it now, but that wasn't always the case. The mental stuff is very challenging.
Also this makes me appreciate that I married a anal worrywart lol. It normally is annoying, but he certainly steps up to the plate with the worry stuff. Ha
"Even when their male partners “helped out” by doing their fair share of chores and errands, it was the women who noticed what needed to be done."
Yup. H is great, but needs a list.
This is us. DH will say "were out of toilet paper" but just puts it on a shopping list that I do. I doubt he knows the name of the kids' doctor and when they go for appointments.
Lately I've come to the conclusion that I've allowed this to happen and I'm done with it. I cook dinner every night. I told him he's picking up a night a week - planning and cooking. He's got to make one kid's lunches. He has to do dishes. I'm on strike
"Hello babies. Welcome to Earth. It's hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It's round and wet and crowded. On the outside, babies, you've got a hundred years here. There's only one rule that I know of, babies-"God damn it, you've got to be kind.”