Need support

[booknerd]

Sorry so long, kind of just a brain dump. PDQ.

I've been married to my high school sweetheart 4.5 years. Together 11 total. His mom has been more of a parent and source of support than anyone else in my life ever. We have a house and no kids together, but we did foster a 1 year old in 2015. (Long story)

I've been there through his drinking issues. We lost our foster-to-adopt daughter when I came home to him drunk on the couch and her sitting on the kitchen counter alone. The week after that he moved in a friend is never met who took advantage of us for over 6 weeks before I got him to make him leave. I've defended him every time he's been a total asshole to people over stupid reasons. I've dealt with his screaming and cussing and mocking me if I'm upset and crying. I've been on antidepressants since the baby left thinking maybe it's all in my head.

He won't do anything around the house, even though we make the same amount of money (not that that matters, that just used to be his excuse for why he won't: that he made more). Now he just says he doesn't want to.

Since he quit drinking, he's become addicted to playing Xbox. We're talking 18 hours straight, often.

We argued about money two weekends ago. He wouldn't drop it. He wouldn't stop screaming at me, in my face, he put a hole in the wall and was throwing stuff. I tried to leave the house and he literally got out guns to prevent me from leaving, saying he'd hurt me. His best friend ended up getting me away.

I had to go back though because we share a car.

He wants to fix things. He is willing to go to counseling. I think I'm just done, but I'm scared of losing my mother in law.

I'm looking into apartments and attorneys. I'm reaching out to two friends for support. I have an appointment with a therapist. But I've never been single in my adult life and I'm scared to live alone too. I don't want to stay either.

I guess I'm just looking for support from people who have dealt with beginning a divorce and feeling lonely.

[doriswe]

Living alone will be a thousand times less terrifying than living with someone who will point a gun at you. Get out and get out NOW!

The unknown is scary, absolutely, but you can do it. I promise.

[flatlan]

Big hugs to you! You are going through a lot right now. Taking the first steps are very hard and scary but you can do it. Seeing a lawyer and a therapist is a great start. I would also start making copies of important documents, make sure you know passwords to joint accounts, etc. Could you also secure a place to stay temporarily ( like with a friend or family member ) that you could stay until you get the apartment stuff finalized? My experience is that you know when you are truly done. When I finally left my xh (also an alcoholic ) I had thought about it so long that there was no going back. Good luck!

[booknerd]

Jan 18, 2017 13:11:56 GMT -5 doriswe said:

Living alone will be a thousand times less terrifying than living with someone who will point a gun at you. Get out and get out NOW!

The unknown is scary, absolutely, but you can do it. I promise.

Omg just reading your response has me in tears. You're absolutely right. I can't believe that this is my life.

[booknerd]

Jan 18, 2017 13:13:28 GMT -5 flatlan said:

Big hugs to you! You are going through a lot right now. Taking the first steps are very hard and scary but you can do it. Seeing a lawyer and a therapist is a great start. I would also start making copies of important documents, make sure you know passwords to joint accounts, etc. Could you also secure a place to stay temporarily ( like with a friend or family member ) that you could stay until you get the apartment stuff finalized? My experience is that you know when you are truly done. When I finally left my xh (also an alcoholic ) I had thought about it so long that there was no going back. Good luck!

I have a friend that has offered that. I'm honestly worried about his reaction to me staying with someone, if that makes any sense. He's like a ticking bomb.

[flatlan]

I understand but having someone there for support could be very valuable and safer.

[booknerd]

Jan 18, 2017 13:19:33 GMT -5 flatlan said:

I understand but having someone there for support could be very valuable and safer.

True. You're right. And she and I work together so that would solve the transportation issue. You're right.

[doglove]

It's scary to start over, taking that first step is the hardest. You can do it, you're strong. You deserve so much better than this.

[bl]

I am so sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you are taking the right steps by looking at attorneys, apartments, and therapy.

I divorced my high school sweetheart after 11 years together (16-27), my entire adult life was formed with and around this individual. I completely get where you are coming from and starting over was SO incredibly scary, but I promise it is worth it. Looking back now, I couldn't have even imagined the happiness I feel in the life I am living. You deserve so much better than what you are getting right now.

[MeMyselfandI]

Please be safe. Consider calling 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE). You deserve better.

[mommadukes]

Jan 18, 2017 14:47:40 GMT -5 bl said:

I am so sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you are taking the right steps by looking at attorneys, apartments, and therapy.

I divorced my high school sweetheart after 11 years together (16-27), my entire adult life was formed with and around this individual. I completely get where you are coming from and starting over was SO incredibly scary, but I promise it is worth it. Looking back now, I couldn't have even imagined the happiness I feel in the life I am living. You deserve so much better than what you are getting right now.

congrats on being engaged BTW!

[booknerd]

Jan 18, 2017 14:47:40 GMT -5 bl said:

I am so sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you are taking the right steps by looking at attorneys, apartments, and therapy.

I divorced my high school sweetheart after 11 years together (16-27), my entire adult life was formed with and around this individual. I completely get where you are coming from and starting over was SO incredibly scary, but I promise it is worth it. Looking back now, I couldn't have even imagined the happiness I feel in the life I am living. You deserve so much better than what you are getting right now.

I'm so glad to hear that someone has been in my shoes regarding divorcing a high school sweetheart. All of my most recent memories in life are with him or his family. He taught me to drive, we went to college together.

It's every to think about being on my own.

[booknerd]

Scary, not every. Not sure how to edit that last post.

[bl]

Jan 18, 2017 14:54:49 GMT -5 mommadukes said:

Jan 18, 2017 14:47:40 GMT -5 bl said:

I am so sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you are taking the right steps by looking at attorneys, apartments, and therapy.

I divorced my high school sweetheart after 11 years together (16-27), my entire adult life was formed with and around this individual. I completely get where you are coming from and starting over was SO incredibly scary, but I promise it is worth it. Looking back now, I couldn't have even imagined the happiness I feel in the life I am living. You deserve so much better than what you are getting right now.

congrats on being engaged BTW!

Thank you very much!

[nextbigthing]

There are so many great women on this board, we are here for you!!!

You have to get out and you have to get out now, no one points a gun at you and threatens you is worth sticking around for and there are lots of women on here myself included that have divorced alcoholics. I kicked my husband out when I came home to him shitfaced drunk with my 15 month old, that was 7 months ago and it hasn't gotten any better with him.


I know it's hard and I know it's scary and I know you don't want to lose people that are close to you, but you have to protect yourself and put yourself first. I would suggest calling one of those numbers that was suggested to you above.

Please keep us posted, we can help you through this

[heywhat]

Leave as soon as possible, please.

This is abuse. www.ncdsv.org/images/powercontrolwheelnoshading.pdf

You can leave, you can do it. I promise. Being alone might be hard and lonely at first, but you will be OK. You are already running a household on your own - with an adult antagonizing you and destroying your things at the same time. You can run your life more easily without those obstacles and negative energy. You will sleep easier without the threat of someone pointing a gun at you.

I wrote this out for a friend's sister a while ago. Most of the advice will pertain to you, but in your case with the threat of gun violence, I think you should not go back in that house ever.

1) Take a complete inventory of all financials. Checking, Savings, Assets (Car, Home, etc), 401k, etc. Get dated statements or take screen captures.
* Prepare your own version of asset divisions. The state likes most things to be 50-50... for all "joint" assets. There are exceptions if it is a short term marriage (less than 7-10 years if both parties continue work, etc), then each party can usually keep what was their prior.

2) Contact several lawyers. It is important to choose a lawyer that you trust and get along with. Some lawyers charge fees even for consultations (hourly rates range from $150 - $400/hour).
* If obtaining money is an issue, hopefully she can borrow from a friend. I had to receive cash from my parents since even cashing a check at our bank showed up on statements.
* Most divorce lawyers are very discrete about not leaving messages and not sending mail.

3) Create a secret email account. (Maybe not necessary, but I definitely suggest a password change).

4) Make a plan. Depending on the volatility of the situation, most of these steps may need to be done all in the same day, or very close together and preparation should be done in secret - do not tell him or people who may tell him.

5) Open bank accounts in her name only (if not already done)... Preferably at another bank.
* Change direct deposits to these accounts.
* Consider having a PO Box to have these documents sent to. (I was able to have items sent to work.)
** Note about PO boxes - many of them mail something to your house when you sign up for one... just be careful.

6) Change passwords on shared accounts if necessary.

7) Get your paperwork in order, and find a safe place for it (passport, SS card, anything sentimental). The safe place should not be anywhere the other person has access to.

8) Choose a location and exact time for the "news".
* If you think the person is violent make sure your pets are safe and do this in a public area or just having the papers served to them.
* Make the conversation clear that this is not a discussion, but a statement. (In Wisconsin you can get a divorce even if the other person doesn't want one, although, it does take longer.) Consider writing a script so that you are not distracted. Be concise. Tell the other person what you expect to happen next (You will be getting served, or, I will be filing tomorrow. You can stay here but move your things to the spare room. Etc.)

9) Plan what you will do afterwards. I had bags packed and a hotel for Gregory and I to go to and we did not return home for a few days (had enough things for at least 2 weeks). I was willing to leave my house and everything in it (but it was a shared asset) and it was a risk. If they are co-habitating, I am not sure that she can force him to leave... that would be something I would ask about in the lawyer consultation.

10) Afterwards, communicate through email whenever possible. Provides a record of all agreements.
* In general, do not engage with the person. Business transactions only.

11) When in doubt use the buddy system for future interactions.

Above all, she should take care of herself. Eat well, exercise, and seek help from friends, family, and professionals

[jigsy]

One point I want to mention - you might not have to loss his mom.

I know that every parent is different, every situation is different - but I am still friendly with my XMIL. I feel like my sepration was a lot less contentious than yours may be, so it may not be an issue...but a relationship with her may still be possible.

But, even if it isn't, you do not deserve to live your life in fear, walking on eggshells. (((HUGS)))

[booknerd]

Jan 18, 2017 19:42:33 GMT -5 jigsy said:

One point I want to mention - you might not have to loss his mom.

I know that every parent is different, every situation is different - but I am still friendly with my XMIL. I feel like my sepration was a lot less contentious than yours may be, so it may not be an issue...but a relationship with her may still be possible.

But, even if it isn't, you do not deserve to live your life in fear, walking on eggshells. (((HUGS)))

Thank you for saying this. She's aware of the incident from a few weeks ago and is pretty furious at him. Still, it worries me to think of losing her.

[abcdefu]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I could have written your post 9 years ago. This will not get better and will only escalate. Living alone is so much better than living with someone who is abusive. Do you have a friend that needs a roommate?

I'm glad you are looking for apartments and lawyers. While gathering important documents is a good idea, your safety is number one! I'm glad that you reached out here. The ladies here are amazing and a lot of us have been in your position.

Hugs to you!

[booknerd]

Thank you all for the kind words and advice. I'm taking it all in and making a plan. I do have a safety plan in place. I luckily already have all the important documents that I need since he's never tried to take responsibility for any of that. I have all of the papers and a "go bag" of sorts stashed in my desk at work in case I need it.

[jenstar]

I don't have much advice booknerd, but i just wanted to wish you luck. You won't regret leaving this situation, but you will still have to mourn the loss of the relationship and that will be hard and probably take a while. x

[carilyn]

I don't have much to add in the advice area, but know that you're not alone.

I dated my XH on and off through high school, then stayed together after graduation, and married 4 years later. Almost 10 years after that (almost 14 together), two kids, a house, and a decade's worth of very similar stories to tell, I finally left for the safety of myself and my children.

You ARE strong enough, and you will survive. I know it seems impossibly daunting at the moment, but just take it one day, one moment, one decision at a time. I can say with almost 100% certainty that you will feel so much relief and far less fear once you start taking these steps and leave.

[booknerd]

You ladies are all so wonderful. Thank you for sharing your stories and advice with me.

[Linie]

I didn't marry my high school sweetheart, but my X became angrier every year, shouting and calling me names every time something difficult happened.

I was so scared that he would hit me or kick me out of the house, so I found an apartment and slowly moved important things there. With help from my father, I bought furniture (table, chairs, a bed) and prepared my move.

When one fight became violent, I took my clothes and some other things and moved out the same night.
After 13 years together, I had to start all over again, on my own.

My life got so much better so quickly! I joined a course to learn Italian, made news friends there, started going out again, was able to focus on my job again and now, 3 years later, I am so happy! Sometimes, things are still hard, but I feel free and light.

You must realize you cannot stay in the same house. YH is violent and dangerous. Talk to an attorney, make sure you have a place to go to and leave as soon as possible.

Good luck & hugs

ETA: you might not lose contact with his mom, that is something to discuss between the two of you.

[booknerd]

Jan 19, 2017 10:34:40 GMT -5 Linie said:

I didn't marry my high school sweetheart, but my X became angrier every year, shouting and calling me names every time something difficult happened.

I was so scared that he would hit me or kick me out of the house, so I found an apartment and slowly moved important things there. With help from my father, I bought furniture (table, chairs, a bed) and prepared my move.

When one fight became violent, I took my clothes and some other things and moved out the same night.
After 13 years together, I had to start all over again, on my own.

My life got so much better so quickly! I joined a course to learn Italian, made news friends there, started going out again, was able to focus on my job again and now, 3 years later, I am so happy! Sometimes, things are still hard, but I feel free and light.

You must realize you cannot stay in the same house. YH is violent and dangerous. Talk to an attorney, make sure you have a place to go to and leave as soon as possible.

Good luck & hugs

ETA: you might not lose contact with his mom, that is something to discuss between the two of you.

I'm so sorry you had to go through that, but I'm so glad you made it through. Thank you for sharing your story.

[shoofly]

booknerd - you have received so much great advice in this thread already. I just wanted to reiterate that you're definitely not alone in making this type of decision...I, too, married my high school sweetheart. We were together for 12 years (15-27). Nothing was more difficult than telling him I didn't think our marriage would work out. We had been married for about 2 years when that happened. In my case, he wasn't violent, so that fear didn't exacerbate leaving.

Please, please be careful. I have since been in a violent/abusive relationship and understand how scary it can truly be. Know that you have support here, even if it seems too difficult. You CAN do it. You CAN be happy. You deserve to be!

[glynn]

I was friends with my X ILs it took time but they their son. If she knows about some of the issues and want a relationship it may still be possible.

[calle28]

booknerd - When you leave, please don't tell him where you are staying. He will probably try to guilt you into telling him. I am speaking from experience. When I left my ex, I didn't feel safe so I didn't tell him where I was living and he accused me of cheating on him, he said he had a right to know because we were still married, etc.

Stay strong and don't look back!

[Deleted]

I'm sorry you are going through this.

I would urge you to contact a domestic violence service in your area. They have a lot of experience with getting women out of dangerous situations. Since you mentioned guns, I'm very concerned for your safety. I also worry that if you stay with a friend, he will find you there. I'm talking about worst case scenario, so hopefully that won't even be an issue, but I'd rather you be overly cautious rather than risk something happening to you.

I hope you are able to get out of there. IMO, involving guns has escalated the situation beyond repair.

[Deleted]

This situation is abuse.  Your safety is in jeopardy because violence escalates.  You need to leave and don't tell him where you'll be.  Please don't let him manipulate you in any way--especially trying to get you to stay by apologizing and trying to make you out to be the bad guy.  
My xh was an aggressive and abusive manipulator.  Filing for divorce and moving out was the best, most freeing thing I have done.  That was nearly 5 years ago.  You don't deserve to walk around on eggshells all the time waiting for the next explosion.  You deserve peace and happiness.