Post by paradebegone on Jun 18, 2017 10:34:14 GMT -5
I've been stalking here for weeks, ever since finding out my husband is having an affair. He confessed on 5/21. Luckily, I already had a great therapist who've I've been seeing on and off for about 10 years. Ive been on survivnginfidelity.com and I have an appt with my dr on Tuesday to get tested and get on meds. I'm hoping to set up a legal consultation or two this week. This will be long but I hope you will stick with me in my ramblings as I need somewhere to vent. Here is my story:
H and I will be married 6 years in a couple of weeks. We have a DS, almost 2, and a 4yo DD. Admittedly, our life was mundane. I am a SAHM so my focus was completely on the kids. Yes, we didn't make time for our relationship but my thinking was this was just a part of life with 2 young kids. Not that this makes what he did acceptable, just giving a basis for how things were.
He started an emotional affair/friendship with a coworker here from Mexico on a special 3 month project 4 months ago. Her last week here, they were at a conference out of town and things got physical the night they got there, which was Mother's Day. He confessed a week later.
The first week, he wanted to work things out and stay married. The following weekend, he told me he was in love with her and wanted to be with her. Then he was confused, wanting to stay married but feeling like he needed to see things through with her. She will be back for a week at the end of the month.
He was still traveling a lot for work. Last week, we spoke on the phone for a long time, I felt like we were just stuck. My telling him that I could not remain married to him if he continued this relationship. And him wanting to remain married and for me to accept his other relationship. But as soon as we got off of the phone, he texted to say he was ending things with the woman. The next day, he read me his messages to her. When he got home the following day, we had a great conversation and I felt he was sincere in his remorse and desire to reconcile and work on us. I had hope and felt like a weight was lifting.
A day later, he changed his mind again, saying he thought he could control his feelings for her but couldn't deny them. Needless to say, I am devastated. I am cycling from being desperately depressed, to angry and disgusted, to wanting my husband back, to wanting to get out of this marriage as soon as possible.
As an aside, this woman is married and apparently has another lover as well. She also had Easter lunch with us and my brother and his family, since she was in this country alone on a holiday. At the time, I thought it was nice of him to invite her.
One of the things that he was afraid of when we decided to reconcile was that things would return to the way things were between us, just going through the motions. And now that's exactly where we are. Only talking about the kids/schedules, etc and spending our evenings in our separate spaces.
When I am feeling strong, I am working on my resume, looking for jobs, collecting financial information, researching lawyers, etc. but when does this underlying despair and pain go away? Will I ever feel normal again? How is it fair that he'll get to just move on with his life with little regard for the pain he is causing other people?
I guess I know the answers to this but maybe I just need to hear it over and over?
Any SAHMs? Those with young kids?
My DD is super sensitive and I already worry that she has some anxiety tendencies. Her life will be completely uprooted. Moving, changing schools, likely going to FT daycare... I'm afraid she will blame me because I'll be the one leaving her. They're already used to H's work travel.
How did you deal with this transition? Did you cry in front of your kids? It is so hard to keep it together sometimes.
I'm having an especially difficult day today as I am sure many of your are. I'm just trying to avoid all social media as possible. This is usually a happy time with a lot of celebrations for us. Our anniversary, my DS's birthday, my niece's birthday, my birthday... he's ruined it all. Easter, Mother's Day, my DD's birthday... all fell in this time.
If you've made it this far, thank you for listening. I am just completely at a loss.
Post by paradebegone on Jun 18, 2017 11:47:19 GMT -5
redmonkeystomper thank you. Yes, of course, I would not hesitate to get her into counseling if the need arose. As of now, the kids have no clue that anything is going on. Not that they would have any understanding of it.
Post by cuddlyevil on Jun 19, 2017 14:34:14 GMT -5
I am sorry that you're finding yourself here. Please know that your feelings are normal, staying in therapy helped me so much. It is a rollercoaster for sure.
I was the one who chose to leave. But it took me months of therapy and him saying that he wanted to call off the wedding but married me anyway because he felt it was easier. It was so hard but worth it in the end. Both he and I are in much better places and work together for the kids.
Kids are more resilient than you think. Getting them into therapy will help, but you will still have questions from them for a time.
Post by paradebegone on Jun 19, 2017 15:18:13 GMT -5
Thank you all so much. It is amazing how quickly I can cycle through emotions. But right now I am angry and disgusted. And it feels good to be in this place. I feel like I'm taking control of my situation. I let him know that he needs to go. I can't continue to live with him, especially while he's constantly messaging with her.
Set up appointments with a couple of attorneys for free consults. Making moves. I'm sure I'll be back with questions! Thank you again!
Hugs. I don't know that looking for things to feel "normal" is the right goal. I would say maybe look for things to feel productive, positive, and peaceful.
I found a few somewhat crappy websites on women and divorce and they helped me. FWIW I found its important to use accurate language when thinking of these concepts. For instance, "I let him know he needs to go" - it could be its better for you to move into a rental situation if you are in a house with a mortgage right now. Also, put logical time limits on things and avoid emotional end dates. It could be best for you two to live in the same place for a few months so that finances can be best handled.
Post by paradebegone on Jun 20, 2017 13:13:26 GMT -5
momof2ms yes, I'm not sure that survivinginfidelity is exactly the place I need/want right now. And I definitely want to rent after we've sold the house. I'm just not sure I can continue living with him, especially after he spends all of next week with her. Did you have to live with your ex? How was that?
Oh my - I was you 7 years ago. I had two little kids and while my relationship wasn't what it once was, I assumed that as the kids got older and required less of me, it would go back to what it was. Well exH ended up having an affair (I'm still not sure if it was physical - but honestly it didn't matter).
I was hurt and felt incredibly betrayed when this happened. I was barely holding it together working full time and having two kids under 2 and he was up late talking/texting to another women. I was pissed but once I got over my anger I wanted to stay together - for the kids and to avoid the embarrassment, to keep my life inline with what I had pictured. After going back and forth - he ultimately made the final call to end it. In hindsight, it was absolutely the right thing for us and now I have no regrets. I am not remarried to a man much more aligned to my values and lifestyle.
Let me tell you what I wished someone had told me - YOU ARE DESERVING OF BETTER.
Your kids will be fine and while there will be some adjustment, kids are resilient and can adapt quickly. They will ultimately be happy because you will be.
It took me about 18 months of grieving and adjusting to be ready conscientiously make the choice to move on and get on anti-depressants. I decided at that point I wanted to date and take control of my life to make it what I wanted.
During that 18 months, I cried on the way to work and after the kids went to bed and in the shower and whenever I got sad.
You need to take each day as it comes and focus on the good.
You deserve better than this. Life has ups and downs, but making a relationship during all times is the responsibility of the TWO people within the relationship. You are not responsible and did not cause him to cheat. He could have spoken up to talk to you about the things he was having an issue with before going out to satisfy his needs.
My marriage was stagnant and my ex-H did marry me even though he never really wanted to make a true commitment to our relationship. He was always searching for some unattainable happiness outside himself. What I've realized since I left him is that happiness is finding joy in regular every day life. MUNDANE LIFE without drama is really nice. I don't believe there is anything to feel regretful with when you have two young children. Priorities have to shift and sometimes that means putting your relationship on the backburner.
I'm sorry you find yourself here, but please stick around or feel free to post on the TIP board as it's more active. A lot of us have been where you are and while it may be very harrowing to get through minutes or hours right now, please know you will be okay. And there's a lot of women here to help support you through the rollercoaster. Hugs.
Post by marriedfilingjoint on Jun 21, 2017 11:55:10 GMT -5
Hi there. I'm not a SAHM but I'm going through a lot of similar issues including living with my STBX since March (and likely to be here several more months), and i have a local friend going through divorce who is a SAHM . Hang in there. There will be so many ups and downs for a while. My DD is 5 and doesn't know yet. Our kids are resilient and they are going to be sad at first but they are going to do great. Big hugs to you.
Post by freezorburn on Jun 23, 2017 0:41:04 GMT -5
I'm a lurker too but also wanted to send words of support since your story sounds so similar to mine. My ex also had a workplace affair and decided she was the love of his life, after nearly 15 years of marriage to me (and 12 years of dating and friendship before that). He was certain his future would be bright with her.
I am nearly 2.5 years out from learning about the initial affair ... finalized our divorce just before Thanksgiving last year. The emotional healing takes a long time. Some say 2-5 years. There's a lot of good advice on survivinginfidelity.com, as well as the FAQ for this board. I know I felt like I was running purely on adrenalin for most of the first 2 years or so. Also, getting the financial separation finalized was a huge relief, because I no longer felt like he was spending "our" money on the affair.
I think I'm still making progress towards a new normal ... I was home with our son from when he was born in 2012, and started working part-time this past January. That has helped a lot. Having the financial decisions coming out of the marriage decided, so I know what I have to work with and what goals I would like to set for myself, that helps a lot too.
Keeping DS at the center of all of our negotiations worked pretty well for us. We were fortunate to find a collaborative divorce coach that we both felt we could work with. The coach helped us de-escalate the conflict in our communication, and to work on logistics of caring for our son. We had additional challenges in that our son got diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder during this time. Probably the biggest point of conflict was whether my ex's affair partner should be allowed to build a relationship with DS. While I questioned her sanity, there really was no legal recourse for me to keep her away from DS. The coach helped to at least convince XH to slow down his plans to form a family with the three of them, and focus on repairing his relationship with DS. Eventually I had to allow DS to meet the AP, but at least by that time jets were cooled somewhat and XH began to understand that bringing a significant new person into DS's life needed to be done carefully and slowly. XH and his AP/girlfriend finally broke up fairly recently, thankfully before DS got too emotionally attached.
In the meantime, I've worked on my own emotional healing -- detaching from caring about what XH was doing. I realized he had become a stranger to me and I was dealing with a different person than the one that I married. It's been a constant cycle of mourning and self-care, with infinite layers to be discovered, processed and understood.
DS was 2.5-3 years old when things really started to go haywire; but he was also struggling with language development so it was pretty hard to talk to him about what was going on. He did see me cry a few times. He laughed, the first time he saw me cry. And then when his dad was increasingly absent, he lashed out -- lots of destructive behavior, as well as aggression towards me. And his separation anxiety got worse. All this led me to consult a psychologist who specialized in early childhood development, which is what led to the autism diagnosis.
As DS has made progress with language we've been able to have conversations about the divorce. We've been able to read age-appropriate books about it together, and he went through a phase where he watched the Mr. Rogers divorce episodes over and over. I'm sure he will continue to have more questions as he gets older.
I've been very lucky in that I've found a very supportive community of single parents through Meetup. It was super-helpful to hear about the experiences of those who have been there, and to draw on those experiences while negotiating the divorce. And it has been helpful for DS to get to know many of the other kids in the group, even as he struggles with social skills. In one of our books it talks about how it might help to talk to a friend whose parents are also divorced. And I helped him make the connection that we had lots of friends whose parents were divorced. Somehow I think that really helped him.
People tell me that a day will come that I will understand what I went through all this for. I'm still waiting for that day. What I can say is that I'm doing better now than I was a year ago, and better than the year before that.
Be gentle with yourself. You can get through this, one day at a time. Let us know how we can support you.
We did live together for a couple months after we had finally, officially decided to divorce and what that meant for the house. We had a different situation than yours, so I'll just say if both people need to stay under the same roof until X happens, there are ways to still co-habitate as roommates. Possibly one sleeps in a guest bedroom or the two take turns sleeping on the couch. Ofcourse you wont WANT to, but it's still temporary. Also, its probable you will need eachother to watch/feed the kids while you both do any number of things to get yourselves in order and transition. While I'm sure you already feel you do everything on your own already, its much different living as a true single parent. Good luck!