Weekend chores

[waverly]

Jul 17, 2017 7:54:00 GMT -5 HeartofCheese said:

Get divorced and do your cleaning and chores on the days your X has the kids. You'll also get a better tax return to afford a lawnguy. And less laundry.

My house would be so much cleaner if I were divorced.  H is a bit of a slob.  He does pick up, but on his schedule not mine.  

My income would probably go down dramatically though.  

[sandandsea]

On busy weeks I use Safeway delivery. They do lots of subs and the produce is never perfect but it's good enough.

I do laundry on weekends and try to start Friday night. I pile it all up and fold it after all the laundry is done so I only make one trip to put everything away. I also wash everything on cold and only separate darks and lights so fewer loads. My mom does a million loads (color, material, etc) but I don't have time for that. The only weekday laundry I do is after swim lessons (Monday) and it all goes straight back into the swim bag.

Cleaning lady every other week for deep cleaning.

We keep toys in the boys bedrooms. They're each allowed one box in the living room at a time and have to pick it up nightly before bed. Otherwise we would be overrun.

We amazon prime everything possible to cut down on errands.

I cook fast meals. I don't do food prep and make all meals in 20-30 minutes. I cook a lot of the same meals over and over and I try to grill a lot in the summer (less mess).

I pack ds lunches all Sunday night. So during the week I just grab the containers and go.

We try to do something fun one weekend day and then church and chores the other.

[186momx]

I used to do all my errands, laundry, housecleaning while DD was at daycare and I had Fridays off. Then when I was working Friday it got shoved to Sundays. Now that DD isn't in full time daycare (school age) I have her home with me on Fridays and nothing is getting done so I feel extremely overwhelmed as DH can't understand why I need help on the weekends doing this stuff that I didn't need help before.

Grocery shopping is every few weeks and consists of Winco and Costco, Wal-Mart is a once a month stop. I do very little online shopping. I've started having DD do more chores which either goes over well or not at all. I would love a housekeeper but $$$.

[freezorburn]

Jul 17, 2017 7:54:00 GMT -5 HeartofCheese said:

Get divorced and do your cleaning and chores on the days your X has the kids. You'll also get a better tax return to afford a lawnguy. And less laundry.

This has not panned out for me. When DS goes to his dad's, I usually spend the first 36-48 hours either sleeping or moving in slow motion. I get seriously burned out ... with our schedule I have him for 10-14 days at a time. So if I let things pile up for my "time off from parenting," it's not going to be any kind of break at all. Not to mention, if I have one or two full days when I'm functioning well, I'd prefer to use that time for tasks that require higher functioning ... like wrapping my brain around the latest communication from my financial planner, or tracking down who I need to get in touch with to change my name with whoever.

So it's not unusual that the day before DS comes home, my place still looks like a pig sty and I find myself prioritizing what messes need to be dealt with and which ones I will have to continue to live with for a while.

I've been trying to figure out ways to break chores down into smaller bits, so that I can stay on top of things on a daily basis through my longer stretches with DS. Getting DS to be helpful requires organization, planning, and pep talk on my part. I have found that I can't just do chores while he does his own thing. We have started writing up weekend work plans that we work through, and he helps with mopping the kitchen floor (he loves the steam mop) and putting laundry into the machines. This does not save me time -- it would all be faster if I didn't involve him, but he is at a stage where he won't just play independently while I work, and for some reason it is important to him to be involved in these tasks. So, I settle for fewer things getting done, but at least they get done.

Meal planning helps a lot with reducing trips to the store. I work at a supermarket, which is a 15 minutes walk/5 minute drive, so in my case I gain efficiency by planning for meals that require minimal prep on days that I work until 6pm. I can't really linger and shop after my shift because I have to get home to either relieve the sitter or receive DS back from his dad. But there are days when I'll bring home sushi or roast chicken so that there isn't much that needs done when I get home. I don't have a consistent food prep day, but my freezer is well-stocked, so I'm actually trying to use up those meals right now, since I'm sure as we get into late summer and fall, I'll start to feel inspired again to cook new freezer meals.SaveSave

[mommyatty]

Reading this is inspiring me to get my kids more involved in cleaning. They already put their dirty clothes in the hamper and pick up toys. But they could help dust, use the Swiffer, and fold some laundry. I remember by the time I was in kindergarten I would help my dad by folding the wash clothes, hand towels, and "help" him fold sheets and blankets. I'm sure I didn't really speed things along, but it built up to my doing my own laundry by fourth grade and being able to make dinner alone before my parents got home by sixth grade.

[indyrowergirl]

Jul 18, 2017 7:01:41 GMT -5 mommyatty said:

Reading this is inspiring me to get my kids more involved in cleaning. They already put their dirty clothes in the hamper and pick up toys. But they could help dust, use the Swiffer, and fold some laundry. I remember by the time I was in kindergarten I would help my dad by folding the wash clothes, hand towels, and "help" him fold sheets and blankets. I'm sure I didn't really speed things along, but it built up to my doing my own laundry by fourth grade and being able to make dinner alone before my parents got home by sixth grade.

My boys (7 & 4) both love using the stick vac and swiffer wet jet. It doesn't replace regular vacuuming or mopping but it does keep the mess under control in between. They "fold" laundry, sort their dirty clothes and help move clothes from washer to dryer. I'm also working on teaching them to hand wash dishes (7 washes and 4 dries) and load the dishwasher. It doesn't help much now, but I'm playing the long game, and looking forward to the day they can do these things independently.

[HeartofCheese]

Thanks for the insights, freezorburn. I'm still trying to imagine what two households is going to look like. How old is your DS?

[Covergirl82]

Jul 17, 2017 7:54:00 GMT -5 HeartofCheese said:

Get divorced and do your cleaning and chores on the days your X has the kids. You'll also get a better tax return to afford a lawnguy. And less laundry.

If I were to get divorced, my experience would probably be the opposite, LOL.  DH hates clutter and does some of the cleaning around the house now.  (The fact that his place was neat and clean (on a normal basis) when we dated was definitely what I needed/wanted after my previous BF being a total slob.)  I can't seem to get rid of clutter, although I do clean my house on a regular basis.  So maybe DH's house would just look neater because of less clutter.  I feel like when I attempt to organize and declutter, it only looks marginally better, ha ha.

[freezorburn]

Jul 18, 2017 8:41:29 GMT -5 HeartofCheese said:

Thanks for the insights, freezorburn. I'm still trying to imagine what two households is going to look like. How old is your DS?

DS is 5 but has social and behavioral delays associated with autism. Pretty much impacts everything we do.

I have some thoughts on the two homes thing, will write them down when I get home this evening.

[freezorburn]

Jul 18, 2017 11:34:43 GMT -5 Covergirl82 said:

Jul 17, 2017 7:54:00 GMT -5 HeartofCheese said:

Get divorced and do your cleaning and chores on the days your X has the kids. You'll also get a better tax return to afford a lawnguy. And less laundry.

If I were to get divorced, my experience would probably be the opposite, LOL.  DH hates clutter and does some of the cleaning around the house now.  (The fact that his place was neat and clean (on a normal basis) when we dated was definitely what I needed/wanted after my previous BF being a total slob.)  I can't seem to get rid of clutter, although I do clean my house on a regular basis.  So maybe DH's house would just look neater because of less clutter.  I feel like when I attempt to organize and declutter, it only looks marginally better, ha ha.

I'm pretty sure my XH's place is tidier because he only has DS about 30% of the time.

[waverly]

Jul 18, 2017 8:12:55 GMT -5 indyrowergirl said:

Jul 18, 2017 7:01:41 GMT -5 mommyatty said:

Reading this is inspiring me to get my kids more involved in cleaning. They already put their dirty clothes in the hamper and pick up toys. But they could help dust, use the Swiffer, and fold some laundry. I remember by the time I was in kindergarten I would help my dad by folding the wash clothes, hand towels, and "help" him fold sheets and blankets. I'm sure I didn't really speed things along, but it built up to my doing my own laundry by fourth grade and being able to make dinner alone before my parents got home by sixth grade.

My boys (7 & 4) both love using the stick vac and swiffer wet jet. It doesn't replace regular vacuuming or mopping but it does keep the mess under control in between. They "fold" laundry, sort their dirty clothes and help move clothes from washer to dryer. I'm also working on teaching them to hand wash dishes (7 washes and 4 dries) and load the dishwasher. It doesn't help much now, but I'm playing the long game, and looking forward to the day they can do these things independently.

Mine are almost 7 and 4.  He also vacuums, not very well, but enough to get a lot of dirt and then I grab it and get the rest.  The both do the swiffer mop.  I guess I could start to teach them the dishes.  It's more of a height issue to reaching the sink than anything else, and we have a deep sink, but something to consider since he is getting taller.  

I was having him do the kitty litter, but that also was poorly done, so I took that back.  They both feed the cat which didn't go too well at the beginning, but I think we have straightened that out.  

They set and clear the table and wash the table, push in chairs and sweep under the table since my oldest is such a messy eater.  And I mentioned before the laundry.  It is hard to monitor and set up especially at the beginning we had sticker charts, and I would have to go check their work, but now its more routine, so a little less monitoring than even a year ago.  They also use the duster and wash the refrigerator/ wipe surfaces.  DS even helped H with the yard a little bit, and uses the leaf blower.   They help me bring in the garbage cans.  They take pride in their work and usually there is some fighting over the swiffer etc.  

[mommyatty]

HeartofCheese- I think the question of what two houses look like is different for every person. For me, it would definitely mean I had more money and could hire things out more easily. It would also mean I would choose to do more things myself. DH is the polar opposite of a DIYer and gets pissed if I want to do anything like paint our bathroom or refinish a coffee table. Things I frankly love doing but he considers "messy" and beneath us.

If you do decide to go this route, I would highly recommend finding a therapist that can help you craft a coparenting agreement right from the start. That will help you see where your H's head is regarding stuff like how often he plans on taking advantage of visitation etc. When H and I were in counseling and divorce looked more likely than not, our therapist said he could help with that if it came to it.

[HeartofCheese]

mommyatty, I'm still just absorbing what might/will be different. But currently we're planning on selling the house and living together until it closes. H is going to move into the basement and we're going to try to do one-on-two time with the kids on Saturdays and Sundays. I've also contacted an attorney and a realtor. That's really all we've done so far...

[frozenpeas]

HeartofCheese I don't mean to derail the thread, but I'm sorry you're going through this. How are you doing with all of it?

[HeartofCheese]

Thanks, frozenpeas. Just waiting for the shit to hit the fan. At some point, I'm going to be bulled over with emotion or will realize I made some big decision too hastily or MH's emotions will make living together untenable or my parents will get too involved or not involved enough or my kids will fall apart or I won't have enough money or something. But right now - doin' good! FX!

[freezorburn]

Jul 18, 2017 8:41:29 GMT -5 HeartofCheese said:

Thanks for the insights, freezorburn . I'm still trying to imagine what two households is going to look like. How old is your DS?

Here are my thoughts on two homes ... I don't really know you or your situation beyond what you've posted, so this is based mostly on my own experience as well as other single parents that I am close to.

To paraphrase something mentioned in an earlier thread -- that it's unhealthy for the kids to witness (and perhaps normalize) the dynamic between you and YH -- I hear this a lot. And while this certainly can be what helps you decide what to do when you are at that tipping point, I guess what I would say is that there are other things to consider as you decide to move forward. In particular, what is the long view? What scenarios can you envision now, that would be healthiest for your kids, given what you have to work with now?

As you contemplate the end of your marriage, the concept of divorce might offer the anticipation of relief. The ability to establish boundaries, hopefully healthy ones. And while divorce affords the opportunity to redefine your relationship with the father of your children, he is. still. the father. of your children. Except in extreme circumstances, they don't get to divorce him, too. He will likely have some access to the children, and this is something you need to be getting legal advice about soonest.

You've mentioned emotional abuse. I'm not sure what else may or may not be going on in your marriage. From what I gather, the legal system doesn't really care about emotional abuse. It's difficult to prove. I live in a no-fault state, so all it takes is for one party to say that the marriage is "irretrievably broken." And you can start proceedings. I don't know what the situation is elsewhere. But when it comes to parental rights, basically, there's no law against being an asshole. Even assholes have rights as parents.

While you can take steps to protect and insulate yourself from emotional abuse, it's a different case for your children. Unless the father opts out of being a parent (which IMO is also a form of abuse), it is very difficult to protect kids from emotional abuse, if there is nothing else going on that would endanger their safety or health. If you have a shared custody situation, for example, and if parenting is an area where you already lack common ground, you likely won't have much say in how he manages things when the kids are with him. And that could literally mean anything.

I think there is a lot to be said for the divorce process, how you manage it, whether it is volatile or whether you are able to de-escalate tensions. Especially while you are negotiating your parenting plan. The tone of the divorce can set the tone of how you co-parent. I would regard your divorce proceedings as a window of opportunity in which to define how you co-parent. In some cases, where the divorce is extremely high conflict, people end up parallel parenting. I can only imagine that that is very tough on kids. I have a lot of friends who went through a traditional adversarial process, and years later, they are still fighting. Some of them have exes who actively try to alienate them from their children, at any given opportunity. And there is not much they can do to make things better. They can document instances of violating the parenting plan. Maybe they can petition to get a court-appointed advocate to investigate a situation and make recommendations. If you want to change a parenting plan, it's a long and difficult process.

My divorce had the potential to be high conflict. We could have fought over assets and over custody. And I will admit that I was struggling with hurt feelings and I wanted him to hurt, too. But more powerful than that was to do the best I could for DS. With DS's autism diagnosis, I needed to re-engage XH as a co-parent, in spite of the fact that he basically took a powder on parenting for the better part of a year. It was clear to me that DS would fare better if his dad were to stay involved. For me that meant a financial settlement that was fair rather than aggressive, and a collaborative co-parenting plan, which has seen its share of shaky ground. And a lot of work on de-escalating, and accountability. For a while DS's dad was extremely detached as a parent, and we have worked towards him being engaged and involved. We were lucky to find a collaborative divorce coach who we both felt comfortable working with. We spent over 6 months de-escalating our conflict before we even got the lawyers involved. Our divorce took nearly 2 years from initial separation to final papers. And although I didn't want any of this situation to begin with, I'm satisfied with the process. But it's possible that XH may detach again because from where I sit, it seems like he is still working through some stuff that may lead to him prioritizing other things over parenting. That's just how he is, and I'm doing what I can to prepare myself for that possibility.

What's it like raising a kid who has two homes? It's hard for the kid, even in the best of circumstances. DS does not like the back and forth. I am exhausted all the time. It's hard to carve out time to take care of chores, do household management stuff, stay on top of DS's schedule and expenses and still have time for myself: planning my future, planning my re-entry to full-time work, reviewing my budget and seeing if it matches the expenses, etc. It's hard to carve out time for socializing with other adults. If I want to go out when he is with me, I have to hire a sitter. When he is not with me I am usually too exhausted to be around people. I'm lucky that I've found a really great community of single parents locally, to hang out with either for playdates with kids, or for company when I don't have my kid. For a while, I was too tired during my weekends "off" from parenting, to miss DS. But now as I recharge my batteries, it really sucks to not see him for 4-7 days at a stretch (we are experimenting with different intervals for the summer). If I'm lucky we can do FaceTime during his time with his dad, but it doesn't always work out and it's not as good as interacting in person. 

Some resources:

The Co-Parents’ Handbook by Karen Bonnell

Mom’s House, Dad’s House by Isolina Ricci (there is also an edition for kids — even though it’s for kids older than ours, our coach recommended we read it for a child’s perspective)

Examples of custody schedules


I could probably go on, but I need to do some hard-core sleeping now
Let me know if you have any specific questions and I'll do my best to answer





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[xctsclrx]

So my older boys have a list of chores to do when they are with us for long stretches. Usually it is great, they clean up after themselves and can do the laundry and sorting when DH and I are not there. They also have to clean up after dinner. Lately however my oldest who has up until recently has been awesome, has now transformed into full blown teenager. Doesn't want to do anything for anyone. Argues about everything and when he does complete a task it is wrong or only half way done.

I a torn between wanting to make him do it so he learns that he can't walk all over us and giving up, because we only have him for a few weeks and then he goes back to his mom's house. I don't want to make his time with us miserable, I don't want to constantly fight with him, but I also hate being ignored in my own house.


This turned into a rant, sorry. If anyone has advice dealing with teens please help.

[HeartofCheese]

freezorburn (or whoever knows), does a parenting plan just cover custody/visitation or does it address other issues in advance, too? E.g., when the kids get phones, how long they play video games, when they can date, financial decision-making re: school, payment for extracurriculars, whether we both have to agree on what extracurriculars the kids will participate in? I feel like I lose all of my leverage divorcing him. Married I can insist on parenting classes or counseling as a condition of staying together, or I can force certain issues (like wanting them to do karate); but divorced - I think I will be stuck with paying for "unsanctioned" activities on my own and taking them on my own time and kissing goodbye any games/tournaments/activities that occur during H's time - no matter how important they are to DD and DS.

Thanks for the info, freezorburn. That is tremendously helpful. I think H will be better with the kids when he no longer has me as a crutch, but he will always be selfish, anxious, and depressed. And the dynamic is better when the kids are just with a selfish, anxious, depressed guy part of the time than with SAD guy bringing everyone down all of the time. And I think SAD guy will be less SAD when can appreciate his time with the kids more (b/c he'll have them less). I also need my independence to do what I need to do for the kids and to not be constantly down b/c I'm pissed at their dad. We just need freedom. And since H won't do anything about any of his issues, he's going to just have to stay locked up in his jail by himself.

[xctsclrx]

HeartofCheese, Make your parenting plan as detailed as possible. It can include everything. As for extra curricular, yes you need to agree before signing them up or be prepared that they won't go on his time. Be respectful of his time. I would agree to a minimum of one activity per kid at a time a maybe a max of two or three? Child support is supposed to cover some of that, but you guys can agree that he pays half before hand.

Include the phone thing now including who pays for it and if it can be taken away for "punishment"

You can't control the video game time at his house let that go.

School is default public school for whoever has physical custody if you want them to go to private then you have to pay for it or both of you have to agree. Childcare is different he will be responsible for at least half and it is included in child support payments at least in my state

you can insist on parenting/anger management classes, but if he doesn't agree it might have to be something you concede on.

Dating: I wouldn't address that now, talk later when the first one is interested. Plans will change

Do include when they can meet new significant others and when those SO can spend the night.



For DH and I, we make every effort to get them to whatever activity they want to go to if THEY ask us (ages 13 and 15). Too many times their mom has said that they want to do xyz and then we find out that the boys didn't want to do xyz and their mom just signed them up without discussing it with anyone.

I have been part of a blended family for 9 years now. I have a lot of advice and perspective on the step moms side. If you have any other questions I am more than willing to share my experience.

[freezorburn]

HeartofCheese , the jurisdiction where you file may have specific requirements about parenting plans. At the very least there will be a custody or visitation schedule, and who makes legal decisions (usually medical and education). There might be a section about dispute resolution. In my jurisdiction there is some boilerplate language about how the parent who the child spends most of their time with, is required to notify the other parent within a given time frame if they plan to move.

Other than that, you can put anything else you want in the plan ... and it's probably a good idea to have things on paper if you are worried about accountability with the other parent.

The Order of Child Support is a separate document. Again, I'm not sure whether this is the case elsewhere, I'm just describing my own experience. The OCS has the amount of support to be paid, a schedule for the amount to be adjusted, X amount to be paid towards health insurance. Which parent can claim the child as a dependent on taxes (not sure if this is in the OCS or in another document; some parents alternate years). There is a section for expenses that are not included in child support, and in what proportion those expenses are shared (ours was intentionally left vague, but there are advantages to listing things out). My understanding is that child support is supposed to go towards living expenses that are difficult to separate out -- i.e., how much food the child eats; the portion of utilities used by the child; the square footage of the home. Additional expenses may include many of the things you listed ... a lawyer can advise you as to how to include these in your documents.

I understand what you mean about losing leverage. And as you get into it, you may find that there are some things that you will have to let go of, while there are other things that you will want to fight for. It's like any other negotiation. Both parties will have their priorities that they bring to the table -- start with the common ground, since that's easiest. Build consensus from there. You want to build a plan that is child-centered, but also is manageable for each parent. The kids shouldn't have to miss out on activities or social time with peers because of which parent they are with at any given time. I know that this happens and it sucks majorly for the kids. But I think if you discuss these things early on, you can minimize these kinds of disruptions for your kids. It took a lot of work in our case, but we both attend school events and we are both responsible for getting DS to his activities and to play dates and birthday parties. It can be done.