DH and I got into an argument last night because I told him, for like the 100th time, that I do not want to be buried when I die. I want everything that can be removed to be donated (except my eyes, which a) don’t work that well and b) freaks me right out), and then I want to be cremated. Maybe be didn’t believe me every other time I told him?? But for some reason he got really upset last night. Told me I was being selfish and that our daughters deserved the closure of burying me when the time comes. When I disagreed with his opinion, he just kept insisting that I was missing his point. “Nope!” I kept repeating. “I understand your opinion perfectly. I simply don’t agree with it.”
So I’ve now added a visit to a lawyer to my to do list, because when it comes down to it, I don’t believe he will execute on my wishes.
mae0111, So a better question might be, where do you want your ashes to go?
It was a long weekend. Saturday was spent at DH's grandfather's funeral. We were there for visitation, and then a 2 hour mass (which somehow we survived without my children causing a scene), and then the reception at a tavern after. It was a really nice service, and my kids didn't really understand all of it, particularly as DH's grandfather had already been cremated, and just his ashes were inside the closed casket. But it went way better than I had hoped. Yesterday was church, two birthday parties, dance for DD, and then DS's godparents stopped by with their little one for about half an hour so that we could exchange christmas gifts (last year it was march when we got together, so we are doing well that it is only February this time). It's nice to be back at my semi quiet office.
mae0111 we buried my dad's ashes on top of his parents gravesite. It made me feel better. He was divorced and all of the sites around my grandparents were taken, so it was nice I could place him with his family. We did a very nice flat stone on top of the site for his marker.
My 15 year old is A) driving and B) has a girlfriend. Driving is going fairly well thank goodness. The girlfriend thing doesn't really bother me yet, but I found out that my DH and SS1 mother have not talked about consent, and the school only teaches no means no. I am currently planning the conversation we are going to have when he is back at our house. His dad and are discussing what needs to be said. Hopefully all the BC talk sticks.
My 3 year old is refusing to use the potty. He is not having accidents and is just not using the bathroom. I am on the verge of calling the pediatrician and asking for help. We are going to put him in underwear at night next weekend to see how much he is peeing at night and then I am calling.
Also, pregnancy and everything that goes with it.
I think I am going to have grey hair before I leave my 20s.
I don’t want to be buried. I’m fine with being scattered on a grave, it I do not want to be in the ground.
I would tell anyone to do what feels right to them (besides burying). Scatter me someplace meaningful. Keep me on the mantle. Put me in some jewelry. Shove me in a closet if that’s most appropriate. Whatever brings them peace. But I really do not want to be buried.
mae0111 we buried my dad's ashes on top of his parents gravesite. It made me feel better. He was divorced and all of the sites around my grandparents were taken, so it was nice I could place him with his family. We did a very nice flat stone on top of the site for his marker.
We did a similar thing with my mom's parents' ashes. They were divorced, so my mom and uncle had them each buried in between their parents. Both have a flat stones as markers, just like rere mentioned.
I want to be cremated mostly because of the cost - I feel like it's silly to pay for a casket and all the embalming process for a body I obviously don't need anymore.
Post by HeartofCheese on Feb 12, 2018 9:48:20 GMT -5
I've been going broke since Christmas. The STBXH decided around then that he wanted finances to be separate which would be a logistical nightmare considering how many expenses we share (until he moves out) and his unreliability (generally speaking). He wanted me to pay for all of Christmas (which I pretty much did). I even bought him several gifts so the kids didn't wonder why daddy didn't get anything. Then I bought myself some things and wrapped them for the same purpose. He bought no gifts. Not for kids, not for his family (incl nieces), not for anyone. Oh wait. He bought a teacup for his girlfriend at the time. He ended up giving a couple hundred to me for Christmas.
Fast forward to this weekend. I sort everything out and send him a new budget with the amounts he will need to deposit 2/month. In total, I have overpaid almost $1500 and he has underpaid about $600. He also eats my food and drives the car using my gas. I am also the only one buying things like toilet paper, sandwich baggies, tin foil, laundry detergent, etc., etc. - which he uses. And, b/c fresh produce is so expensive, I'm the only buying that, too.
He makes $13k more than I do, but actually freaked out about this budget. He also wants to pay 50/50 and keep his extra 13k all to himself. Wtf. When's the divorce coming, world?
I’ve been thinking about you mae0111 and wondering how things are going with your H.
My weekend was hell. Apparently as part of his never ending struggles, DH going to have a mental health crisis every two weeks. No talk of self-harm at least. I’m so worn out. It’s H’s birthday today too.
2chatter do you give lessons on how to disengage from spousal mental health? I need better tips for protecting myself and setting boundaries.
HeartofCheese, When is he moving out? You guys can not keep living like this indefinitely. I know the divorce might take awhile but jeez you would think he would want to move out too.
Post by justcheckingin73 on Feb 12, 2018 9:58:39 GMT -5
My weekend was a good mix of getting things done and relaxing.
DS woke up with a sore throat on Sat (2nd day) so I took him in and he was positive for strep. He’s been on meds for 48 hours and is feeling better so back to school he goes.
We also spent a lot of time digging out from the 5-6” we got on Friday and the additional 3 we got on Saturday Winter can be over! Though, I’ve pretty much guaranteed that we will get no more snow since I just ordered some YakTrax so I can run in the snow. Sure enough Wed and Thurs rain and 40s.
Last night I slept like crap. In addition to my kitty snuggling up and waking me, I made a 7:30 am dermatology appt for DD and kept myself awake worrying about getting her there, then to school, getting DS to school and then getting back in time for my 9:15 meeting. All was good. The appt ended early so we got to school (practically on time) and was able to get home before I had to drop DS off. And my meeting was cancelled.
Post by covergirl82 on Feb 12, 2018 10:06:05 GMT -5
Our weekend was good, but busy.
Friday night DD and DH went to the daddy-daughter dance at school. DS had baseball practice, and then he and I watched a show on the History Channel (on-demand) about the Knights Templar. (It was very interesting if you like history and have any interest in the Knights Templar.)
Saturday morning I had to go pick up some groceries and stuff for DD's birthday. Then we had my parents and sister and MIL over for lunch to celebrate DD's birthday. MIL lives all of 4 miles away and got to our house 30 minutes early. Then DS had a basketball game in the early afternoon (they got crushed by the other team), then we went to see the new Peter Rabbit movie, then DH went to his bowling league and DS went with him, so DD and I hung out at home and she played with all her new toys.
Sunday we were planning to go to church, but I was tired from Saturday and still had DD's party to do in the afternoon, so we skipped. I still had to go to the store to get DD's cake and some more groceries, so I did that mid-morning. DD's party was at the place she goes for gymnastics class. It was the best $100 I've spent on a birthday party.
Celebration: After 10 days of measurable snow, we finally are not supposed to get any snow today!
The weekend was great! Gal-entine's day brunch on Saturday with some girlfriends, saw DH's play Saturday night, and spent all day Sunday bumming around the house with the kids, watching the Olympics.
And then I set my alarm clock for AM not PM and woke up late this morning when DH's alarm went off. Whoops.
Post by justcheckingin73 on Feb 12, 2018 10:23:20 GMT -5
I’m the same way, mae0111, and so are my parents which is a good thing. My dad was in the military, all of my grandparents are dead and none of my aunts or uncles live anywhere near my parents hometowns so I would have no idea where to bury them where I could actually visit them.
Ugh HeartofCheese. That sounds miserable. I hope there is an end to this soon.
HeartofCheese , When is he moving out? You guys can not keep living like this indefinitely. I know the divorce might take awhile but jeez you would think he would want to move out too.
He is never moving out. My life has become a tragic parody of Groundhog Day.
Weekend was great. DD is in a great place meds-wise right now. I am really enjoying this buoyant, happy, silly girl I fell in love with so long ago. Anxiety sucks ass. Who would have thought her best (so far) meds solution would be THREE different ADHD meds and nothing specifically for anxiety? I guess a little confidence goes a long way.
Basketball game was 31-1. DD scored the 1 because she was fouled. She was actually fouled twice so she missed 3 shots but made one. She also missed a ton of shots when she was playing in the regular game. She's just about the only kid who took shots. It was awful. AND DD only got one foul of her own. That never happens.
HeartofCheese , When is he moving out? You guys can not keep living like this indefinitely. I know the divorce might take awhile but jeez you would think he would want to move out too.
He is never moving out. My life has become a tragic parody of Groundhog Day.
Post by erinshelley21 on Feb 12, 2018 11:24:13 GMT -5
We had a great weekend away. However, we missed our kids so much we are considering cancelling our trip to Charleston in May haha. I told DH if we did then I would want another weekend away just the 2 of us. So, we'll see. Cancelling would also pay the bill we are going to get from the dealer for fixing what is wrong in our camper, which is about 10 different things.
DD was a little sick the whole time though. I'm guessing mostly from teething but with a touch of a stomach bug thrown in. I woke up at 1:30am to the sound of DS getting sick, so he and I were up every 20-30 minutes after that so he could get sick. I'm going to be lysoling my entire house when I'm home for lunch. While it would be nice to lose 5lbs, I have time to do it the stomach flu way right now.
mommyatty - ugh I forgot it was tie dye day for friendship week until I read your post. DD is going to kill me.
shakinros - I think living my life despite DH has been the key. He used to throw me into a tailspin. Now it only happens when he is freaking out and I am not home and have to come home because one or more of the kids is home. I also refuse to spend time with him and focus on this kids. Case in point - we were supposed to go out to eat on Saturday night. DH was a train wreck. So I cancelled dinner, picked up food for the kids and Uber Eats ordered sushi and pad Thai for DH and I while the kids and I played games and he stomped around. Life went on and I avoided him making dinner awful in a restaurant.
HeartofCheese - If you can, stop thinking about the 13k that belongs to exh and either enjoy sharing the bills for now or force him out in the nearer term. When my ex lived with me initially there was a financial agreement. He never paid. I stopped asking. It made me sane. It was more valuable to me to have him in the kids’ lives (middle was an infant so truly doing that solo would have sucked). It’s not ever going to be fair but if you can decide on your priority it will be less stressful. If money is your priority — force his hand by making him solely responsible for things. Like, gymnastics. Exh paid for that and when he didn’t I apologized and called him from gymnastics and had him pay over my phone. I didn’t offer to pay, but I administrated it. Beat down and stressful, but it was a good case of an ex being like a coupon. My ex was incapable of sticking to financial agreements. I could have fought the battle for what was fair or chosen to take what made me sane.
Post by erinshelley21 on Feb 12, 2018 11:29:09 GMT -5
mae0111, coming from a child who has lost their parent, I only visit my dad's grave on his birthday, the anniversary of him dying, to put a grave pillow on for Christmas and every once in a while when I'm feeling really stressed. I do the first two because I feel like I'm supposed too. There are other ways to remember someone and that can be done outside of a grave site. Also, closure doesn't always happen at the cemetery when the casket is buried and that doesn't matter if the death was expected or unexpected. This part of life is not black and white like your H is making it.
My dad insisted he wanted to be cremated and flushed down the toilet. He was not one for ceremony. My grandma couldn't handle this, so according to the family bible, his ashes were scattered in the sea. In reality, he's sitting in a box in the closet, where he's been for nearly 30 years. My mom recently has gotten on a kick about scattering his ashes in her hometown (the desert where her brother's ashes were scattered). Because 1, DNW to drive 7 hours to her then 3 hours to the desert. 2, I don't understand why she wouldn't just make my grandma a truth teller and scatter him in the ocean, and 3, I was 7 when he died, and even I knew he hated "the god damn forsaken hell hole of a desert."
mae0111- my dad died when I was a teen. I’m in my 40s. I’ve been to his grave exactly 4 times. Two were under emotional duress. The closest I get to visiting is to wave and say “Hi, Dad!” when I go to my gynecologist since his office is right by the cemetery.
And my dad and I were very close. But he’s not there. His remains are.
DH’s dad’s ashes are sitting under his nightstand. MIL talks to them. I find both of those facts odd, but hey. You do you, I guess.
My mom was cremated and not buried at all. And she did not have a funeral. Cremation was fine, but some kind of actual service honoring and remembering her would have helped a lot. As it was it just sort of hung out there. But it was as she wished so I honored that also and just rolled with it. A year or so later her church planted a tree in her honor and did a little memorial in the church service, so I treated that as her funeral and grave site. But I have only ever visited the tree like 3-4 times in the last dozen years, and less as time has passed. So even that wasn't necessary for closure in the end.
My anxiety is off the charts today. Spring sports start this week but it’s dark and cold so practices are a CF. DD starts PT and needs to get started with the orthodontist. And we have Valentines Day. I also realized I missed putting a heart on the kids doors for three days. I forgot to set up a sitter for Saturday night and hope we can find one. Slacking. Our grocery order has some weird mistakes and I have been to the store twice already to correct them. This morning discovered they gave us the wrong cereal too. So back I go, IDK when. Super annoyed. Also no idea if the dependent care will pay for last year because the school is closed, can’t locate anyone (the person i thought would sign is apparently Not returning from India) and they didn’t provide statements, receipts etc near the end. That’s $4500. I am kind of spiraling.
Post by traveltheworld on Feb 12, 2018 12:13:39 GMT -5
We had an ok weekend. I was being irrationally annoyed at DH and the kids, and was overall a pain to be around. I was downright mean to DH for no reason, and this morning when I was leaving at 5 a.m., he got out of bed just so that he could take my carry-on luggage down to the front door for me and give me a kiss goodbye. It made me feel awful for being such a b*tch all weekend. Now I'm trying to think of something nice I can do/buy for him.
Post by covergirl82 on Feb 12, 2018 12:32:56 GMT -5
I was also thinking of changing the locks and putting all his stuff outside too, xctsclrx.
I am sorry, HeartofCheese. What you're going through sounds so stressful and exhausting. Dealing with your STBXH and trying to keep things normal for your kids (plus work and everything else) is a lot.