Complex but not so complex story

[rumi1]

I have been married 12 years. We met when I graduated college, and were married at 25. I am now 37. We do not have kids. We have started to talk about kids, and I just do not feel this overwhelming desire. I think it's more of a I don't want to die alone than actually commit to children. I feel like women are pressured that they have to feel this way. Anyway, still with me? We do not have a good sex life. I dont' really know how to fix it, because I can't say it was ever good. I fell in love with what a good person he is. And he still is. He is a great provider, good man, kind heart, not a malicious bone in his body. I don't think after 12 years of marriage you are having steamy hot sex, but I would think you would at least want to have sex....and let me say my husband is very attractive. 


I have a beautiful home, wonderful friends and family, and I fear that if I leave, I'm giving up the home I worked so hard to have and I'm not sure how my friends/family would take it. As I write this out, I'm starting to realize how ridiculous I sound. I think more than anything, I don't want to hurt him. He deserves happiness, and I'm struggling with my own happiness to give that to him. I told him a few months back I wasn't happy, and that when our condo unit we rent was empty at the end of February was open, I was moving there if things did not change. I can't say he's made efforts to be more emotionally present, or do things with me, etc. I am always the one to plan things, take charge, etc. which is fine, but every now and then, it would be nice if he did too. He's not one to tell me much on feelings, and tells me it's because of my "tough persona" which is bullshit because everyone else sees right through it. 


I ride a motorcycle, and I met a fellow rider who I am head over heels for, which has complicated this as it is. I know people tend to think the other person can do no wrong, etc, but I feel like this person gets me. Sees through my tough exterior, provides me with emotional support, makes me feel passion in a way I have not in a very long time. 


I'm not sure what I'm asking here. I don't need a lecture that I need Jesus, I'm aware of my actions, and I'm not here to argue they are right. I'm more scared of walking away from a wonderful life/man, and regretting it when it's too late. I'm worried about my family and friends not being supportive. I'm worried about the things that should not matter, because my happiness should be number one, especially since this is not complicated by kids. Have you been in my shoes? Please offer me some perspective.

[dancelnow]

I have been in your shoes, but unfortunately I had a kid then, even after the conflicting do I want kids feeling.

I would recommend finding a counselor to talk it out with. Figure out what has changed- your needs, your experience in life and therefore desires, laziness on either part? Then try to separate what others expect of you from what you need to be happy long term. My mother still hasn't come around to my divorce two years later, but it was absolutely right for me long term.

[brewco]

I think it would be best to cut contact with the motorcycle rider and do some work on yourself to find out why you're feeling this way before you make any big decisions. What happens when the new relationship gets comfortable and fizzles from the newness? Are you going to be looking for the next best thing again? I think a counselor would be a good place to start to help you figure out your feelings. I don't think it's fair to you or your H if you stay just because you're worried about reactions from him, friends and family. You'll become even more unhappy and resentful towards your H if you only stay for those reasons. I'm sorry that you're struggling.

[freezorburn]

In addition to individual counseling, you might consider finding a couples' counselor. Whatever you decide to do about your marriage, it sounds like you claim to respect and care for your husband enough that you might want to mitigate the pain you might cause by exiting the marriage. IMHO the best way you can do this is to have an open and honest conversation (or series of conversations) with him about the health of your marriage. Having a counselor help can provide a safe, neutral space for those conversations, and even if you end up leaving the marriage, at least he wouldn't be blindsided and hopefully would have an easier time understanding your reasons for doing so. He may even reach the same conclusions that you do.

I would also be careful of the emotional affair that you are considering .... it's important to sort out how much of it is how you feel about your marriage, vs. what are your needs/wants individually that are behind what you are feeling.

I say this as someone whose ex had an emotional affair that became sexual, that as I gain distance and perspective on what happened (it's been 3 years since everything came to light), and I watch my ex continue to struggle to re-establish his new life, that I'm beginning to conclude that whatever drove him to do what he did, was less about our marriage than they were about his internal struggles, which he has yet to make sense of. In short, having an affair and divorcing me solved NONE of his problems. The only thing the divorce solved was that his problems are no longer "our" problems.

Granted, every situation is unique ... but the more divorce stories I hear, the more I think many of us are doomed to live out all the cliches. JM2C.

[rumi1]

Thank you everyone for your replies. I think I will do just that....seek out some counseling. It's good to know I'm not alone, and others have gone through this at some capacity. Your kind words mean a lot.

[kanga1]

I agree with brewco, you need to cut contact with the motorcycle man. If he is in the picture things will never get better with your H and cutting ties with him will help you figure out if you really like him or if he is just a fun distraction/something new.

It's okay to want to get divorced even if your head tells you that you should stay because of what a good person he is. Good people get divorced too. A counselor can help you sort through this.

This is random but you aren't from Asheville NC are you?