Post by freezorburn on Jul 21, 2018 2:29:21 GMT -5
This is something I struggle greatly with, because I was raised by parents who often pitted me against my siblings or against peers, so that nothing I ever did was good enough. We were not raised to celebrate our accomplishments; we were made to feel inadequate because we had not achieved what others had. Our parents' love and respect and sense of our worth as people, was directly tied to whether they thought we made them look good or not.
Under my parents' value system, cheaters got rewarded as long as they didn't get caught. Cheating was rampant in my high school. So the other person got ahead because they weren't playing fair? Well don't let them have that advantage over you. Integrity and honesty get you nowhere. They would be so, so ashamed and embarrassed that I didn't get top grades, didn't matter that other students were stealing answer keys or hoarding reference books that we were all supposed to have access to. And then on Sunday they would make me go to church, and somehow nothing we learned in church applied to the rest of the week.
So many mixed messages from my parents. Eventually I got into therapy and figured out that trying to please them was like playing global thermonuclear war. The only way to win is not to play.
So my greatest personal accomplishment is to break free of my parents' manipulative ways. I've been working at it for decades, ever since I became aware that I had a choice in how I handled my parents' negativity. I have established boundaries with my parents. I don't tolerate toxic people in my life. I work every day at affirming my own choices. I am parenting very differently from the model that I received from my parents. I'm raising DS to be proud of his accomplishments, to be self-aware, to own his choices and their consequences. I don't ever want him to think that my love for him has any conditions attached.
freezorburn that had to be so hard. I am so sorry you went through that and didn’t have your parents unconditional love. I don’t know how to function in a world of appearances and where cheating is a good thing and honesty and integrity are not. Major props to you for breaking free.
I've been thinking of answer to this and I am struggling. I haven't really established myself in a career yet. Right now I don't have a desire to go back to school.
I think my biggest accomplishment outside of marriage and kids was my ability to put myself through school and not ever move back in with my parents. They did help me with surprise expenses like my coolant pump going out on my car and the summer my roommate couldn't cover her half of the utility bills.
Financially, I am proud that my credit score has never been under 700 and I was able to pay off my student loans early. My husband and I are both committed to leaving within our means and that means turning down vacations with friends and missing out on some fun things because of it. It has been hard and I have been upset about it in the past, but it needed to be done.
Quoted because I keep screwing up the tag on mobile.
This is me. I lived in what most would call a toxic home. I lived at home the first two years, simply because it would help me reach my goal of graduation. When my parents divorced my Jr year, finally, I was out. My mom was coming at me one day, and I said, I pay all my own food, supplies, car, college,etc... she turned out the lights. She had a point. At that point I knew that anytime I was obligated to someone financially, I was under their control at least somewhat. I walked out that day, and never came back, and never took a dime again, minus paying for the wedding, which my dad did.
Dhs parents we not toxic, but their supreme cheapness hurts my feelings for dh. They refused to pay for proms, graduation presents, college, rehearsal dinner (us), weddings (SIL ). To the point that if Dh knows his dad has something he needs like a tool, he will go out a buy it himself because he knows his dad won't lend it to him. Mil sent home leftovers and before we ate them, wanted her Tupperware back. It was the container you get the deli ham at the supermarket.
That's why, while our achievements may not be the most, we are so super proud when we sit on our back porch and see how far we have come, because we have done it ourselves do not owe, except the bank, anyone.
However, we hope the break this cycle and help give our kids a start by helping through college , giving them a hand getting started if they need it.
I was looking for baby pics of the dog and came across all the baby pics of DDs. Leaving my ex - it hit me - was a huge accomplishment. Seeing the pics of how tiny DD was when we separated - I mean I knew she was so little but seeing it - I must have been crazy (not really because she STTN like a champ and was a super easy baby). I also found screenshots of things like my ex pulling 7K out of our account for gambling debts and a pic of my mom bringing in groceries for the kids because he had cleaned out our accounts again. You can see formula and fruit in the bag and I could feel the exact way I felt in that moment. Unreal.