Frenemy...

[mae0111]

Honest to God I'm so sick of this, but I need more advice...

Background: DD1 had a Frenemy last year that treated  her like crap, and it escalated through the school year.  Frenemy's mom asked for a play date back in June, and I said that DD1 needed to be away from kids at the school to determine how friendships work.  Frenemy sent DD a letter a few weeks ago asking for a play date.  DD1 responded stating that she appreciated the letter, but that she needed more time away from Frenemy.  I did not mail the letter. 

Frenemy's mom texted me late last week asking to get the girls together.   Since being relatively direct before didn't work, I was more breezy this time - sorry, we are super busy for the next 2 weeks until school starts, can't get together, good luck to Frenemy in 3rd grade!

Mom just responded saying that Frenemy is going to write another letter, and would I please let DD1 respond this time, "as [Frenemy] is still waiting for a response to her first letter.  Thanks."

WTF do I do now?  Do I tell her that DD1 did, in fact respond, but I thought it was too mean to mail a "leave me alone" letter?  Do I let DD1 respond when she gets the letter?  Do I just move and change my number (kidding... sort of...)?

[phdmomma]

Is Frenemy's mom really this clueless that her daughter was a jerk to DD last year? If it was me, I would be very direct with the mother, and explain why it is not a good idea for DD to get together with her daughter. And that if her daughter writes back to DD, you will let her send a reply, but she may find it to be hurtful, even though it is the truth. That way you are letting the mom know why you don't want them to get together (super directly), and what will happen if she keeps pressing it. I think that super super directness is the only thing that will get through to this woman. Or move and change your number....

[waverly]

I saw the title, and was like oh no not the frenemy. OK reading now...

She sounds nutty. I might start deleting texts and not responding. And/or blocking.

Friendship break up letters are almost never a good idea. I get the girl might need closure, and the mom might be pushing for that. But it is not your job or your child's job to provide it. Now you just have written documentation of the fight. Typically 8 year old girls, and some moms are not really mature enough for a truly mature friendship break-up, so then it just gets overly dramatic and messy. I mean ghosting is also not the best option, but there really isn't an option 3.  And you tried the direct approach already. 

The only reason why I would engage is if you share mutual friends, and commonly see her around town. But it didn't seem like that was the case. And you can always be polite in person, and say oh I'm sorry I didn't get your text.  I just remembered the letter though... hmm...

[HeartofCheese]

I would just keep dodging at this point. You've said what you had to say and they missed the message somehow. You've done what you need to do for your daughter (who you have soundly concluded will not benefit from this friendship now or in the future). All you do now is just dodge until they stop. If they send another letter, I'd keep it and not give to DD unless or until DD expressed interest in the friendship again. Hopefully this will all fade over the course of the next year. :/

ETA: But I would respond minimally. You don't want to fuel this fire. I would just ignore the comment about the letter and decline invites to get together.

[covergirl82]

Yeah, that mom sounds nuts. I agree with others that it's probably time to be direct with her... I would text back and tell her your DD won't be responding to the letter, that the frenemy wasn't a good friend to your DD, and you feel your DD needs healthy, positive friendships.

While it wouldn't be fun to receive a text like that, I would want to know if my kids were not being a good friend to other kids.

[2chatter]

These people have a way of resurfacing, years later, so... I never advocate bridge burning. Having said that...

I think DD can write a letter in response to this one that is honest and not a breakup. Chatty - I love/am looking forward to my new school, I’m doing these activities, I hope you have a good year. It’s a response, and it doesn’t address the issue, but it also doesn’t encourage anything further. It teaches DD to take the high road and not stir the pot.

Having said that the mom is crazy cakes. When are you next likely to see them? Randomly at Target or more than that maybe?

[akafred]

Honestly, at this point I would be direct and not worry about how it comes across. I would say, “Sorry, I moved DD to a new school so she could form new relationships, and I would really rather she focus on those, and DD agrees. Last year was hard for DD in many ways, so I think it would be best if we keep our eyes pointed forward.” Let the chips fall where they may.

[mommyatty]

You have my permission to be mean. I would probably say “As we have discussed before, the girls did not get along well when they were in class together. DD was bullied at school, to such an extent that we pulled her from the school early, at the advice of the school counselor. We are paying a lot of money to insulate DD from the kinds of experiences she was subjected to there, so at this time, we prefer not to engage in any communication with old “friends”. Please do not send more letters. I will not give them to DD. She needs time to heal and to move forward in her new community.”

I’m not a believer in bridge burning, but this time? It seems to be the best way to protect your DD from the villagers with pitchforks.

[shakinros]

Aug 22, 2018 11:51:59 GMT -5 mommyatty said:

You have my permission to be mean. I would probably say “As we have discussed before, the girls did not get along well when they were in class together. DD was bullied at school, to such an extent that we pulled her from the school early, at the advice of the school counselor. We are paying a lot of money to insulate DD from the kinds of experiences she was subjected to there, so at this time, we prefer not to engage in any communication with old “friends”. Please do not send more letters. I will not give them to DD. She needs time to heal and to move forward in her new community.”

I’m not a believer in bridge burning, but this time? It seems to be the best way to protect your DD from the villagers with pitchforks.

+1

[ECB]

Aug 22, 2018 11:03:14 GMT -5 akafred said:

Honestly, at this point I would be direct and not worry about how it comes across. I would say, “Sorry, I moved DD to a new school so she could form new relationships, and I would really rather she focus on those, and DD agrees. Last year was hard for DD in many ways, so I think it would be best if we keep our eyes pointed forward.” Let the chips fall where they may.

wait, is there history here that i missed? The DD moved schools? If so, then 100% this. Even what the poster after akafred said - i don’t think it’s mean. It’s direct. Not mean. And if after that the mom still wants to send a letter, then i would simply say “as said, we’re moving forward. I will not give her the letter nor will she respond”.

I do hope that maybe that girl has realized how her actions have led to this split. And maybe she feels bad and this is why shes trying so hard. BUT it’s not on the Ops DD to make this girl feel better. IF that’s even what’s going on.

[justcheckingin73]

I know you said you were pretty direct to the Mom about why you didn’t want to get the kids together but I’m wondering if the Mom received the message - did she say anything? Acknowledge that maybe her daughter wasn’t the best friend? I’m just wondering if she’s clueless and/or maybe that’s how her friendships work so it’s not unusual to her.

As much as I hate confrontation, I think ignoring her, especially if she doesn’t think her DD did anything wrong will just continue to haunt you. I might approach it lightly at first and reiterate what you said the first time...I’m not sure if we got our signals crossed but according to my DD, your DD wasn’t always kind to her and she needs her space. I agree with 2chatter that you might not want to burn a bridge but based on her reaction and if she keeps pushing for a play date , I would just say, I think it’s best that the girls are apart for now. And leave it at that.

[mae0111]

Thank you all. I honestly believe the mom doesn’t think there was an issue. I think that Frenemy is pushed around a bit (literally and figuratively) by other kids, and felt like DD1 was the kids she could push around. DD1 just took it for a long time. With separation and exposure to other kids, she has realized that true friendships aren’t that way.

I’m going to mull this over a bit more with all of your advice in mind. I’m waffling between ignoring and total honesty. I’m angry about the way she phrased the text, so I have to be careful about snapping back at her because of that.

We will likely not have any interaction with them until the spring. Frenemy and DD play softball in the same league. I usually coach, so I can control who is on the team. I just won’t pick Frenemy. Otherwise they don’t typically cross over in other activities.

[ECB]

In mulling this over and trying to keep in mind you are trying to Not snap, what about:

“I understand you’re trying to help you’re daughter. As such , i would hope that you could understand that I’m trying to help mine. She is doing what she needs to do for herself right now and i am supporting her in that. Do not send another letter. She won’t respond”.

[akafred]

Aug 22, 2018 12:33:47 GMT -5 ECB said:

Aug 22, 2018 11:03:14 GMT -5 akafred said:

Honestly, at this point I would be direct and not worry about how it comes across. I would say, “Sorry, I moved DD to a new school so she could form new relationships, and I would really rather she focus on those, and DD agrees. Last year was hard for DD in many ways, so I think it would be best if we keep our eyes pointed forward.” Let the chips fall where they may.

wait, is there history here that i missed? The DD moved schools? If so, then 100% this. Even what the poster after akafred said - i don’t think it’s mean. It’s direct. Not mean. And if after that the mom still wants to send a letter, then i would simply say “as said, we’re moving forward. I will not give her the letter nor will she respond”.

I do hope that maybe that girl has realized how her actions have led to this split. And maybe she feels bad and this is why shes trying so hard. BUT it’s not on the Ops DD to make this girl feel better. IF that’s even what’s going on.

Lots of history. The OP’s DD was in a school that really didn’t suit her and was being bullied both by kids and teaching staff. She is doing great in the new school so far.

[xctsclrx]

Maybe you should have sent the letter. This woman doesn't seem to get it. ( Although your DD when then become the bad guy) I am torn between not responding or being mean at this point.

Just tell the woman no. DD is not interested in a friendship with her at this time.

[sunbutter]

I would just ignore it. This Mom seems to have too much time on her hands.

[sdlaura]

I don’t think you need to be mean - just direct. Explain that her daughter wasn’t very nice to your daughter, so your daughter isn’t interested in getting together. And wish them luck again with the new school year.

[mae0111]

Ok so what do you think of this response? Too much? I feel the need to really spell things out as my previous attempts haven’t done the trick...

Honestly, Frenemy’s Mom, DD responded to her last letter, completely on her own. She thanked Frenemy for her letter, but said that she doesn’t want to see Frenemy. I didn’t think that mailing it would be kind. Things got a lot worse for DD at the end of the school year, and Frenemy contributed to it. I witnessed some of it. By the end of the year, DD had just had enough. She’s looking forward to her new school, and is like a totally different kid since being out of that environment. She’s not willing to revisit anything about last year. I hope Frenemy has a good year.

[phdmomma]

mae0111 , I think that is a reasonable and direct response. I would send it.

[mommyatty]

I think that response is great!

[akafred]

That sounds perfect!

[mae0111]

I sent it a couple of hours ago. No response. Hopefully we are all done now???

[waverly]

I hope so. I was afraid mom would write back wanting specifics and then act all defensive.

[ECB]

Great reply. Direct but not mean. Cna’t dictate how she’ll take it, but really- not your problem. You have to put your DD first.

[HeartofCheese]

Direct, kind, and helpful. I hope you either never hear from her again or get a thanks and never hear from them again.

[mustardseed2007]

I agree this was good. Good job.

It sounds like her daughter was bullied also so she may not be acknowledging her daughter's part in your DD being bullied. It is not uncommon for bullied kids to bully other kids that are weaker than them. Deflecting to protect themselves; taking out their feelings on those weaker than them.

It doesn't mean her daughter is a monster, she made bad choices ... but the fact that her daughter isn't a monster does not mean that your daughter needs to hang out with her.

[shakinros]

Please update if you hear anything else. I’m super invested!

[mae0111]

Aug 23, 2018 16:07:07 GMT -5 shakinros said:

Please update if you hear anything else. I’m super invested!

😂 It’s all so dramatic... nothing yet, but I don’t feel like it’s over... I feel like she will pop up again over the weekend.

[ECB]

Aug 23, 2018 18:07:58 GMT -5 mae0111 said:

Aug 23, 2018 16:07:07 GMT -5 shakinros said:

Please update if you hear anything else. I’m super invested!

😂 It’s all so dramatic... nothing yet, but I don’t feel like it’s over... I feel like she will pop up again over the weekend.

i feel that her lack of reponse means:

1- she’s pissed. She isn’t willing to acknowledge that her DD isn’t an angel.

Or

2- she’s embarrassed/reflecting on the truth here. I’d HOPE this is the reason. I’d hope she’s reflecting and working out how to help HER DD.

[mae0111]

ECB - I totally agree - one or the other. I honestly don’t know which. I think she knows her DD was wrong. But I don’t think she quite understands the impact she had on my DD.

For example, my DD would greet hers each morning. Just walk over and say, “Hi, Frenemy!” Sometimes Frenemy would engage and chat. Other days she would stare at DD, and turn her back on her to and talk to other kids.

Frenemy’s mom would tell my DD to “push her way in”. But honestly, if someone did that to me, I would be hurt and walk away. And that’s usually what DD did. I watched it happen over and over again.

There were lots of other instances like that. DD would sit with her at lunch, and sometimes she would get up and leave. DD asked to use her bat at softball, Frenemy told her no because “too many people use it”, then immediately loaned it to another teammate.

These kids are 8, by the way.

I already talked to the mom about some of this stuff. She cried. But it never got better. So I honestly have no idea if she thinks I’m out of line or not. And I may not ever find out. 🤷‍♀️