Playdates questions

[waverly]

TLDR:  How often do you have playdates? Kids are 5 and 8.

DS is 8 and besides hanging out with neighbors and his activities has only had 1 school playdate.  He did hang out as a whole family with another family multiple times and a few times with pre-school friends.  Nothing but birthday parties in K which were like every other week.  And first grade was cub scouts so hanging out with friends there and at sports and the 1 planned playdate- others were impromptu at events or at the pool.  I found it hard schedule wise to get together with people, so I resorted to going to community events and the pool and running into people we know there instead of putting in the work to schedule things.  Now I realize that the schedule thing was more a few families rather than everyone.  


DD is 5 and has had 5 playdates in Pre-school and is starting to get asked for K.  So it just seems I am making more of an effort for her than him.   Although it just worked out that these moms are more socially adept and available than DS's friend's mom.  


It also seems like DS wants them but doesn't really care, because he sees friends at his activities and seems to think that most boys are his friends and doesn't seem to need closer friends.


DD also counts a lot of kids as her friends, but it seems different like she lists her friends which I used to do.  Not necessarily a better thing.  But she counts more friends so maybe that is a more extrovert thing which I do think that part is good.  But she has already been asked for a new playdate for K.  


Is this just a different approach to friendship boys versus girls in some ways?  Should I try harder to foster close friendships for him?  I feel bad I have done so many for her and not many for him, but he does way more sport activities than she does, so maybe it evens out.  And maybe boys are more inclined to friends during things like sport activities?  Like the somewhat common saying that men make friends by doing things side by side, and woman make friends by talking?  








 

[186momx]

DD is 7 and in 2nd grade. We've had ZERO playdates with kids from school. We've gone to very few b-day parties more due to lack of invite vs schedule conflicts. We do what you do and DD tends to meet up with friends when at open gym or during b-day parties. We do playdate/dinner date with another family friend but those are whole family activities. We are running into the problem of her older friends we've had for years are all boys and all of a sudden they really don't want to hang out with DD so she is being excluded. She hasn't seemed to mind so far but I know it is going to hit her soon and don't have a good answer on why she can't play with them too.

[mustardseed2007]

DS has had 2 this school year. DD has had none. We don't do a lot of them in general.

[waverly]

I have one who asked for DD and one I asked for DS. Both I need to follow up with via text. We've been so busy with soccer and scouts though it is hard to find a good weekend. This weekend would work good for DD but not DS.

[shakinros]

I work on it really hard, TBH. DD is our only and has been the only child in the whole extended family until the last few months, so I feel like she really needs as much practice as she can get. She’s not into organized activities. As in, when we sign her up for them, she still does her own thing anyway. She’s 6.

With all that as context, we have 3-4 play dates per month. I try for at least one per weekend but it doesn’t always work out.

[mommyatty]

We don’t try much at all for either kid. But we do seem to do more things with DD’s friends. DS is very laid back and likes playing with DD’s friends. Also, I just like the parents of kids in DD’s class better, so there’s that.

My kids see their friends every flipping day. I don’t see a lot of added benefit to even more time together beyond activities and birthday parties. For me, play dates are more about me getting to know or fostering established relationships with other parents.

[waverly]

Yeah since I was 6 I had friend over or went over a friends house every weekend. But the families and siblings were friends so as the youngest child it was very easy for me. It was great for many years and then eventually all the friendships soured which makes me wonder if I should have been trying with more different people (more an extrovert) rather than such an introvert with 3 close friends all the time.

Don't get me wrong though the close friends were awesome, but I am not naturally as good at this as my extroverted friends who have had a lifetime of trying and reaching out. Because it was easy and organic for me as it is more so with younger kids anyway, I lack some of those skills at making friends that people have who had to try harder. I don't think I am socially awkward though, just not as good at crossing the bridge from acquaintance to friend.  And knowing when to branch out and get more friends and keep them (keep invites flowing) as opposed to drifting off on both sides.  

[waverly]

Oct 11, 2018 13:40:53 GMT -5 mommyatty said:

We don’t try much at all for either kid. But we do seem to do more things with DD’s friends. DS is very laid back and likes playing with DD’s friends. Also, I just like the parents of kids in DD’s class better, so there’s that.

My kids see their friends every flipping day. I don’t see a lot of added benefit to even more time together beyond activities and birthday parties. For me, play dates are more about me getting to know or fostering established relationships with other parents.

And that is honestly why I do them because I thought I needed more variety of friends.  My other friends are busy and can't hang out as often as we would like, so I tried to make new friends but when they switched classes those playdates dropped off.  So how to go from playdates to mom friends.  Or how to keep mom friends when kid friendships change....  And I know the mom friendships will change to, and I am accepting of it, but just keep it going with new mom friends.  Maybe I will find more in Girl Scouts.

My parents and DH's parents really had no friends they hung out with on weekends, so no role modeling for us.  WP- did your parents have friends?  Was that like an 80's thing to not have friends as parents?  

[186momx]

waverly, my parents didn't have friends. They hung out and talked with the other parents while we did sports and stuff but they really didn't ever have girls/boys night out. They still don't have friends. They have acquaintances and are friendly with the neighbors but no one they call up to go hang with. Which is why my mother needs to know every little tidbit about our lives.

[waverly]

My dad is a little strange, so he ended up driving his friends away. My parents eventually divorced.

My mom had "friends" as a girl scout leader, but never hung out with them separately from kid events. She didn't get real friends until she started school and went back to work. She has a few friends now as a retired person, but mostly hangs with my sister.

[sdlaura]

Pretty much never. Sometimes someone from school will schedule a big "playdate" - usually the whole class invited to a park on a weekend, and we'll go. We have a couple other families we've gotten to be friends with and sometimes we'll have them over to our house to swim or all meet up for dinner.

ETA - My parents had a lot of friends, and still do now as retired people.  DH's parents did not/do not.  So that's sometimes an issue between us - I always want to invite another family over for a casual dinner or something, and he would prefer that it's just us.  

[k3am]

DD (5.5) begs, begs, begs to play with her friends. Constantly. We have two friends from preschool she sees pretty regularly (usually drop offs), or we have our friends and their kids over (who are the same age and she's good friends with).

She is not content to play by herself, with frustrates me to no end. If she can't play with at least one other kid every single day, she has a fit.

DS is almost 2.5 - he could care less about playing with other kids. If DD has friends over, he tags along with them to the extent they'll let him and he's happy.

[mellym]

We haven't done any yet for our 6 year old. She hasn't really pushed for them because she saw her friends all day, every day at daycare and now she plays with them in After Care at school. We have 15+ neighbor girls on our cul de sac so she usually plays with them instead.

There is one friend that asks me every time I pick up when we're going to have a play date but I honestly haven't had the time (or made the time) to schedule one with her Mom.

ETA: My Dad is an extrovert and has tons of friends so he always wanted to be doing things. My mom is the complete opposite and didn't have any friends that she would hang out with. There was a lot of give and take growing up but we rarely had people over at our house. My mom only went to an event or party because my Dad wanted to go. The same is true today and why she can drive me crazy because she has no friends to do things with or talk to.

[abs]

DD is 7, almost 8. She’s been having play dates pretty regularly since she was 4. We have more play dates during the summer than the school year and those are also more structured like meet at the pool or trampoline park. During the school year they are more spur of the moment play for an hour after school things. Everyone is busy so it’s hard.

DD would have a play date daily. She’s an only child and gets lonely so I try hard to make time for her friends.

My parents were very social. They’d have friends over for dinner every weekend or we’d go to a friends house. The kids would all play. It was awesome! DH’s parents weren’t and aren’t social.

[traveltheworld]

DS and DD used to have more play dates when DS was in pre-school and kindergarten. Our nanny was really good at arranging them. But now with DS in school full day, I don't see how we can fit it in, unless we do it on the weekends. But most families seem very busy on the weekends, and we are too, so play dates have not happened.  Most of DS's class live within a 4 block radius of us, so I was hoping that the kids would just all play together after school, on the streets, etc., but that hasn't happened either.  Maybe when they are a bit older they can go to each other's houses more often?

We do get together with different friends once or twice a month and the kids all play together.

[freezorburn]

I’ve worked pretty hard to get some regular play dates going for DS. we have invited friends and classmates to join his at-home therapy sessions so that he can work on small group social skills. That tends to be pretty structured since the therapist is facilitating.

Working on getting 1-2 unstructured play dates going on weekends, maybe something where we host another family for dinner and the kids can get some playtime. Sounds fun and relaxing but my ulterior motive is to also get DS to work on table manners and appropriate dinner conversation skills, which is tough most of the time because it’s usually just the two of us. And he usually just wants to decompress and not talk to me.

[ilovelucyvv]

I've never been good about this sort of thing. Our lifestyle is so hectic, its hard for me to want to make time for something else. I did meet my childhood best friend in Kinder so I do have some motivation if DD finds someone she really gets along well with.

[mommyatty]

When I was little, like from birth to age 7, my parents had one couple they were very close with. Both families had an older boy and then a long pause followed by a girl. Their daughter and I were a week apart in age. We saw them every weekend, spent some holidays together (like Easter, Halloween), and took vacations together. Then they had a big falling out, and poof they were gone. Not too long after we moved out of state. That loss was devastating to me. It was like losing a part of our family.

After we moved, my mom would make short-lived friendships with women who were involved in my activities. My dad was really shy and travelled a lot for work. He had work friends, but not really purely social friends.

I would like to have close friends with kids around the ages of mine, but I don’t really push it. It’s good enough that I know the parents well enough to socialize st birthday parties and school events.

[waverly]

Thanks everyone. It seems we have a mix from zero to lots of playdates. To hanging out as whole families to just neighborhood kids (easy unplanned/ structured) play dates.

Our neighborhood has more older kids. So while we do hang out with them it's not super frequent like maybe 6 times a year. So I guess it makes sense then since we don't have the neighborhood gaggle to invite more kids over.

It looks like people are not making an effort to make it even between the kids, so I will try not to worry too much about that. I guess it evens out if he has more structured activities and she has more playdates because she has only been in soccer so far.

I'll try for 1 a month. With family visiting, traveling and scouts/ soccer it would be hard to do more. I might try for 2 a month when the activities die down.

ETA- it is also my turn to host a neighborhood get together, so that will be added to the list as well.  

[2chatter]

waverly - we do a lot before/after sports and activities. It’s easy and organic. Like, we will take soccer friends out to lunch after a game and hit the playground then drop them home. We also have parents drop her an hour before practice, then I drop at practice. It doesn’t feel like a net “additional activity”.

Just something to consider!

[waverly]

2chatter, I think we are slowly working up to that where we start transporting other kids and vice versa. We haven't yet because it's been more SAHM's that do it. Parents have tended to be more over protective, wanting structured activities or doing things as a whole family. But I think as the kids get older and parents keep getting to know each other in both grades, we will keep going in that direction.

[waverly]

Ok another question. In pre-school and K for DD the parents have texted indicating more of a drop off playdate. In the first one we did I told the mom, I was coming too. She gave me a home tour I guess to make me comfortable and then we talked, and it was good. And we added another girl and her mom later and everyone always stayed because they were in pre-school young 5's.

Now the new kid that I never met and parents I never met want her to come over and be dropped off. I am not really comfortable with this. It's just weird that none of DS's friends who are 7/8 want to do drop off, but now with a 4,5 year old they are all expecting drop off. I am sure it is with the individual parent, but what are your community norms?

Community norms here seemed to be stay for B-day parties in K and drop off for birthday parties in 1st. But nothing really for dropping at home for a playdate. I don't think I am comfortable just dropping her off anywhere at 5 when I've never met the parents or child. I suppose I could stay for 20 min, leave for 20 and come back and stay for 20 more which is what a mom did but with her 7 year old. She knew me though. Why is this so hard?

Or maybe stay for 1 hour only.  She said her or her husband would be home, so she seemed to be discouraging staying.  

ETA- something like this. "It's OK at your house. I think I will stay, if that is OK since I haven't met you all yet?  How about 2 pm?" 

Something like that.  DS's friends mom is looking better lol.

[waverly]

FWIW, we live in a smallish community but each grade has 6 classes so there are a lot of parents to get to know.

[waverly]

Nevermind she texted she meant for me to stay- I am relieved.

[mommyatty]

As far as I can tell, parents here stay for everything virtually always. Or until the kids reach BFF status where they hand out with very little supervision. Part of it is we are all spread out. Part is that the parents are just really social. And play dates and kid parties pretty much all include wine and beer unless the venue doesn’t allow it. At someone’s house? Wine is guaranteed. If they come to your house? They are bringing wine. It’s fairly awesome.

[sdlaura]

waverly, now that DD is in first grade, we seem to have entered the drop off play date phase. DD went to a drop off bday party last week and was invited to a drop off play date (the mom will walk the kids to their house after school) for next week.

Maybe some of it is kid specific? My DD is (for whatever reason) someone that other kids and parents want to invite over. And because we work and many of the other parents are home, they offer to do it without us there. My DS1 is not someone, at this point, that people particularly want to invite over

So far everyone whose house she’s gone to is a family that I’ve seem everyday at drop off and am friends with on Facebook. I texted the mom of the drop off bday party about whether there were any guns in the home and will do the same for the play date next week. That Dad is a well respected pastor in the community so that makes me feel better about it.

[waverly]

Oct 12, 2018 13:52:07 GMT -5 mommyatty said:

As far as I can tell, parents here stay for everything virtually always. Or until the kids reach BFF status where they hand out with very little supervision. Part of it is we are all spread out. Part is that the parents are just really social. And play dates and kid parties pretty much all include wine and beer unless the venue doesn’t allow it. At someone’s house? Wine is guaranteed. If they come to your house? They are bringing wine. It’s fairly awesome.

I want to live there! No wine at playdates ever here.  

[waverly]

sdlaura, I can see the kid specific thing. DD is adorable and well behaved. DS is typical all over, touching everything boy. Pretty well behaved overall, but still. Also I can see why we didn't get an invite back from his friend because she already has 3 boys, does she really want more over her house? Probably not....

[shakinros]

Also have never had wine at a play date. A+ idea though!

We did drop off last year in K, but only with two families that we know decently well. We had a little boy over at the end of the year that was dropoff but A) it was only an hour and B) I’d talked to his mom at umpteen million birthday parties. And she was a hundred weeks pregnant so prob just needed a quiet break.

Having a play date this weekend with a new first grade friend. I invited child over. Other mom countered with “how about a playground?” Totally fine with me given that I don’t know this family at all and they don’t know us.

[k3am]

We have a handful of kids we do drop off play dates with for DD and her friends (5.5, starting at early 5) and they’re the best.

And if I have to stick around to hang out, wine is always very, very nice.