Sometimes I feel like a lot of this stuff is a case of who’s on first and Misunderstanding.. People are scared to ask for what they want and then they make assumptions and it leads to ambiguity and hurt feelings of passive aggressiveness.
How many times do I see On here that their in-laws or parents are annoying and call too much. So the Grandparents think ohhh the kids are busy, they’ll call us when they have time, we won’t intrude and the parents are thinking the last thing we have time to think about is calling you.
This is a good point, but when cville has specifically said in the past, "We're available for a chat at XYZ time," then this "reason" kind of falls apart.
My MIL never, ever calls, except to tell DH someone died. Not even on his birthday. And when he's talked to her about it, she says, "I just figure you're busy and I don't want to bother you," and he says, "MOM, JUST CALL. If I'm busy, I won't answer, or I'll answer and tell you I need to call you back." And she says, "Oh okay." And then continues to never call. It's maddening.
Aren't these the same in-laws who were all set to be your neighbors? They got your kids all excited and then ditched you to move closer to SIL? Yeah, eff them. I would not be going out of my way for them.
They are awful and miserable people. Unfortunately I agree with those who said the calls will probably need to come from your house if they are going to happen. But your husband should be the one initiating them and managing this.
You shouldn't have to deal with this. He shouldn't either because it shouldn't be an issue - but his parents, his problem to fix. Ugh.
Aren't these the same in-laws who were all set to be your neighbors? They got your kids all excited and then ditched you to move closer to SIL? Yeah, eff them. I would not be going out of my way for them.
Yup. They lived about a mile away for about 8 months. After 18 months of consternation and demands and at least 1 attempt to buy a house on our street.
Eta: they moved a couple months after my SIL announced she was pregnant with her first. I was especially salty after that because when they moved here they SPECIFICALLY stated they WOULD NOT watch my son full time (he was about 18 months) because it was too much work (we didn't ask, they told us preemptively). And they have had both of SIL's kids since birth. Like, ouch.
I'm sorry. This is super shitty of them and especially now that your kids are old enough to understand. I would echo PPs in waiting a bit and then responding with times that you are free to call. I wouldn't tell the kids though in case they flake again.
*I'm speaking from experience from my kids hurting when my mom says she will call/send something/visit and then doesn't. It was not a big deal the first 3 years, but they are 7 and not dumb now. She did finally come visit for 2 days in June and said no less than 10 times that she was here because my brother told her she should visit her grandkids because they are going to be teenagers soon and not have time for her. After the 4th time, I told her she didn't have to do anything she didn't actually want to do and to not say that in front of the boys.
H has a weekly call with his parents. It has been this way since he went to college and has remained. i think, when living apart, it makes it easier. They call him and if things need to be moved, he lets them know.
I think this something your h needs to work out with his parents. i am sorry that his parents continue to act like complete idiots when it comes to their own grandchildren and I feel you on the talking about SIL's kids all the time. I right there with you.
Aren't these the same in-laws who were all set to be your neighbors? They got your kids all excited and then ditched you to move closer to SIL? Yeah, eff them. I would not be going out of my way for them.
Yup. They lived about a mile away for about 8 months. After 18 months of consternation and demands and at least 1 attempt to buy a house on our street.
You are so completely justified and not even close to BEC.
This is super irritating. My ILs are extremely similar, they live a few hours away but never make an effort to visit DS, dont call, facetime whatever. But MIL is always complaining to H about how she never sees DS. Yeah, well, come visit him?
Team you, definitely not BEC. This is a really shitty situation.
They sound extremely shitty. You are very understandingly hurt. My in-laws pull the same shit. I went through stages: 1. Bending over backwards to accommodate, 2. Letting H deal with them, 3. Putting in minimal effort myself and finally, 4. Not giving one single damn.
It sounds like you are somewhere on this journey. You are entitled to your feelings, whatever they are. I used to feel bad that my kids would miss out because I couldn’t be the bigger person and just put in the effort but I decided fuck that noise. If my kids are missing out it’s because their grandparents can’t get it together, not me. I’m not taking the ownership and blame, especially for my H’s family. I have enough to deal with on my side.
So call them, don’t, schedule a time, make your H do it....it doesn’t matter. They suck and it isn’t your issue to fix. Have a drink and have fun with your kids!
H has a weekly call with his parents. It has been this way since he went to college and has remained. i think, when living apart, it makes it easier. They call him and if things need to be moved, he lets them know.
I think this something your h needs to work out with his parents. i am sorry that his parents continue to act like complete idiots when it comes to their own grandchildren and I feel you on the talking about SIL's kids all the time. I right there with you.
hugs
My brother had the same setup with my parents, and it continued after he got married. My parents got us both iPads one year so that we could FaceTime instead of call. When they had a baby, the calls dropped off/stopped entirely (we do all text and my SIL sends Snapchats of the baby, but it’s not the same). My mom asked recently if they could try and have more regular calls again- she did ask my bro/his wife to call them, but I think it was more because she wanted to give them flexibility/be respectful of their schedules, not because she was trying to add to their already long/busy schedule. But reading this thread I can see how maybe they see it as JUST ONE MORE THING.
cville shitty ILs suck no matter how you spin in. My DS doesn’t really even know my xILs at this point, and it stings. It’s also just do completely foreign to me, I cannot wrap my brain around it.
My mom will sometimes make some comment about how we haven't talked in a few days and I usually reply, "Oh man, what's been going on with your phone that it can't make calls?" because she always just waits for me to call her.
My mom is exactly the same way. I've actually been deliberately not calling lately to see how long it will take her. So far it has been three weeks.
Ugh. My mom used to do this shit to me. It’s a test that they don’t know they are taking and so will ultimately fail. It serves no good purpose and only frustrates you in the end.
And I get it, my dad never calls me but gets all but hurt because I don’t call him. Parents are annoying but so is the ‘wait and see how long it takes them to call me’
fivechickens, it's really not that serious for me. I know who my mom is and how she behaves so it isn't suprising. But I'm 40 and honestly, I just don't put all the effort in anymore. TR's post just reminded me that I haven't been making the effort and it's notable that we haven't talked in that long.
Post by fivechickens on Oct 18, 2019 10:27:45 GMT -5
Wait. So we can’t expect our parents to change their annoying behavior but we should change to accommodate them?
No.
If they want a relationship they can make the damn effort to have a relationship with their grandkids. If they aren’t willing to make that effort/change their annoying victim act behavior then they lose out. cville should not have to go out of her way to accommodate them.
This makes me salty.
(Also, this isn’t at all directed at you circa1978)
cville, your in laws suck, full stop. You may be at BEC stage with them, but regardless they are being really fucking irritating and any sane person would understand this.
I am sorry you are in this position.
I grew up with a standing 9 am call every Saturday when my grandparents would call and talk to all of us. I LOVED it. Now we are living in the future (lol) and our kid video chats with both sets of his grandparents multiple times a week--and we live within 15 miles of both of them (and see them usually at least once a week). I would be really hurt if my in laws, or my parents, did not put in any effort to call or be involved.
Post by mrsukyankee on Oct 18, 2019 11:43:09 GMT -5
I vote irritating. They have fingers to dial. They don't care enough to do so. Their issue, not yours. Hope you can figure out a plan that works for you and your family.
They probably ARE in BEC territory with you but I also think it stings because it seems they are just paying lip service talking about wanting to chat with your kids but don't actually care enough to make that happen. And you want your kids to be actively loved and adored by their grandparents.
You can't make them, which you know, and it sucks, especially when you see how far out of their way they are willing to go for their other grandchildren. And why should you have to chase after them to get them to show even 1/10 of that love to your kids?
Personally, right or wrong, I'd step out of it and make it my DH's deal to handle. All of it. Pictures, communication, etc. You deal with your family, he deals with his. I had some different issues with my ILs and that's what I've done. I'm not saying it's the best or most mature approach but it also saves me a lot of stress and aggravation to just let that go.
just chiming in that my grandmother just posted something on FB like a dear prudence type thing about elder population and being lonely and nobody calling and I commented back "is there something wrong with the phone that it doesn't call out?"
This thread had me wanting to call them on my lunch and then I saw that and am now second guessing myself
I'm going to delete. I know the post belongs to the board once it's posted and that's the risk anyone takes, but I truly was looking for a gut check on whether the behavior was annoying. Not advice on how to respond or to have my husband respond. Or to be called obtuse. I do appreciate people taking the time to respond. I know it was well intended and thoughtful.
So I'm in my feelings. I'm still annoyed. I don't even care if anyone else thinks it's a legit annoyance anymore. I'm just going to be annoyed and hurt. Then I'm going to get over it and carry out our family's plan.
My MIL has been BEC with me for like 20 years; my general feelings toward her evolved from constant hurt and agitation to a reasonable level of indifferent annoyance. I allowed all those feelings but that bitch didn’t affect me anymore. Then I had a kid and I had to reprocess allll the shit. I can only imagine what that feels like in my H’s head 😬 Anyway, you do you. Obtuse is not a word I would ever throw around where you’re concerned lol.
Post by Leeham Rimes on Oct 18, 2019 13:18:16 GMT -5
I missed the OP but from what I can gather from comments, it sounds like what my mom does: she laments ever seeing the kids but never ever ever puts forth any effort into seeing them. She chooses not to. and that’s fine. But she likes to put the burden on me and she can fuck right out the door with that shit.
if she wants to be “the best grandma ever”, she can do the fucking work, not whine that I won’t spoon feed her how to be a grandma.
She knows the boys play soccer every Sunday. She never calls for times. I’ve tried to set up plans with her and she’s always busy with vacations and her friends. Also fine but I told her once a few years ago; you tell me the time and date and I’ll make it happen. She rarely ever does.
They saw her once since June.
So anyone who wants to think OP needs to do the work for these people, they can also fuck right out the door. Bc no.
Last Edit: Oct 18, 2019 13:19:12 GMT -5 by Leeham Rimes
I need ham like water Like breath, like rain I need ham like mercy From Heaven's gate Sometimes ham salad or casserole or ham that’s free range, all natural I need ham
Wait. So we can’t expect our parents to change their annoying behavior but we should change to accommodate them?
I don't think anyone is suggesting the cville's change for the IL's sake.
*If* they decide to initiate calls it would be entirely for the kids. Parenting involves plenty of dealing with crap for the sake of your kids. In this case, an undeserving third party would benefit but it wouldn't be for them.
I know when my own brother has kids I will have to find ways to disguise my mother's blatant preference for them from my own kids. (Everything he touches is gold to her). I won't do it for her. I'll do it because my kids shouldn't feel sad about being passed over by someone they love. It won't be their fault, but kids internalize these things.
Post by fivechickens on Oct 18, 2019 13:40:46 GMT -5
I mean, sure, it can be spun however you want but at the end of the day I am not going to bend over backwards for a grown adult that can’t be bothered to do the same for the for my kids. Fuck that my kids deserve better from their own grandparents.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to invalidate your feelings cville , and I didn't know the backstory of how they favor the other family. I would have only made DH do a very rare phone call for the sake of the kids- if that didn't work then I would have stopped.
I won't get too much into it, but I do understand as I have a MIL who is very intentional about getting offended- it must be something she likes to do (and I stopped calling her as result). And a mom who favors my sister and her kids, and likes to rudely tell me the stuff she won't do for us pre-emptively; we didn't ask and weren't planning to.
In scenarios like this, I like to imagine the passive-aggressive grandparent is complaining on a message board for passive-aggressive grandparents that their latest text dig didn’t get the reaction or attention they were looking for.
That’s an irritating response you got. You have my permission to be annoyed and hold her feet to the fire about calling and *keeping* those scheduled calls on time.
This is exactly it. I will say the unsayable which is that I do think a lot of time Inlaw’s get a bad rap (and that includes my own, although I also have valid reasons they have annoyed me too lol). I see posts on here about “my mil buys my kids too much crap” and then “my mil gives more to my bil’s” kids than mine.” I feel like there are a lot of inherent feelings of not wanting to step on a dil’s toes and also a dil who doesn’t want to (and shouldn’t have to be) the “aggressor” when there an issue and maybe a son who either doesn’t see or isn’t as bothered by what the dil is seeing. It sounds like cville’s have a history there, but I stand by sometimes having to make the first move and then standing up for yourself and your kids if you/they aren’t treated the way they should be. Tell them what you expect from the relationship and leave it up to them to succeed or fail.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to invalidate your feelings cville , and I didn't know the backstory of how they favor the other family. I would have only made DH do a very rare phone call for the sake of the kids- if that didn't work then I would have stopped.
I commented back "is there something wrong with the phone that it doesn't call out?"
My mom used to bitch and moan about how we didn't visit enough (they live a 9 hour drive away) and it got toned down a lot when I said the roads work in both directions. This was before all their current health issues, but they've visited me in WA about 5 times in 16 years (I think my dad only twice, my mom came alone the other times). But then they want us to come down for Christmas, summer camping on the Oregon Coast, anniversary parties, baby showers, and on an on.
And they've never visited my brother in Colorado.
If they don't want to make the effort/trip that's fine, but they also need to STFU and lay off the guilt trips. (Applicable to all parents, grandparents, siblings, in-laws, and others who want the all the benefits and none of the work.)
I commented back "is there something wrong with the phone that it doesn't call out?"
My mom used to bitch and moan about how we didn't visit enough (they live a 9 hour drive away) and it got toned down a lot when I said the roads work in both directions. This was before all their current health issues, but they've visited me in WA about 5 times in 16 years (I think my dad only twice, my mom came alone the other times). But then they want us to come down for Christmas, summer camping on the Oregon Coast, anniversary parties, baby showers, and on an on.
And they've never visited my brother in Colorado.
If they don't want to make the effort/trip that's fine, but they also need to STFU and lay off the guilt trips. (Applicable to all parents, grandparents, siblings, in-laws, and others who want the all the benefits and none of the work.)
I will say when I called my grandmother on lunch and mentioned that, I floated the idea of taking turns to call and she agreed that it was a good idea