DS, who has had tics for more than a year, seems to be kind of growing out of them. We hadn’t seen many at all until yesterday at the school Halloween festival. He had one really intense flurry of tics that lasted about 3-4 minutes, then it passed. Also, he’s reading level B books and doing really well. We have our parent-teacher conferences next Friday, so here’s hoping his teacher has good things to say.
Also, both kids are LOVING tae kwon do. I wish I had signed them up last year. DD, however, is a little too confident in her ability to defend herself. She’s ready to throw down with any bigger kid who is picking on smaller kids. She’s 7 and weighs 64 lbs. Last week she put up her dukes and started to kick a 12 year old boy in the crotch for being mean to her brother and another kindergarten kid. I had to haul her skinny butt away from the fight.
I keep laughing to myself that my senior leadership meetings revolve around "what do millennials want" and trying to understand perks like student loan reimbursement and whether or not that's actually that big a deal for people. Everyone keeps trying to bring up all these studies and webinars and research. And I'm there like "Hey! Would you like my thoughts, as, you know, an actual millennial with mountains of student loan debt? I'm sitting right here..."
School update: DD's teacher now has a facilitating teacher each day so between 9-11am the class is split into two groups in two classrooms. So her teacher just deals with the almost 40 kids on her own in the afternoon. Spelling: we spelled out words in my zen garden yesterday and used stencil letters to spell out words which she enjoyed a lot. Then DH ruined it by being a jackass when I asked him to help her. The night ended with her crying over spelling because DH was making her feel stupid saying she got them all wrong when she only got 2 wrong and he wanted her to write every word 10 times. I intervened then, argh. Gymnastics: DD is really frustrated and is dealing with some big feelings of being left out and ignored. Coach J isn't helping the situation but I don't know what to do as we have told her a few times how much DD doesn't like being pushed into a corner to work alone.
PTO seems to have calmed down. DD says my popcorn signs have gotten a lot of attention since they were put up on Tuesday which makes me feel good.
Post by supertrooper1 on Oct 24, 2019 12:45:26 GMT -5
STBXH finally decided to use the Talking Parents app to communicate after my attorney suggested it months ago when his attorney complained about communication or lack thereof. He keeps going back and forth between trying to make me look like a bad parent to sending me pics of DS's art and other little things. I have a feeling that he's going to try to use it against me if I don't send him pics in return of every little thing. I'm ready for the divorce to be final but the parenting plan and money decisions are still dragging on.
Beau has a work dinner tonight at a hotel a couple hours away. He wasn't going to go because he didn't want to give up our last night together for a week. (Side note: temporary parenting plan says I can't introduce beau to DS until we've been dating for 4.5 months. That will be Veteran's day, so it's been a week on/week off with our relationship). I took a few hours off today and tomorrow so I could go with him. I'll hang out at the hotel while he's at the dinner and then we'll spend the night. I'm excited for our time together and to extend my weekend.
supertrooper1, I'm in the same boat with timing. We both have 50/50 split, but our weeknights off don't line up. Thankfully our weekends off line up perfectly so we just make it work for now. After the holidays beau is going to switch his weeknights so we align, but our schedules are all over the place until then so it doesn't make sense to change it now. In the meantime we've talked about hanging out with each other after kids are in bed. I could go to his place or he could come to mine for a few hours in the evening. It's so tough to figure out how and when to incorporate the kids into the mix.
School stuff - no real changes. Principal never actually called me back, so I had to call her, and she returned my call. She apologized for not calling and shared that she’s been spending all of her time dealing with another “court case” (WTF OVERSHARING). She said that she spoke to the kid and her mom, and that she was also going to speak to the kid’s therapist (OMG WTF OVERSHARING!!!) to get some pointers about how to better deal with these issues as a group (WTF YOU’RE THE PRINCIPAL).
I’m feeling pretty terrible about all of it. Principal knows DD1 is in therapy and had neuropsych testing, so now I’m wondering who else knows.
I am thinking hard about going back to work. I’m very unhappy with my life right now. I just met an old colleague for lunch, and she really helped me put some framework around my thoughts. I’m needed at home, but I need to get out. I have to figure out how to make it work.
Post by supertrooper1 on Oct 24, 2019 13:34:19 GMT -5
twinmomma, We've hung out after DS has gone to bed once or twice. But we both worry about DS waking up or being quiet enough. It is difficult for timing. I would have introduced him a month ago if it hadn't been for the parenting plan.
My youngest had his tonsils and adenoids out at the start of the month and we’ve noticed major positive behavior changes at home in the past couple weeks. Still not perfect, but so much different than before. I hope it translates into better behavior at school too. It kind of seems to be, I think it will all take some time, but initial results are promising!
My oldest is back on track at school and finally turning in work and getting A’s. She’s still phone grounded because her science and math grades are still too low because the teachers aren’t grading anything. We are both frustrated that they aren’t grading things so we can see the grade improvement. I wonder how long is reasonable for a teacher to not put in grades? Like she turned in 2 math assignments and took a test last Friday and nothing has been graded yet. And she turned in a couple science assignments and took a test also last Friday and only 1 has been graded. These assignments will essentially determine if her phone grounding is over and frankly I’d like to celebrate her success, but they are making that impossible!
mae0111- I’m glad you’re thinking about going back to work. If I’m remembering, part of your thought process when quitting was that DD1 was acting out because of a lack of attention. I think your experiment has disproved that hypothesis. And my God. You need and deserve something that is yours and yours alone.
Sigh. Just got a message from DS’s teacher that 1) he has a hard time using his headphones with the iPad, and 2) he consistently doesn’t put them in their cubby. So today she didn’t let him have them because yesterday he didn’t put them away even after other kids reminded him. So he cried and refused to do any other activities during what should have been his computer time. He loves his iPad time at school. So I’m sure today was a terrible day for him. Poor kid. As soon as I feel like things are going well, something else shitty happens.
Now I’m back to dreading his conference next Friday.
mae0111, you're passionate about your field and in this area, I feel like there are so many options for you to find a job that would make sense for you and your family. If I hear of anything, I'll keep you posted!
I just spoke to DD1 and the kid hit her repeatedly today with a rolled up poster. It was to the point where other kids stepped in and told her to stop. Last week, she hit DD up for money for the snack cart, and then shamed her to the other kids (who don't know what's going on) when DD said no.This kid was the most popular kid in the class. Super friendly, kind, nice... and it sounds like no one can deal with her right now.
If this stuff was happening in a vacuum, I'd tell DD1 to be kind and help her friend through whatever is happening, but remind her in a loud voice not to touch her. But this is just ridiculous.
mommyatty, I'm sorry. Hopefully this will be the thing he needs to remind him about his iPad. Other stuff may fall, but if this is his very favorite thing, hopefully he'll remember now.
twinmomma, thank you! I've got a few ideas about what to do next, but it's all so daunting.
mae0111, I remember your hypothesis as well. It's been tested, I think that you should go back to work and see other folks. The nice thing I think about being a working parent is that I am typically not sucking in all of my roles at the same time. So if work is bad typically home is okay, or vice versa. It helps me put things in perspective when at least one thing is going well.
@mrsgreeko, Grading and giving quality feedback takes a lot of time. I typically do it at night after my kids are asleep. That's a lot of assignments that the teacher has to go through time how many he or she has of that assignment. Your DD could always ask the teacher how the grading is going and when she might receive some information back.
mae0111 I would echo the PPs. You’ve said that your DD’s behavior is better with other people than with you - so I would go back to work and let her spend some more time with other people - in large part for your own sanity
I and my working mom friends always tend to jump to mom working as a contributing factor to any kid behavior problem - and I have to remind myself that it’s likely not a factor in most cases.
mae0111, I remember your hypothesis as well. It's been tested, I think that you should go back to work and see other folks. The nice thing I think about being a working parent is that I am typically not sucking in all of my roles at the same time. So if work is bad typically home is okay, or vice versa. It helps me put things in perspective when at least one thing is going well.
@mrsgreeko, Grading and giving quality feedback takes a lot of time. I typically do it at night after my kids are asleep. That's a lot of assignments that the teacher has to go through time how many he or she has of that assignment. Your DD could always ask the teacher how the grading is going and when she might receive some information back.
I know it takes a long time to grade everything. The math teacher is frustrating me because there are only 42 points in the system so far and it’s already Oct. most were 1-2 point things, but then there was a 17 point thing that my DD turned in a couple days late (totally my kid’s fault), but not having those 17 points gives her an F. I’m just frustrated that it seems like they either haven’t done anything in the past 2 months or the teacher hasn’t graded anything. The first test was this past Friday 2 months in and I just feel like they should have had another test or quiz or something else in there. I mean 2 months!!
My kid actually has asked the teachers about when grades might be done and only the science teacher responded which is furthering my irritation with the math teacher.
mae0111, I agree I think going back to work will do wonders for you. Have you talked about switching schools? It sounds like the current admin/staff need more than just a privacy class they need a privacy overhaul.
@mrsgreeko,I would give your DD's teachers some time. My sister teachers part time health at the high school level and she says grading takes time but also the entering into the online system takes time. Do they have progress reports soon? I know last weekend and earlier this week she has been in a rush because they have conference today and tomorrow and a ton of kids dumped back work on her so their grades can improve before conferences.
mae0111, I agree I think going back to work will do wonders for you. Have you talked about switching schools? It sounds like the current admin/staff need more than just a privacy class they need a privacy overhaul.
@mrsgreeko,I would give your DD's teachers some time. My sister teachers part time health at the high school level and she says grading takes time but also the entering into the online system takes time. Do they have progress reports soon? I know last weekend and earlier this week she has been in a rush because they have conference today and tomorrow and a ton of kids dumped back work on her so their grades can improve before conferences.
They had conferences a couple weeks ago so no more progress reports until the end of the semester. I really do understand it takes time. I just would really like to know for sure the kid is turning all her stuff in. It’s frustrating when they don’t put any grades in for months and then do it all at once and there’s missing assignments from 3,4,5 weeks ago that she didn’t know were missing and then it’s too late to do anything about them. I’m frustrated with my kid also in this situation, it’s all around frustrating. I am just trying to help her set herself up for success for high school next year, but not having feedback for weeks or months is making it difficult to know what she needs to change.
Thanks ladies - you are all right. I needed to leave my last job. If I had been working there, or moved elsewhere in my old industry, I would never have been able to focus on the issues DD did have. It just wasn’t conducive to having any sort of life outside of work.
I think that’s what I’ve been so afraid of re: going back. That, and DH’s total inability to handle anything kid-related right now and for the foreseeable future. Not being snarky - it’s just how life is right now. Going back means it will still be all on me, all while I’m trying to adjust to a new job.
Post by traveltheworld on Oct 24, 2019 16:55:48 GMT -5
mae0111 , echoing everyone else - I think you should go back to work. You enjoy what you do, and it'll help your DD see you in a different light. One of the things I enjoy most about working is that I get to show my kids what I do, and prove that if you work hard, you can achieve great things. Since my kids are only 7 and 4, their understanding of what I do is simply "mommy helps her company buy things" - but I know DS still gets a kick out of it whenever I show him the assets I helped acquire whenever we travel.
mae0111 , I know I've said it a ton of times in different contexts, but when I switched jobs years ago, I thought I would lose a lot of flexibility I needed for handling all of DD's medical issues. And it turns out, I ended up not just with more flexibility, but more support in general for handling everything. I wish I hadn't let my fear of losing flexibility hold me back. The work place is evolving, and like twinmomma mentioned above, a lot of companies are bending over backwards to try to accomodate/entice/retain millennials - and one of the biggest parts of that is providing flexible work solutions to employees.
mae0111 , I know I've said it a ton of times in different contexts, but when I switched jobs years ago, I thought I would lose a lot of flexibility I needed for handling all of DD's medical issues. And it turns out, I ended up not just with more flexibility, but more support in general for handling everything. I wish I hadn't let my fear of losing flexibility hold me back. The work place is evolving, and like twinmomma mentioned above, a lot of companies are bending over backwards to try to accomodate/entice/retain millennials - and one of the biggest parts of that is providing flexible work solutions to employees.
This is so true. I’ve been at a very formal, uptight, no flexibility company for ten years and yet it is now and less-formal, still kind of uptight, really quite flexible company. Workplaces are evolving for sure!
Thank you all for the encouragement. I know for sure that my family can’t take me adding in a 1 hr commute, each way, for any part of the week... so that rules out jobs in the city. I’m going to be very methodical about finding the right job... not just *a* job.
Post by librarychica on Oct 24, 2019 17:58:05 GMT -5
The only TWERK I have is that DD1 is adjusting okay to all the turmoil in her class. No permanent teacher yet but one of the other teachers has mostly taken over and is shepherding them along.
My third child (4) is a Strong Willed Child. I haven’t gone into a whole lot of detail here, but he is very difficult. He is nothing like the older kids were. I’ listening to The New strong Willed child audiobook and really like it so far.
Now that H is gone until next month I am realizing how much we needed each other if nothing else...to get a break. I can’t go to the gym bc the childcare comes to get me to say he hit another child. My parents have a hard time physically with him. All the babysitters who are skilled enough have moved on to real jobs. Whenever he is at daycare he is hitting or kicking or throwing things daily.
I used to be able to get away for a run, or a bridal shower, or a haircut, or a happy hour without guilt when he was with my husband. Now I can’t do any of those things bc I just worry about him acting out with whoever he is with.
It’s been a lot. He ran away from me in a parking lot yesterday and I’m pretty shaken, still. God was with us, that a car didn’t pull into that aisle. He was steps ahead of me but I couldn’t grab him until he was across the aisle onto a curb.
campermom - no advice, but I hear you. My DD1 became difficult later, but she’s been holding strong to her title for several years now.
The school stuff over past few weeks have exacerbated her defiance. DH and I had our old nanny here last weekend while we were away, and she is one of the only people that can handle DD1 when she melts down - she’s much better than I am. I thought I would be better equipped to handle her after a break. I was wrong.
Now DH is away until Sunday, then back on the road Monday morning. I had the worst night I’ve ever had with her tonight. She truly believes that I am targeting her when I catch her teasing her sister and ask her to stop, or tell her to take a shower, or pack her backpack. Every day is so exhausting. Tonight I sent her to her room because she was being really defiant and backtalking a ton. She told me she was “tired of getting crapped on by everyone in the family”. And I. Lost. My. Shit.
I didn’t mean to hijack. I wish I had better advice for you, or lived closer and I would totally introduce you to my old nanny who, while quirky, can handle ANYONE. Could you try sittercity or care.com? You need to plan some breaks for yourself.
We had a software roll out at work last week that went terribly and my clients are still calling daily to complain. Our customer support folks are the absolute worst.
My coworker that I rely on more than anything is having a recurrence of cancer and starting treatment this week. She is struggling and very emotional (rightfully so) and it’s been a challenge because her work ethic/pride is so strong she doesn’t want to accept help. (She also is irrationally afraid we won’t need her anymore. Which is SO FAR from the truth! We can make due without her - and have - but we aren’t doing things the way they’d should be and we miss a lot.) I am hesitant because I’m not sure how to reassure her without coming across wrong.
DH and DD are sick. I’ve been lucky enough to have it pass me by (so far, knock on wood), and because of the reno, staying home isn’t an option. I’ve told DH he should rent out our friends tiny house for the day tomorrow and he can WFH/watch TV in peace.
campermom, my middle child/older son sounds a bit like your son. I will say that he has grown out of some of his more challenging behaviors as he’s gotten a little older (5.5 now), so hang in there.
I definitely think it’s worth trying to find a new babysitter who can deal with him - does his daycare or preschool have any teachers who handle him well, who you could hire for occasional babysitting? And then pay them very well so they want to come back?
Will he respond to bribes? Like with gym daycare, if you say if he’s kind to the other kids for an hour, you’ll go out to lunch on the way home or whatever? That also helped with my son. Also my parents can handle him on his own better than when they have all 3 kids - so maybe you could have your parents have just him, and drop the other two kids at gym daycare to get a break?
I think one of the amazing things about having a large family is seeing the differences in kid personality from kids with the same parents, schools, etc. It has given me so much more empathy for other parents.
My mom said she and my dad would watch them one night a week so I can run with my running club (slowly...I’m still 6 weeks post op) They already watch them once a week when I take my older son to practice late at night-the little ones are in bed when we get home. She’s also watching them when I go to a bridal shower tonight.
Daycare has a very intense behavior system going on, but he’s still acting aggressively everyday.
I feel like I’be tried and continue to try all the right things-countdowns for transitions, front loading for expectations, modeling the “zones”, a strict behavior chart system with only two positively phrased goals tied in with rewards, recognizing positives much more frequently than negatives, a consistent time out threshold with appropriate amounts of time. Lots of “if then” language. He gets special positive attention times. Each night we play a board game so we can model and practice coping strategies for things and he can practice delayed gratification, turn taking, losing etc. “We will say, Maybe next time!” I do a lot of Daniel Tiger songs. They have a calm down area at daycare with some really great tools and visuals. They modified his day so he’s not with the younger high school girls after his teacher leaves, he goes with the 3 year old teacher instead. I also taught him balloon belly/birthday candle breathing and we practice that a lot. Try my best to have neutral non emotional responses.
His behavior improved a ton over the summer, he was home and wasn’t in daycare. But even with all this stuff lately he’s regressed he is still hitting daily at school and a lot at home.
I need to buckle down and make picture social stories for him. Making that kind of stuff is overwhelming to me bc I don’t have a printer or laminator at home and when I’m at work I am SO DAMN busy I need to do work stuff....and I can’t stay late or go in any earlier bc I have no after care bc I’m already spending 1400 a month on daycare.
I’ve cried a LOT the last 2 days.
People are like oh it’s bc your husband is gone. Nope. It was like this before. The difference now is I’m utterly alone.
Right now money is very tight bc of my surgery, I’ll have a big chunk paid off in 4 months and it will be smoother. But I am not even really looking for paid babysitters.
On the plus side-TWERKS wise, my recovery is going well (I still cannot lift him though, he’s 40 lbs) but I haven’t needed to thank goodness. Also the results are fabulous 🙂