twinmomma, wow. I’m actually impressed you haven’t told him. You’ve totally got this. He’s going to be shocked because it’s a shocking story. And he’s going to love you all the more that you’re totally mature and didn’t lead into the relationship with “my ex is an utter and complete waste of space whose only positive contribution to this world is a sperm that joined with my egg and split into two beautiful girls.”
mommyatty, Thanks. I appreciate that. Not telling him has mainly been out of self-preservation and nerves. I still get really stressed about what people will think of me as it relates to XH, as if I was somehow involved and complicit in it. I know that's ridiculous and not how people view it, but I've tried so hard to not let XH define me and to actively not be a "victim" that I just haven't brought it up.
Plus, it's kind of awkward to be enjoying a nice dinner together and then slip in "By the way, here's the hot mess that my life was a year ago."
twinmomma, I think I would go into it organically. I don't think I would make it a special conversation. As things come up, you can put them out there in the conversation normally. Like when he does something totally opposite of XH, maybe let him know that it was special, because XH was a complete ass(maybe better wording there) and then go from there.
I like rere’s approach the best of just sprinkling little bits and pieces here and there organically.
I don’t think you have to talk about it though. I mean, you should tell him, but you don’t have to get into nitty gritty details if you don’t want. Just the facts and then saying something like it was bad memories so you don’t want to get super into the details. I think there are ways to do that and see if he respects the way you want the information to come out. And you can always tell more later when you are more comfortable.
I may go against the grain a little and say do not bring it up here and there. When my H and I started dating he was about 6 months post divorce and 1.5 years post separation, but every time he would say something like that it made me feel like he was comparing us. Even if it was a positive towards me. You are, but he doesn't need to be reminded that you are. (maybe this is just my issue) I would say something at the six month date saying something like our past six months have really shown me how a man should be treating me. My x really put me through wringer last year and I had forgotten what it felt like to be treated with respect.
I think that will help lead the conversation to talking about some of the deep stuff. Good luck.
Post by covergirl82 on Oct 31, 2019 9:39:36 GMT -5
Dear MIL,
I want you to be able to enjoy "extra" things, but I'm concerned that you are wasting the extra money you have right now while you have a part-time job (in addition to SSI disability). Eating out, buying things you don't need, getting your nails done (even though you said it was once and for your birthday, we would've been happy to get you a gift certificate for manicure), instead of using that money to pay down your debt, on top of your history of not living within your means, I'm concerned you will be no better off financially when this job ends (given that you don't have a good history of maintaining a job). I wish you were open to financial advice and assistance with budgeting, because DH and I would be happy to help you build a budget that would still allow you "extras" from time to time.
Signed, DIL who wants you to not constantly have financial issues
Dear Halloween,
Power outage right when I need to get ready for work, get the kids ready for school, and make breakfasts and lunches? Well played "trick," well played.
Signed, At least power came back on within 3 hours and internet service was on when power was restored
Dear weather,
So you're in on the Halloween tricks too? Accumulating snow this evening starting during ToT and overnight? Hopefully this trick doesn't result in a snow day tomorrow...
I think I'm going to take the xctsclrx approach and just do it all at once rather than in bits and pieces. My therapist cautioned against the small comparisons so that he doesn't end up feeling like I'm keeping score or something.
I'll get there, I've just been actively avoiding the conversation until now.
mae0111 I wouldn't take it too personally. If it's canned emails, it's likely a software screening you out, not real people. Good luck! And good job getting back out there - that's a big step!
I do not have a manager title. Therefore, I get excluded from distrubtion lists that are crucial for me managing my clients appropriately. So when company wide emails get sent to managers only, the only person in our division seeing them is you. Effing distribute them, so I can do what you pay me to do. When I do my job well, IT MAKES YOU LOOK GOOD.
Alternatively, I'd agree to a manager title and the corresponding salary bump and I'll get those emails directly. But it doesn't seem like the most efficient use of funds.
I know you can relate. There’s nothing like having a sick child at home who feels miserable and just wants to snuggle with you. Especially two days later when you feel like death warmed over.
Signed, Going to try to hibernate in a construction zone.