I hate this month. I hate next month. Basically I'm just hanging in there until mid-February. My tight-knit online group lost a member in a really horrific way, and we're all struggling right now.
cuadrado - your insight is really awesome. Thanks!
Agreed. Thank you for all these insights!
My back has been more sore lately, but I think it’s because life has been a little crazy and I’ve been a little more sedentary. I’ve put on like 5 pounds, so I don’t truly think it’s the weight. So I need to remind myself that it’s not weight loss that is likely to improve my soreness - it’s regular activity and strengthening my core. I’m likely to drop these five pounds if I get back to exercising, but even if I don’t, strengthening my core and moving more.
@@@ The hardest part for me is the thoughts about the risks of getting gestational hypertension again (or even pre-eclampsia) and the odds of a successful VBAC. But short of losing a ton of weight before getting pregnant again - which is simply not likely to happen - I just have to accept that I’m at a higher risk for complications. That’s really hard to accept without immense guilt. I am, however, helping keep my therapist in business, so there’s that!
My physical health is perfect and I've been truly enjoying going to the gym 6 days a week. But my mental health is at an all time low. I tore my rotator cuff at the gym, confirmed by an orthopedic surgeon friend, extent is uncertain because I haven't gone in for imaging because if I ignore it, it will go away. Right? Isn't that how it works? But not being able to lift weights at the gym has really affected my mental health. I hate graduate school and don't even want to finish or work as a NP but here I am, 3 semesters away from graduation, so I feel I can't quit now.
My biggest contributor to my horrible mental health state is @@ so I'll leave it out. Just suffice it to say, I've never been more miserable and it's such a dark state to be in.
sillygoosegirl, definitely get checked out to rule it out, but I do want to mention that when I broke my wrist at the age of 12, my doctor told me that there are so many little wrist bones in there and that they are quite easy to break.
I actually broke the big arm bone, right at the wrist, into 3 pieces. On what I thought was a minor fall. Of course, lots of people of all ages do that too. At any rate, it's really motivating me to eat my broccoli and take care of my bones...
Just a little reminder to get your vitamin D levels checked if you haven't recently, and take your vitamin D supplements daily! I thought my meds had stopped working one year but turns out my D levels were crazy low. Now I take a D supplement daily from November-March and it helps a ton.
My doctor was shocked that my Vitamin D levels are normal. He was like "you're a pale person whose depression gets worse in the winter and your VitD are fine. I almost don't believe it."
What was your number, if I may ask? Mine was 20, and I need supplementation.
My doctor was shocked that my Vitamin D levels are normal. He was like "you're a pale person whose depression gets worse in the winter and your VitD are fine. I almost don't believe it."
What was your number, if I may ask? Mine was 20, and I need supplementation.
My physical health is perfect and I've been truly enjoying going to the gym 6 days a week. But my mental health is at an all time low. I tore my rotator cuff at the gym, confirmed by an orthopedic surgeon friend, extent is uncertain because I haven't gone in for imaging because if I ignore it, it will go away. Right? Isn't that how it works? But not being able to lift weights at the gym has really affected my mental health. I hate graduate school and don't even want to finish or work as a NP but here I am, 3 semesters away from graduation, so I feel I can't quit now.
Have you done physical therapy? Unless you're a baseball pitcher, most people do pretty well with rotator cuff injuries and tears by doing physical therapy. Rotator cuff injury can certainly be diagnosed on physical exam and doesn't need imaging, so it sounds like you'd benefit from PT. Not being able to do the physical activities you like to do can definitely take a toll on things. I hope you're able to get some treatment!
My physical health is perfect and I've been truly enjoying going to the gym 6 days a week. But my mental health is at an all time low. I tore my rotator cuff at the gym, confirmed by an orthopedic surgeon friend, extent is uncertain because I haven't gone in for imaging because if I ignore it, it will go away. Right? Isn't that how it works? But not being able to lift weights at the gym has really affected my mental health. I hate graduate school and don't even want to finish or work as a NP but here I am, 3 semesters away from graduation, so I feel I can't quit now.
Have you done physical therapy? Unless you're a baseball pitcher, most people do pretty well with rotator cuff injuries and tears by doing physical therapy. Rotator cuff injury can certainly be diagnosed on physical exam and doesn't need imaging, so it sounds like you'd benefit from PT. Not being able to do the physical activities you like to do can definitely take a toll on things. I hope you're able to get some treatment!
Yes, thank you! I'm trying to avoid surgery at all costs because it will keep me out of work (flight nurse) for a significant amount of time.
It feels strange to come in and update because my November was profoundly life changing. My year, I suppose, has been profoundly life changing.
I've reached integration. I just feel like me. Just me with a history of life, including many, many very hard experiences. I've realized that all along everyone else only ever saw me, but now I feel whole and I feel like just myself. This is not to say I don't have more things to look at, it just feels different now. Like the high alert threat of a lion stalking me is just gone.
I feel peaceful and relaxed. My anxiety feels like it disappeared. I am laughing again. Experiencing both joy and grief without my system being in overwhelm. I've learned to ask for help and to accept help when it is offered. I know how to set and keep boundaries and that feels so much better than allowing my boundaries to be breached all the damn time. And I look different in the mirror to myself, which is such a crazy experience. Overall, I am just in a really good place, despite the difficulty of my November.
My sister (she is my first cousin who was raised as my older sister) died on November 17th. She had end stage liver disease, just like both my parents, and had been homeless for nearly a decade. I couldn't imagine not offering my home to provide hospice care in her final days. She was the sister who protected me from the physical abuser in our lives. The sister who made me laugh and allowed me to experience moments of childhood innocence and joy. Her life was unbearably difficult and I needed her to know that even in death she deserves love and kindness because her life mattered so very much to me. It was a realization that we had both started in the same place and her life was ending while I was going through some sort of rebirth. And I could just suddenly see what I had overcome. That I had not only survived, but that I had thrived. Her death was not peaceful. The hospice nurse the next morning said trauma not resolved in life, is resolved before death, and often violently. She said they frequently see it with those who have PTSD. I was so grateful to learn that although therapy has been unbelievably difficult, that I have given myself a gentler, kinder method of resolving my trauma.
Through the experience I also had a major contract project finishing up between Nov 11-Nov 18, for which I was the project manager and only engineer. I was unable to finish the project or present the technical work. I called in all of my colleagues and they helped at a time I needed it most. I have never felt so loved and supported. Additionally I have never invited my family into my home - my trauma was always too much to have them be in my life. And suddenly they were all in my home having a lot of opinions about my life and my choices. And at the same time many of them were asking me how I did it, how I really found healing in order to build a life. It was a collision of worlds and a realization of just how good I am at setting boundaries. The 'don't fuck with me vibe' that people say I have? Yeah, I get it now.
And so I am taking December off from self work. I am just going to live. I protect time for yoga and my new favorite class, Essentrics. If I can make it a priority and change my sleep hours, then I will also add Soul Cycle (the class is early morning class). I also have a desire to dance again, but it will look different I think. I want to teach the little girls as a way to find my own place in dance. I am ready to start lifting again, but I am taking that slow because lifting triggers disordered eating/fueling, and scarcity around food (and money!) are triggers for me.
I tore down the guest bedroom and I am redoing it as an art studio where I can write, draw, paint, practice photography, and play piano. I have begun writing my memoir. I will be going out in spring to raise money for a company that I think will help shift us into a new energy paradigm. So much progress this year to get to this point. I am immensely proud of myself.
I hope those of you who are in a dark place, or a place of uncertainty, that you too find the person or thing that helps shed some light on your path. Thank you to everyone who shared their stories and gave me love and support. The most valuable lesson I learned this year is that none of us are alone.
Usually when I’m stressed, I eat uncontrollably. But in the last 2 weeks, my life has been out of control (DH checked himself into rehab, where he will likely be for at least 90 days, leaving me as a very sudden single parent, and a complete financial disaster to clean up. Divorce is almost 100% certain). I am struggling to eat anything other simple carbs, I’m forgetting meals, all normal hunger cues have disappeared. If I eat anything, my body registers as stuffed. I’m going from stuffed to so hungry, I feel like I’m going to faint in like 5 minutes. My heart rate is up and I’m meeting my daily move goals while doing nothing all day. I feel physically awful.
I know a lot of this is a stress response. Forcing myself to cook for the kids doesn’t help because my 7 year old has major food issues and when she’s stressed, she limits what she’ll eat down to almost nothing and the youngest will copy her.
I’m already planning on talking to my therapist about it tomorrow. But any thoughts on how to healthfully address the food implications of stress would be appreciated.
rubytue - glad the treatments are about over and you are feeling healthy!
Thanks!
As a no judgment thread, I feel like babbling more. First thing is weird bc I’ve felt healthy this whole time. I mean, I never would have suspected anything, and if you ask me, I would still say I’m “generally healthy,” which is just plain odd. I know. But then it comes back to bite me because I don’t look sick. And I get so frustrated when people, typically other patients, treat me like I don’t belong. Old men glaring at me when I take patient parking. People who make me stand in the waiting room when the seats are all occupied by grandma’s family, age 12 to 50. And the one that really burned me was when someone accused me of stealing my own blanket. And the doubled down. “A woman left that blanket in the waiting room when she went back to change.” Yes, that was me! I didn’t want to carry it to the bathroom, so I set it down. “But some lady set it down...” Yes. I am some lady!
Its a weird thing to be bothered by, but it does bug me.
jr009j that sounds really tough. I take the opposite approach of pugz and give myself permission to eat for comfort during stressful times. Nourishment and sustenance are very comforting and if you don't feel like eating for nutrition, then nourish yourself with food that makes you feel comforted. Same with your children. Maybe go to the grocery store and find some easy to prepare items. Or just buy the stuff that sounds good to you. Don't be afraid to just go with simple or familiar things. Food is food, neither good or bad. Food doesn't need to be an additional stress at the moment. And know that with intuitive eating, this is a temporary experience with food and that you will return to some new normal where you can experience food again beyond an emotional comfort.
I am still talking sleep aid (switching between melatonin and Benadryl) most nights, which I hate to do but I like the feeling of actually being rested.
I did very little work over Thanksgiving week, which hurts today, but I managed to get a lot more exercise than usual, which I know is important. Now if only I can finally kick this nagging cough...
SallyJ, jr009j oh I totally allow myself permission for emotional eating, it's normal and not necessarily a bad thing! Just don't want it to be the only tool in your toolbox for handling stress! My therapist has helped me figure out other things I can do.
Post by Ashley&Scott on Dec 2, 2019 16:26:00 GMT -5
I started Zoloft a week ago because I was very anxious and irritable. My doctor prescribed 50mg and suggested I ease into it at 25mg for a week or so. She said I can also stay on that dosage if I choose. I do feel like my mood is improving, I'm debating if I should increase to the full 50mg or wait a few more weeks to see how I feel at 25. It should take about 3-4 weeks to realize the full effects of the dose.
I also finally saw an endocrinologist for my thyroid. 14 months ago we discovered I am hypothyroid and likely have Hashimoto's. My primary doc has been treating it but my meds weren't quite right, she kept adjusting them up/down every 3 months. I was so happy when the endocrinologist said she would test my levels every 6 weeks (instead of 12) and keep me at the higher end of normal since that's when I felt my best earlier this year.
ETA: I also got a FitBit. It's a nice reminder to move throughout the workday. It also tracks my sleep so I'm trying to do my part to get a good night's rest by not playing on my phone when I should be going to bed.
SallyJ - that is quite a journey you shared with us. You are a strong person for getting through all that. I recently discovered this person on Instagram, who you might enjoy -- @colleenmwerner
She's a ballet dancer recovering from an eating disorder, and she also wrote a memoir. I haven't read it, but I just enjoy her feed. Others here may also enjoy her stuff as well - the photos of this more average sized woman up on her toes is pretty cool!
jr009j, I'm so sorry. What a nightmare. I agree with the others that you should just do what you need to do to get through this time, and not worry about whether food is good or bad. If you feel like you need something that is both filled with nutrients and also comforting and easy, some ideas are: cheese and crackers, peanut butter toast, smoothies, anything with avocado, grilled cheese and tomato soup, or a baked potato (or baked sweet potato). If you have a Trader Joes near you, just stock up on all their frozen foods. But if you don't have the strength to figure out food, just eat what's easy and tasty, and save your energy for everything else you are dealing with.
Can we just agree that a like in these posts is akin to a hug? I want to like posts, but as a show of support, but I don't want someone thinking that I didn't read what they wrote or misunderstood their hurt or anything.
As for me, I am doing pretty well. I actually feel good about a lot of things about myself, even though nothing physically has changed. Its probably the anti-depressant TBH. I am glad that I finally snapped and reached out for the help, but I wish it hasn't taken a big push to get there
SallyJ what’s the trick to accepting help? I suck at this. H calls me “independent to a fault” bc I’m so much “just let me do it!” Today, my radiation tech was teasing me bc I wouldn’t take his arm to sit up and accept his help getting off the table. To me, it was “I can get off the table just fine!”
Yes, it’s a he, but totally a medical thing not a male thing lol He’s my favorite tech
rubytue are you thinking about Swim Across America? If so, they put in an amazing event. It’s really wonderful what they help patients with and how they honor so many people at the event. The swim is great too! I did the 2 mile swim in Seattle this past summer.
This time of year is horrible for me. I have disordered eating issues due to allergies and anaphylaxis related memories. No matter what I say or how many conversations I have with family members about my nut/legume/soy allergies I will always be offered foods I can not eat. I tell family to please not go out of their way for me and I will bring my own meal to no avail. People want to try to accommodate while dusting their nut bowl hands on their pants before asking if they get me an iced drink.
Cookie trays passed around (because it was grandmas tray RIP and that short bread don’t have nuts...but the peanut butter marshmallow bars next to them do!) and I get rolled eyes for declining). Drinks at the downstairs bar with the bottle opener next to the nut tray. I decline because I don’t want to die and I get “looks”. Chinese take out for Christmas Eve dinner I can’t eat and I’m “rude”.
It really is me me choosing to see my family at holidays or being alone. This year I am not in any emotional position to deal with their allergy doubting and am staying home.
And I know I said nut/legume/soy separately even though they are all close. Not everyone understands that.
booky, that stinks that people can't respect your allergies enough to figure out how to make celebrations that also keep you safe. It must be exhausting. Hugs.
rubytue are you thinking about Swim Across America? If so, they put in an amazing event. It’s really wonderful what they help patients with and how they honor so many people at the event. The swim is great too! I did the 2 mile swim in Seattle this past summer.
Actually, yes! I was aiming for the short course of the bay bridge swim (bc, duh!). Then I stumbled on Swim Across America. Which is actually even closer (and I’m 25 mins from the bay bridge). So it was a no brainer.
I’ll likely only go for the one mile. I meant, I was in lessons last summer (2018), advanced to coached training last fall, and then took 6 months off. Although, the masters coach was trying to recruit me out of my “pre masters” group right about the time everything went to shit in my life. So I might graduate to masters in 2020.
maybe I’ll put the bay bridge on my 5-year goal lol
ESF thanks for the IG rec! I love following ballerinas that aren't 'standard'.
rubytue Honestly? A lot of therapy. Learning about why I don't want to accept help and why it's hard for me to ask for help, both for me personally and also to look at the messages that are reinforced from society. Independence is a huge push culturally, and it is viewed as success when you achieve independence. Our lives have changed quite a bit in a society that we have become more and more isolated. The isolation then becomes normal and help can feel uncomfortable to accept. If you can first understand that society is giving you messages you may not want to participate in, similar to our anti-diet talk here, that is often a great first step. I always try to remember that the human species is actually a helpless, delicate species. Our babies are totally helpless until age 2-3? And our brains don't full develop until age 25 and the adolescent brain which is age 12-25 makes some of the stupidest, most dangerous decisions. The only way we have actually survived as a species is through connection, community, and the help of others. To receive help is to be human.
For me personally I had to do everything myself from a very, very early age because my parents were neglectful. The go it alone mentality is built into my survival, as is my need for controlling outwardly since my parents were unreliable and that is how I dealt with surviving uncertainty. I learned that I wasn't worthy of love or help from my primary caretakers, but I also recognized that I did indeed have a lot of help along the way. My 'resources' in therapy during EMDR were all the helpers in my life. EMDR and somatic experiencing were critical in my healing, and belief that I am worthy.
I also had to practice the action of receiving. I started by telling the people who I know love me and are very close to me that I would like to learn how to accept their help. Just because I CAN do it alone, does not mean that is the best for me, or that I am required to do so, or that I am not worthy of someone giving me help. But accepting help felt threatening without the healing and understanding of why, so that part is necessary to work through. Once I decided I wanted to learn how to accept help, I just opened my eyes to other people offering and I took them up on it. I assumed if they offered, then they wanted to help me, and I can learn what it feels like to receive help. (Learning is my preferred coping strategy of dealing with uncomfortable things - I love learning so if I switch into a curious mindset, all of the discomfort falls away or is channeled/tied to learning since I know that process is uncomfortable.)
I also had a lot of work to do on me being too helpful toward others because accommodating others was another survival skill that was incredibly effective, but now impacts my ability to set healthy boundaries. When other people gave me help, I experienced that uncomfortable feeling and I had thoughts like: I don't need it, if I take it then it says I'm not capable, or perhaps what they want in return is too much of an ask, or I will lose control if I let them help. In those moments I recalled what it feels like to help others - to truly help them, and then I imagined the other person feeling that way toward me. It was my first experience of feeling that I am worthy of love and help. And I was grateful so I started saying thank you, rather than no, I've got it.
After I became more comfortable accepting help, I was then put into a position of having to ask for it. There was no way I could not get help in November. My survival was based on getting help this time, rather than doing it myself. So I called my closest friends and I told them I needed help. I sent them a specific list of all the things I needed help with and they offered what they could. I trusted that other people could set their own boundaries on helping me. I felt so much love from the vulnerable state of asking for help, and then all of my people going above and beyond to give it to me. And I just thought, what is the point of building this life with all these great people if I don't believe or rely on that connection and community?
So, yeah. Therapy helped a ton. And the action of receiving. Plus believing that helping others is human nature and connection is required for survival, and that I, too, am worthy of love and help.
After about an 18 month hiatus, I started taking reformer pilates classes again in September. I've been pretty consistent with one private session, one group class, and one deep stretch class per week since then. Yesterday my private instructor commented that I've gotten a lot stronger! It was nice to hear that.