This makes me sad because I only have like 90 minutes with my kids per day and I find myself wishing it away.
This resonates with me so much. You are definitely not alone.
Is your husband home when you get home? If so, can you ask him to come out and wrangle the three year old while you get the baby in the house? I know the evening at least starts out better when my husband can get a kid out of the car and into the house. If he is not home, can you just carry the three year old in the house before you go back and get the baby? Let him hang out in the mud room if he wants to, but at least he is inside and safe. I think this will pass relatively soon for you. My daughter is almost 4 and goes into the house pretty easily now, which wasn't the case 6 months ago.
My kids are 6 and 9. The 6-year old can be very rough in the evenings. I've tried to put it in context because I know she holds a lot in at school. So she kind unleashes on us when she gets home. They do fight like cats and dogs sometimes and that drives me crazy because I'm hangry and H usually makes dinner.
Once we get done with dinner, we have some time to play board games, play on the Switch, etc. It's a great way for some family fun. My son is older and enjoys watching a baseball or hockey game so he'll chill and we'll let him stay up until 9. It does get better in that sense. It's not craziness until 9. Just usually until after dinner.
Hmm. I don’t find this part of the day hard. The harder part is mornings for us because sleep is nice so I wake up with just enough time to get it all done and out the door if the three year old behaves, which she does not.
In light of that - here’s how things go: pick up from daycare, walk home, in the door around 6pm. She immediately goes to play with her toys. If she asks for anything, I say “in a minute” and take a breather in the kitchen. When ready, I come back to her toys and we chat, talk, play, etc. So, she has naturally just come in the door and had quiet time with her toys. Any chance you could institute that? Every time he does so without crying or throwing a fit, he gets a treat after dinner?
I’ve also found that my three year old likes to help. Oh man, she wants choices and to do it herself. “I DO IT.” Anything that I can come up with that she can do, I do. “Help me carry the bags!” “Put your shoes in the basket!”
We also have not been too rigid about coats and shoes yet. She comes in and drops her coat, takes off her shoes and leaves them around. After she’s had a few minutes to play/we all are ready, we start cleaning up coats, shoes, etc.
At least with my kid, she’s worn out from a day where she’s asked to be good, listen, be still, etc. Once I’m there, she’s ready to just let out a lot of frustration in a safe place (with me). I decided to lean into it rather than fight it. I give her a lot of grace at the end of the day and she has - in time - returned to compliance as long as what I’m asking her is reasonable and she’s had a break.
Ugh, yes. Now DH picks up DD1, but when I used to pick them both up, the moment of walking in the door with them was one of the most stressful of the day. This is how I would handle it (and similar to how I did handle it when the kids were that age):
Your H meets you in the garage to help with the 3-year-old. You immediately go to your bedroom or the baby's room to nurse the baby and get some quiet time. Your H puts on a show for the 3-year-old and finishes cooking. You bring the baby down and everyone eats. After dinner, everything feels (at least in theory) less chaotic and you can spend a little quality time with the kids before bedtime.
Evenings suck equally for me, whether it’s a work day or not. For whatever reason my kid turns into the worst version of himself from 5-7p, which often makes me feel like the worst version of myself. Having a second set of hands makes the biggest difference to me.
I really enjoy my Saturday work days for this reason - I can go in whenever since it’s the weekend and have been working 645a-3:15p. I get home to spend some time in the daylight with my kid and see him before he’s just lost all ability to self regulate for the day. Then H & I can tag team dinner and bedtime since he usually doesn’t travel on Saturdays but is frequently gone during the week.
Okay, I’m also going to admit that we use TV. I’m very liberal with the TV. After that quiet time playing with toys, she comes and asks for the TV. And, well, I say yes.
I work all day, I’m running all over and I need downtime, too. We cuddle and watch Sesame St. Or I’m in the kitchen making dinner and she’s out in the living room watching Paw Patrol. She rests from a day of constant people interaction and learning while my brain cools down From working and commuting madness. I’m a happier, calmer Mom than I’d ever be without it.
Post by jeaniebueller on Jan 16, 2020 13:16:02 GMT -5
When my kids were littler, i found that time of day to be really hard. Honestly, just do whatever you can do survive it. It WILL get easier as they get older. At 5.5 and 11, my kids not beeline for their bedrooms or the TV/tablet right after we get home, so I get time to change, start dinner, chill out, etc. I probably rely too much on screen time for portions of the evening, but it is what it is. After they get their initial downtime, we eat dinner, do homework, read books, etc. When DS was 5 and DD was a baby, all bets were off.
This makes me sad because I only have like 90 minutes with my kids per day and I find myself wishing it away.
This resonates with me so much. You are definitely not alone.
Is your husband home when you get home? If so, can you ask him to come out and wrangle the three year old while you get the baby in the house? I know the evening at least starts out better when my husband can get a kid out of the car and into the house. If he is not home, can you just carry the three year old in the house before you go back and get the baby? Let him hang out in the mud room if he wants to, but at least he is inside and safe. I think this will pass relatively soon for you. My daughter is almost 4 and goes into the house pretty easily now, which wasn't the case 6 months ago.
He is home. He's normally cooking dinner when we get home, but he can and has come out to help. I really hope this phase is over soon. I think it's mostly a power struggle and also by 5:30 he's done listening to people and just nuts.
Hmm. I don’t find this part of the day hard. The harder part is mornings for us because sleep is nice so I wake up with just enough time to get it all done and out the door if the three year old behaves, which she does not.
In light of that - here’s how things go: pick up from daycare, walk home, in the door around 6pm. She immediately goes to play with her toys. If she asks for anything, I say “in a minute” and take a breather in the kitchen. When ready, I come back to her toys and we chat, talk, play, etc. So, she has naturally just come in the door and had quiet time with her toys. Any chance you could institute that? Every time he does so without crying or throwing a fit, he gets a treat after dinner?
I’ve also found that my three year old likes to help. Oh man, she wants choices and to do it herself. “I DO IT.” Anything that I can come up with that she can do, I do. “Help me carry the bags!” “Put your shoes in the basket!”
We also have not been too rigid about coats and shoes yet. She comes in and drops her coat, takes off her shoes and leaves them around. After she’s had a few minutes to play/we all are ready, we start cleaning up coats, shoes, etc.
At least with my kid, she’s worn out from a day where she’s asked to be good, listen, be still, etc. Once I’m there, she’s ready to just let out a lot of frustration in a safe place (with me). I decided to lean into it rather than fight it. I give her a lot of grace at the end of the day and she has - in time - returned to compliance as long as what I’m asking her is reasonable and she’s had a break.
I really needs to get him playing independently more. Most days I can't even change my clothes without him following me upstairs to my room.
Post by icedcoffee on Jan 16, 2020 13:28:38 GMT -5
We don't use TV during the week because it turns him into a lunatic, but we might be past that at this point. He might be able to handle himself a little better....hmmmm....
So much solidarity in here. I'm solo parenting a 2 and 5 year old most evenings. I'm fortunate that I pick my kids up when my daughter's bus drop her off at her brother's daycare at 3:50. We're home by 4, and I still find this evening time to be exhausting.
The kids' daycare is around the corner from our house, so I stop home first before I get them and haul my own stuff inside. I take 5 minutes to bring my lunch bag, work bag, purse, the trash cans, packages, the mail, etc. all inside the house. Then I immediately walk back out to pick up the kids. It's not the most convenient, but I literally drive past my street on the way to pick up the kids. I realize it's not always practical for others to do this, but I'm so happy we chose a daycare so close to home for this reason and many others.
Getting in the door is the same shitshow it is for everyone else because my two year tries to run after a dog he sees, or my 5 year old pretends not to be able to climb down from her car seat. Then, once we're finally in the door my two year old immediately announces he has to poop, so I have to race him to the bathroom before I even take off my coat because otherwise he'll have an accident. My 5 year old accompanies us into the shoebox sized bathroom because she's excited to tell me about her day, and I try to remember to have patience as I'm wiping butts with my jacket still on. Every single day!
We're an early to bed, early to rise family by circumstance, so everything we do is on an earlier schedule than most. Dinner needs to be at 5, or it's meltdown city. My current dilemna is how to prevent my kids from fighting constantly while I try to get dinner on the table, lunch bags emptied/repacked, and do homework with my daughter. It just seems like they constantly need something from me during that time and it takes me 20 minutes to like dice a pepper because I'm interrupted half a dozen times. Oh, and most of the time my kids are served typical "kid meals" and they get a show to watch while they eat at 5. Then I try to pull together the adult dinner as fast as possible.
My H strolls in from the gym right as I'm done with quelling the chaos it seems, and we eat together around 5:30. The kids usually have fruit or a small dessert while the adults eat and we try to talk about our day. On bad days though, they get a second show so H and I can eat in peace. H and I divide and conquer everything after dinner- one plays with the kids, while the other cleans up, finishes HW, or starts bath. On nights without a bath, we might have a little more time to play a quick board game, FaceTime grandparents, or in the nicer weather take a walk around the block. But bedtime starts around 6:45, and we tag team alternating kids each night. My son goes right to bed but my daughter will stall and take forever so it's often 7:30 before you can leave her room.
Post by chickadee77 on Jan 16, 2020 14:11:12 GMT -5
We have a decent routine (18 month old and 5.5 year old in kindergarten, so two pickups)
We pay for the school-sponsored aftercare to save having to make the car line. Saves a ton of stress for us.
H picks up L from kindergarten when he's not traveling. I get the baby.
When I get home I let the girls run crazy in the house while I unpack backpacks and lunchboxes.
I start dinner if H hasn't already done so. The girls love eating together, and I'll be honest, they eat in front of the tv together a lot. They usually get a deconstructed version of what H and I will finish cooking for ourselves, though L is starting to like more complex foods, and will usually have a few bites of our dinner, too.
Right after dinner I put the baby down, then play/read/do homework with L until her bedtime at 7.
Mornings are actually a breeze, even with two dropoffs. I get ready immediately after waking, then move out to the kitchen. I've worked hard to make L self-sufficient. She gets dressed and packs her snacks and water bottle while I cook breakfast and pack the baby's breakfast and lunch as well as unloading the dishwasher (I reuse as much as possible so a lot of dishes were used the day before, are used again, and go right back in the dishwasher or lunchboxes). Then I get the baby up and ready and give her a quick breakfast (she eats a big breakfast at daycare), hopefully in her high chair.
L finishes her food and does potty, teeth, shoes and socks. I do potty and teeth with the baby, and don't do shoes and socks until we get to daycare.
Start to finish, we usually go from waking up to out the door in under an hour.
Commiseration. I went back to work at the end of May and only in the last like 6 weeks has it gotten more manageable. My DD is 7 and has homework to do. She also has piano one night per week and has to practice at least twice per week. My baby is fussy and tired by like 6:30pm. Dinner has to be cooked and bottles washed, etc. It’s a lot. After trying different routines to help streamline our evenings, we finally found one that works but it’s still tough. Also I just have up on having well rounded meals for now. We don’t have the time. Last night it was fish sticks and macaroni 🤷🏻♀️
My H picks the kids up every day so by the time I get home around 6, he has fed the baby some purées and started dinner. I come in, nurse the baby, H finishes dinner, we all eat together and then I go bathe the baby and put him down for the night. Once he’s down I help my DD get out of the bath and get ready for bed. My H puts her to bed every night but sometimes we do it together. After kids are down, we prep for the next day together - bottles, pack lunches, wash pump parts, and then we sit down and watch a show together. Lol, that’s our quality time right now.
I get like an hour a night with my kids during the week and it sucks. I miss them. But they are happy and I just try to tell myself every day that it won’t be like this forever. We have tried meal prepping on the weekend and it really does help and save us time during the week so we need to get back to doing that.
Seriously, it's a rough time after work. My kids are 3 and almost 6, and I've found ignoring them and their fighting seems to be the best play. Sometimes I allow some tv but afterwards they become monsters, so it's not worth it.
ETA: I think it's harder in the winter months b/c we can take a family walk or do a little outside time in summer. Bedtime drags out so.freaking.long. I try to make up for less than stellar quality time after work at bedtime. DH and I each do separate tuck ins, including play or reading time w/each kid and I'm always last...which seems to drag out. It's rare I finish bedtime w/both kids before 9pm, usually closer to 9:20.
I find this all very hard, especially when you add in homework for two kids now. Plus, I'm an introvert in an extrovert's job (teaching) so my dream of getting a little peace and quiet between school and home is important. It does get easier, to an extent - we get home at 5, I help with homework for a bit, then we all take some downtime (they read or play games or watch tv; I read or run), then I make dinner and we eat. It does mean that we don't eat until 7 but it's worth it.
"Hello babies. Welcome to Earth. It's hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It's round and wet and crowded. On the outside, babies, you've got a hundred years here. There's only one rule that I know of, babies-"God damn it, you've got to be kind.”
Hmm. I don’t find this part of the day hard. The harder part is mornings for us because sleep is nice so I wake up with just enough time to get it all done and out the door if the three year old behaves, which she does not.
In light of that - here’s how things go: pick up from daycare, walk home, in the door around 6pm. She immediately goes to play with her toys. If she asks for anything, I say “in a minute” and take a breather in the kitchen. When ready, I come back to her toys and we chat, talk, play, etc. So, she has naturally just come in the door and had quiet time with her toys. Any chance you could institute that? Every time he does so without crying or throwing a fit, he gets a treat after dinner?
I’ve also found that my three year old likes to help. Oh man, she wants choices and to do it herself. “I DO IT.” Anything that I can come up with that she can do, I do. “Help me carry the bags!” “Put your shoes in the basket!”
We also have not been too rigid about coats and shoes yet. She comes in and drops her coat, takes off her shoes and leaves them around. After she’s had a few minutes to play/we all are ready, we start cleaning up coats, shoes, etc.
At least with my kid, she’s worn out from a day where she’s asked to be good, listen, be still, etc. Once I’m there, she’s ready to just let out a lot of frustration in a safe place (with me). I decided to lean into it rather than fight it. I give her a lot of grace at the end of the day and she has - in time - returned to compliance as long as what I’m asking her is reasonable and she’s had a break.
She also has a baby. It's not really the same as having just the 3 year old.
"Hello babies. Welcome to Earth. It's hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It's round and wet and crowded. On the outside, babies, you've got a hundred years here. There's only one rule that I know of, babies-"God damn it, you've got to be kind.”
5pm-8pm is far more stressful then 8am-5pm. I am *SLOWLY* starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel and my kids are 11, 8, 4. I swear I just give up and don't care some nights. 2nd grade homework? pshhh not doing it. Goldfish and Gogurt for dinner? fine by me. Want to watch your ipad til bedtime? yup just put on your headphones bc I don't want to hear it.
The key is to set a low bar, then anything extra makes you feel like a great parent!
Hmm. I don’t find this part of the day hard. The harder part is mornings for us because sleep is nice so I wake up with just enough time to get it all done and out the door if the three year old behaves, which she does not.
In light of that - here’s how things go: pick up from daycare, walk home, in the door around 6pm. She immediately goes to play with her toys. If she asks for anything, I say “in a minute” and take a breather in the kitchen. When ready, I come back to her toys and we chat, talk, play, etc. So, she has naturally just come in the door and had quiet time with her toys. Any chance you could institute that? Every time he does so without crying or throwing a fit, he gets a treat after dinner?
I’ve also found that my three year old likes to help. Oh man, she wants choices and to do it herself. “I DO IT.” Anything that I can come up with that she can do, I do. “Help me carry the bags!” “Put your shoes in the basket!”
We also have not been too rigid about coats and shoes yet. She comes in and drops her coat, takes off her shoes and leaves them around. After she’s had a few minutes to play/we all are ready, we start cleaning up coats, shoes, etc.
At least with my kid, she’s worn out from a day where she’s asked to be good, listen, be still, etc. Once I’m there, she’s ready to just let out a lot of frustration in a safe place (with me). I decided to lean into it rather than fight it. I give her a lot of grace at the end of the day and she has - in time - returned to compliance as long as what I’m asking her is reasonable and she’s had a break.
She also has a baby. It's not really the same as having just the 3 year old.
My 3 yo is also in a really challenging period. He won't play independently very often and he won't do anything I ask him to do. If I say to him "Go play and I'll get back to you in a minute" he would either have a tantrum or follow me repeating the same question over and over. It's so exhausting. Everything is a big "thing".
Evenings are rough, but I'll give you hope. It gets better as they get older!
My 4 and 7 year old come home and are allowed to do whatever they want for 45 minutes after school; TV, toys, read, play outside. They have been "on" all day at that point and if we push them into anything other than having free space, they typically melt down. Once they have had that down time, they can act like human beings again.
I have this structure (or lack there of) too when we get home. My 6 and 2 year old usually eat snacks and watch tv while I put away bags and clean up a little. We get home at 6pm, my husband gets home about 8pm, and we all eat together so allowing them to have mindless downtime and eat snacks is essential to a calm night.
I will say that I resolve every night before I pick up the kids that we are going to have a good pickup and every night my plan goes haywire, kids refuse to sit in their seats, refuse to leave daycare, beg for ice cream, etc.
Mine are 5 and 3, and it's definitely easier than when they were babies. Still, the 3 year old is the hardest one in the evening. Super picky, wants to "help" in the kitchen, tells everyone what to do, melts down over little things . . . Three is a tough age!
Snacks help and dividing them up helps (usually one of us cooks with a "helper" while the other takes a kid to a different room). We cook pretty simple meals and sometimes wait until after bedtime to do any cleanup. And we try to be really, really patient with everyone, because it's such a hard time.
This is why I often sit in my car alone in the driveway for a few minutes before I go in the house. MH does pickup and it’s the only time I have to myself that is quiet. 😳
I remember those days, and they were terrible. I was mostly doing it all on my own too because DH traveled for work. DS would cry every night at a certain stoplight because the car wasn't moving. Then he got older, and I had DD. DD gave up naps at 2, so she was an exhausted mess, so yes I did have to change my entire work schedule around her. I went from 9-5 to working 8-4, so I could get her home in time for bedtime which was at 6:30. Seriously yes that early because she didn't nap.
I had to make my meals all in about 10 minutes while kids cried and screamed at me. So I became an expert at making food super quickly, or you can do crock pot, or leftovers. The snack idea in the car is genius, but I typically just let them cry since we ate 10 minutes after getting home otherwise then they weren't hungry for dinner. But yeah if dinner is later than maybe the snack idea is the way to go. Then I had to spend 20 minutes holding DD because she missed me and cried.
This too shall pass. Now I have a 7 and 9 year old. It gets better. Just keep going and you will get out the other side. And definitely nothing wrong with snacks, early dinners and early bedtimes. Don't feel bad because developmentally they probably need that sleep.
I only have one kid so it's not as hard. 4 is so much better than 3. 3 was the worst. Some things that helped was leaving my work bag and anything I didnt need immediately in the car, giving dd a snack in the car, and putting her kitchen in our kitchen. She would play while I cooked. Dh is responsible for cleaning the kitchen so I cared very little if she got rice all over the floor or paprika in the crevices of her kitchen. I just gave her a spoon, pot, and random food item and she entertained herself. Also. I used tv if I needed to. I made a PBS shows only rule to relieve some of my guilt. I just needed some time without her up my behind and figured caillou couldn't cause much harm.
My boys are 9.5 and almost 7 and it isn’t any easier - I’m so jealous of everyone who says that it is easy at this time. My kids eat and graze for at least an hour despite me trying to cut off food by 6:30. They won’t ever stop eating and complain that they are starving when I try to cut them off. And my younger one refuses to eat dinner most of the time and just has a breakdown - he refused Mac and cheese tonight. And they take like an hour to get ready for bed despite me screaming to hurry up. I rely on nearly 100% carry out during the week because we don’t make it to bed on time if I have to cook. I barely even read to them anymore because I’m so done by that point and I just want to lock myself alone in a room.
How does he like snacks? Would that be enough to bribe him into the house each day? Mine get a snack in the car on the way home and then another snack once we are inside. That buys some peace and quiet most days.
He does but I’m hesitant to give him one because we usually eat dinner like 30 minutes later. I guess I could do it anyway and not worry if he eats his dinner though.
My boys are 9.5 and almost 7 and it isn’t any easier - I’m so jealous of everyone who says that it is easy at this time. My kids eat and graze for at least an hour despite me trying to cut off food by 6:30. They won’t ever stop eating and complain that they are starving when I try to cut them off. And my younger one refuses to eat dinner most of the time and just has a breakdown - he refused Mac and cheese tonight. And they take like an hour to get ready for bed despite me screaming to hurry up. I rely on nearly 100% carry out during the week because we don’t make it to bed on time if I have to cook. I barely even read to them anymore because I’m so done by that point and I just want to lock myself alone in a room.
Honestly why not let them eat a meal of snacks and not fight about dinner? I’m lazy as hell about kids and food and my kids often eat an array of healthy snacks in lieu of dinner. Can you set a timer for getting ready for bed? 5 min to brush teeth, 10 min in shower, etc? My DS is a dawdler but the timer makes a huge difference
I’m with everyone in that this is super hard for us too. I have a 3 year old and a 1 year old. I’m irritated from the moment i pick them up from daycare. Baby weighs 25 pounds so carrying him while chasing the 3 year old gets old immediately. We get home around 5 and i pretty much toss snacks at both of them and turn on a show for the 3 year old so I can start dinner. I’m trying to get out of the TV because it turns my son into a zombie while watching and a terror when i turn it off. Then it’s bath and books and baby is in bed at 7 and 3 year old by 730-8.
Y'all. This has made me feel SO much better. I was JUST complaining yesterday about it and then saying I felt guilty since I have such a short window with S during the week. I am trying to think of what he is going through ("i missed mama. I want to play. I need to wind down.") but it does not fucking help. I DREAD it.
It is just me in the evenings this time of year. We get parked and just like you, icedcoffee , S wants to play in the freezing cold and dirty and dangerous garage. JUST COME FUCKING INSIDE.
Then there is a tantrum about getting clothes off. And there are a million bags. THE FUCKING BAGS. I hate them.
I am trying to make dinner, entertain a kid, get his lunch ready for the next day, clean up the bags and inevitable snow and dirt that comes inside with said toddler, dealing with tantrums, because the 2.5 YO wants to be HELD THE WHOLE TIME. If I put him down to even make him the exact sandwich he wants, there is a full on tantrum.
IF h IS home (rare) he is doing things that are important to the home, but the literal worst times. Instead of helping out inside with S or making dinner (laughable) he is plowing the driveway, spreading salt on the ice, raking the roof, fixing something in the garage that is critical for work, etc. I love that he is doing this, and I get that he has no other time to do it, but man alive.
***THEN you think, bedtime is great, you have free time fucking finally to relax, but NOPE, your kid SCREAMS IN HIS BED for THREE HOURS making your evening ruined. No quiet peaceful glass of wine while you eat dinner and watch junk TV and try to converse with your husband.
*yes, that was my exact night last night. S didn't fall asleep until 10:30. It was pure hell and I am still bitter and tired.
These are all very good suggestions. I went into pickup last night feeling all "I can do this" and at 7:15 when the last kid was tucked in I was ready to punch a wall. LOL
DS1 would not come into the house again so I eventually carried him into the mudroom where I left him laying on the floor in his jacket and shoes. During dinner DS1 talks so freaking much I can't even think straight. The baby was crying while I fed him purees. Dinner was me constantly getting DS1 more of whatever part of dinner he decided he needed more of IMMEDIATELY. It was so chaotic. My H was all "why are you always so short tempered" which made me feel more angry/stressed.
I know this is a phase. I know it will pass. I know it's very normal. I know it's probably made worse by breastfeeding hormones and lack of sleep. I just need to keep repeating this all to myself.
Tonight I'm leaving H to do all of this by himself and going out to happy hour. Have fun, buddy!