ilikedonuts I just want to clarify that I don't think that aggressive behavior is normal. I just meant that its normal for kids to "fight" over lane positioning. And I also think it's normal (at least in my experience) for a coach to tell the kids to work it out themselves. My advice to have her work to just pass the friend up was in a "this is how you over come it" train of thought. If she just doesn't want to, or can't then that is totally different. I am sorry if I made it seem like your kid should just deal with a mean kid in her lane.
"Hello babies. Welcome to Earth. It's hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It's round and wet and crowded. On the outside, babies, you've got a hundred years here. There's only one rule that I know of, babies-"God damn it, you've got to be kind.”
ilikedonuts , this thread has my mama bear instincts kicking in and I am livid on your behalf! Who in their right mind thinks this is ok? I’m really sorry you have to deal with this. I couldn’t watch my kid be treated like that and I’d probably pull her even though I don’t think that is fair to her. I feel like all the adults are failing her here. And as a side note, I don’t think I could continue to be friends with the other girls mom who blew this off. If I have to pull my kid from a sport she loves because her kid is a little asshole and she won’t do anything about it, I’d be done with that friendship.
I am so upset E is dealing with this. It is not ok. Can you video what is happening? Is there another coach you can call in to mediate this? This kid and this coach are ruining something E loves and is truly talented at.
Last resort, is there another swim team you can try?
I would talk to the facility (if it's a Y or similar) as the coaches aren't handling the situation. I would also consider another team or facility next year.
DS had a rough karate class yesterday. He's advanced, so he's in a group with older kids. Sometimes they pick on him during sparring matches. Last night he was deliberately pushed to the ground during tag sparring. A few minutes later someone grabbed his belt. Yes, sometimes he has to stand his ground if someone gets a little too handsy, and in return he earns the point because he wasn't the jerk. But last night was over the top. Similar to what's happening with your pool experiences. And you know what happened with my son last night? The coach stopped the sparring match, hashed it out with everyone, and made the other 2 kids sit against the wall for 10 minutes. (While I'm holding my breath in the lobby because my kid is juuuust getting over having a broken foot.)
Fast forward 2 wks and we are switching to another studio. His new coach (who is a few months in) is "ok", but not great. And when you're committed to a sport you want someone who can control their athletes. Right now his practices are just too unpredictable. We're moving to a much larger facility within the same style of karate.
There's competition, and then there's being an outright jerk. And the more someone is allowed to be a jerk without it being checked, the more it happens / the longer it goes on.
Are you ever on the pool deck? Once upon a time I shouted at a kid from the sidelines of the soccer field after he repeatedly hit and kicked my kid and the coach did nothing about it. In a span of 5 seconds the behavior stopped, and it never repeated itself. (I had been watching for weeks.) "Billy, he said STOP hitting him, so STOP." A good handful of parents said "good for you." and mentioned how annoyed they were that his behavior had gone unchecked for so long.
I agree with CloudBee. I think I’d talk to the offending kid directly since nothing else is working; I have done that a few times with my friends’ kids or rambunctious Girl Scouts or other kids I’m supervising who start going off the rails. Maybe even on the pool deck so you have witnesses. Just something like, “hey, Sophia, you need to stop kicking Emma in the head. She doesn’t like that and you’re hurting her. Okay?” Maybe that’s all it would take.
This thread is blowing my mind. “This other girl turns to see her to make sure she’s right in position to kick her in the head. She moves over to block my daughter and kick her square in the head.” “lol deal with it! Just tell your daughter to magically go around her!!”
God I hope my kids don’t play sports. I’m sorry this is happening.
I didn't realize this was a top-ranked swim club and that you are so involved, and that your daughter is a really excellent swimmer. That makes it a lot harder to pull your daughter. Is there any hierarchy, a board or directors, etc beyond or alongside of the head coach? A major donor to this program?
My problem at this point would be morphing into a serious issue with this coach, who refuses to even MEET WITH YOU about this issue. That is nuts in any case, and especially given how involved you are in this organization!
Post by lovelyshoes on Jan 17, 2020 9:51:05 GMT -5
It doesn’t matter how high ranked the swim club is, deliberate kicking shouldn’t be tolerated and should be addressed by the coach. Our coaches make the kids deal with a lot of this stuff, and lane hierarchy is determined by the coaches, not kids and the kids are super territorial, but not violent. Over the years I’ve seen several coaches tell our kids to figure it out among themselves before they got involved. This girl sounds extreme though. I’d try setting up a meeting with the main coach. Have other parents noticed and expressed concern? If I saw another child being kicked repeatedly I’d be vocal to the coach.
As a swim mom who is dealing with other issues with our own club, I can say that this situation is bullshit. The coaches need to do something about it. She needs to be going first, and the coaches need to talk to this other girl. Swimming is not a contact sport and I would be really pissed that she's getting kicked in the head.
And we do A LOT for our team too, and I will admit I get pissed sometimes at parents who sit on the bench and do nothing for the team, yet expect to be catered to.
I know this is not commonly done in sports, but if this was a child that was best friends with my child and I know them well then I would have no problem pulling them aside and saying hey I get you don't want to DD to pass and this is hard, but kicking her in the head is completely unacceptable. I feel like a lot of kids would stop at that point, but maybe even some empathy like, how would you feel if your best friend kicked you in the head? Etc. Sort of some gentle pressure.
If that doesn't work, I wouldn't have a ton of qualms yelling while it is happened hey X, stop kicking! If the coach looks at me, I wouldn't have a ton of issues saying well you didn't do anything. I try to avoid that at least the second part because by that time I would be mad- super mad if the coach doesn't like me addressing her problem that she ignored.
Can you talk to the mom again and say something like if you don't talk to your kid about kicking my daughter I will say something to her? Not in like a threatening way, but in like a concerned way.
Coming in late, but this is riduculous and I would switch teams. It sounds like it's a common issue but it's up to the coaches to handle it and yours won't. Hopefully it would be different on a new team.
Can you talk to the mom again and say something like if you don't talk to your kid about kicking my daughter I will say something to her? Not in like a threatening way, but in like a concerned way.
I'm sorry this is happening.
Yeah I'd be pretty up front with the mom that she needs to talk to her daughter or you will. And I'd let her know how much this is affecting your kid and that you may be leaving over the way it's being handled. As a parent she needs to get the fuck off the bench and talk to her kid.
Ok between this and the post on ML about other swim team issues, I'm glad we haven't pursued it yet, despite being asked. My word, protect these children!
I would probably move after the big meet you mentioned coming up. Not worth it for the mental toll on top of the physical issues.
Please keep us updated on the conversations with the staff and if you move her. I’m pretty appalled by this entire situation and hope you can find a good resolution that keeps your kid enjoying the sport.
Post by ilikedonuts on Jan 20, 2020 21:03:57 GMT -5
DD1 refused to get in again tonight for over 15 minutes until the coach told her to get in another lane not with the girl and then DD1 swam great and had no issues and actually led her lane (she was with 2 older 11 and 12 year old boys). Multiple parents exclaimed loudly ‘see look how easy it is when you don’t put her with the bully who kicks her.’ Coach then told DH at the end ‘I can’t guarantee I can move her every day.’ What. The. fuck. 🙄🙄🙄
The girls parents both ignored DH (one dropped off and one picked up). The girl tried to talk to DD1 in the locker room and DD1 straight up pretended she didn’t exist so the girl ran out screaming and crying.
Is this real life? This is insane! This is not normal,
Oh the best is the girl tried the same BS (kick and not let someone pass) with the 11 year old football player and he swam right up and on top of her 😂😂😂
DH has now moved up the chain since head coach hasn’t responded to him and ignored me about it yesterday.
So to be continued.
Oh yeah and we got kicked out of the carpool by the girl’s mom but then the other mom in carpool texted me and asked if she can still carpool with us instead of them.
This is so crazy. I'm glad your daughter has had enough and is showing it. Are the other girl's parents friends with the coach or something? I wonder if they're going to complain about others passing her now.
Post by JayhawkGirl on Jan 21, 2020 0:03:50 GMT -5
Your daughter is awesome. Congrats on the incredible 500 improvement. Imagine the progress she’ll make when able to swim freely to her abilities in practice.
I’m late to this post but that all sounds ridiculous. Even if it’s highly competitive, the focus of any 8 year old sport should be good sportsmanship and proper etiquette, particularly if it’s safety related etiquette. The coach should be addressing it on a continued basis.
Glad your DD is standing up to this “friend” outside the pool and that she’s had some good swims not behind that girl.
Also fuck that coach. I’d be tempted to bring a mannequin foot to practice and smack him in the face with it every time your daughter got a kicked, what a useless POS. I mean I know that’s not the right way to handle it but FFS getting kicked in the face isn’t fucking normal and is a major safety issue.
I'm starting to feel bad for this other girl. She's only 8 and all the adults around her (parents and coach) are enabling her to grow up into a terrible person. I hope she eventually somehow learns her behaviour is wrong and can be a team player. Maybe getting a taste of her own medicine and losing a friend will have some effect.
I'm glad your daughter had a great swim in a different lane though. She's doing a great job standing up for herself.
I am sorry it came to this. Don't feel bad about losing your cool. I did it once myself. I am still pissed about the situation years later with the comments from the group leader and other parents -- "they're just kids". If we don't protect our kids, who will? Especially an 8 year old! I would step back for now and see if you can find a team or try that gymnastics. It's clearly not going to get better.
Ugh I'm sorry it ended up that way ilikedonuts, I think I would have had it at that point too. I'm sorry you are feeling ashamed, but sometimes when we are defending someone we love our emotions get the best of us. Good for you for standing up for your daughter.
I bet you are going to find a better club or something different that will be wonderful. ((hugs))