I am not sure I would meet with anyone at this point. They suck. You are done with them, they are done with you.
If you do meet, I would go into it entirely calm and have written out what you want to say. Or your other option is like you say you are reporting it to higher ups just copy them on that letter.
Post by cherryvalance on Jan 30, 2020 10:30:53 GMT -5
Wait, the other parents were making loud and vocal comments about how your daughter was swimming better now that the bully wasn't with her? I'm not sure I'm reading that correctly.
If they are making those comments, are they also complaining to the coach? I would think they'd all want that coach removed because he clearly doesn't value safety.
I’m so sorry. It is unacceptable for them to treat your daughter this way, especially as the victim. I know how hard it is to separate from something you want so much for your kid, too. I hope the meeting brings peace for whatever the outcome is.
I think you’re being way too hard on yourself. You didn’t ruin your kids life. You stood up for her. Don’t feel bad for yelling if it finally called attention to the horribly unsafe situation they put your daughter in.
Post by icedcoffee on Jan 30, 2020 15:17:08 GMT -5
This whole things is bananas. I'd definitely meet with the coach and calmly, but firmly tell him how I feel. If you're kicked off the team then I'd report to some higher ups and find a new team or gymnastics.
Post by sparkythelawyer on Jan 30, 2020 16:05:09 GMT -5
Make sure that the team knows that your next move is to file a grievance with your organization's state authority because if their absolute refusal to protect the safety of their young swimmers. Point out all of the times you addressed, in writing, your concerns about the safety of the children at practice. Point out their specific lack of a response. Then follow through and file a complaint wherever you can get these coaches and this team reprimanded in a way that will matter.
Find a new team for your daughter. One that competes with this cadre of chucklefucks.
So she can kick their wholesale ass in the pool.
Nobody is ever going to tell me to sit idly by and tell my kid "just try not to drown while you somehow ninja yourself around" while someone physically assaults her in a pool. Holy shit.
For many reasons, including both what lead up to this incident and the meeting notes, I would be done with this team. There’s a lot there that I simply am not comfortable with.
I’m glad you went, but as a competitive swimmer for all of my childhood, there’s stuff in that meeting that is simply nonsense. Not all teams are like this. I would stop trying to make this work and move on. Seriously.
1. Their hemming and hawing over the lanes. I can’t understand this. I really am baffled at their insistence that “these are the lanes,” “this is how it is,” and “oh, we can’t possibly fix the lanes.” I mean ...yes, you can.
2. I have lots of trouble with someone who is doing wrong, repeatedly doing wrong, having no cares about doing wrong, then getting their comeuppance and it’s the person who is fed up with their shit that is the one doing all the apologizing. You should not be the only one apologizing. This kid, the coach, her parents, etc. they are all acting like they are the wronged parties and I am not okay with any of it. Nothing in the meeting leads to believe that anyone will behave differently and now they will behave wounded around you and your kid forever. It just gives them ammo that they were right, your kid was wrongm etc.
And just to clarify - OP, you did not break the relationship. You did not make it unsalvageable. The other people involved are more at fault than you could ever be. And if it wasn’t this incident that did it, it would be another in the future that would have looked different. YOU did not do this.
In ways, be glad it happened now and not after six more months of their bullshit.
Post by minniemouse on Jan 31, 2020 11:53:04 GMT -5
Omg, I would be livid that he said it may not be possible to switch lanes. I hope you have all your documentation laid out and file a report against the coach to whatever organization oversees that team.
I've been wondering what is going on outside of swimming. You had said that the bully and your DD were basically best friends. Was she being bullied outside of swimming too?
ilikedonuts - I just lurk over here, don't have kids, and have zero professional training, but it almost sounds like she's got some PTSD-like symptoms going on. Like, she WANTS to swim, but when she gets there her body betrays her because it's remembering the "trauma" (I'm really sorry if I'm not wording this correctly, I don't want to belittle what your DD experienced at the same time I don't want to belittle people who have experienced worse, you know?). I can't imagine how scary it must be to be pushed and shoved underwater, even for a confident swimmer. I don't think counseling would be overkill here.
I'm sorry to hear that update. I'm sorry that your DH isn't on board with you, but as a parent of a similar age child, sometimes you just have to play the trump card. Pull her, stay away from the other family, get her back to her old self, then re-evaluate with the new team. Good luck, this is not easy.
I’m so sorry to hear this! Your season should be about over here soon right? So at least there will be a forced break coming up?
Honestly my conversation with DH would go something like “what’s the harm in her taking a break? She’s mad at us and maybe her swim times suffer a little. And what’s the harm in continuing to let her swim? She has a full blown nervous breakdown at 8 years old.” It seems pretty clear that she needs to step away for a little bit.
There have been times in my kid raising life that even though DH and I don’t agree I have to put my foot down hard and not relent no matter what. Maybe it’s a discussion, maybe it’s a fight, maybe it’s a come to Jesus talk, maybe it’s unspoken through actions or lack of action. I just would not take her to the pool and would actively step in if he wanted to. Meltdowns or not, I would make that decision for my child and tell them why. Typically I like to be inclusive, but this is a unilateral no from me until the anxiety is better.
In our case, it was relating to a medical need that our child had. Despite DH disagreeing I continued to pursue a medical device, and when DH saw the results then he agreed with me. But I had to start down the path without him because I knew it was best for my child, and that is the starting point. Forget about everything else and refocus on best for your child.
I am so sorry you are still dealing with this! I agree that it's time to take a break from swim and probably get her in to work with a therapist. The physical part alone in traumatizing, but it was her 'friend' too, so that it a whole different element.
Oh ilikedonuts, that absolutely breaks my heart to hear. I can't even imagine how hard that is for you to watch. I hope escalating the matter brings about change on that team. I'll be praying that the therapy gives her a chance to open up and work through all these emotions. Sending you so many hugs!
I am super late to this but want to say a few things - first, I am so sorry your daughter is going through this. It is so awful. Second, this is 100% not normal for good, competitive swim clubs. My 8 year old is on a highly competitive team that is ranked in the top 5 in the country through USA swimming, and this stuff would NEVER be allowed at practice. My daughter is the top 8 year old swimmer and if she is not leading the lane because someone jumps in front of her the coach will calmly hold back whoever is slower than her so she can go ahead. She isn't always first because she trains with 9 and 10 year olds but they generally try to split them by age. They would never, ever allow any child to be physical with another swimmer. Ever.
Do you have an equally competitive team in your area? I am so sorry, I hope she finds her love of swimming again.
Also, it is definitely hard for an 8 year old to pass another child who is adamant they won't let them. I have seen kids pull my daughters leg to slow her down and then go past her, because she would never block them. And the coach is all over it. If a kid is that mean they will do whatever physically possible to keep another kid from passing.