Am I wrong to be upset about this? This may get long.

[megster20185]

So my sisters boyfriend who we will call j graduated with a master’s degree this past weekend. J’s mother who we will call m planned a family get together to celebrate his graduation. We weren’t invited. A little background j is an only child, his parents divorced and dad is remarried, j and my sister have been together for 8 years, my kids have called him uncle j for many years even though they aren’t married yet. Am I wrong to be upset that we weren’t invited? I understand that m planned this party and that maybe either it slipped her mind to invite us as we have only met her once due to us living 3 hours away from my parents and sister and j or maybe she wanted to have something with just the parents but what I don’t understand is why my parents or sister wouldn’t say something to her about inviting us?

Another reason why I am upset is that m planned this party the weekend of orthodox Easter. We always celebrate orthodox Easter with my family so I had already cleared my calendar for that weekend. Due to celebrating regular Easter with my husbands family and my son having pssa testing I don’t think it’s going to be possible to celebrate Easter with my family another weekend. Apparently my mom said yes to m having this party without realizing that it was orthodox Easter. And j’s dad and his wife are traveling to New Jersey from North Carolina so m can’t change the date of the party. The only reason I found out about about the party is my parents were visiting this past weekend and I said something to my mom about Easter.

Should I say something to my parents or sister or just let it go? As I said we live 3 hours away so it’s not like we get to see my family all the time and I had already cleared that weekend.

[pisces]

I would be upset about not getting an invite. Unless there was a reason we didn't. Maybe M didn't want to inconvenience you about travel? H got his master's recently he didn't want to do anything for it and he definitely wouldn't have wanted to invite his sister's family to drive out of town for a celebration.

I would just be blunt and ask why you weren't invited.

[joy]

Were your parents invited to this party?

Do you have other siblings?

Does your sister think it’s odd that you were not invited?

My initial reaction is that I don’t think this is odd and no one is owed an invitation to a party, but I also am lacking a lot of the social context to the question.

[Velar Fricative]

Let it go. If M doesn't really know you guys very well I wouldn't put it on her to invite you. And unless she asked your parents for guest list suggestions, they probably wouldn't want to overstep by suggesting people since it's not a party they're coordinating or hosting. Same with your sister.

I understand being upset about Orthodox Easter but I'd just use this as a learning experience for the future - confirm plans with your family early since Orthodox Easter dates fluctuate from year to year. I'm pretty good about remembering dates but everyone slips up every once in a while. Since your calendar is already clear for this year I'd plan something with your immediate family for that weekend.

ETA: To be clear, when I say "let it go" I'm not saying you shouldn't feel upset because it *is* upsetting, but I wouldn't do more beyond making sure there are commitments in place early on for future Orthodox Easters.

[ohgillian]

To me the most frustrating part about this is that you always do orthodox easter w/your fam, and they made other plans. I'd say something to my family about "hey, we always do something for easter, i'm disappointed that you made other plans." But I wouldn't expect M to know to invite you unless your sister and J told her to.

I don't know if that answers the question. It's always okay to be hurt though when you feel left out.

[megster20185]

Feb 11, 2020 15:03:27 GMT -5 joy said:

Were your parents invited to this party?

Do you have other siblings?

Does your sister think it’s odd that you were not invited?

My initial reaction is that I don’t think this is odd and no one is owed an invitation to a party, but I also am lacking a lot of the social context to the question.

Yes my parents were invited. No other siblings just my sister and I .

[joy]

Feb 11, 2020 15:07:07 GMT -5 megster20185 said:

Feb 11, 2020 15:03:27 GMT -5 joy said:

Were your parents invited to this party?

Do you have other siblings?

Does your sister think it’s odd that you were not invited?

My initial reaction is that I don’t think this is odd and no one is owed an invitation to a party, but I also am lacking a lot of the social context to the question.

Yes my parents were invited. No other siblings just my sister and I .

Oh. Oh dear.

Yes, I’d be upset that my parents are choosing to skip Easter this year to go to this party with nary a word and your family isn’t included. Again, I don’t think you’re owed an invitation, but I think this situation is a touch odd.

[icedcoffee]

I think it's reasonable for you to not be invited. It's a graduation. Being hosted by your sister's boyfriend's mother. I get being bummed that it falls on Easter, but I think you need to let it go. It's ok to feel bummed about it, but I think it's reasonable for you not to be invited too.

[Velar Fricative]

Feb 11, 2020 15:08:41 GMT -5 joy said:

Feb 11, 2020 15:07:07 GMT -5 megster20185 said:

Yes my parents were invited. No other siblings just my sister and I .

Oh. Oh dear.

Yes, I’d be upset that my parents are choosing to skip Easter this year to go to this party with nary a word and your family isn’t included. Again, I don’t think you’re owed an invitation, but I think this situation is a touch odd.

But her mom said she forgot that weekend was Easter when she committed to the party. To me that is different then just blowing off your kid knowing full well it's Easter. Maybe it's just because I'm not religious (but still do visit family for Easter) but I always have to double-check when Easter is even as we get closer to it because it's not a holiday that's on the same day every year, and it's on a weekend so I'm not hyperfocused on when I get a day off from work lol. 

[icedcoffee]

Also---this is still over 2 months away, it's totally possible they will realize the oversight and invite you. Maybe just run it through your sister something like "so---am I correct in assuming no easter celebration this year?" Sounds like they all live in the same area and you are the one that lives 3 hours away? Maybe they just assumed incorrectly you wouldn't want to come and forgot about Easter.

[icedcoffee]

Feb 11, 2020 15:14:15 GMT -5 Velar Fricative said:

Feb 11, 2020 15:08:41 GMT -5 joy said:

Oh. Oh dear.

Yes, I’d be upset that my parents are choosing to skip Easter this year to go to this party with nary a word and your family isn’t included. Again, I don’t think you’re owed an invitation, but I think this situation is a touch odd.

But her mom said she forgot that weekend was Easter when she committed to the party. To me that is different then just blowing off your kid knowing full well it's Easter. Maybe it's just because I'm not religious (but still do visit family for Easter) but I always have to double-check when Easter is even as we get closer to it because it's not a holiday that's on the same day every year, and it's on a weekend so I'm not hyperfocused on when I get a day off from work lol. 

And it's Orthodox Easter so not on most calendars.

[scm1011]

Feb 11, 2020 15:09:08 GMT -5 icedcoffee said:

I think it's reasonable for you to not be invited. It's a graduation. Being hosted by your sister's boyfriend's mother. I get being bummed that it falls on Easter, but I think you need to let it go. It's ok to feel bummed about it, but I think it's reasonable for you not to be invited too.

This. And it’s very possible that his mother purposely didn’t invite you because of the distance. That happened to me a lot when I lived 4 hours from family (“oh, we didn’t want you to feel obligated to drive up!”).

[megster20185]

Feb 11, 2020 15:15:32 GMT -5 icedcoffee said:

Also---this is still over 2 months away, it's totally possible they will realize the oversight and invite you. Maybe just run it through your sister something like "so---am I correct in assuming no easter celebration this year?" Sounds like they all live in the same area and you are the one that lives 3 hours away? Maybe they just assumed incorrectly you wouldn't want to come and forgot about Easter.

Yes my sister and her boyfriend live 2 miles from my parents.

[icedcoffee]

Feb 11, 2020 15:20:28 GMT -5 megster20185 said:

Feb 11, 2020 15:15:32 GMT -5 icedcoffee said:

Also---this is still over 2 months away, it's totally possible they will realize the oversight and invite you. Maybe just run it through your sister something like "so---am I correct in assuming no easter celebration this year?" Sounds like they all live in the same area and you are the one that lives 3 hours away? Maybe they just assumed incorrectly you wouldn't want to come and forgot about Easter.

Yes my sister and her boyfriend live 2 miles from my parents.

I think this was an oversight and not intentional.  If you're close to your sister I'd start with a simple "Hey--did you realize that's Easter weekend?  If we came up to visit would we still be able to celebrate Easter at some point that weekend?" 

[yellow23]

Is the party on Easter or just that weekend? If it’s just a couple hours can you still visit your family and just hang out at their house while they are at the party. It still isn’t much fun for you during the party, but at least you may be able to celebrate with your family for the rest of the weekend. I may have missed if your family has to travel for the party, if they do then I guess this wouldn’t work.

[megster20185]

Feb 11, 2020 15:23:09 GMT -5 yellow23 said:

Is the party on Easter or just that weekend? If it’s just a couple hours can you still visit your family and just hang out at their house while they are at the party. It still isn’t much fun for you during the party, but at least you may be able to celebrate with your family for the rest of the weekend. I may have missed if your family has to travel for the party, if they do then I guess this wouldn’t work.

The party is Saturday April 18. Because of us living 3 hours away and the fact that I have a 1 year old so we prefer to make the trip at nap time I had asked my mom about having Easter dinner on Saturday instead of Sunday because my older kids have school Monday so we would need to drive home Sunday.

[megster20185]

Feb 11, 2020 15:23:09 GMT -5 yellow23 said:

Is the party on Easter or just that weekend? If it’s just a couple hours can you still visit your family and just hang out at their house while they are at the party. It still isn’t much fun for you during the party, but at least you may be able to celebrate with your family for the rest of the weekend. I may have missed if your family has to travel for the party, if they do then I guess this wouldn’t work.

No my family doesn’t travel. My parents host.

[icedcoffee]

OK. Well. I think some flexibility on everyone's part would allow this to still happen. Go up anyway. Have Easter breakfast on Sunday. Maybe they'll still invite you on Saturday. Maybe not and you can take the kids do something locally there for a few hours.

[readyin07]

I don’t think it’s necessarily odd that she didn’t invite you. Maybe she didn’t think a couple with a kid that lives several hours away would want to travel for an extended family graduation party if she doesn’t know you that well?.

Is this a big party or a small dinner? Because I also don’t see why your sister couldn’t mention that you will be in town for Easter and maybe her bf could talk to his mom and add you all to the guest list? We don’t really get together with extended family that much anymore, but a few years ago H’s dad who is widowed decided to come into town with his girlfriend before Christmas when we had plans with my dad’s family. Dad just called his family, explained the situation and it was no big deal to add two more. Now, if it’s a $100 per plate dinner at a fancy restaurant with only the mom, stepdad, sister, bf and your parents I can see how this is a bigger deal/

[cosmowife]

I barely know my sister’s husband’s mother (only have met her a couple times) and I definitely didn’t know her at all while he was just her boyfriend so it wouldn’t be weird for me to not be invited. If my son were graduating, I’m not sure that I would think to invite the long distance family of his girlfriend to a party that is for him.

[megster20185]

Ok problem solved because I am such an idiot. I just realized that the get together is likely being held at m’s house in Philadelphia which is 1.5 hours from my parents house in central jersey. My sister and her boyfriend live in a tiny 2 bedroom apartment and there is no possible way they could host a party with 5 parents. There is no way that I could make a trip to philly for a party then go to my parents house in that short amount of time.

[Velar Fricative]

Oh, I didn't even think about salvaging the weekend depending on the time of the other party. Maybe your parents will be up for a Saturday dinner or, probably a safer bet, Sunday brunch. If your parents aren't up for cooking or whatever due to the other party, if I really wanted to spend the holiday with them I'd talk to them about going to a restaurant or something.

ETA: Never mind, just saw your post about Philly and it being further away from you. All right, problem solved and tell everyone the date of Orthodox Easter 2021 like NOW. 

[joy]

Feb 11, 2020 15:14:15 GMT -5 Velar Fricative said:

Feb 11, 2020 15:08:41 GMT -5 joy said:

Oh. Oh dear.

Yes, I’d be upset that my parents are choosing to skip Easter this year to go to this party with nary a word and your family isn’t included. Again, I don’t think you’re owed an invitation, but I think this situation is a touch odd.

But her mom said she forgot that weekend was Easter when she committed to the party. To me that is different then just blowing off your kid knowing full well it's Easter. Maybe it's just because I'm not religious (but still do visit family for Easter) but I always have to double-check when Easter is even as we get closer to it because it's not a holiday that's on the same day every year, and it's on a weekend so I'm not hyperfocused on when I get a day off from work lol. 

I guess I’m wondering which way Mom answered.

1. Oh! Oh my, that’s Easter. I didn’t even consider that. We may need to make some different plans this year as we all are usually together.

Or

2. Oh! Oh my, that’s Easter. I didn’t even consider that. You weren’t invited to the party? Hmm. I don’t know what to do.

Or

3. Oh, I forgot that was Easter. Oh well. We’ll just skip Easter this year.


Apparently, I need a re-enactment to have an opinion. Lol.

[timorousbeastie]

Not being invited to the graduation party wouldn’t bother me, personally. When I got my PhD, I didn’t invite my own brother and his family, who live 3 hours away. It just wouldn’t have been worth the drive for them, and I didn’t want them to feel obligated to come.

As far as Easter, would you be open to celebrating it a completely different weekend? Even if it is several weeks before or after? I won’t be celebrating this past Christmas until the end of February this year, because that’s just the first weekend that worked for everyone. But admittedly I am not religious, so I look at the holidays more as just a reason to get together; I might feel differently if I looked at a holiday party as celebrating a particular day.

[megster20185]

Feb 11, 2020 15:50:36 GMT -5 joy said:

Feb 11, 2020 15:14:15 GMT -5 Velar Fricative said:

But her mom said she forgot that weekend was Easter when she committed to the party. To me that is different then just blowing off your kid knowing full well it's Easter. Maybe it's just because I'm not religious (but still do visit family for Easter) but I always have to double-check when Easter is even as we get closer to it because it's not a holiday that's on the same day every year, and it's on a weekend so I'm not hyperfocused on when I get a day off from work lol. 

I guess I’m wondering which way Mom answered.

1. Oh! Oh my, that’s Easter. I didn’t even consider that. We may need to make some different plans this year as we all are usually together.

Or

2. Oh! Oh my, that’s Easter. I didn’t even consider that. You weren’t invited to the party? Hmm. I don’t know what to do.

Or

3. Oh, I forgot that was Easter. Oh well. We’ll just skip Easter this year.


Apparently, I need a re-enactment to have an opinion. Lol.

By the time my mom realized it was Easter it was too late. J’s dad and his wife are flying from North Carolina so they can’t change travel plans.

[pooh8402]

Ok so I'm thinking in terms of my sister and her BF, who sound similar to yours. They've been together forever. There's talk of getting married but nothing official. Our kids (my kids, plus my niece and nephew from our other sister) call him Uncle R, or Big R. He's been to our family holidays for years. I would not expect an invitation to a graduation party for R that was hosted by his mom, especially since I've never met R's parents. And especially since we don't live close.

I also would not expect a family that does not celebrate Orthodox Easter to even think about it when planning events for their family.

What I would clarify with YOUR family is what everyone wants to do for that weekend. I agree that some flexibility is called for, and maybe yall can do something a bit different for a couple hours while they go to the party, or just have a long Easter Sunday and make the drive that day. I get having kids, and naps, and all that. My kids have done just fine going to school/daycare the next day after a long day in the car. That would not factor in my decision.

[mccallister84]

Setting aside the Easter issue, which seems like it was an oversight on your mother’s part, I don’t think this is weird. I wouldn’t expect to be invited to a party for one of my BILM’s accomplishments thrown by their parents.

[joy]

I’m too invested in this because the I’m not following the answers.

Regardless, I agree with pooh - the focus for the OP should be Easter and not this party. The party has nothing to really do with anything except that it happens to fall on Easter weekend. So, for the people typically involved in Easter weekend, what does that mean? Go from there.

I still don’t think they have any obligation to invite you to boyfriend’s graduation party.

[InBetweenDays]

If this party was another date, would you be upset if you weren't invited? Or is it more because it is on a weekend that you had been planning to celebrate with your family?

I don't think it is at all odd that M didn't invite you, or that she planned it that weekend (guessing that is the weekend that worked for her, J, and J's dad and she wasn't at all thinking of Orthodox Easter). But I can understand being bummed (in general - not at any particular person) that it affects a weekend you traditionally spend with your family.

So I agree with the PPs. I'd reach out to your parents and sister and see if they want to try and still celebrate Easter, do it on a different weekend, etc.

[expectantsteelerfan]

I agree with the majority that your sister's boyfriend's masters graduation that is happening 3 or even more hours away is not an occasion that it's a given for your family to be invited to. Are your parents actually attending the graduation? Is it possible that they're all going to the graduation, then having a small celebration after? I would not want to take my kids to something like that (or even attend myself, graduations are the worst IMO! I didn't even want to go to my own!).
I don't think it's fair to be upset for J's mom to not realize the party is over Orthodox Easter, especially if your sister didn't say anything about it when she was told the date. I get that your family celebrates then, but the way you worded it, it sounds like you celebrate Orthodox Easter with your family out of convenience so that you can celebrate Easter with your h's family. And it sounds like your mom didn't realize the conflict and it's too late to do anything about that now anyway. So I guess all that I would recommend you do is find out exactly what your family's plans are for that weekend, and then decide if it's worth it for you to try to see them that weekend too for Orthodox Easter (although personally, if they are traveling to Philly I wouldn't expect them to rush back and host you) or if you want to make other plans with them for a different weekend, or just skip Orthodox Easter this year.